If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear A-Rod,
Ok, about this time last year you were caught red handed with a stripper who looked eerily similar to a young Jason Giambi which caused all sorts of uproar. Your wife (who is SMOKING hot by the way) forgave you and your wallet and everything was hunky dory for a while. Fast forward a year to present day New York. Now the rumors are flying that you're banging washed up and never really that hot anyway, Madonna. Madonna? Really? First of all, she's what like 50? Secondly, she's got about 19 different kids from 17 different countries. Thirdly, if she had as many stickin out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a damn porcupine. Not a good look bud, not a good look. And another thing, the All Star Game is being played for the last time in Yankee Stadium and you're gonna douche out and not participate in the Home Run Derby? Way to prove my theory that you are more trouble than the bajillions of dollars you're worth. I'm so glad the Tigers didn't get you like my moron friends said they should. Rule #47 you're an asshole.
Sincerely, Cole

Dear Marian Hossa,
I would like to be the first to welcome you to the Detroit Metro Area. I cannot congratulate you enough on turning down the security of a long term deal to sign a possible one and done contract here in Detroit in hopes that you will have your name etched onto Lord Stanley's Cup. I must warn you in advance however, if you turn into one of those, "Me, Me, Me" guys a la Sergei Federov, I will not hesitate to publicly scorn you for the duration of the season and boo you every chance I get when you sign with an opposing team. You have been warned.
Welcome to Detroit!!
Cole

Dear Major League Baseball,
It's time to fix the All-Star Game again. Yeah, it was a nice gimmick to get the fans and players "excited" about the ASG by awarding the winning league home field advantage in the World Series the year after Selig declared a tie in Milwaukee. It was a nice gesture but is it really necessary now? Especially considering the AL's dominance of the game in recent years. When you really think about it, it's a big fat joke anyway. All the players are hungover and don't care if they win or lose even though they are told they have to care. And let's talk about player selection. I am all about the fans voting for the starters but is Jason Varitek really an all star batting .217 on the year? Joe Mauer is batting .325 with 37 RBI right now and he's not going to be starting in the All Star Game. Dioner Navarro, the backstop for the best team in the AL the Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays is hitting .317 with 33 RBI and he might not even make it on the team. Something is wrong here but then again, this is a democratic society and who am I to say that Red Sox fans are idiots? They're just doing what every team's fans do and voting for their guy right? There is not right answer, some guys are just gonna get screwed but there just has to be a better way of doing things. And quit trying to make us think that it really matters, we're not as stupid as we look when we're in the bleachers drunk off our asses and yelling at the right fielder about how hot his sister is and what not.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole

Dear C.C. Sabathia,
I have to say, I am going to miss seeing the Tigers own your ass. Hopefully our paths will cross again. Try to take it easy on the bratwursts up there in Milwaukee. Your pants know what I'm talkin about.
Signed, Cole

Dear ESPN,
Thanks for trying to make Arena Football a viable option for your male viewers who are going through football withdrawls. I think your coverage is great. Now, I know that it's the summer and that baseball highlights are usually as about as exciting as watching flies make love, but your summer gimmicks that attempt to entice your viewers to watch more ESPN really need to go. Last year it was "Who's Now?" and I could write for days about how Goddamned awful that was. This year it is slightly more interesting but still lame as all hell with this "Titletown" crap. I'm telling you, if I were running your network, there would be some non sports loving hippies in Bristol Conneticut standing in the unemployment office. Stick to what made you, you ESPN.
Professional Rugby and the USFL.
Love, Cole

Dear WWE,
You used to be so cool...what happened to you?
Seriously.

