People I Would Like to Punch in the Face

This new feature on Tobacco Juice Sports will make you aware of people who need to get punched in the face for their random acts of douchebaggery and other made up words.

The following people need to be punched in the face...

The ShamWow! guy.
Why? First of all, look at this asshole. Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face more after seeing this picture? What genuinely confuses me about this guy is why the headset? Are you not filming your horrifyingly annoying commercials on a sound stage that has microphones available? And dude, you deserve about 8 punches in the face for selling a shitty product and having a feaux-hawk. Absolute douchebag. Must punch in face.

NBC Sports

For hiring this guy to talk about the playoffs
Someone at NBC has a very cruel sense of humor. Granted, before he committed what was thought to be career suicide by accepting the Lions job, Millen was a very good football commentator. However...the team he built went 0-16 and he is absolutely LOATHED by an entire region of the country. You would have to think that maybe it was a little too soon to be throwing Matt Millen at the football watching public after the debacle that was the Millen Years in Detroit. Of course though, nobody at NBC cares and they are all patting themselves on the back for landing Millen again. Assholes.

Billy Mays and his goddamned OxiClean
I don't know who to blame for starting the whole "Yell into the camera and get people to buy your shit" method of advertising but Billy Mays (and his bastard son the ShamWow Guy) has turned it into an art form. An art form that when it comes on TV I immediately feel like punching the elderly. It's horrible. Does his product work? I don't know because I constantly refuse to buy it out of spite for him and the people that hired him to sell this bullshit.

People Who Watch VH1
Anyone who watches the garbage VH1 puts on TV needs to be punched in the face. Repeatedly. VH1 and the people that watch it are contributing even further to the downfall of American culture. Just you wait, a thousands years from now, people will be studying the 2000s and they'll stumble across some old VH1 tapes and declare these years as the second dark ages where nothing was really accomplished because everyone was too busy watching a bunch of skanks try to bang Brett Michaels or a Crackhead that used to be the hype man for Public Enemy. Or even worse, they'll watch I Love New York and shoot themselves in the face to erase the memory of it. Here's an idea for you morons that watch VH1. READ A FREAKIN BOOK! Put down the bong and do something else. Anything else. I hate you people.

A-Rod
You know what, back when Alex Rodriguez was playing with Griffey and Randy Johnson in Seattle, I liked him. I thought he was a good young player that could change the way baseball is played. Well, he's changed. Now that he's making $20 million a year and banging Madonna, he's kind of an asshole and nobody calls him out on it. So I am doing it now. HEY A-ROD...YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Kevin James
You know what Kevin James...I used to like you. Back when you and Stacy Carosi from Saved by the Bell were married on that show, you were awesome. You gave fat guys everywhere hope that one day even a fat guy can marry a hot chick from Staten Island or wherever gives her that crazy accent. And then you decided to make a move that will most likely turn your career into an absolute joke. You sold out and signed on to make Paul Blart - Mall Cop. It goes without saying that this movie probably shouldn't have ever been written, let alone made and distributed and you should be ashamed of yourself for taking part in it. You're better than that Kevin James. Or, well, I thought you were. Now you, the writers, producers, directors and any pissant assistant that helped make this movie all need to be punched in the face. You should be ashamed of yourself.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear A-Rod,
Ok, about this time last year you were caught red handed with a stripper who looked eerily similar to a young Jason Giambi which caused all sorts of uproar. Your wife (who is SMOKING hot by the way) forgave you and your wallet and everything was hunky dory for a while. Fast forward a year to present day New York. Now the rumors are flying that you're banging washed up and never really that hot anyway, Madonna. Madonna? Really? First of all, she's what like 50? Secondly, she's got about 19 different kids from 17 different countries. Thirdly, if she had as many stickin out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a damn porcupine. Not a good look bud, not a good look. And another thing, the All Star Game is being played for the last time in Yankee Stadium and you're gonna douche out and not participate in the Home Run Derby? Way to prove my theory that you are more trouble than the bajillions of dollars you're worth. I'm so glad the Tigers didn't get you like my moron friends said they should. Rule #47 you're an asshole.
Sincerely, Cole

Dear Marian Hossa,
I would like to be the first to welcome you to the Detroit Metro Area. I cannot congratulate you enough on turning down the security of a long term deal to sign a possible one and done contract here in Detroit in hopes that you will have your name etched onto Lord Stanley's Cup. I must warn you in advance however, if you turn into one of those, "Me, Me, Me" guys a la Sergei Federov, I will not hesitate to publicly scorn you for the duration of the season and boo you every chance I get when you sign with an opposing team. You have been warned.
Welcome to Detroit!!
Cole

Dear Major League Baseball,
It's time to fix the All-Star Game again. Yeah, it was a nice gimmick to get the fans and players "excited" about the ASG by awarding the winning league home field advantage in the World Series the year after Selig declared a tie in Milwaukee. It was a nice gesture but is it really necessary now? Especially considering the AL's dominance of the game in recent years. When you really think about it, it's a big fat joke anyway. All the players are hungover and don't care if they win or lose even though they are told they have to care. And let's talk about player selection. I am all about the fans voting for the starters but is Jason Varitek really an all star batting .217 on the year? Joe Mauer is batting .325 with 37 RBI right now and he's not going to be starting in the All Star Game. Dioner Navarro, the backstop for the best team in the AL the Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays is hitting .317 with 33 RBI and he might not even make it on the team. Something is wrong here but then again, this is a democratic society and who am I to say that Red Sox fans are idiots? They're just doing what every team's fans do and voting for their guy right? There is not right answer, some guys are just gonna get screwed but there just has to be a better way of doing things. And quit trying to make us think that it really matters, we're not as stupid as we look when we're in the bleachers drunk off our asses and yelling at the right fielder about how hot his sister is and what not.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole

Dear C.C. Sabathia,
I have to say, I am going to miss seeing the Tigers own your ass. Hopefully our paths will cross again. Try to take it easy on the bratwursts up there in Milwaukee. Your pants know what I'm talkin about.
Signed, Cole

Dear ESPN,
Thanks for trying to make Arena Football a viable option for your male viewers who are going through football withdrawls. I think your coverage is great. Now, I know that it's the summer and that baseball highlights are usually as about as exciting as watching flies make love, but your summer gimmicks that attempt to entice your viewers to watch more ESPN really need to go. Last year it was "Who's Now?" and I could write for days about how Goddamned awful that was. This year it is slightly more interesting but still lame as all hell with this "Titletown" crap. I'm telling you, if I were running your network, there would be some non sports loving hippies in Bristol Conneticut standing in the unemployment office. Stick to what made you, you ESPN.
Professional Rugby and the USFL.
Love, Cole

Dear WWE,
You used to be so cool...what happened to you?
Seriously.

Dear Readers,
Over the next couple weeks I will be doing the Mid American Conference Preview on TJS. I will do all I can not to be too biased in my opinions especially towards all of those shithead schools in Ohio. Wednesday will be Ball State.
Never Leave me, you're all I've got.
Cole