If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Bud Selig,
You know what Bud? I'm really getting tired of writing you letters citing your incompetence. Maybe it's time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. This steroid scandal is turning you into an even bigger joke than you were before. Oh and you're getting paid only slightly less than the highest paid player in the game (who, of course, is the center of all this steroid talk, and right before pitchers and catchers report...nice) for reasons that escape me. Sure, attendance is up but in this economic climate, how much longer do you expect it to last? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to attend at least 10 games this summer but c'mon Bud, it's time to do one of, if not both of, two things. Resign or take a pay cut. There is no reason you should be raking in $18 million a year for doing a shitty job running a league that has thrived despite your incompetence. You're turning yourself into Gary Bettman, another commish who's league is doing very well despite the efforts of its administration. Oh, and you need to make sure that A-Rod's name is not the only one released from that list of 104 players who tested positive for the juice. I need to know who to boo.
That's enough Bud, that's enough.
Cole

Dear NCAA,
I read via Deadspin that you're thinking about having a policy that takes points off the board for taunting before reaching the endzone. Oh so basically you want college football to be cold and emotionless like chess? I agree with the excessive celebration penalty for if someone does something stupid like spikes the ball or does the Gator Chomp or things of that nature but I don't see anything wrong with running into the endzone with an index finger extended. I think a rule like this would be bad for the game because of the judgment call it would be for the officials. How do you determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior? One ref's idea of good is another's idea of bad. The fewer judgment calls there are, the easier it is to properly officiate a game. There's no need for taking points off the board if some kid (that's all they are folks, these are 17-22 year old kids out there) dives into the endzone late in the 4th quarter to take the lead. That's football, it's an emotional game, let the kids play and quit being such pricks about it.
Cole

Dear India,
Fucking REALLY??? (Click the link or this will make absolutely no sense)

Dear Brett Favre,
You've always been one of my favorite players I've ever had the privilege to watch. However, after last year's retirement debacle where you left the league hanging for months on end, you better be serious about retiring this time. You had a good year (and a great year for my fantasy team early on, thank you) with the Jets but dude, you need to hang them up for real this time. Go back to Mississippi and relax for a while on the farm and enjoy the rest of your life. You have nothing left to prove. Just stay away this time. You've earned a ride off into the sunset so do it graciously.
Cole

Dear NBA,
Ok, you already know I don't really like you. That being said, don't be offended when I call you names here in the next couple of lines. NBA, you are a joke. It's pathetic really when you think about it. You were at the height of your popularity in the late 80s/early 90s when everyone was doing blow and scoring 120+ a night and now you're trying to get back to that era only sans blow. I can't fault you for trying to bring the glory days back but you're failing miserably and in some sick, twisted way, I get a great amount of pleasure watching you fail at everything. Which brings me to my next point...H-O-R-S-E. Playing HORSE at All-Star weekend is a good idea. I like it because I knew you'd screw it up somehow and sure enough you did. You took a great childhood game and commercialized it turning HORSE into G-E-I-C-O. Are you kidding me? I hope this game takes 8 hours and the arena is empty out of boredom so the talking heads over at ESPN can make fun of you for it. I'm almost hoping for an ugly strip club incident in Phoenix this weekend just to make you look even worse. Would I like you any better if the Pistons were still the Pistons and not the "Auburn Hills Whiny Millionaires Who Refuse to Rebound or Play Hard"? Eh, at this point, probably not.
Cole

Dear Jessica Simpson,
Maybe it's time to squeeze a salad in every once in a while. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. Unless Romo likes his girls a lil more than thick then by all means, for his sake eat another cheeseburger.
Everyone thinks you're fat and I think it's funny that it made CNN
HAHAHA God Bless America!
Cole

Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Happy Birthday. Tell these communists here at Eastern that I shouldn't have to go to school on Monday night. Reminds me of South Park, "I haven't seen an American take a shot like that since Abraham Lincoln" Which in turn reminds me of Wayne's World on SNL, "If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln." Nice work with that whole getting rid of slavery thing too.
200 years later...and here we are.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
DREW STANTON WILL LEAD YOU TO A SUPER BOWL! IF YOU DRAFT MATT STAFFORD I AM DONE WITH YOU FOREVER AND WILL ROOT FOR THE BEARS THE REST OF MY LIFE! More about you some other time. I can't wait to see you screw up the draft in a very Millen-esque performance.
Cole

*UPDATE*
Ok, I just watched the "Always a Tiger" video on the Tigers website...I had to wipe away a tear here in the computer lab. I shit you not. Pitchers and Catchers report tomorrow. If you can watch this video and not get goosebumps from it, you're either an asshole Indians fan or a heartless bastard. You choose. Video Here.