Dear Readers,
Over the next couple weeks I will be doing the Mid American Conference Preview on TJS. I will do all I can not to be too biased in my opinions especially towards all of those shithead schools in Ohio. Wednesday will be Ball State.
Never Leave me, you're all I've got.
Cole

And your guest host is...

hello all from noblesville, indiana. i am sarah vanmetre...some of you know me, some of you don't. i am kind of a big deal, so if you don't know me, sorry. i am currently at home taking care of my mother and my sister. my mom had surgery and my sister is worthless...its alot of fun.

anyways, i thought that i would accept the invitation to post on the blog for the day. i have many random thoughts flowing through my brain...and i think that other people could benefit from them. maybe not all of them, but you can pick and choose which thought works for you. so without further ado, here we go.

first, i will start out with a tip for the gentlemen out there. there are more things to do at a gym than just bench press and biceps curls. for real. i have been spending a good amount of time working out lately, and every single male at the gym is ALWAYS bench pressing or curling. I think it is ridiculous when i see guys walk by with HUGE chests and chicken legs. Seriously, there is a whole section for lower body exercising...give it a try.

a random espn note...hannah storm is making her way over to the cable network. and there will now be live sportscenters all day long. which i think is interesting (read: good move). my only thing with espn is that they seem to push female personalities down our throats (see: Erin Andrews). i am all for women in sports media...as long as they fit. So the second rachel nichols makes an appearance behind the anchor desk, i am never watching the worldwide leader ever again.

as for the association, there have been some very good games lately. i just wish that the teams i wanted to win would win...which never happens. so it looks like we are headed for another san antonio-detroit final if this keeps up. as for some individual points:

• LeBron: seriously, watching him is amazing. when i think about the fact that we graduated high school at the same time, i have no words (which really doesn't happen to me). my only thing with him is that he knows he is better than everyone. watching him going to the bench like he was going to kill someone (on his team) got a little disheartening after awhile. i mean, he is not blessed with the best teammates in the world, but he just treats them like they are a rag-tag fifth grade team. just be a little nicer in the future, lbj. thanks.
• Lakers: i never thought that there would be a day when i would be cheering for the lakers and kobe. but kobe is just ridiculous. yeah he threw everyone under the bus earlier this season (kind of like what lebron is doing right now)...and then he realized that was getting him nowhere. he refocused and started playing the all-around game that he has always been capable of. maybe lebron should pay attention...playing with your teammates instead bitching about them goes a long way.
• i am done cheering for teams...they always lose. cleveland, new orleans, phoenix, anyone the pistons play.
  
• and have to mention my formerly beloved pacers. we have the 11th pick this season...last time we had this pick, we picked up a skinny little guard from UCLA with the great name of reginald miller. i think its a sign that we are back on the right track...because if not, larry legend might not be welcomed in this state much longer.

a quick congrats to the city of indianapolis. we got the super bowl in 2012...as long as there is no work stoppage. i really think indy is one of the better locations for a super bowl. yeah, it will be a tad chilly, but everyone can golf during the summer. the city is clean, has tons of great bars and restaurants, theaters, malls and hotels. and a kick-ass new stadium is always a good thing too. now we just have to hope that the horseshoes are still contenders then.

sorry no hockey news today...i am not much of a hockey person. i did see that franzen might be able to play in the finals, so congrats to detroit on that one. in hockey's place, i will mention the greatest spectacle in racing coming up this weekend. i have lived near indy for 15 years and have only been to the speedway twice...on field trips. i have heard that this year will just be the best since 1996 since it will be unified again...but i will have to listen to everyone else about it. all i know is that the race is a good reason to have a party.

on a pop culture note, desperate housewives wrapped up its fourth season this past sunday...it was great. And grey's will be done tomorrow...i know that some of you will be watching. don't be ashamed...it really shows your masculinity. angelina is having twins...must be nice to have all that money to hire nannies to take care of your kids so you can keep banging brad pitt. and i am anxiously awaiting the sex and the city movie. i have been watching all the old episodes lately. if you guys want to score some points with your significant others, suggest going to the movie together...don't wait until she asks. you will score some major points!!

