Letters....To Santa

Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really shitty awesome Christmas present from Santa Claus like socks or ugly clothes, or last years Madden because it was cheaper? Of course you did, hell we all did (expect for my Jewish readers who got to play dreidel drinking games all night before Moses came and blew out the candles, that's how Hanukkah works right?). Have you ever wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him how much of an asshole he was for giving you shitty presents? These are those.

Dear Santa,
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.

You Suck!
Cole

Dear Santa,
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league.  Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?

Regards,
Joe Dumars

Dear Santa,
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!

Go Irish!
BK

Dear Santa,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!

Rich Rodriguez

Dear Santa,
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.

Miguel Cabrera

Dear Satan,
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.

JG

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.

Mike Babcock

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.

Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.

The City of Detroit

Dear Santa,
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.

America

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.

*UPDATE*   I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Big Things Poppin

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...

Quick News

First of all...remember what I said about Brandon Lyon? Yep, he's still my least favorite Tiger since Bobby "F.U. Pay Me" Higginson. Time to release Brandon Lyon. He's just more proof that anything that sounds like "Lions" cannot be successful in Detroit.

In other news...I've finally caved and joined up with Twitter on a trial basis. If I find it annoying after a couple weeks (which is likely) then I'll probably delete the account but that's neither here nor there. You can read random nonsense about my day to day ridiculousness by clicking on the "Cole's Twitter" link over there to the right or you can just type in twitter.com/anthony_cole. Some of them will be funny because, when you look at my life, how can you really not laugh. Personally, I blame insomnia for the Twitter.

GAME SEVEN TOMORROW!
And of course, I have a class that I cannot miss from 5:30-8:40. It's ok though, it's Intro to Film Appreciation (yeah, you read it right) and while we're watching the movie in the class, I will be listening to 97.1 The Ticket to get my Wings fix. While we're talking Wings, I'm going to give a bold prediction...Pavel Datsyuk will score at least one goal tomorrow.

SCREW YOU GORDON BOMBAY!!!

Go Wings!

Dad Cussed Me Out About Not Blogging

That is probably the greatest headline for any of the 104 (well, 105 after this one) blog posts I've ever thrown up there.

Anyways, I'm back from my mental health hiatus and back to the blogger screen. And the dozen or so people who are fans of this blog rejoice with a stifled yawn.

A lot has happened since the last post so here is a quick rundown...

The Tigers are 3 games back of the Royals (the Royals??) in the division. I went to last Saturday's game against Cleveland (which does not rock) with the roommates with seats that were entirely too good for slaps like us, courtesy of middle brother's girlfriend's dad which is nice. One thing I have to mention is this...am I the only person who still hates Cleveland and people who root for Cleveland? I'm disappointed in the lack of participation in "Cleveland Sucks!" chants after the game. I thought Detroit fans were a little bit meaner than that. It was fun though if I can remember right.

The Wings tied up the series against the Ducks last night with a 6-3 win. Hossa decided to play and netted two goals for the Winged Wheel and that guy called Mule had a nice three point night as well. It seems as if the Wings have finally figured out how to effectively play Anaheim by not sinking to their level and playing actual skilled hockey, which Anaheim is clearly unable to play because they're just a bunch of freakin goons. Usually I love me some goonery but the first three games of this series just really pissed me off. Scrums after every whistle, cheap shots (Mike Brown's cheap shot elbow to Hudler's head for example), and just general dumbassery by Gordon Bombay's Ducks. It was refreshing to see some actual hockey last night.

Z mentioned to me the need for an anti-Brett Favre post. I agree with Z. This Favre nonsense has to stop and it has to stop now! Now, ESPN, I realize it is a slow-ish time in the sports world but to have the always borderline hot Rachel Nichols camping out outside Favre's plantation in Mississippi is the definition of media overkill. Now, let's say Favre does in fact come out of retirement. All this means is another mediocre season for whatever team signs him. As much as I love watching Brett Favre play football, I have to admit his time is up. Brett Favre has no business being an NFL quarterback anymore. It's time for him to hang it up and ride off into the ever fading sunset. And it's time for ESPN to stop reporting on how many times Brett Favre wiped his ass that day, and maybe I dunno, talk about hockey more.

