Letters....To Santa

Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really shitty awesome Christmas present from Santa Claus like socks or ugly clothes, or last years Madden because it was cheaper? Of course you did, hell we all did (expect for my Jewish readers who got to play dreidel drinking games all night before Moses came and blew out the candles, that's how Hanukkah works right?). Have you ever wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him how much of an asshole he was for giving you shitty presents? These are those.

Dear Santa,
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.

You Suck!
Cole

Dear Santa,
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league.  Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?

Regards,
Joe Dumars

Dear Santa,
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!

Go Irish!
BK

Dear Santa,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!

Rich Rodriguez

Dear Santa,
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.

Miguel Cabrera

Dear Satan,
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.

JG

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.

Mike Babcock

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.

Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.

The City of Detroit

Dear Santa,
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.

America

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.

*UPDATE*   I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Big Things Poppin

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...

The Chronicles of Wayne Smith

There ya go Wayne. You're mentioned in the blog.

Hi! Hello, and how are you? So the laptop I had was reclaimed by its rightful owner and the computer labs on campus aren't exactly condusive for creativity but whatever. I'll find a way to get this shit going again.

So I'm watching SportsCenter this morning and then switched it to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 which was followed by Cold Pizza, I mean First Take. It was at that point that I realized something very profound...

ESPN SUCKS!!!

Yeah, I said it. It goes against all I believe in but damnit, ESPN's morning programming has turned into an absolute abomination. What's wrong with it? Well I could just say it sucks but that doesn't quite do it justice.

The SportsCenter LIVE experiment is an absolute failure if you ask me. Hanna Storm and the other guy are just terrible together. I would much rather just watch the previous night's SportsCenter on repeat all morning instead of listening to two mono toned slaps read the same highlights over and over. And it seems sometimes that they have no understanding of how the game on the highlight actually works. They spend the entire morning blowing Lebron and Kobe and the Celtics and then a hockey highlight will sneak in there and they absolutely butcher it. I hate to tell you folks...but hockey is passing the Association in the ratings. Maybe Hanna and Doucher should read up on it a little bit. And don't get me started on ESPN's coverage of college hoops. You talk about overkill...holy shit. It's on EVERY DAMN NIGHT!! I know it's winter and ESPN doesn't have an NHL contract but holy Christ...a guy can only watch Duke play and then listen to the talking heads talk about it for so long before he wants to blow his brains out. There is literally nothing good I can say about SportsCenter LIVE. It's horrible. Just horrible.

Equally as bad yet mildly more entertaining is Mike and Mike in the Morning. Now, I have to tell you that yes, I do occasionally like to listen to this show when I'm getting ready in the morning. However, I've noticed that MAMITM is nothing more than a low calorie version of SportsCenter with very mildly entertaining interviews thrown in. The only time it's watchable is when Golic is hungover and is tired of listening to Greenie's whining about God knows what.

Cold Pizza, or First Take as it's now known, is just shitty. It was ok as Cold Pizza but they found a way to make it nearly unwatchable. I have to say, when the annoying old dude and the Jemele Smith get on there to debate topics, it makes me wonder if Smith has even participated or even watched an actual athletic competition. It's a joke and ESPN needs to realize this and do something about it. The only way to fix it is to get Erin Andrews or someone of equal or greater hotness to be on the show every morning. Now THAT is something I'd wake up to.

And when you think about it, is there a better actual talent in the ESPN stable of reporters than Erin Andrews? Take away the rediculously hot factor and you STILL have a GREAT reporter who asks the right questions to the right people every time. She could save ESPN's morning programming. I'd much rather watch that than turn on a college basketball game and hope she might interview somebody.

So that's what I think about ESPN. They are too basketball heavy and they are constantly looking to cause some sort of controversy with their reporting. Like the reports today that the Texans were having contact drills during a mini camp last year. FOOTBALL IS A CONTACT SPORT YOU DIPSHITS! So what if it's in the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA? First of all, it was a pass rush/pass pro drill...ummm how can you NOT come into contact when you're doing that? Isn't that the point of pass pro? To get hands on and try to defeat or complete a block on the opposing player? There is no need to stir up controversey about that. If the players were that concerned with it, they would have sat out of the drill. And what kind of player would you be if you sat out a drill in mini camp because you thought it was too much contact? You wouldn't be in the league very long. ESPN needs to quit raking the muck and start reporting on actual sports news.

That being said, National Letter of Intent day was Wednesday and apparently everyone did very well. Which leads me to my next gripe...RIVALS recruiting service. Rivals makes its money off of kids who pay them to promote them. They send film and are assigned a ranking of 5-0 stars. Jimmy Claussen was a 5 star recruit out of high school. How's he doing? Exactly. On the other hand, Mike Hart who holds every rushing record at Michigan was a three star guy. Other three stars or lower were Pat White and Steve Slaton. Yeah, they turned out ok didn't they? Rivals pumps these kids up to be superstars before they even take a collegiate snap and that is unfair to all parties involved. Then you take ESPN and their signing day coverage and you create an absolute mess for these kids. Yeah, I'm sure the attention is cool and all but what if they don't win the Heisman? Are they failures as players if they don't dominate at the collegeiate level right after high school? Some idiots think so. I don't. They're just kids, they don't need all this attention. It's ruining college sports.

I'm going to talk very briefly about the Pistons...they suck. I don't watch the games but when I see the highlights or read about it in the papers (the online papers)I can't help but long for the good old days when the Pistons were, "Going To Work" but now they can see a teammate get raped by a goon from Boston and not even bat an eye about it. You try to do that with Mahorn, Rodman, Laimbeer or even Ben Wallace on the floor...you're gonna be missing some teeth if you pull a stunt like that. This team has no fight left in it. Sheed is a joke, the AI experiment has failed and Rip isn't at all what he used to be. They don't play defense anymore and they rank in the bottom five of the league in every offensive category. Something must be done. But at the same time, I hate to say I told you so. When they traded Chauncey away, the traded the heart and soul of the team with it. Now you have five individuals out there who don't give a shit anymore. It's sad when you think about it. It was 5 years ago that they were the second coming of the Bad Boys. Now they're just bad.

The Wings aren't fairing very well either. I was listening to 97.1 the other day and people were saying that Ozzie's time is up and they need to either trade for a goalie to take them to the Cup or let Conklin take over. I'm not opposed to letting Conklin get a few more starts here and there but you have to remember, Ozzie has won the Wings two cups and has been historically stellar in the playoffs. Sure, his numbers aren't very good right now but that can be attributed to the guys playing in front of him. If the blue liners aren't stopping the attack and leaving Ozzie out to dry every night, you're not going to be very successful. I have all the confidence in the world that they will turn it around here soon. Remember, about this time last year they went and lost like 9 games or so in a row, I'm not too worried about it just yet. Everything will fall into place and Kenny Holland will do what's best for the team.

The Tigers avoided arbitration by signing Verlander to a one year deal. If he doesn't bounce back, he won't be a Tiger in 2010, you can be sure of that. Oh and here's a radical idea...Manny is still available...why not take a shot at him right? Guy hits .350 with 120 RBI a season...I'll take the antics for a season of that. But that's just me talkin and I know it won't happen nor to I truly want it to.

The Lions...well...let's not talk about the Lions.

I hereby pledge to write in this blog at the very least two times a week from here on out. Bear with me and buy some T-Shirts from the store to help me buy a new laptop. Drink Up Bitches! T-shirts are great for St. Patty's day!

Happy Boxing Day Canada!!!