ok that is all for me...i am sure that i missed some huge story that should have been addressed, but thats okay...i might be back. hope you all enjoyed my guest spot.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Detroit Tigers Starting Pitching Staff,
I would have addressed this to, "The Best Young Arms in the league," but that wouldn't mean I was writing a letter to you. That would be a letter to anyone else not you. Ok fellas, in all seriousness, we are now 38 games into the season and your collective record is 9-18 and have an ERA of 5.35 and that's not even counting Dontrelle Willis and his early dismal performance. Now, I don't really care what you have to do to fix this, but please, for the love of all things holy, FIX IT NOW!! Whatever it takes, please, please, please find a way to turn this around! Be it taking home some of the finest bus station skanks Detroit has to offer, or going on the road and finding the finest bus station skanks or strippers that Kansas City or Chicago or Bumfuk Rhode Island has to offer. Whatever you think could help, just do it. Nobody will think any less of you because that's pretty hard to do right now anyway.
Go out and get drunk or something, maybe that will help,
Cole

Dear ESPN,
Just because the NHL isn't on your network anymore, doesn't mean you have to give movie theater handjobs to the NBA at every possible second. I've watched SportsCenter three times so far today and each time it gets worse and worse. And hey, fat blonde chick doing the outside the lines report on OJ Mayo, way to ambush the kid about getting money from some douchebag who wanted to be a part of the game again. He's just a kid and he just announced his eligibility for the NBA Draft and you completely ambushed him. He's 19 years old. Did he take money from an agency while at USC and before? Probably. Was it totally necessary to jump the kid after his announcement and ruin a day he had been dreaming about since he picked up a basketball? Probably not. Use your heads ESPN Producers. That was just wrong on your part and you should probably be ashamed of yourselves. Kids screw up (Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Reggie Bush) and get taken advantage of by older men (Ed Martin, BDA Goon Squad) who are desperately trying to live the dream by earning the trust of these talented young men and then betraying them when they don't get their way. Shit happens, just try not to pin it all on the kids and pin more of it on the adults who corrupt them.
Oh and ESPN, how about some more hockey coverage?
Nobody wants to know about Chris Paul eating dinner at Tony Longoria's house.
Cole

Dear Marvin Harrison,
Welcome to the club!!!
Signed,
Ray Lewis, Chris Henry, Pac Man Jones, and OJ Simpson

Dear Charlie Weis,
The Hell with Michigan? Um, Ok Charlie, we need to talk. Charlie, listen man, you were 3-9 last season with Notre Dame. You coached a Notre Dame team to a three win season in 2007. Granted, that was a straight up awful football team but you you still only won three times. And you lost to Navy for the first time since the days of Roger Staubach. Now might not be the time to go out and pick fights with schools. Now, I understand that Michigan might not be what they have been in the past this year under the new regime, but Charlie do you really want to give them something to rally around? Knowing your luck, everything in fall camp in Ann Arbor is going to suddenly click and they will be going full blast as they roll into South Bend and peckerslap the Irish again this year. And if Michigan doesn't do it, Michigan State will, oh wait, they've done that already haven't they...


Poor Bastard,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
You're still in the playoffs? Oh right, you haven't played Boston yet.
My Bad,
Cole

Dear Philadelphia Flyers,
I have to say it was a pleasure watching your play in the playoffs this season. The gritty nature of your style of play is truly fun to watch. It's just too bad that your defensemen are apparently made of glass and keep breaking. You can't beat the Penguins without Braydon Coburn and Kimmo Timmonen back on the blueline, you just can't. Nice season Philly, maybe in like 7 years you'll win.
Cole

PS To ESPN,
Just because you have Don Cherry in studio for 45 seconds a day doesn't mean you are actually covering hockey. You're just throwing a gimmick in there so everyone thinks you care.
Fuckin Jerks

Dear Matt Patterson,
Otter and I are buying the bubble hockey table and so help me God, you will play it, and you will love it!!
Cole

Dear Dallas Stars,
There will be blood.
Anonymous