They Have the Internet on Computers Now?

I'm back! Here's Brian Bellows!



I got my old laptop with the O.A.R. sticker on it back from the homeland and now I am able to blog again. Like I said before, blogging on the campus of Eastern Michigan University isn't exactly a fun experience. Unless of course I was sitting there outside a building or in a cafeteria just blogging about what I saw and being an asshole via Internet to all those around me. That would be one of the most entertaining blogs ever. Maybe one of these days you'll get it. But until then let's talk about stuff nobody really gives a rat's ass about.

Is it just me or has all this Alex Rodriguez hoopla absolutely sucked the life out of spring training? Typically I love watching SportsCenter this time of year to get some decent baseball coverage with season previews and the like but this year it's been all A-Rod all the time on the World Wide Leader. Whenever I turn on ESPN there's the bottom line telling me how many times A-Rod wiped his ass after his morning deuce. It was at that point when the "Too Much Information" line was crossed and I have decided to just not watch SportsCenter anymore. In fact, this is the last time I will even mention A-Rod until the Tigers play the Yanks in a three game set at CoPa April 27th-29th. From now until then the words A-Rod, Rod, Alex, Rodriguez, or DoucheTurd (as he will be referenced forever post embargo) will not be written in this space. THE ALEX RODRIGUEZ EMBARGO IS NOW IN EFFECT!

Speaking of the WorldWideLeaderInSports, I watched the last 20 minutes of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 (the "Dos") and found them borderline entertaining. As you know (well, as some of you know) ESPN is located in Bristol, Connecticut and was absolutely PUMMELED with a winter storm which forced ESPN to email its minions telling them that unless you are absolutely essential personnel you are not required to attend work. This led Golic to an epiphany saying, "Basically if you're sitting up in bed wondering if you're essential personnel, stay in bed, you're not essential personnel." Personally, I think it's a trick that ESPN is pulling to see who they can fire for not being "essential to the success of the network." That's what I would do anyway. A pink slip for every empty cube. Save millions of dollars just like that. Boo Ya!

Speaking of saving money, let's talk NBA. Apparently the NBA is hemorrhaging money and is getting something around $175 million for teams that are in danger of folding. Where's your god now David Stern? I tell you what though, at this point the entire Association could fold because my interest in the game has reached Teal Era levels. When the Pistons changed to their unis to teal with the horse head on it I just stopped watching. And that's the level I'm back to now. The Teal Era dark age led to a revolution of sorts and resulted in a championship. I don't know what to name this period of Piston history. The Period of General Lethargy? The Great Debacle Era? The End of Days? I don't know but I have noticed one thing just like the rest of you have, they have won two games in a row with Iverson on the bench...BUT I still don't care. The day they traded Chauncey away will go down in history as the day the music officially died in Auburn Hills. That's like the Wings trading away Lidstrom or Drapes, you don't trade away the blood and guts of a successful franchise and still expect to win. I don't want to talk bad about Joe Dumars but c'mon man, you serious? That's like the Pistons trading YOU away. Remember when I said time will tell if it was a good deal? Time just called, he said it was an experiement worse than when my high school chemistry teacher blew his hand up in front of a classroom full of students when he showed them what sodium does in water. That actually happened. It was hilarious.

Is it just me or is it kind of fishy that they Chiefs traded nothing more than a 2nd round pick to the Patriots for Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel? KC GM Scott Pioli had a HUGE hand in the success of the Pats over the years with Bill Belicheck so maybe Bill was just throwing his buddy a little "thanks for helping me win three Super Bowls" gift. The idiots on Cold Pizza's (which was hosted by Michael Kim and former US Soccer player hottie Julie Foudy this morning because apparently the regular cast isn't "essential personnel" oh and Foudy looked like it was the first time she'd ever done live-ish televison. Seriously, I was laughing my ass off at how bad it was. It was a slow mo hilarious car crash on repeat for the 8 minutes or so I watched) First and Ten "Two Live Stews" say it is most definitely collusion and called for NFL Commish Roger Goodell to get involved. I whole heartedly disagree with that sentiment. If Goodell gets involved he's blatantly overstepping his boundaries and that's something David Stern, Gary Bettman, or Bud Selig would do. It's one thing to install a code of conduct for your players, I'm cool with that and think it's a great idea but when you start telling teams how to trade and who to trade with, well then you're just kind of taking the whole play fair thing a little too far. If the rest of the league doesn't like what happened, too damn bad, you should have hired Pioli before the Chiefs did.

The Lions reportedly were close to stealing Jay Cutler away from Denver. I don't know how, but they found a way to screw it up. Great work Mayhew and Crew! I can't wait to see the Lions be the first team to ever choose a kicker with the number one pick in the draft. I can see it now, "With the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select...Diet Pepsi Machine?" It's like everyone they hire for the front office there in Allen Park graduated with honors from the University of Dipshit.

A couple of quick hitters here before I go and do something else with my life (like attempt to graduate).

Michigan Hoops at Crisler is a fun time. Went with Rowe on Thursday to watch them beat Purdue. My only regret is not taunting the "Boiler Up" Chanters behind us more. Boil this (insert crotch grab here) bitches! Then in the schizophrenic style of Michigan basketball, they lost yesterday to Wisconsin and unless they win at least two games in the Big Ten Tourney (they play Northwestern Thursday and then upon winning they have to play State for the first time ever in the Big Ten Tourney which should be fun. Basically, the bubble may have burst but who knows, maybe they'll hit a hot streak and win the damn thing. Doubtful but you never know.