After a long layoff I'm back from up north snowmobiling and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with the family and I hope you did too. Now...what did we miss over the past week?
Before I get started, just a little background music for everyone who was hating on me on the message boards (I read them, I don't post on them, they're terrible for the environment) just click the video and listen to the music as you read.



I'm never one to gloat so I won't gloat about the Ron English hiring at Eastern Michigan which is EXACTLY what that team and university needs. After watching the press conference I am convinced that this is the man for the job and EMU will once again be respectable in the MAC and who knows...they might even mess around and win the damn thing within the next two years. As far as recruiting goes, I feel that even though the previous regime was instructed to NOT recruit (very much) after the firing, the hiring of English is such a high profile one that any real football player who wants to play in the MAC would have to take a step back from their options and take a good long look at EMU again. Recruiting will not take as big of a hit as everyone is thinking and that is a very, very good thing. Oh, and since I was snowed in up north in Mesick, Michigan (the mushroom capitol of the world), I wasn't able to rip off Brian at MGoBlog and post this video after a great hire of a great football coach. I'll go ahead and do that now...

EASTERN HIRES RON ENGLISH!!!


Like I've already said, I'm EXTREMELY fired up about this hire and know that this team in Ypsilanti will be a source of pride for the community again very, VERY soon.

In other news...the Lions are now 0-15 and are a mere 60 football minutes away from being the first 0-16 team in the history of the No Fun Leage, I mean National Football League. Before I get to the Lions and their undying pitifulness, I have to chastise NFL Commish Roger Goodell for being a celebration Nazi. Last Sunday in a snowy game against Arizona, New England Patriots reciever Wes Welker caught a touchdown pass and then made a snow angel in the endzone.




As you saw in the video, it was nothing more than a guy having some fun in the snow after making a great play for a touchdown. By letter of the law, a player cannot go to the ground for a touchdown celebration which is the second biggest crock of shit involved with this incident. The biggest crock of shit and the current front runner for the "Crock of Shit of the Year" award, is the fact that the NFL (No Fun League as mentioned before) fined Welker $10,000 bucks for it. So you fine Wes Welker for making a snow angel and you let the Dallas Cowboys act like a bunch of girls in front of the press like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. Something's not right here, and if I'm Wes Welker, I make a snow angel again next week as an F.U. to Goodell and his celebration Gestapo.

As for the Lions, let's face it, they simply will not win on Sunday in Green Bay. They struggle enough there with a good team let alone with this shitpile they have rolling out every week. The Lions will be 0-16 and will forever be known as the worst team in the history of the NFL.

HOWEVER

I truly believe that Rod Marinelli is NOT THE ONE TO BLAME! It's not his fault at all. Marinelli was handed the keys to another Ford Lemon and he did the best he could do with what he had. It's not like he's Marty Mornenweig choosing to kick off to start overtime in Chicago. Rod Marinelli is simply not the one to blame. Everyone above Rod Marinelli deserves all the blame in the world. And the idea of keeping Matt Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew on as GM next season would be the biggest mistake the Ford's have made since they hired Millen. Why keep on a guy who has the same ideas and concepts as the guy you just fired? Like my old man says, most of the time it's the Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's which is the case in Detroit. The X's and O's are there, they just don't have the Jimmy's and Joe's to play on Sundays which is the main job of the GM and Millen screwed that up and I feel that Mayhew will do the same thing and leave us Lions fans scratching our heads as usual on draft day. Until Ford sells his team or gives control to his son, the Lions will never win. I know it's radical, but firing Rod Marinelli is not going to fix anything and could (somehow) make things worse.

The Pistons...OK, I'm not going to lie to you at all, I've spent exactly two and a half minutes watching the Pistons this season and that was because the Red Wings were on commercial and I hit the wrong button on the remote. That is how much I care about the Pistons. When I watch them, it's typically on accident or it's the playoffs and the Wings are off that night. Call it what you will, I simply cannot stand watching the NBA in fact, I would rather watch grass grow than watch the NBA. I would rather watch drunken clowns make balloon animals than the NBA. I would rather watch soccer, women's college hoops, Alf, reruns of Three's Company, or the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap than watch the NBA. Shit, I'd rather go to class than watch the NBA, and that's really saying something there. Dad just chimed in with a gem, "I'd rather watch heavyweight division beach volleyball than the NBA." Exactly Dad, exactly.

The Wings, well, they're just doing what they do. They're 8-2 and peckerslapped the NHL's best team San Jose last week 6-0, a win that served as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Detroit Red Wings are still the Detroit Red Wings and will kick your ass every night if you don't come to play. Ozzie has been hurt for almost a month now and Ty Conklin has done a tremendous job filling in for him, posting two shutouts and an 11-4 season record with a 2.53 Goals Against Average. Marian Hossa has proved to be the best free agent signing for any team in the offseason as he's leading the Wings in goals at the moment with 17 and is second to Datsyuk in points with 34 (Datsyuk has 37). There is one name on the stat sheet that continues to stand out to me and that name is Jiri Hudler. Hudler is fourth on the team in points behind Datsyuk, Hossa, and Zetterberg which is quite the company to be involved with. Hudler has 13 goals and 15 helpers on the year for a total of 28 but what's most impressive is that he's scored 13 times this year while only taking 66 shots which gives him a very impressive shooting percentage of just under 20% (19.7 to be exact). What does that mean? Well, if Hossa had a 20% shooting percentage, he would have scored 28 goals already instead of just 17. Either way, this is just typical Red Wings, you have your superstars lead the way and then the less noticeable guys follow their lead and play good hockey. Next week on January 1st, the Wings play in Chicago at Wrigley Field in the League's third outdoor game. So far conditions are going to be perfect but to me it doesn't matter because I'm an idiot and waited too long to buy my tickets for it. It's always a battle when these two Original Six teams face off with each other but given the grand stage this game is on, it should be even more intense and fun to watch. I just might watch the hockey game instead of the bowl games that day. We'll see.

As a Boxing Day present, here's Elisha Cuthbert doing what she does.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!!

Flip Out

Not out like "out of the closet." Out as in relieved of his post as coach of the Detroit Pistons.

I for one always placed the blame on the players instead of Flip for losing in the Conference Finals every year. If Flip did what he did in other towns, he would have frigging streets named after him already. Apparently the Pistons and I don't see eye to eye on this matter. From what Joe Dumars said in an AP interview, more personnel changes are possibly on the horizon (ahem, Sheed, Chauncey, Rip).

"Make no mistake, everybody is in play right now," said Joe Dumars, the Pistons' president of basketball operations. "There are no sacred cows here. You lose that sacred cow status when you lose three straight years. I think this team became way too content and did not show up with a sense of urgency to get it done," Dumars said at a news conference. "I can't sugarcoat it. It is what it is." Dumars stopped short of saying he would dismantle the Pistons. "The idea you can make yourself bad and make yourself good again, that's a farce," he said. "I have no interest in completely ripping the team down. Will I look to making significant changes? Yeah, you're damn right I will." (Thanks Associated Press for the quotes)

You know what, this one simple interview with Joe Dumars and what he said in it, has completely changed my view of the Detroit Pistons. Someone FINALLY said what needed to be said. The team and the organization got complacent and now changes need to be made. Rumor has it that a strong candidate to replace Flip is former Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson who is basically the Western Conference's version of Flip Saunders. Johnson has had nothing but extremely talented teams for the last few years in Dallas and has won exactly zero championships and has even bowed out in the first or second rounds. Not exactly who I would go with.