Spring is in the Air

As I sit in this mundane computer lab on the campus of Eastern Michigan University, I look out the window to see something amazing...the sun. It's a beautiful day and I'm stuck inside for the duration with class and homework and most importantly to you my readers, blog time. But yes, spring is in the air even though it's only the 10th of February and Mother Nature's cocktease will eventually end and we'll be back to 8 degree days with -75 wind chill and everyone will be miserable again. But blue balls aside, the weather is great for now.

Sitting in class earlier this morning I found some random things that piss me off and need to be brought to people's attention.

Ladies, I know it's warmer out than it was before, but c'mon, there's no need to wear that mini skirt you got for Christmas from your ex stripper for a mom. Especially when you're pushing 250 pounds. When you're that big, sweat pants should make up at least 95% of your wardrobe with the other 5% being more sweats. Fat chicks with not enough clothing...not a good look. Ever. However, if you can rock the mini skirt without showing your ass and thigh dimples, then by all means...rock it. (Basically I'm saying all hot chicks need to wear less clothes when it's warm out. It's a good thing for everyone involved.)

Just because you're in a classroom filled with computers, doesn't mean you can Facebook Chat for the duration of class. There is nothing more annoying than trying to pay attention to an instructor talking about something borderline important while trying not to yell at the stupid broad sitting next to you for being exactly that, a stupid broad. PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!

The prof this morning said some people didn't put their names on an assignment...what is this 3rd grade? How do these people get into college?

I swear to God if I have to answer another question because I'm the only person that has the stones to speak up in class I'm going to blow my brains out. I don't want to sound like a know it all but when the teacher asks a question and everyone just sits there like zombies, it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world and I have to be the guy to speak up because I can't take the awkward silence anymore. Even if I say something totally ridculous and wrong, at least I had the balls to make the classroom environment tolerable. I'm not the smartest guy in the class, but if I don't answer the questions nobody will. I hate that shit.

Oh and another thing, when you're in a computer lab or library or class do me a favor and set your phone to vibrate. Nobody wants to hear your new Young Jeezy ringtone every time you get a text or your boyfriend calls. Time to grow up assholes!

I was lying in bed last night (insert Varsity Blues moment) and couldn't sleep (weird right?) so I flipped on the TV. While surfing through the channels I stumbled across the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. They were judging the Terrier breeds when I realized that the announcers for this thing thought even the ugliest looking dog was absolutely breathtaking. There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is and when you see a dog that looks weird, telling the people that the thing just looks weird. And the people at MSG absolutely LOVE the dog show and cheer like it's a Knicks game (except there were people there). Maybe it's like the Kentucky Derby and people just go there to get hammered and yell at the dogs. Oh and the Scottish Terrier won best in show for the Terrier group. I would love to live blog the dog show. I'm not sure why.

Ok, enough of the random silliness, let's talk about spring stuff like baseball.

In case you've been living in a cave with no TV, radio, or print media, A-Rod fessed up to juicing during his Texas Ranger years. He was the first of 104 players who tested positive when MLB randomly tested 300 players in 2003, to be outed by reporters. Apparently there was a code list and then there was a key to the code list and two reporters from Sports Illustrated (Selena Roberts and David Epstein) were able to get their hands on the list or something of the sort. Either way, A-Rod is the only name to be released thus far and I'm sure there will be more big names to come. Who will those names be? Well I can only guess but I'll say Pudge, Richie Sexson, Bonds (no shit?), Clemens (again, no shit?) and Adrian Beltre will be names on that list. Why? There is no science to coming up with those names other than looking at the league leaders and noticing how some of them dropped off the face of the earth and then just randomly guessing. But those are my guesses. Journalistic credibility be damned. That and it's not like anyone important read this thing anyway.

