Tuesday, January 20, 2009

In the Third Person

*This is for class.

He wears almost the same thing every day. Glasses, backwards Tigers hat, EMU Football jacket, some kind of hooded sweatshirt or fleece underneath it with sweats, wind pants, or even the occasional pair of blue jeans. "I never said I like wearing the jacket, but the damn thing is just so deceptively warm." That's the thing about Cole, simplicity is a requirement, the clothes he wears are strictly for comfort. "I just figured, what the hell? It's not like I'm gonna meet someone important in class right?" He stands up and goes out into the hallway to grab a drink of water when I notice the circle on the left hand back pocket of this particular pair of jeans. My question is answered for me when Cole returns to the room with a wad of tobacco stuck in his lower lip. "Eh, on and off since I was about 16. Constantly since about 20 or so..."

Ok, that's enough. Letters later...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

People I Would Like to Punch in the Face

This new feature on Tobacco Juice Sports will make you aware of people who need to get punched in the face for their random acts of douchebaggery and other made up words.

The following people need to be punched in the face...

The ShamWow! guy.
Why? First of all, look at this asshole. Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face more after seeing this picture? What genuinely confuses me about this guy is why the headset? Are you not filming your horrifyingly annoying commercials on a sound stage that has microphones available? And dude, you deserve about 8 punches in the face for selling a shitty product and having a feaux-hawk. Absolute douchebag. Must punch in face.

NBC Sports

For hiring this guy to talk about the playoffs
Someone at NBC has a very cruel sense of humor. Granted, before he committed what was thought to be career suicide by accepting the Lions job, Millen was a very good football commentator. However...the team he built went 0-16 and he is absolutely LOATHED by an entire region of the country. You would have to think that maybe it was a little too soon to be throwing Matt Millen at the football watching public after the debacle that was the Millen Years in Detroit. Of course though, nobody at NBC cares and they are all patting themselves on the back for landing Millen again. Assholes.

Billy Mays and his goddamned OxiClean
I don't know who to blame for starting the whole "Yell into the camera and get people to buy your shit" method of advertising but Billy Mays (and his bastard son the ShamWow Guy) has turned it into an art form. An art form that when it comes on TV I immediately feel like punching the elderly. It's horrible. Does his product work? I don't know because I constantly refuse to buy it out of spite for him and the people that hired him to sell this bullshit.

People Who Watch VH1
Anyone who watches the garbage VH1 puts on TV needs to be punched in the face. Repeatedly. VH1 and the people that watch it are contributing even further to the downfall of American culture. Just you wait, a thousands years from now, people will be studying the 2000s and they'll stumble across some old VH1 tapes and declare these years as the second dark ages where nothing was really accomplished because everyone was too busy watching a bunch of skanks try to bang Brett Michaels or a Crackhead that used to be the hype man for Public Enemy. Or even worse, they'll watch I Love New York and shoot themselves in the face to erase the memory of it. Here's an idea for you morons that watch VH1. READ A FREAKIN BOOK! Put down the bong and do something else. Anything else. I hate you people.

A-Rod
You know what, back when Alex Rodriguez was playing with Griffey and Randy Johnson in Seattle, I liked him. I thought he was a good young player that could change the way baseball is played. Well, he's changed. Now that he's making $20 million a year and banging Madonna, he's kind of an asshole and nobody calls him out on it. So I am doing it now. HEY A-ROD...YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Kevin James
You know what Kevin James...I used to like you. Back when you and Stacy Carosi from Saved by the Bell were married on that show, you were awesome. You gave fat guys everywhere hope that one day even a fat guy can marry a hot chick from Staten Island or wherever gives her that crazy accent. And then you decided to make a move that will most likely turn your career into an absolute joke. You sold out and signed on to make Paul Blart - Mall Cop. It goes without saying that this movie probably shouldn't have ever been written, let alone made and distributed and you should be ashamed of yourself for taking part in it. You're better than that Kevin James. Or, well, I thought you were. Now you, the writers, producers, directors and any pissant assistant that helped make this movie all need to be punched in the face. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

This Organization Will Not Tolerate Failure... Anymore


On Monday, November 24th, 2008, the Jeff Genyk experiment was ended by the powers that be at Eastern Michigan University. Genyk was 15-42 the day of his firing and finished off his time at Eastern in style (I would say style and class but that was clearly not the case) by beating those assholes from Mt. Pleasant to give him a grand total of 16 wins in 5 seasons as a head coach. That's 3.2 wins a season and it of course was beyond unacceptable.