Personally, I would love to see the Pistons go with Larry Brown but he's a little busy these days with the Bobcats. Another name I would like to throw out there is the man that started it all...Rick Carlisle. In reality however, current Pistons assistant coach Michael Curry is rumored to be the leading candidate.

In Red Wing news...You know what, I'm still too upset about last night to write anything about it just yet.

34.5 seconds.

DAMNIT

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Joe Dumars,

Ok, here is my proposed plan of action. Trade Sheed. Trade Chauncey. Draft somebody good. That's all I really have for you. The free agent market is the worst I've ever seen it so basically all you can do is make some shrewd trades here and there and see if you can't keep the success of your team going. Why trade Sheed? Because he's done. It's as simple as that. Rasheed Wallace is not what he used to be by any stretch of the imagination and he's become not so much a distraction but more along the lines of a waste of space. The only conceivable place you could send Sheed is Charlotte so he can be reunited with Larry Brown. The only problem with that is, there won't be much coming back in return unless Jordan doesn't like Okafor anymore which would be nice. Chauncey on the other hand, I would actually hate to see him go as I have really enjoyed watching him play over the past few years. In my opinion, Rodney Stuckey is ready to take the reins of this team and lead them to the promised land, or at least back to the Eastern Conference Finals which is where Pistons seasons seem to go to die anyway. Congratulations Joe on building a franchise that most cities would be peeing their pants to have, but as for the city of Auburn Hills and her neighbors, it's time to change things up a bit.

Sincerely,

Cole

Dear Readers,
If you had the Stanley Cup for a day, what would you do with it?
Seriously,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Congratulations on climbing out of the AL Central cellar this weekend. You're 6 games back from the White Sox and are still very much in contention after a horrendous April and May. Do everyone a favor now, sweep the A's this week then come back to Detroit and beat the chaw spit out of the Tribe this weekend. It's probably time to go on a nice little winning streak now. Any time you're ready just let us know ok? You're lucky that most everyone in Detroit is watching the Wings right now, otherwise there would be a lot more pissed off Tigers fans out there than just yours truly.
Don't Turn Into The Pistons,
Cole

Dear Jonathan Papelbon and the Dropkick Murphys,
Thank you so much for teaching me this dance so I could properly celebrate the Celtics win over the Pistons Friday night in Ronnie's living room.

Thanks again for helping me piss off my Piston loving friends!
Cole

Dear Sidney Crosby,
"We know what we gotta do. We gotta win to stay alive." No shit Sid? You mean that in a 7 game series, the first team to lose four times is out of the series? That's how that works? Your genius rivals that of Forrest Gump. Do the hockey world a favor too, next year, focus more on playing hockey than bitching about the guys in the other sweaters being actual hockey players.
All the best to your daddy Mario,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
After a while it just stops hurting.
Signed,
The Buffalo Bills

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
Just wanted to say, nice work trying to polish a turd by putting up those little lightpost banners touting the excellence of EMU and EMU Athletics around Ypsilanti. The problem is, you can't polish a turd. It is impossible. If it were possible to polish a turd, I would recommend a few things. First of all, maybe raise the standards of admission just a touch. Eastern Michigan is usually everyone's last choice because let's face it, everyone gets in to Eastern. Hell, I got in so what's that say? It's time to quit acting like a community college with your admissions policies and maybe attract a different type of student. Like the serious-ish type. Another would be to maybe tear down a few buildings or purchase more land (with imaginary money of course) and build some nice new parking lots. I will have to begin driving to class every day and it would be nice if I could find a spot before my class is over this time. You should also consider getting rid of all of your chalkboards. That's right, I said it, EMU still has chalkboards and VCRs on carts that teachers have to sign out to use if they want to show an 1980s era public television show about interracial communication or math. I can handle the VCRs on carts, but the blackboards? I would take a ten cents a credit hour raise in tuition to put whiteboards in every classroom. Not that anyone uses them but still. Another point I would like to raise is to do something, ANYTHING to get students to actually go to football or basketball or baseball or softball games. Make it a tailgate friendly environment over at the Convocation Center (conveniently located about a mile away from campus...brilliant move there late 90s administration). If you tell kids that they can booze and then go to a game with little to no repercussions, people will go. I'm not saying sell beer at the games, just encourage a little binge drinking on Saturday afternoons in Ypsilanti. You know why Western and Central games are well attended? Not because of the quality of teams they throw out there, it's because their students have been drinking all day in anticipation of being drunk and disorderly in the stands for the game. It's the "Win or Lose We're Gonna Booze," mentality that you need. Trust me on this one ok?
I hate your guts and can't wait to leave you,
Cole

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
You are 60 hockey minutes away from hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup. Nothing more needs to be said.
Love,
Cole

On This Date... Nothing Happened

Yesterday, the Detroit sports world stood still and I decided to stand still with it.
Actually, I decided to smoke a cigar Otter (yes, Otter is still alive we just don't have cable or internet in the living room so we can't live blog and we all miss out on his um, witty comments) bought for me a couple weeks ago and enjoy a bottle of rum. It was like I was a living, breathing JoBu (from the Major League movies c'mon people). I received my first purchase order from the Tobacco Juice Store yesterday, which was exciting until I realized that I was the one who bought the shirts. The "Got Swedes?" and "Cleveland Doesn't Rock" shirts came out very nicely and I will be wearing them at every given opportunity. Tagless Fruit of The Loom Shirts are the essence of comfort. I suggest you buy some.

Anyways, on tap for tonight we have the Tigers starting a three game set with the ever so gracious Mariners at 10:10 which is an odd start time even for the West Coast. The Pistons end their good run tonight when they lose to the Celtics in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals on ESPN at 8:30. Also playing tonight is the lookintheattic.com coed slowpitch softball team at 8:20. That is if Mother Nature doesn't piss all over the place as she is expected to do.

On a more serious but not that serious note, what is wrong with the Detroit Pistons? I'm not talking about what is wrong with their play but what is wrong with the attitude surrounding that team? I am not the only person who just doesn't care that much about them anymore. Why do you think that is? I think this is mainly due to the fact that they topped out too soon. They should not have won that championship against the Lakers in 2004. They shouldn't have. That was supposed to be Phil Jackson's 9th title. Shaq and Kobe were supposed to win their what like third in a row or something along those lines? It was supposed to be a sweep of the Pistons in the NBA Finals but instead, as the Free Press called it, it was a "Five Game Sweep," by the Pistons. They've been to the Eastern Conference Finals every year, and the NBA Finals once since then. I would like to think that had the Pistons lost to the Lakers in 2004, things might be very different. Fans would still give a rats ass about them in the Conference Finals every year instead of saying, "Oh the Pistons are on? What round is it? Who are they playing?" Detroit Pistons fans have been spoiled by success. And I am the biggest culprit of that. Many of you have read what I have said about this. How I was a huge fan and would go to Palacevision or see them play in Indy during the playoffs. Now though, I am simply not interested in going. Even if the tickets were free, I would probably say, "Eh, I'm good. I'll just watch the highlights later." If you give me Red Wings tickets I'm going no questions asked. I'll drop everything to go watch them play and not just in the playoffs.

Why would I do this? Because, I am simply tired of the Pistons, their fans, their players, their administration, and their arena. It's all just old news to me now. I remember when they started playing good again after they got rid of the awful teal unis with the flaming horse on the front. It was very exciting. 7 years and one championship later though, the whole idea of the Detroit Pistons is just stale to me. The Red Wings on the other hand are technically in the same boat. Years and years of successful regular season teams has spoiled fans but the playoff flops since 2002, have actually kept them somewhat interested. Which makes this trip to the Stanley Cup Finals even more special for everyone involved.