That being said, pitchers and catchers report in 2 days and I have to say, I'm kind of psyched about it. I know the season doesn't start for a long time yet but there's just something about the start of spring training that gives me the ability to take a deep breath and start getting optomistic about the Tigers again. As I've previously mentioned in this space, last year I was a little too optimistic about the Tigers but I had a right to be. We all did. It just so happened that Bondo almost died, Verlander and the Gambler imploded, Zoomie got hurt again, Pudge was a disaster, D-Train suddenly forgot how to throw (like the time Peter Griffin forgot how to sit down), and Edgar Renteria was a complete bust (just like I said he would be). Basically, everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

This year, maybe things will be different. Leyland has a new defense first philosophy and I can see the Tigers going to a more small ball approach in the later half of the lineup with Inge and Everett and Laird down there who aren't exactly hitters. The bullpen will still be an issue but was shored up with the acquisition of "worth to be determined in July" closer Brandon Lyon. Zoomie is not likely to be back before opening day so that leaves set up duties to Fernando F-ing Rodney and I dunno let's say Bobby Seay or someone of that nature. Either way, set up will probably be an issue this year unless Rodney gets his head out of his ass which is something I've hoped for, for about three seasons now.

Time will tell and it's entirely too early to get worked up about anything Tigers related until the home opener on Friday, April 10th. I'm glad it's on a Friday...no classes on Fridays. That's just good scheduling. Maybe we'll have to organize a Tobacco Juice Readers field trip to the Comerica Park area (yeah, like we'll all get tickets for opening day) for opening day...I think it's a good idea. Click on the poll so I can gauge your interest and make t-shirts that nobody will buy.

The Chronicles of Wayne Smith

There ya go Wayne. You're mentioned in the blog.

Hi! Hello, and how are you? So the laptop I had was reclaimed by its rightful owner and the computer labs on campus aren't exactly condusive for creativity but whatever. I'll find a way to get this shit going again.

So I'm watching SportsCenter this morning and then switched it to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 which was followed by Cold Pizza, I mean First Take. It was at that point that I realized something very profound...

ESPN SUCKS!!!

Yeah, I said it. It goes against all I believe in but damnit, ESPN's morning programming has turned into an absolute abomination. What's wrong with it? Well I could just say it sucks but that doesn't quite do it justice.

The SportsCenter LIVE experiment is an absolute failure if you ask me. Hanna Storm and the other guy are just terrible together. I would much rather just watch the previous night's SportsCenter on repeat all morning instead of listening to two mono toned slaps read the same highlights over and over. And it seems sometimes that they have no understanding of how the game on the highlight actually works. They spend the entire morning blowing Lebron and Kobe and the Celtics and then a hockey highlight will sneak in there and they absolutely butcher it. I hate to tell you folks...but hockey is passing the Association in the ratings. Maybe Hanna and Doucher should read up on it a little bit. And don't get me started on ESPN's coverage of college hoops. You talk about overkill...holy shit. It's on EVERY DAMN NIGHT!! I know it's winter and ESPN doesn't have an NHL contract but holy Christ...a guy can only watch Duke play and then listen to the talking heads talk about it for so long before he wants to blow his brains out. There is literally nothing good I can say about SportsCenter LIVE. It's horrible. Just horrible.

Equally as bad yet mildly more entertaining is Mike and Mike in the Morning. Now, I have to tell you that yes, I do occasionally like to listen to this show when I'm getting ready in the morning. However, I've noticed that MAMITM is nothing more than a low calorie version of SportsCenter with very mildly entertaining interviews thrown in. The only time it's watchable is when Golic is hungover and is tired of listening to Greenie's whining about God knows what.

Cold Pizza, or First Take as it's now known, is just shitty. It was ok as Cold Pizza but they found a way to make it nearly unwatchable. I have to say, when the annoying old dude and the Jemele Smith get on there to debate topics, it makes me wonder if Smith has even participated or even watched an actual athletic competition. It's a joke and ESPN needs to realize this and do something about it. The only way to fix it is to get Erin Andrews or someone of equal or greater hotness to be on the show every morning. Now THAT is something I'd wake up to.