Speaking of hockey. Alexander Ovechkin is far and away my favorite non Red Wing player in the NHL. Watch this video, you'll understand.


One thing I haven't mentioned at all is the NFL Draft. It's been a while but here's what I think about it. The Lions did not screw up the draft nearly as bad as I thought they would. Granted, the Stafford pick will most likely go down as one of the worst picks in NFL history, ranking up there with Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Joey Harrington, and Ryan Leaf. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not. With everyone clamoring for Rey Maulauga or however you spell it with the pick at #20, the Lions surprised everyone and went with Brandon Pettigrew the TE out of Okie State. Personally, I really liked the pick even though an offensive lineman would have probably been the better pick here but in all reality, Pettigrew is an absolute stud and will be a very good NFL tight end. The pick that shocked me even more was the choice of Louis Delmas from Western. I didn't realize he was so highly rated. I watched the kid play throughout his time at WMU and I figured he was a decent player but never thought he was a second round pick. For the sake of the Mid-American Conference, I am really rooting for Delmas to be an absolute badass the likes of Bob Sanders just to show everyone in the country that the MAC is a hell of a conference with some really good football players. Like I said, the Lions didn't do nearly as bad as I thought they would in the 2009 draft but nobody will ever truly know how good or bad this draft class was until about 2012 when the Lions win the Super Bowl, I graduate from college, and the world comes to an end.

In other news that ESPN is really dead horsing, Manny Ramierez got busted for the juice and will have to sit out the next 50 games. Is it just me or does every Scott Boras client abuse the juice? Speaking of Scott Boras juicers, DoucheTard A-Rod is almost ready to come back to the Yanks. I have no opinion other than A-Rod sucks.

Ok, that's it for me. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert. Oh, and we are now taking suggestions for the next Official Hot Chick of TJS. Nominate your hot chicks by commenting and then we'll vote on them.
Good to be back.

Red Wings LiveBlog!

Mobile Posting Yo!

I found out I could text in a post to blogger and they'll post is for me. I'm kinda fired up about this. No pictures is a bummer but whatever. I went with mom and pop on a road trip to Kansas city this weekend to watch lil bros spring game at Avila university. It was raining kinda hard so the coach there cancelled the game. An hour later it was 72 and sunny. Fail. Anyways, the wings are up 2-0 in their series with the BJs. Ozzie and the Wings blanked the BJs 4-0 last night and the series heads to Columbus Tuesday. I would love to liveblog it but I have too much homework to get done for my finals on Tuesday. 10 page rhetorical criticism of GW Bush's speech after 9/11. Should be fun. Is it just me or does it really appear that the Wings are playing extremely well to start this playoff run? Ozzie's play has been just one big FU to everyone who doubted him and i love it! How bout the pistons letting Bron Bron run wild for 38 last night? C'mon guys, at least ACT like you give a rat's ass. The Tigers won last night behind a great performance by Jackson. He's proving to be quite the pickup. Currently im in the backseat of the parent's impala with lil brother's dog Axle. It's raining and we just passed the sign for William Stratton state park on I-80 in Illinois. I'm expecting about 5 more hours until we get back to Grass Lake. Awesome.

It's 180 miles to Chicago. We've got half a tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. HIT IT!

RED WINGS LIVE BLOG

It's About That Time Eh?

Tonight starts the opening round of the NHL playoffs. In case you don't read the paper or have a TV set or live in Arizona, the Wings drew the Columbus Blue Jackets for the first round.

Due to the fact that it is the playoffs and I am one of the most overly superstitious people on the planet. I will not predict who will win any series in the Western Conference because only one team matters to me and I could not in any way be objective. But as for the Eastern Conference matchups...

#1 Boston vs. #8 Montreal - An Original Six matchup in the first round features two teams that hate each other more than Texans hate people who read above a 5th grade level. It's that hatred that will force this series to see at least 6 games with Boston eventually moving on.

#2 Washington vs. #7 New York Rangers - Although a playoff season full of Sean Avery (who is back with the Rangers) would be very entertaining to me, I have to say Washington moves on seeing no more than 5 games. Washington and Ovechkin are simple too good. Hilarious preview of this series here.