In Eastern Michigan Hurons news, the baseball team, champions of the MAC tournament, is playing as we speak at Fisher Stadium in Ann Arbor. As of writing this, EMU is leading perrennial power Arizona 6-5 in the bottom of the 6th. This would be an upset the likes of the Earl Boykins led team's upset of top seeded Duke in the NCAA Basketball tournament. However, due to the double elimination format of the NCAA Baseball tourney, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting as sending a top seed home early. It would be nice, but not THAT nice. Hopefully they will be able to pull this one out.

Speaking of baseball, the Grass Lake Warriors open up district tournament play tomorrow afternoon against Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard. This is a match up that I take special interest in as Richard was the team that knocked my junior year baseball team (a great, great team if I do say so myself) on a fluky play in the district finals. Bases were loaded and Mike Masten hit a bullet back to the pitcher who threw his hands up in self defense and randomly caught the ball to end the season. Needless, to say, I would really like to see Hamilton's boys put a whoopin on the whatever the hell they're called from Ann Arbor Richard.

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is on (I hear Erin Andrews is doing the sideline reporting for it, which makes me giggle a bit) and the lone participant from Jackson County was Tristan Schrot from Our Lady of Fatima elementary school in Michigan Center. Tristan did well but missed on his first word on the stage. The word was, "Personalia." He spelled it "persanalia." Which just goes on to prove my theory that private schools are not as good as public schools. Really Tristan? You know there's no A in the word, "person." I don't want to call the kid a choke artist, but he choked worse than Greg Norman at the Masters. Way to go Tristan, way to go. You can watch all of the smart Asian kids spell words you've never heard of tonight at 8 on ABC.

HEY BARTENDER! JOBU NEEDS A REFILL!

Eh, That'll Happen

REMAIN CALM! ALL IS WELL!!

We've got good news and bad news. Bad news is the Wings lost. Good news is they are still up 2-1 in the series and will look to go up 3-1 on Saturday in Pittsburgh.

As for the game...ok well call me a sinner but I didn't really see much of it due to a flag football commitment (team Heisman got beat badly. And yes, that is the team I'm on which pisses me off even more that I missed the game to go and get our asses handed to us, great idea not). I did catch a lot of it on the radio to and from the game though so I won't be just reading everything off of the recap and posting it on here.

Mule had a nice game for the Wings and was even awarded the third star for his efforts with a goal and what I'm sure was physical play. Samuelsson scored the Wings' other goal in the third to bring the Wings within one but they couldn't get anything past the Pens defense and set up a decent shot on Fluery late and the Pens took game three. Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby had two goals for Pittsburgh and Adam Hall knocked in what would be the game winner at 7:13 in the third. Judging from Ken Kal's call on 97.1 the Ticket, it was a fluky goal that was just kind of stabbed at in a pile of people. Those are the types of goals that hurt the most because more often than not, they are the goals that win the games. Especially in the playoffs.

Ozzie had his scoreless streak broken by Crosby 17:25ish into the first period then he dumped in a powerplay goal early in the second. And I just want to go on record say that I am officially very, very nervous that Crosby is going to take over this series and that Malkin will eventually remember how to play hockey and start doing what he does which is also score goals. We may have awoken the sleeping giant that is the Pens offense.

I'm not scared yet, but at the same time I am dumping in my pants out of fear that things could get ugly for our beloved Red Wings.

In other news, the Pistons were down by as much as 17 in the 3rd but are right now down 6 with 4:20 left and McDyess just fouled out of the game. I'm going to go out on a limb on this one and say that the Pistons are not going to win this contest.

In more important news, the Tigers are winning 3-0 in the bottom of the 4th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim which is the most asinine team name this side of Team Heisman.

Really quick here let me go off on a rant on indoor rec league flag football. IT'S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!! There are no pads, no downfield blocking, no tackling, and there is supposed to be no strategy. However, there are teams (the one I play on) that have someone actually calling plays. And worse yet DEFENSIVE SCHEMES!!! All flag football is, is backyard football with refs and flags. You don't need to scheme up a goddamned coverage system in flag football. You don't need to call plays from the bench in flag football. To the other teams in the league, you don't need wristbands with plays on them in flag football. You don't need someone filming your games so you can watch them later in flag football. You don't need practices in flag football (as one moron said to me on the bench tonight to which I replied, "yeah...no not gonna happen"). Tell you what, you get me in a professional flag football league and maybe I'll practice, maybe I'll consider watching film, maybe I'll consider coverage and alignment schemes. Until then I must repeat myself IT IS REC LEAGUE FLAG FOOTBALL! You're playing rec league flag football, you are done chasing the dream, shut up and play ball.

Why must I be surrounded by freaking idiots.

Due to my piss poor mood right now...Ladies and Gentlemen...
Brian Bellows is a superstar.


Ahhh...old time hockey

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Pittsburgh,
Look on the bright side, you're only 113 days away from the beginning of your Steelers annual run to mediocrity!
Somewhere in Belle Vernon, a grandmother is missing a salad bowl and a lot of tin foil.
Cole

Dear Aaron Krepps,
Looking at that picture is like looking into the future isn't it?
Cole

Dear Big Brown's Training Staff,
Do you want to make millions of dollars selling horse semen for the next 20 years or do you want to shoot your horse in front of millions of people after he collapses from his broken hoof?
Choose Wisely,
Cole (more on this letter here)

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Nice work on the sweep of the Mariners last week. And great job hanging 19 on the Twins Saturday. Really, impressive stuff right there. Also congratulations on your 8th shutout loss of the year yesterday. Walking in the winning run has got to be the most creative way you guys have lost this year. You never cease to amaze me.
Love,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? YOU SCORE 19 ON SATURDAY AND THEN A COMBINED ONE RUN IN THE NEXT TWO GAMES? GET YOUR FREAKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! HEY CARLOS GUILLEN, I'M GETTING REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOOT BALLS AROUND IN THE INFIELD LIKE IT'S A GODDAMNED YOUTH LEAGUE SOCCER GAME! SHEFFIELD, I SWEAR TO GOD HIMSELF THAT IF YOU COME OUT OF A GAME WITH ANOTHER PIDDLY SHIT INJURY AGAIN THAT I WILL BOO YOU LIKE I BOOED BOBBY HIGGINSON! QUIT ACTING LIKE JUAN GONZALEZ AND BE A FREAKING BALLPLAYER! Oh, and Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski...DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT??
Love, Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Great game yesterday. Or at least thats what they told me on SportsCenter 25 times this morning. Can you beat the Celtics? Probably. Will you beat the Lakers or Spurs if you beat the Celtics? Probably not. Eh, you had a good run.
Auburn Hills Rock City!
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
I'm not even going to touch this topic yet.
Cole

Dear Joakim Noah,
Congratulations on your first pot arrest!
Signed,
Ricky Williams, Nate Newton, Isaiah Rider, Shawn Kemp