Fast forward about a month to December 22nd, 2008, the day the EMU administration finally got what they wanted. Ron English was target number 1 from the start (if you read back you'll see he was also my first pick right off the bat...and then I said it was gonna be Fred Jackson...whoops) and the powers that be found a way to scrape together enough money ($350K almost double what Genyk was paid) to entice one of the hottest names in coaching to take control of a football team with no sense of direction and 16 wins in the past five seasons.

Why do I think Ron English will be successful at a place with no conference titles in over 20 years and one who's last winning season was when Bill Clinton was in office? I could answer it in one sentence but that would be boring. Here are ten reasons why Coach English will turn the perrennial MAC doormat into a championship contender.

In no particular order...

1. English is a FOOTBALL GUY. He has done nothing else in his life but play football and then coach football. Genyk played ball at Bowling Green (which should have raised eyebrows from the start) and then spent 15 or so years in the business world selling office furniture or something and then one day decided to coach football. English on the other hand played at Cal and when his playing days were over, he started coaching and has done nothing else with his life since.

2. English has actually called plays during a game. Genyk was never a coordinator at any level. This is a HUGE issue that I've harped on before in this blog. In my opinion, you cannot effectively run a football team unless you have actually been the guy in charge of calling the shots when the bullets start flying in a football game. Not only has English been a defensive coordinator, but he was voted as Rival's Defensive Coordinator of the Year in 2006 for his efforts at Michigan. Defense has been an issue for a couple of seasons at EMU and like the old addage goes, "Defense wins championships." Come next fall, you will see an entirely different defensive attitude in Ypsilanti.

3. He's spent his entire life on the defensive side of the ball. This is not a reiteration of my previous point. This is important and notable because his new offensive coordinator (it's not announced yet but it's Ken Karcher from Toledo) will most likely be left alone to call what he wants to call and run his offense as he sees fit, with little to no interference from the head coach, an issue that seemed to result in zany (and in the case of WMU '06 game losing) trick plays with the previous regime. I'm not saying you're never gonna see a flea flicker, I'm just saying that the new OC will most likely be allowed to run the plays he wants to run. This is a huge bonus and vastly different from past seasons.

4. Losing has never been an option for Ron English. It's happened rarely over his career coaching. Since 1996, teams he's coached with have suffered only 4 losing seasons and three of those seasons were one win from a winning season (well..a .500 season). He's not used to losing and he'll bring that mentality to Ypsilanti.

5. The Michigan Pedigree. Yeah, Northwestern is a Big 10 school too and yes, the Cats were pretty good in the mid to late 90s, but let's be honest with ourselves here...Northwestern is not Michigan. Being a coach or player at Michigan during the Carr era meant that you were getting an education as to how a football team should prepare for and win championships. As a coach, it taught you how to treat your players in order to get the most out of them in life and football. Being able to say you coached at Michigan will always raise some eyebrows when it comes up in conversation, in a good if not great way. This is something that will help with recruiting and fundraising. The guy knows how to win because he was taught how to win by winners.

6. Assistants. A head coach is only as good as his assistants (well, I'm not sure that idea really holds a hell of a lot of water because the previous head coach had some outstanding coaches but generally it's very true). Ron English is hiring some guys who can straight up coach football and have done nothing but coach football. As I've mentioned before, the assistants are not officially announced but some names are Tyrone Wheatley (yes, THAT Tyrone Wheatley), Antonio and Tim Carter, Kurt Anderson (the only holdover from the last staff, so far. Played and coached at Michigan as well), and Eric Lewis, son of long time NFL coach Sherman Lewis. I'll get into coaching responsibilities and the rest of the staff some other time. When you look at these coaches a few things pop out at you. 1. They're younger guys as far as football coaches go. 2. They're pure football guys. 3. They've all played and/or coached football at extremely high levels. 4. When you add those three things up, you get great recruiters and guys that the players will play for and trust. A very important thing in terms of success. (More on assistants when official announcement from the sports information department is released via the Eagle Nation website.)

7. The players are there for winning and winning quickly. Schmitt, Blevins, Fretz, LeDuc, Johnson, Buche, Davis, Gage, White, and other participating players return on the offense which, as most of you know, was one of the most prolific in the country for the last two weeks of the season. Defensively EMU returns Hatchett, Hicks, Downard, Downs, Long,Ohrman, a slew of more than capable defensive tackles, May, and Jenkins. Looking at it now you would have to think that with the breath of fresh air that comes with a new staff, this is a team that could win 5-7 games next season. Army, Arkansas, Michigan, and Northwestern are the non conference opponents next year which could make things tough but two of those games are truly winnable while the other two would require some sort of devine intervention from St. Jude (patron saint of the hopeless cause, seriously) to get a win. Either way, we've still got some good ballplayers left over in Ypsilanti.