#3 New Jersey vs. #6 Carolina - Carolina has been playing great hockey as of late and still have quite a few remnants of the team that won the Stanley Cup a few years ago. New Jersey has Jesus Brodeur in net. Carolina in 7?

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #5 Philadelphia - BATTLE OF THE KEYSTONE STATE!! I want to say Philly wins this series but c'mon, the fix is already in. There is no way Gary Bettman and his cronies allow the Penguins to get beat in the first round. Pens in 5 because Sidney Crosby is still considered Hockey Jesus.

And there are my round one predictions for the Eastern Conference. My heart says Boston will win the East but my head keeps telling me it's going to be Washington. I'm saying this and sticking with my guns, Boston wins the Prince of Wales trophy and plays some team from the Western Conference for the Stanley Cup.

As for the Western Conference Matchups...without predictions.
#1 San Jose vs. #8 Anaheim - A great rivalry that should be fun to watch. Don't Sharks eat Ducks?

#2 Detroit vs. #7 Columbus - Blue Jackets first trip to the post season in franchise history...more on this later.

#3 Vancouver vs. #6 St. Louis - The Blues have been the hottest team in hockey since the All-Star break. It'd be nice to see them move on. Vancouver still has Luongo and the Sedin twins.

#4 Chicago vs. #5 Calgary - Chicago is going to be the next big thing in the NHL next season. Calgary has a ton of former Michigan players. When in doubt you go with the team with the most Red Berenson guys. That being said...Chicago is 4-0 against the Flames this season. I'm just saying.

Without jinxing anything, one of the above teams will win the West and take on a team from the East (Boston) for the Stanley Cup Finals.

Ok moving on...

The Columbus Blue Jackets? I remember when the NHL announced that Columbus was getting a team. It blew my mind. Of all the large cities in Ohio...they figured the best place to drop an expansion team was F-ing Columbus? Not Cleveland or Cincinnati? I figured it would never work.

I was wrong. The Blue Jackets (who from now on will be refered to as the BJs because typing out Blue Jackets is annoying and yes for the sexual connotation. They are an Ohio team, I do not like them) have a rabid fan base and a Civil War cannon they like to shoot off after goals in their building. Playing in Columbus is typically not a treat but throw in the fact that it's the BJs first trip to the post season, things could get pretty rowdy and the place could be tough to play in.

Keys to winning this first round matchup are brought to you by the letters, N, M, T, U, and O

N is for Nash - Rick Nash is a young and underrated superstar in the NHL. Nash scored 40 goals this season (5th in the league) and handed out 39 assists for 79 points. Nash has been a Red Wing killer throughout his career. This season in 6 games against the Wings he has 6 goals including two short handers in the same game. In 38 career games vs. Detroit, Nash has 37 points. The guy can straight up play hockey and stopping him is the key to winning the first round series.

M is for Mason - Steve Mason is a 20 year old goaltender from Oakwood, Ontario. Drafted in 2006 by Columbus, Mason is going to be the next great netminder in the NHL. In 61 games this season, Mason has a 33-20-7 record with the league's second best GAA at 2.29. The kid is a shoe in for the Calder Trophy (rookie of the year). Just like I harped on all last year throughout the playoffs, the best way to beat a goalie is to get a lot of traffic in front and pepper him with shots from all over the place. Mason takes up a lot of the goal with his 6'4 frame but he's still very young and has never played in a playoff game in the NHL.

T is for Tyutin - Fedor Tyutin is the BJs best blueliner. Another young and talented player, the 25 year old Tyutin has developed into a fundamentally sound player instead of the human cannonball he was while with the Rangers. 9 goals and 25 helpers give Tyutin 34 points with a +/- of +1. That plus/minus stat is intruiging because Tyutin played in all 82 games this season, you would think it would be a little higher for a player of his caliber. Tyutin had 81 penalty minutes this season. A career high which means get him agitated and he'll do something stupid and the Wings will go on the power play.

U is for Umberger - RJ Umberger was a star at THE Ohio State University back in the early 2000s. Yet another relatively young player at 26 years old. Umberger was great for the Flyers playoff run back in 2007 with 15 points in 17 games. This season, Umberger registered 26 goals and 20 assists for 46 points with a +/- of -10. Yikes, a -10 while playing all 82 games. This is good for the Wings, when you see Umberger on the ice...start shooting. It will go in.