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
I just wanted to say congratulations on making the Stanley Cup Finals. That is an accomplishment in itself and nobody can take that away from you. Also I would like to remind you that hitting the goalie is not allowed in hockey especially when the hitting takes place late in a 3-0 game. Could you tell Ryan Malone to kindly stop hitting the Red Wings best players 5 seconds after the whistle? Could you remind Brooks Orpik that there is more to hockey than being a goon, like defense? Oh yeah, and I don't want to sound like a dick here but you do know that in order to win a hockey game, at any level, you kind of have to score a goal right? Don't get me wrong, I love what you're doing right now with that whole, "wait until we get them on our ice," thing but I just don't know if it's the best plan for business. Dust off the golf clubs, it will all be over soon.
Keep Up The Great Work!
Cole

Dear PETA,
Stop being so gay about everything jeez.
America

Dear Sports Talk Radio Callers,
OK, yeah we get it, that's enough, that's enough, THAT'S ENOUGH! Seriously guys, what are you doing with your lives? I know the economy is bad and all but come on, how do you have time to call into a radio show and go on a rant about Rasheed Wallace not rebounding enough or how tough Pavel Datsyuk was last night or how the Tigers need to relocate to Montreal? Like, I, I just don't get it. And this goes especially to the ones out there who can't speak proper(ish) English. If you're gonna wait 45 minutes to talk to some dude about Tayshaun's poor ball handling skills, you could at write down what you're going to say so as to not sound like a total idiot. But then again, the people that call into radio shows are usually the one's at the check out line or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (except for you Dave, you're in the minority for having a well paying job and still constantly calling in to radio shows at the same time). Basically what I'm saying is this: People who call in to Sports Talk Radio are pretty much the worst types of people.
(Other than those that call into Channel 95.5 of course. THEY are the absolute worst)
It's probably time to move out of mommy's basement and get a big boy job.
Cole

Well, That Was a Doozy

Tigers win, Red Wings win, Pistons lose. Two outta three ain't bad.

And boy did the Tigers win! 19 runs? Are you kidding me guy? A win today (tied at 1 in the 4th currently) and they might consider themselves to be rolling a bit. A loss today and last night's game is a meaningless SportsCenter highlight.

The Pistons got little brother bitch slapped by the Celtics last night. Funny story about the Pistons actually. I was at Pub 13 watching the Wings with a couple of friends I randomly bumped into when some moron turned the station on the big projection screen from the Wings to the Pistons sending the bar patrons into an absolute fury. It's good to see that I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't care about the Pistons anymore.

And as for the Wings...
Complete and Utter Domination!
Samuelsson out of nowhere scores two goals, Cleary scores on a shorthanded mini breakaway, and Zetterberg scores a rub their noses in it like a puppy who just shit on the floor powerplay goal with 13 seconds left in the game. Ozzie turned aside 19 shots, 11 of them in the first period, for his second shutout in the playoffs this season.



Now, let's talk goaltender interference. Lidstrom buried a nasty wrister in the first period but the goal was waved off because of an alleged goaltender interference call on, you guessed it, Thomas Holmstrom. Now, I am all about accepting a penalty or a goal being waved off if something actually happened. This time however, nothing happened. Homer didn't do anything wrong at all unless being a hockey player is all of a sudden a penalty. Babcock said in his post game press conference, "You watched the game. Was he in the crease? That's the rule, you can't put your stick in the crease now, is it? Did they change that when I wasn't watching?" That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. If that happens to any other team though, it could potentially change the entire outcome of the game. Luckily the Wings shrugged it off, killed the penalty and then scored 4 more goals to sent the youngsters back to their hotel rooms to think about what they've done.

Game two is tomorrow night at 8 on Versus for the last time this season. Yay.

THREE WINS AWAY!!

Gentlemen, Start Your Remotes

Ok, let's do a little what's on tap this weekend.
Tonight-Tigers and lookintheattic.com softball (who's your dot com?) at 7
Tomorrow - Tigers at 7. Wings at 8. Pistons at 8:30. Christ.
Sunday - 1100 miles of racing with the Indy 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 and the Tigers are at 1.
Monday - Wings at 8. Pistons at 8:30. Tigers at 9.

This all brings up an interesting point. What are you going to watch? We all have certain strategies when things like this happen. I for one will be primarily watching the Wings (of course) and during commercials I'll send it over to the Tigers and then the Pistons just for score updates, not long enough to miss any hockey though. That or I'll just go to the bar and watch all three at once. Which brings me to my next point...anyone want to go to the bar with me and watch the games?

The Pistons impressed the hell right out of me last night. They looked like the old school Pistons. Not the Bad Boys but the "Goin to Work" crew. They played great defense, Rip was knocking down jumpers left and right. Sheed felt like playing so he did and he played well. They had that "look" of a team poised to make a run at a championship last night it was also great to see someone beat the Celts at home. If only they can keep losing on the road, the Pistons win the series. Something tells me that might not happen but I'll be rooting for them anyway. And yes, I am starting to warm up to the Pistons a little bit. And no, I'm not jumping on the bandwagon, I was never off the bandwagon.

In other news...



Jim Leyland went on a bleep laden mini tirade in the clubhouse after Mondays game and it apparently worked. The Tigers looked like the team we all hoped they would be in the sweep of the series against Seattle. I'm not getting too excited just yet though. If they play well this weekend against the Twins then I'll be a little excited, possibly even a slight bit giddy at the prospects of everything possibly coming together. It's still too early to get too disappointed or too happy. Nobody has ever won a pennant in May.

As for the Wings, Franzen was cleared to practice yesterday and will most likely be playing tomorrow night which also makes me happy in the bathing suit area. Franzen is more of an impact player than anyone gives him credit for as he makes the Wings not such a one trick pony with the Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Holmstrom line. That and he's a big nasty bastard who likes him a little contact here and there. It will be fun to watch, I just hope he didn't forget how to play hockey with that long layoff.

What do we as fans need to be aware of as we go into the Stanley Cup Finals against the now hated Pittsburgh Penguins. The key to winning the series and hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup consists of six letters. C, M, S, F, G and sometimes Y.

Crosby - The face of the new NHL. The Next One. Hockey Jesus. Sidney Crosby is the most dynamic player the league has seen since Wayne Gretzky. I'm not calling him Gretzky at all, I'm just saying it's been a while since we've seen a player like Crosby take the ice. He makes everyone on the ice with him better at all times. You cannot stop Sidney Crosby, you can only hope to contain him or hope that he crashes into the boards and jacks his ankle up again.

Malkin - Evgeni Malkin is the other face of the new NHL. At 20 years old he is already making a name for himself as a pure goal scorer who also plays very physical. On any other team he is an absolute superstar and franchise player. He doesn't have the passing skills, defensive skills, computer hacking skills, or nunchuk skills, that Crosby has, but he is an absolute force on the offensive side of the puck.

Staal - Jordin Staal is the most underrated of the young Pittsburgh superstars. Don Cherry has praised this youngster as a Steve Yzerman type of player. Not a huge goal scorer but can put the puck in the net when he has to. A great passer and a true team player who works extremely hard on both ends of the ice. He worries me because he is the kind of player who will get a key goal on a borderline lucky shot that could send a series into a frenzy.

Fluery - Marc-Andre Fluery was drafted first overall by the Pens in 2003 and has been considered to be the true future of the franchise. He has played extremely well in the playoffs thus far with a 1.70 goals against average against 388 shots and has an amazing 12-2 record coming into the Stanley Cup Finals. The only advantage the Wings could have against Fluery is that he is just like Turco in the fact that he doesn't handle traffic in front of the net very well. He will make the saves he is supposed to make while being very technically sound. He hasn't seen much traffic thus far in the playoffs as many of the teams in the East don't emphasize that as much as the Wings do. All they need to do is get in the youngster's head a bit and hope for the best.