8. Intensity. With a young coaching staff comes young coaching staff intensity. Practices will be highly competitive (especially with the Carter brothers coaching WRs and DBs against each other every day), well organized, and productive. The enthusiasm won't be the fake kind the players and fans are used to. There won't be any of the shenanigans from the game against the assholes from Mt. Pleasant, but you can bet your ass these players will be mentally and physically prepared to play as hard as they can for every play every week.

9. The Administration is finally 100% committed to winning. I don't mean committed like in Blue Chips where we're buying new John Deere's for kids from the sticks, I mean committed as in they are finally willing to open up the pursestrings and pump some money into a program that desperately needs it. You have to spend money to make money and to make money you need a winning football team. People out there constantly (The Eastern Echo, forum posters, etc.) talk shit about how nobody comes to the games, well, if you don't win games, you don't get people to come watch you. It's pretty simple. No wins, no fans, no money. All that is about to change.

10. It's time. The time to win is now at EMU. The University needs it. The Alumni need it. The Ypsilanti community needs it. A winning football team at EMU would finally instill a sense of pride in an area of the state that hasn't had a whole hell of a lot to be proud of in a while (I'm not counting Ann Arbor in the area because people from Ann Arbor typically walk around with an air of asshole entitlement and I don't like them). Ron English is the coach that will turn this football team into a championship contender and in turn, give those that need it, something they can hang their hat on.

Preview for tomorrow: A new feature! People I'd Like To Punch in the Face

*UPDATE*
Also staying on at EMU are Video Coordinator Matt Patterson, Director of Football Operations Jake Kirkendall, and Graduate Assistant Steve Otterbein.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

School Daze and The Lifting of the Tigers Embargo

Still being a student at my age still has some benefits. Apart from the actual pursuit of a higher education, going to EMU blesses my life in ways that typically cannot be found in any other spectrum. I'm not saying that I love going to class every day and all that nonsense, I'm talking purely about the sarcastic blessings I get to see on a daily basis. Things like showing up late to class and having the professor pat you on the back and say, "Good morning Mr. Cole, glad you could join us." (To which I replied, "Good morning Dr. Quiel, yeah I haven't seen 8 AM in about two weeks." which gave the class a nice early morning chuckle) Also, I love seeing the ridiculous things people wear when it's butt ass cold outside. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate when girls don't wear a whole hell of a lot of clothes but at the same time, I don't want to hear you complain about how cold it is when you're wearing booty shorts and a pair of Uggs. Seeing the random person who shows up 45 minutes late to class and starts asking questions and causing the rest of us to stay for the whole allotted time instead of busting out early, classic. Another thing I really like to do is eat lunch in the band building on campus. Few things in life are more entertaining than seeing a bunch of band geeks congregate with each other and talk about anime and other nerdy things. Always puts a smile on my face. On a more serious note, I really like when an instructor gives the class an assignment to create a blog to put news stories on. This is beneficial to me because...well c'mon, are you not reading why this is beneficial to me right now? Basically this is a warning, if you start seeing random serious "news" stories on here, it's an assignment for a class and not a move to being a "journalist." I have never claimed any sort of journalistic credibility nor will I. The purpose of this blog has always been to entertain you, my dozen or so readers, and to give me some sort of creative outlet in my annoyingly hectic yet boring life. That being said...let's talk about something completely different.

It is currently January 6th, 2009 and my self imposed grounding from writing about the Tigers is over so let's talk some baseball!! It appears that Dombrowski and Illitch have learned their lesson about trying to buy a championship from last season and have reverted back to the ways that remind me of simpler times. They've resorted to signing gritty white dudes again! To replace Pudge behind the dish, the Tigers acquired Gerald Laird from Texas and Matt Treanor from Florida. Laird is a career .255 hitter with 25 home runs and 136 RBI. Not exactly eye popping stats but Laird has a reputation for having a ROCKET for an arm and defensive skills that could eventually lead to a Gold Glove at some point. Barring injury Laird will be the every day catcher for the Tigers in 2009. Treanor on the other hand will serve as a more than capable backup for Laird. Treanor is a career .237 hitter with 8 home runs and 36 RBI, again not eye popping numbers but the biggest thing Treanor brings to the table is the fact that he is married to Misty May-Treanor of beach volleyball and Dancing With the Stars fame. Hopefully she'll show up at a few games and I can buy her a beer and talk about her catastrophic Achilles tendon injury suffered while ballroom dancing. Probably not but still, how awesome would that be?