O is for the state of Ohio - For those of you that failed geography or have never looked at a map, Ohio is the state directly south of Michigan that isn't Indiana. Ohio is generally viewed as the worst state in the union. Ohio smells like fecal matter. Ohio cops are dicks that will pull you over for sneezing. People from Ohio are usually uneducated douchebags. In Ohio, it is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Ohio is home to Cleveland, Cleveland set a river on fire. Columbus is the capital of Ohio, therefore, since Ohio sucks, Columbus and all of her residents also suck. Columbus is a whore. OHIO SUCKS!!

That being said, hopefully you're now ready to be a borderline educated fan for this first round of the NHL playoffs. All games in this series are on Fox Sports Detroit and start at 7 except on Saturday when it inexplicably starts at 6.

IT'S PLAYOFF TIME!!! Red Wings Live Blog tomorrow night with Otter and a Hot and Ready pizza. If Otter will talk to me that is.

Oh and on a side note...Galarraga pitched an absolute GEM today against the Pale Hosers from Chicago. Tigers win 9-0. Boo-Yah!

Random Acts of Randomness

Apparently Allen Iverson wasn't a good idea at all. Reports are saying he's been essentially banned from the Pistons and, as heard on 97.1 this morning, he's been banned from two of the three downtown casinos. Um, wow.

Unfortunately, the Pistons made the playoffs as the 8th seeded team in the Eastern Conference and will play Cleveland in the first round. This is really a win-win for me because if they win this series it gives Ohio a big FU and if they lose, I don't have to watch, talk, or write about them anymore until they screw up on draft day or fire Michael Curry...whichever happens first (I'm guessing Curry).

Speaking of Pistons, I heard today that Isiah Thomas just took the head coaching job at Florida International University...that's all I have to say about that. It still amazes me how far the Pistons have fallen this season and I'm not sure who to blame. I'm trying not to blame Joe D but...it's hard not to.

Let's talk Lions...no, no let's not. (Mock Draft is soon approaching)

The Tigers are now 4-4 on the year but that's not anything worth talking about. Mark "The Bird" Fidrych passed away on his farm in Massachusetts while fixing a truck. The Bird has long been considered one of the most intruiging men to ever play the game of baseball. I of course never saw him pitch, but I do remember my dad talking fondly of him. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about Mark Fidrych. He was 54. (More on Fidrych from people who actually know what they're talking about here, here, here, here, and here)

On a lighter note, the Tigers play today at 1 against the absolutely hated almost as much as the Tribe, White Sox. Zach Miner got roughed up for 8 runs over 3 1/3 innings. That's just not gonna cut it and I would like to lead the charge to bring Nate Robertson back into the rotation. I mean, it would be good to have a lefty in the rotation right? Maybe? That's just me and what do I know right? Porcello gets the ball today for the Tigers. I have a bet with a buddy of mine that Rick Porcello will win 15 games this season in the Major Leagues...today would be a good day to notch that first one against the hated Palehosers from the Windy City.

The NHL Playoffs start in Detroit on Thursday at 7. The Wings ended up as the #2 seed in the West and will square off with Columbus (yes, Ohio has hockey) in the first round. Full preview of the first round will happen either later tonight or tomorrow. Personally...I like our chances.

I hate the April in the D song more than I hate cancer. I wish I was joking. It's awful and those in charge of it should be fired.

News and Notes and Stuff

Porcello is in the rotation, Perry is in the bullpen, and Thames is the DH.

So is this some kind of April Fool's joke on me or something? Everything I wanted the Tigers to do, they did? I like it!

So according to the Freep and the Detroit News and the Tigers' website the Tigers have one more cut to make having to choose between Brent Clevlen and Jeff Larish. Early reports say it will be Larish to take the final roster spot. The only problem I have with this is the fact that Clevlen is out of minor league options and would have to clear waivers for the Tigers to keep him in Toledo and I don't think a player with his potential would clear waivers. The Tigers will most likely try to trade Clevlen before having to lose him to the waiver wire. It's kind of sad but that's how baseball works.