Gonchar - Sergei Gonchar is a veteran defenseman who at one point in time was considered to be one of the best in the game. He is also just like Lidstrom and plays a very fundamental game and is a great passer. He'll take the body more than Liddy, but is smart about it as he has only seen the inside of the penalty box 3 times in the 14 games they've played thus far. You cannot rattle Sergei Gonchar. He is un-rattleable.

Youth - This is a young, young, young hockey team. But it is also a very, very, very good hockey team. The best way to beat a young team with a relatively old team is to get into their heads and tell them that they are too young to play against the big boys for the Cup. Out hit, out shoot, out hustle the Pens, and you will win. With youth comes inexperience. If the Wings can get the youngsters to take some bad penalties here and there (namely from Jarkko Ruutuu who is leading the Pens with 24 penalty minutes) and dump a few powerplay goals past Fluery, while staying out of the box themselves, they have a very, very good chance.

Tomorrow night, 8 o'clock on VERSUS the Stanley Cup Finals begin.

I can't freakin wait!

And your guest host is...

hello all from noblesville, indiana. i am sarah vanmetre...some of you know me, some of you don't. i am kind of a big deal, so if you don't know me, sorry. i am currently at home taking care of my mother and my sister. my mom had surgery and my sister is worthless...its alot of fun.

anyways, i thought that i would accept the invitation to post on the blog for the day. i have many random thoughts flowing through my brain...and i think that other people could benefit from them. maybe not all of them, but you can pick and choose which thought works for you. so without further ado, here we go.

first, i will start out with a tip for the gentlemen out there. there are more things to do at a gym than just bench press and biceps curls. for real. i have been spending a good amount of time working out lately, and every single male at the gym is ALWAYS bench pressing or curling. I think it is ridiculous when i see guys walk by with HUGE chests and chicken legs. Seriously, there is a whole section for lower body exercising...give it a try.

a random espn note...hannah storm is making her way over to the cable network. and there will now be live sportscenters all day long. which i think is interesting (read: good move). my only thing with espn is that they seem to push female personalities down our throats (see: Erin Andrews). i am all for women in sports media...as long as they fit. So the second rachel nichols makes an appearance behind the anchor desk, i am never watching the worldwide leader ever again.

as for the association, there have been some very good games lately. i just wish that the teams i wanted to win would win...which never happens. so it looks like we are headed for another san antonio-detroit final if this keeps up. as for some individual points:

• LeBron: seriously, watching him is amazing. when i think about the fact that we graduated high school at the same time, i have no words (which really doesn't happen to me). my only thing with him is that he knows he is better than everyone. watching him going to the bench like he was going to kill someone (on his team) got a little disheartening after awhile. i mean, he is not blessed with the best teammates in the world, but he just treats them like they are a rag-tag fifth grade team. just be a little nicer in the future, lbj. thanks.
• Lakers: i never thought that there would be a day when i would be cheering for the lakers and kobe. but kobe is just ridiculous. yeah he threw everyone under the bus earlier this season (kind of like what lebron is doing right now)...and then he realized that was getting him nowhere. he refocused and started playing the all-around game that he has always been capable of. maybe lebron should pay attention...playing with your teammates instead bitching about them goes a long way.
• i am done cheering for teams...they always lose. cleveland, new orleans, phoenix, anyone the pistons play.
  
• and have to mention my formerly beloved pacers. we have the 11th pick this season...last time we had this pick, we picked up a skinny little guard from UCLA with the great name of reginald miller. i think its a sign that we are back on the right track...because if not, larry legend might not be welcomed in this state much longer.

a quick congrats to the city of indianapolis. we got the super bowl in 2012...as long as there is no work stoppage. i really think indy is one of the better locations for a super bowl. yeah, it will be a tad chilly, but everyone can golf during the summer. the city is clean, has tons of great bars and restaurants, theaters, malls and hotels. and a kick-ass new stadium is always a good thing too. now we just have to hope that the horseshoes are still contenders then.

sorry no hockey news today...i am not much of a hockey person. i did see that franzen might be able to play in the finals, so congrats to detroit on that one. in hockey's place, i will mention the greatest spectacle in racing coming up this weekend. i have lived near indy for 15 years and have only been to the speedway twice...on field trips. i have heard that this year will just be the best since 1996 since it will be unified again...but i will have to listen to everyone else about it. all i know is that the race is a good reason to have a party.

on a pop culture note, desperate housewives wrapped up its fourth season this past sunday...it was great. And grey's will be done tomorrow...i know that some of you will be watching. don't be ashamed...it really shows your masculinity. angelina is having twins...must be nice to have all that money to hire nannies to take care of your kids so you can keep banging brad pitt. and i am anxiously awaiting the sex and the city movie. i have been watching all the old episodes lately. if you guys want to score some points with your significant others, suggest going to the movie together...don't wait until she asks. you will score some major points!!

ok that is all for me...i am sure that i missed some huge story that should have been addressed, but thats okay...i might be back. hope you all enjoyed my guest spot.

Random Silliness and General Nonsense

Quick shot of the Stanley Cup Finals TV schedule. Games 1 and 2 in Detroit will be broadcast on Versus with the rest of the games being on national NBC. Two more games of cagefighting and deer hunting commercials. The only problem is the Versus broadcast team of Mike Emerick and Ed Olzcyk will basically change sport jackets and do the commentary for NBC which means more intermission reports from Brian Freaking Engblom. Nice work Gary Bettman, nice work.

The Pistons open up their series with the Celtics tonight at 8:30 on the World Wide Leader which is just as tolerable as the Versus hockey broadcasts. Maybe I'm just being over critical of these broadcast teams but for some reason I just find them to be horrible for both sports on both networks. I can't really put my finger on it but when I watch the NBA on ESPN it sounds like an elderly fourth grade teacher scraping her nails on a chalkboard. It makes me want to go around punching babies somewhere.

I had an in depth conversation with Z about the Pistons and their chances against the Celtics. He thinks the Stones are going to win the series in no more than 6 games and no less than 4. He did bring up some good points saying that Ray Allen has been the invisible man thus far in the playoffs and that all the game sevens they've played has to wear on the legs a little bit. The Celtics are by no means a young team so he may have a point there. On the other hand, I am still skeptical of the Pistons ability to win the series. They have the veteran experience to win on the road but no team has beaten the Celtics in Boston yet this playoff season. I don't really expect the Celts to win at the Palace due to the fact that they haven't won a road game yet in the playoffs and all of those road games were in relatively tame locales when compared to the Auburn Hills Zoo they will play in in this series. All the Pistons have to do is win one time in Boston and the series is theirs to lose. Of course, IF they were to win this series, they would have to play San Antonio (yes that is a prediction on my part) in the finals and we all know how they usually fair against the Spurs in the finals. Could this be a parade laden early summer/late spring for the Wings and the Pistons? I'm going to say.......maybe.

The Tigers open up their series against the Mariners tonight at the Copa. Hopefully the day off yesterday will prove to shake something loose and the Tigers can get back to their winning ways. The good news is, as much as the Tigers suck right now, the M's are just as bad if not worse. This could be a pillow fight for the ages as these two teams battle for the bottom of the barrel in the AL.