Michigan Hockey beat Ferris State Saturday to secure second place in the regular season CCHA standings and a first round bye in the CCHA tournament. The big news was Senior Captain Mark Mitera played in his first series of the season and in his first home game, scored a goal and had an assist after being injured all year. Talk about great timing. With Mitera back on the blue-line, Michigan could be poised to make a run at another National Title. Too early to tell.

Ok that's enough. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert for those who made it through the whole post.

You're the best Bellows!

*UPDATE*
I, like a total asshole forgot to mention former Lion defensive end Corey Smith's fishing boat going missing in the Gulf of Mexico. AP just reported (1:15pm right now) the Coast Guard has found the boat with one survivor. Kind of a downer. Thoughts and prayers. More info HERE.
And HERE.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Bud Selig,
You know what Bud? I'm really getting tired of writing you letters citing your incompetence. Maybe it's time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. This steroid scandal is turning you into an even bigger joke than you were before. Oh and you're getting paid only slightly less than the highest paid player in the game (who, of course, is the center of all this steroid talk, and right before pitchers and catchers report...nice) for reasons that escape me. Sure, attendance is up but in this economic climate, how much longer do you expect it to last? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to attend at least 10 games this summer but c'mon Bud, it's time to do one of, if not both of, two things. Resign or take a pay cut. There is no reason you should be raking in $18 million a year for doing a shitty job running a league that has thrived despite your incompetence. You're turning yourself into Gary Bettman, another commish who's league is doing very well despite the efforts of its administration. Oh, and you need to make sure that A-Rod's name is not the only one released from that list of 104 players who tested positive for the juice. I need to know who to boo.
That's enough Bud, that's enough.
Cole

Dear NCAA,
I read via Deadspin that you're thinking about having a policy that takes points off the board for taunting before reaching the endzone. Oh so basically you want college football to be cold and emotionless like chess? I agree with the excessive celebration penalty for if someone does something stupid like spikes the ball or does the Gator Chomp or things of that nature but I don't see anything wrong with running into the endzone with an index finger extended. I think a rule like this would be bad for the game because of the judgment call it would be for the officials. How do you determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior? One ref's idea of good is another's idea of bad. The fewer judgment calls there are, the easier it is to properly officiate a game. There's no need for taking points off the board if some kid (that's all they are folks, these are 17-22 year old kids out there) dives into the endzone late in the 4th quarter to take the lead. That's football, it's an emotional game, let the kids play and quit being such pricks about it.
Cole

Dear India,
Fucking REALLY??? (Click the link or this will make absolutely no sense)

Dear Brett Favre,
You've always been one of my favorite players I've ever had the privilege to watch. However, after last year's retirement debacle where you left the league hanging for months on end, you better be serious about retiring this time. You had a good year (and a great year for my fantasy team early on, thank you) with the Jets but dude, you need to hang them up for real this time. Go back to Mississippi and relax for a while on the farm and enjoy the rest of your life. You have nothing left to prove. Just stay away this time. You've earned a ride off into the sunset so do it graciously.
Cole

Dear NBA,
Ok, you already know I don't really like you. That being said, don't be offended when I call you names here in the next couple of lines. NBA, you are a joke. It's pathetic really when you think about it. You were at the height of your popularity in the late 80s/early 90s when everyone was doing blow and scoring 120+ a night and now you're trying to get back to that era only sans blow. I can't fault you for trying to bring the glory days back but you're failing miserably and in some sick, twisted way, I get a great amount of pleasure watching you fail at everything. Which brings me to my next point...H-O-R-S-E. Playing HORSE at All-Star weekend is a good idea. I like it because I knew you'd screw it up somehow and sure enough you did. You took a great childhood game and commercialized it turning HORSE into G-E-I-C-O. Are you kidding me? I hope this game takes 8 hours and the arena is empty out of boredom so the talking heads over at ESPN can make fun of you for it. I'm almost hoping for an ugly strip club incident in Phoenix this weekend just to make you look even worse. Would I like you any better if the Pistons were still the Pistons and not the "Auburn Hills Whiny Millionaires Who Refuse to Rebound or Play Hard"? Eh, at this point, probably not.
Cole

Dear Jessica Simpson,
Maybe it's time to squeeze a salad in every once in a while. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. Unless Romo likes his girls a lil more than thick then by all means, for his sake eat another cheeseburger.
Everyone thinks you're fat and I think it's funny that it made CNN
HAHAHA God Bless America!
Cole

Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Happy Birthday. Tell these communists here at Eastern that I shouldn't have to go to school on Monday night. Reminds me of South Park, "I haven't seen an American take a shot like that since Abraham Lincoln" Which in turn reminds me of Wayne's World on SNL, "If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln." Nice work with that whole getting rid of slavery thing too.
200 years later...and here we are.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
DREW STANTON WILL LEAD YOU TO A SUPER BOWL! IF YOU DRAFT MATT STAFFORD I AM DONE WITH YOU FOREVER AND WILL ROOT FOR THE BEARS THE REST OF MY LIFE! More about you some other time. I can't wait to see you screw up the draft in a very Millen-esque performance.
Cole

*UPDATE*
Ok, I just watched the "Always a Tiger" video on the Tigers website...I had to wipe away a tear here in the computer lab. I shit you not. Pitchers and Catchers report tomorrow. If you can watch this video and not get goosebumps from it, you're either an asshole Indians fan or a heartless bastard. You choose. Video Here.