The Free Press reported that the starting rotation will be Verlander, Jackson, Galarraga, Miner, and Porcello (who will most likely be the Comerica Park opening day starter which is kind of bad ass). Robertson, and Seay will be the lefties out of the bullpen with Rincon, Perry, F-ing Rodney, Lyon, and Bonine rounding out the pitching staff. When/if Bonderman gets healthy again and can be effective, this will send Miner back to the pen and could possibly mean Perry goes to Toledo or Erie unless he comes out next week throwing gas and getting outs. The same can be said for Zumaya but, as much as I hate to say this, I'm close to giving up on him. I hope he proves me wrong and can do what he did in 2006 but only time will tell.

The 2009 season starts on Monday at 7:15 in Toronto. Live-ish blog will most likely be happening.

Now for something completely different...

The Pistons are in 7th place in the Eastern Conference. They are two games ahead of 9th place Charlotte. This means I am now a Charlotte Bobcats fan for the rest of the season. I want the Pistons to miss the playoffs, get in the lottery and draft someone useful for next year. Iverson is back and two games after his layoff he's bitching about not playing enough. Joe Dumars...you have failed us as fans and driven the current day Pistons back into the Teal Era Pistons and I am no longer a fan of your team. The hell with it, BRING BACK THE TEAL!!! I'm done with the Detroit Pistons and the NBA as a whole. GO BOBCATS!

Other than Opening Day being 5 days away, the only thing that brings a smile to my face is the Wings. With six games left in the regular season, the Wings have second place in the West locked up and are four points back from San Jose for the President's Cup (awarded to the team with the most points in the regular season and usually a playoff curse). If the season ended today, the Wings would be the second seed in the playoffs and would take on Anahiem in the first round. A matchup that makes me nervous yet confident. It's almost time to grow that playoff beard again!

Oh, and the Lions still suck and will most likely draft Joey Harrington, I mean Matt Stafford with the first pick of the draft. Just what we need, another quarterback that will continue to lead the Lions down the path of ultimate disappointment.

Remember Michigan fans, if you aren't rooting for State this weekend in the Final Four, you're an asshole!
Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Coug-tastic!

I know this is a few days old but the #9 seeded Michigan State Women's Basketball team beat Duke, a #1 seed on the Breslin Center floor. How did State get a home game as a #9 seed? Hell if I know, that's how the women's game is played apparently. Bonus points for the NCAA for allowing this to happen, knowing full well that Duke's coach left Sparty for more money and that the Breslin Center fans would of course boo her ass off. Suzy Merchant coached for a few years at Eastern Michigan and did a hell of a job which earned her the job at State when McCallie left. Playing a home game in the tourney against the number one seed aside, State made a hell of a hire.

In other news, the Lions have a new logo. It's pathetic. Other views available here. Leave it to the Lions to even screw this up. Granted, after going 0-16 they needed to do some re-branding but this is not exactly what I had in mind. I mean, it's the same logo with some white skid-marks on it. What the hell??? If you're gonna change the logo...CHANGE THE DAMN LOGO! Never ceases to amaze me as to how incapable this organization is to succeed.

Oh and the Pistons have lost 7 of 10. Yep, game over.

Oh and the Wings have won 4 of their last 5 and are tied with San Jose for the best record in the league. Boo-Yah!

The Chronicles of Wayne Smith

There ya go Wayne. You're mentioned in the blog.

Hi! Hello, and how are you? So the laptop I had was reclaimed by its rightful owner and the computer labs on campus aren't exactly condusive for creativity but whatever. I'll find a way to get this shit going again.

So I'm watching SportsCenter this morning and then switched it to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 which was followed by Cold Pizza, I mean First Take. It was at that point that I realized something very profound...

ESPN SUCKS!!!

Yeah, I said it. It goes against all I believe in but damnit, ESPN's morning programming has turned into an absolute abomination. What's wrong with it? Well I could just say it sucks but that doesn't quite do it justice.