Another great pickup by the Tigers this offseason was short stop Adam Everett. Everett is known for his range and arm strength and not at all for what he can do with the bat (career .246 hitter with 37 HR and 236 RBI). Everett will give the Tigers arguably the best defensive left side of the infield when combined with Brandon Inge back at the hot corner. Defense was a problem for the Tigers last season and these pickups should help fix that problem. The only thing I worry about is Inge and Everett diving for the same ball in the gap and slamming their heads together which, given each player's penchant for making the spectacular play, is a distinct possibility.

Another area in which the Tigers struggled last season was pitching. From the starters to the closers, the Tigers were, simply put, not good. Things for the staff seemed to cannonball when Bondo had to get that rib removed and was declared out for the season early on last year. The Tigers acquired relatively young Edwin Jackson (who was born in Germany oddly enough) from the Devil Rays, I mean Rays for former Official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports Matt Joyce. Of course, my initial reaction to the trade was something along the lines of MFing the Tigers for trading away a young player with a powerful bat and decent glove (remember Cameron Maybin?) for an unproven starting pitcher. After calming down and thinking about it 30 seconds later, I realized that it could potentially be a great deal for a great pitcher. To use the term I've used about eight times so far in this post, Jackson's stats aren't exactly eye popping. Last season, his second as a full time starter, Jackson posted a 4.42 ERA with 108 strikeouts over 183.1 innings and a 14-11 record. However, Jackson was solid enough in the second half of the season (10-4 with a 3.43 ERA) to give the impression that he can shore up the Tigers rotation and prove to be another good, young arm in the arsenal.

As for the rotation, the Tigers have 4 of the 5 spots solidified with Bondo, Verlander, Jackson, and pleasant surprise Armando Galarraga. The fifth spot will most likely be determined during spring training and could be filled by typically solid yet extremely average Zach Miner or the hopefully rebounding Dontrelle Willis or Nate Robertson who both suffered abysmal seasons in 2008. I wish I could tell you who it is going to be but I can tell you that I hope Dontrelle can find the plate again this off season and returns to the pitcher he was earlier in his career.

The bullpen is what worries me the most about the Tigers' pitching staff and it has been a question mark for years now. The main problem is the Tigers have no real closer. Rodney is a trainwreck and has been for three seasons now. Zumaya is coming off an injury and is just now starting to just pick up a baseball and might not be ready for the start of spring training. Freddy Dolsi is an option but is better in the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings in my opinion. Bobby Seay, let's skip him. With no other definite closers left on the market, I will throw a radical idea out there for the Tigers' closing spot. Nate Robertson. That's right. Nate has always been a great pitcher his first time through opponent's lineups but once they get a bead on his delivery and whatnot, he is extremely hittable. Why not just eliminate the first 8 innings of a game for Nate and let him come in and get three outs and a save in the 9th? It's an idea the Tigers are reportedly mulling over but I still see it as a longshot even though personally, I love the idea.

On the whole, are the Tigers contenders in 2009? For me to make any sort of prediction right now would be asinine and borderline reckless. That and last year about this time I was singing the praises of the Tigers and all but guaranteeing at least a Central Division title and instead, the Tigers finished last in the Central and were right there with the overspending Yankees (more on those assholes and their lack of the concept of money later) watching everyone else play in October. Could this season be special? Well, with the much improved defense and seemingly improved pitching staff with a healthy Bondo, it certainly could be. My main concern is this, Carlos Guillen being moved out to left field. Leyland keeps saying that playing out there will take less of a toll on his aging body and allow him to be more productive at the plate. If that proves true, the upper half of the lineup could potentially be strong to very strong. The lineup will look something like this...
1. Granderson CF
2. Polanco 2B
3. Cabrera 1B
4. Ordonez RF
5. Guillen LF
6. Sheffield/Thames/Random Power Hitting White Dude DH
7. Laird C
8. Everett SS
9. Inge 3B
Can you win with this lineup? Absolutely. Will you win with this lineup? How the hell should I know? It's January 6th and I'm just a dude with a laptop and some time to kill.

Preview for Tomorrow - 10 reasons why new Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Ron English WILL NOT FAIL...and assistant coach hirings.