And when you think about it, is there a better actual talent in the ESPN stable of reporters than Erin Andrews? Take away the rediculously hot factor and you STILL have a GREAT reporter who asks the right questions to the right people every time. She could save ESPN's morning programming. I'd much rather watch that than turn on a college basketball game and hope she might interview somebody.

So that's what I think about ESPN. They are too basketball heavy and they are constantly looking to cause some sort of controversy with their reporting. Like the reports today that the Texans were having contact drills during a mini camp last year. FOOTBALL IS A CONTACT SPORT YOU DIPSHITS! So what if it's in the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA? First of all, it was a pass rush/pass pro drill...ummm how can you NOT come into contact when you're doing that? Isn't that the point of pass pro? To get hands on and try to defeat or complete a block on the opposing player? There is no need to stir up controversey about that. If the players were that concerned with it, they would have sat out of the drill. And what kind of player would you be if you sat out a drill in mini camp because you thought it was too much contact? You wouldn't be in the league very long. ESPN needs to quit raking the muck and start reporting on actual sports news.

That being said, National Letter of Intent day was Wednesday and apparently everyone did very well. Which leads me to my next gripe...RIVALS recruiting service. Rivals makes its money off of kids who pay them to promote them. They send film and are assigned a ranking of 5-0 stars. Jimmy Claussen was a 5 star recruit out of high school. How's he doing? Exactly. On the other hand, Mike Hart who holds every rushing record at Michigan was a three star guy. Other three stars or lower were Pat White and Steve Slaton. Yeah, they turned out ok didn't they? Rivals pumps these kids up to be superstars before they even take a collegiate snap and that is unfair to all parties involved. Then you take ESPN and their signing day coverage and you create an absolute mess for these kids. Yeah, I'm sure the attention is cool and all but what if they don't win the Heisman? Are they failures as players if they don't dominate at the collegeiate level right after high school? Some idiots think so. I don't. They're just kids, they don't need all this attention. It's ruining college sports.

I'm going to talk very briefly about the Pistons...they suck. I don't watch the games but when I see the highlights or read about it in the papers (the online papers)I can't help but long for the good old days when the Pistons were, "Going To Work" but now they can see a teammate get raped by a goon from Boston and not even bat an eye about it. You try to do that with Mahorn, Rodman, Laimbeer or even Ben Wallace on the floor...you're gonna be missing some teeth if you pull a stunt like that. This team has no fight left in it. Sheed is a joke, the AI experiment has failed and Rip isn't at all what he used to be. They don't play defense anymore and they rank in the bottom five of the league in every offensive category. Something must be done. But at the same time, I hate to say I told you so. When they traded Chauncey away, the traded the heart and soul of the team with it. Now you have five individuals out there who don't give a shit anymore. It's sad when you think about it. It was 5 years ago that they were the second coming of the Bad Boys. Now they're just bad.

The Wings aren't fairing very well either. I was listening to 97.1 the other day and people were saying that Ozzie's time is up and they need to either trade for a goalie to take them to the Cup or let Conklin take over. I'm not opposed to letting Conklin get a few more starts here and there but you have to remember, Ozzie has won the Wings two cups and has been historically stellar in the playoffs. Sure, his numbers aren't very good right now but that can be attributed to the guys playing in front of him. If the blue liners aren't stopping the attack and leaving Ozzie out to dry every night, you're not going to be very successful. I have all the confidence in the world that they will turn it around here soon. Remember, about this time last year they went and lost like 9 games or so in a row, I'm not too worried about it just yet. Everything will fall into place and Kenny Holland will do what's best for the team.

The Tigers avoided arbitration by signing Verlander to a one year deal. If he doesn't bounce back, he won't be a Tiger in 2010, you can be sure of that. Oh and here's a radical idea...Manny is still available...why not take a shot at him right? Guy hits .350 with 120 RBI a season...I'll take the antics for a season of that. But that's just me talkin and I know it won't happen nor to I truly want it to.

The Lions...well...let's not talk about the Lions.

I hereby pledge to write in this blog at the very least two times a week from here on out. Bear with me and buy some T-Shirts from the store to help me buy a new laptop. Drink Up Bitches! T-shirts are great for St. Patty's day!