In other and more important baseball news, the Grass Lake Warriors won their first outright Cascades Conference Title since 1993 after sweeping a double header against the Jayhawks of Vandercook Lake. In the first game Casey Hall pitched 5 innings of shut out baseball with 11 strikeouts before Steven O'Hotzke (go Irish pitchers!) came in in a mop up role allowing two unimportant runs as the Warriors would go on to win by a score of 7-2. Hall also lead the charge at the plate going 3 for 4 with a triple and two RBIs. Jordon Bliss scored a hat trick and struck out three times...that'll happen Jordon, keep your head up. Charlie Fisher took the hill in the second game and was nothing short of dominant pitching 5 innings and striking out 9 while only allowing 4 hits. The aforementioned Jordon Bliss erased his 3 strikeout performance in the first game by going 2 for 2 with a walk, a triple and 3 RBIs in the second game as the Warriors mercy ruled the Jayhawks 10-0. I cannot congratulate the Warriors and their first year coach Ben Hamilton enough on a terrific season thus far. Grass Lake will host the District tournament starting next Tuesday and featuring Manchester, Whitmore Lake, Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard, Clinton and South Lyon East. Tournament pairings will be announced in the upcoming days.

Tomorrow I have a very, very special treat for you as we will have the first guest blog written by a writer to be named later. You will enjoy it as this writer is one of the most talented, insightful, and technically sound writer I have ever seen.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Horse Racing Fans,
Congratulations of having a legitimate Triple Crown Threat this year to possibly bring people back to your sport. Oh and more congratulations are due to you for not having to shoot any horses this weekend at Pimlico. Nice work everybody. Really, nice job!
Your sport is irrelevant to the casual fans who aren't degenerate gamblers or borderline alcoholics, much love,
Cole

Dear Toledo MudHens,
Hey guys, just wanted you to know that you're about to have ticket sales skyrocket after you get Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander in your clubhouse. The Dirty Bird Bar will be ROCKIN when those guys get there. I full expect Sheff to start making it rain on the finest bus station skanks Toledo has to offer.
Poor Bastards,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Read what I said to the Hens and consider it. Sheff is officially done in my book and Verlander...well he's just having bad luck but still, think about it.
Love,
Cole

Dear Ben Wallace,
Two years ago you were the hottest free agent on the market. Now you are nothing more than a mere afterthought on a "team" with one superstar and a bunch of never were's. I have never seen anyone fall from grace faster and harder than you Ben Wallce. Part of me feels bad for you, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But part of me also says that Karma is a real whore sometimes. I know you gotta get paid but you had to stay in the Central and go to the Bulls? That'd be like Yzerman going to play for the Avs. Bad idea Benny. And to think I once owned your afro so I could look like the rest of the white dudes from the Auburn Hills area.
Fuck you but have a nice day!
Cole

Dear LeBron James,
You will never be me. Ever. EVER!!
Michael Jordan

Dear Indian (Dot not Feather) Dude Running the Food Stand at Pray Harrold This Morning,
You work on a college campus. You should probably have regular coffee made and ready in the mornings...not decaf. Thanks for breaking my streak of not being late to class at 6.
I wish you were Tim Hortons,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Here is how you can beat the Boston Celtics:
1. Stop the Boston Three Party (ESPN Commercial fans will get that one)
2. Out hustle them
3. Pray for a bus accident
Good Luck!
Cole

Dear Ohio,
You suck and I hate your guts.
Signed,
America

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
Ok guys, that's enough messing around. It's probably time to end this series before things get way too scary. Just do what I've told you to do since this series started. Get traffic in front of Turco, annoy the piss out of Morrow so he takes bad penalties, out hit them, and try to act like you have more than one line out there with Franzen out of the lineup. Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Holmstrom is not your entire team. The other lines need to step up tonight so you can finish this thing and proceed to peckerslapping the Pens for the Cup. Seriously guys, this isn't funny anymore.
Stop it you're scaring me,
Cole

Dear Charlotte I mean New Orleans Hornets,
Do us all a favor and beat San Antonio tonight so we can have the pleasure and nostalagia of watching a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals like those of the late 80s because that's when basketball was actually fun to watch.
The more Texas teams lose, the happier I am,
Cole

Dear Detroit Shock,
What do I have to do to get a press pass? It's not like there's a line for them or any real journalistic guidelines a person would have to follow in order to obtain a press pass. Does that press pass include free beer and hot dogs? Any publicity is good publicity for you. Tell you what, you get me a press pass and I will bring like ten people with me as paying customers. That would double your attendance!!
I'll even swear you're still relevant!
Cole

Dear NASCAR,
I love you, I'm not afraid to say it. I am a huge NASCAR fan, well not huge to the point where I'm flying Kyle Busch flags in my front yard but I'm a big fan. That being said, if you ever televise a burnout contest on SPEED or any other network as an effort to have some sort of all star skills challenge, I will never, ever watch you or any other car race again.
I'm serious this time,
Cole

Dear Skoal,
I signed up for your online club expecting free chew, you instead sent me a shitty outdoors magazine laden with coupons for 4 dollars off of 5 tins and ads talking about how awesome Skoal is. Next time just send me a tin of some crazy kind of experimental chew like banana or coconut or banana-coconut pouches. Make the five minutes I took to sign up for your club instead of doing homework worth my while would ya?
I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!
Cole
(Yes, that was a Brokeback Mountain reference and no I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that)

Dear Jackson Harness Raceway,
When you say it's dollar night at the track featuring dollar beers, you might want to open a few more beer stands. The more beer people drink, the more they will inevitably gamble in order to win more money for beer. It's science. Any time you say, "Dollar Beers," in Jackson County, you have to kind of expect that you're going to get a lot of thirsty borderline alcoholics so making more beer available will help your revenue ten fold. And don't worry about the drunk driving after the races either, that problem will just randomly work itself out.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole


No Live(ish) Blog tonight for the Wings game as I will be playing Co-ed slowpitch softball in Chelsea with Team McCalla Feeds and then watching the game at the Wolverine because it's the official post game watering hole of the McCalla Feeds Slow Pitch Softball Team. McCalla Feeds Softball Fever!! Catch it!!

Well THAT Was Ill-Advised

Ok so maybe that Live(ish) blog wasn't the best idea last night. Sometimes you have to just stick with what works. It was like drawing up an elaborate trick play that looked great on paper, but resulted in a game ending turnover when ran in real life. That and I had no idea Dave would be so lame in such an environment.

That being said, I'm sorry and I'll never do it again I promise.

Looking back at the game though, the Stars came out with more intensity than they have through the first three games. Basically, they played like a team facing elimination which is funny because they ARE a team facing elimination. The disallowed goal on the phantom goaltender interference changed the entire face of the game and the official on the call should be suspended for such a lame attempt at a make up call from three games ago. I have no problem with Homer's goal in game one being disallowed because let's face it, he was sitting in Turco's lap and I mean that quite literally. You could sense the wind being sucked out of the sails on the Red Wings bench when that goal was waved off. Late in the game the Wings couldn't capitalize on their chances and Dallas sent the series into a fifth game. Friday night should be a game that rivals any other in the playoffs to date. Ozzie got that first loss out of the way so he should be relaxed and refocused and back to his "Standing on his head" ways. Mule might be back in the lineup but I still haven't heard for sure. He's got to be chomping at the bit by now to get back on the ice, crack some heads open, and maybe dump a couple goals in, in the process.

In other news...
The Tigers lost again to the Royals which kind of made the throw up in my mouth a little bit. Verlander pitched very well last night, as did Robertson on Tuesday night but for some reason, Royals pitching simply owns the Tigers this year. Both pitchers pitched well enough for wins but when you have scored two runs in two games, you're simply not going to win a lot of games. The good news is, the Tigers are still well within range of making a run at the division. They are 8 games under .500 but only 5 games back of the division leading Indians. The AL is a funny beast this year. The Devil Rays, or as they are now referred to as simply the Rays (rays of sunshine apparently) are in uncharted waters for right now at the top of the AL East with a half game lead on the Red Sox. No surprises in the West as the Angels have a half game lead over the A's. It's early in the year and I'm sure some teams will peter out and others will rely on a Colorado esque resurgence in the second half of the season to surge them into the playoffs (and yes, I'm talking about the Tigers right now).

The Pistons closed out their series with the Magic Tuesday night as pretty much expected. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the Pistons and the way the Celtics are playing on the road at least, I think they could maybe, possibly steal the series by playing well at home but playing amazingly well on the road in Boston for just one night could vault them into the NBA Finals where they would eventually lose in six games against whomever they play against for another silver medal in the Association. Of course, they have to get past the Celtics or Cavs first, which is entirely possible, but not exactly probable.

Blogging will be a challenge for the next couple of weeks as the cable and internet at the Ballard Street Shithole is going to be shut off today at some point. Apparently the roommate in charge of that bill has decided to cancel the rest of the subscription because we're moving out soon and the new billing cycle started today instead of riding it out when we move in a couple of weeks which is totally understandable. Deadliest Catch is my favorite show too but it's all good.

I'll find a way to make it work. It's just what I do. Perhaps some random silliness later on tonight.

Sigh...Go Pistons

(Power to the People day is canceled due to lack of response. Lazy bastards)
I'm a beaten, broken man now. I got home from class and flipped on ESPN really quick where they were playing Classic NBA Finals recaps and sure enough...1989-1990. Back to Back Motor City Bad Boys Champions.

This post is dedicated solely to the Detroit Pistons and the NBA.

I love the Detroit Pistons. As much as I hate on them, I really do love them. Not as much as I did back in my Ben Wallace 'fro wearing in Indianapolis with the Pistons flag as a cape and old school Detroit Pistons logo t-shirt days (there are pictures out there somewhere, let's try to keep those under wraps and you know who I'm talking to Jerm, Dave, Tom, RJ, Twatty) but I still consider myself a big Pistons fan.

Watching that old school footage of the glory days of Rodman, Salley, Vinnie "the Microwave" Johnson, Joe D, Zeke, Laimbeer, and Mahorn was just what I needed to get myself fired up about the 'Stones again. And for the record, those teams had the coolest warm ups I've ever seen. They looked like a bunch of janitors with their first names on their chests as they were warming up. Straight up classic. They were the original blue collar basketball team. They showed up, worked their asses off, and won championships. Those Piston teams weren't not at all afraid of putting someone like Jordan or James Worthy right on the ground without any fear of punishment or suspensions and if they did get suspended, they didn't care, there was some other goon who could come in off the bench and do exactly the same thing. Now THAT was Detroit Basketball.

The closest thing to those days was the championship team in 2004. Ben Wallace was the Laimbeer of the group. The gritty player who scrapped around for rebounds and was an absolute intimidating force on defense. Sheed was the young, pre hair dye Dennis Rodman of the group, another solid rebounder and defender (remember the "No Fly Zone?") but was able to hit a shot or two in clutch situations to nail the coffin closed on teams. Chauncey was clearly Isiah Thomas and made a career out of setting up Rip Hamilton who was that team's Joe Dumars but with more mobility. Tayshaun Prince was Vinnie Johnson for his just overall unnoticed clutch play in those playoffs (Reggie with the layup, nope, it's blocked have a nice off season). That team played harder and hungrier than any Pistons team since. This team this year doesn't have the "look" of a team that is going to win a championship just yet.

When you step back and look at this team today, it is missing the one cog that made it special in 2004. Ben Wallace. Ben Wallace was the straw that stirred the drink on that 2004 team and although I wish I could say I can never forgive him for leaving Detroit, I do understand. Detroit was in no way ready to pay Ben the money needed to keep him in the Blue and Red and he bolted to Chicago for an absurd amount of money. The kind of money you pay a player who can do everything. But let's be honest, Ben Wallace was a two trick pony. He played defense and rebounded. That's it. He wasn't a scorer, he couldn't shoot free throws to save his life, and any time he put the ball on the floor the Palace held it's collective breath waiting for him to dribble off his foot like a 4th grader on a playground. I don't blame Ben for leaving though, there comes a time in every player's career that he simply has to go out and get paid and that is very understandable. For the sake of the Pistons though, it sure would be nice to still have him playing at the Palace. Jason Maxiel is a Wallace type player but with the ability to score, but he's still not the afro wearing menace in the paint that we as Pistons fans all hope he will eventually be. But the clock is ticking.

Let's be honest with each other here. Time is running out in Auburn Hills. Rip, Sheed, and Chauncey aren't exactly young anymore and Antonio McDyess is currently being held together with athletic tape. Tayshaun, Stuckey, and Maxiel are the future of the Pistons and as of yet, they aren't championship caliber players. They are all great in support roles, but I don't see them as having the ability to carry a franchise to a championship in any league. Which leads me to my next point...

Darko. The Sam Bowie of the 2003 draft. I said at the time that Darko was a great pick with nothing but upside since he was only 17 when the Pistons drafted him second overall. Instead of trading down like they should have done in retrospect, they pulled the trigger and took a gamble on the youngster from Serbia and Montenegro. It's not gambling if you can't lose and I know that. Trading down however could have landed the Pistons any of the following very solid players: Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Josh Howard, Chris Kaman, Boris Diaw, or even Luke Walton. Any of those players would be great to have right now. Or maybe the potential of getting a 2004 first rounder for the 2003 pick which could have resulted in Dwight Howard, Emeka Okafor, Jameer Nelson, Luol Deng, or even Andre Iguodala. But of course, that point is now moot. Dumars did what he thought was the best thing for the franchise at the time and picked a kid who could develop into a great player. Instead, we got the human victory cigar.

There is one person though whom I would like to throw some blame at before I am done here. David Stern. David Stern changed the rules of the game to prevent solid defense and encourage scoring. I understand that most fans want to see 120-115 games. High scoring, back and forth affairs are more fun to watch for most people. Not Pistons fans. It is amazing to me that the Pistons have kept winning since 2004 and the rule changes that came into effect. The rule changes rendered Ben Wallace essentially obsolete. The days of intimidating defense were over and those days ushered in fast paced run around with your hair on fire and throw a up a random shot and hope for the best league that we see now. It has done nothing less that individualize basketball. It has taken a great team game and set it aside to make it a game centered around individual talent. Whatever team has the best player, the player that can take over a game, should always win. It is a vastly different league now than it was even in the Jordan domination days. Michael Jordan was a dominant player, but he was surrounded by players the likes of Scottie Pippen and Tony Kucoc who could also take over a game if need be. It was still a team game back then. Now it's just "get the ball to Kobe" or "get the ball to Lebron." The best teams in the league are the ones who can still get everyone involved such as the Celtics, Pistons, Spurs, and the Jazz. In fact, those are the four teams who I say will eventually advance into the next round of play. Basketball is a team game. It's time the NBA recognized that again and went back to its roots.

Oh and one quick shout out and good luck wish to the Grass Lake Warriors baseball team coached by my dear friend Ben Hamilton. The Warriors are 20-2 and could potentially seal up their first Cascades Conference title in 15 years against Manchester on Thursday. Go fetch us a championship boys!!