The SportsCenter LIVE experiment is an absolute failure if you ask me. Hanna Storm and the other guy are just terrible together. I would much rather just watch the previous night's SportsCenter on repeat all morning instead of listening to two mono toned slaps read the same highlights over and over. And it seems sometimes that they have no understanding of how the game on the highlight actually works. They spend the entire morning blowing Lebron and Kobe and the Celtics and then a hockey highlight will sneak in there and they absolutely butcher it. I hate to tell you folks...but hockey is passing the Association in the ratings. Maybe Hanna and Doucher should read up on it a little bit. And don't get me started on ESPN's coverage of college hoops. You talk about overkill...holy shit. It's on EVERY DAMN NIGHT!! I know it's winter and ESPN doesn't have an NHL contract but holy Christ...a guy can only watch Duke play and then listen to the talking heads talk about it for so long before he wants to blow his brains out. There is literally nothing good I can say about SportsCenter LIVE. It's horrible. Just horrible.

Equally as bad yet mildly more entertaining is Mike and Mike in the Morning. Now, I have to tell you that yes, I do occasionally like to listen to this show when I'm getting ready in the morning. However, I've noticed that MAMITM is nothing more than a low calorie version of SportsCenter with very mildly entertaining interviews thrown in. The only time it's watchable is when Golic is hungover and is tired of listening to Greenie's whining about God knows what.

Cold Pizza, or First Take as it's now known, is just shitty. It was ok as Cold Pizza but they found a way to make it nearly unwatchable. I have to say, when the annoying old dude and the Jemele Smith get on there to debate topics, it makes me wonder if Smith has even participated or even watched an actual athletic competition. It's a joke and ESPN needs to realize this and do something about it. The only way to fix it is to get Erin Andrews or someone of equal or greater hotness to be on the show every morning. Now THAT is something I'd wake up to.

And when you think about it, is there a better actual talent in the ESPN stable of reporters than Erin Andrews? Take away the rediculously hot factor and you STILL have a GREAT reporter who asks the right questions to the right people every time. She could save ESPN's morning programming. I'd much rather watch that than turn on a college basketball game and hope she might interview somebody.

So that's what I think about ESPN. They are too basketball heavy and they are constantly looking to cause some sort of controversy with their reporting. Like the reports today that the Texans were having contact drills during a mini camp last year. FOOTBALL IS A CONTACT SPORT YOU DIPSHITS! So what if it's in the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA? First of all, it was a pass rush/pass pro drill...ummm how can you NOT come into contact when you're doing that? Isn't that the point of pass pro? To get hands on and try to defeat or complete a block on the opposing player? There is no need to stir up controversey about that. If the players were that concerned with it, they would have sat out of the drill. And what kind of player would you be if you sat out a drill in mini camp because you thought it was too much contact? You wouldn't be in the league very long. ESPN needs to quit raking the muck and start reporting on actual sports news.

That being said, National Letter of Intent day was Wednesday and apparently everyone did very well. Which leads me to my next gripe...RIVALS recruiting service. Rivals makes its money off of kids who pay them to promote them. They send film and are assigned a ranking of 5-0 stars. Jimmy Claussen was a 5 star recruit out of high school. How's he doing? Exactly. On the other hand, Mike Hart who holds every rushing record at Michigan was a three star guy. Other three stars or lower were Pat White and Steve Slaton. Yeah, they turned out ok didn't they? Rivals pumps these kids up to be superstars before they even take a collegiate snap and that is unfair to all parties involved. Then you take ESPN and their signing day coverage and you create an absolute mess for these kids. Yeah, I'm sure the attention is cool and all but what if they don't win the Heisman? Are they failures as players if they don't dominate at the collegeiate level right after high school? Some idiots think so. I don't. They're just kids, they don't need all this attention. It's ruining college sports.

I'm going to talk very briefly about the Pistons...they suck. I don't watch the games but when I see the highlights or read about it in the papers (the online papers)I can't help but long for the good old days when the Pistons were, "Going To Work" but now they can see a teammate get raped by a goon from Boston and not even bat an eye about it. You try to do that with Mahorn, Rodman, Laimbeer or even Ben Wallace on the floor...you're gonna be missing some teeth if you pull a stunt like that. This team has no fight left in it. Sheed is a joke, the AI experiment has failed and Rip isn't at all what he used to be. They don't play defense anymore and they rank in the bottom five of the league in every offensive category. Something must be done. But at the same time, I hate to say I told you so. When they traded Chauncey away, the traded the heart and soul of the team with it. Now you have five individuals out there who don't give a shit anymore. It's sad when you think about it. It was 5 years ago that they were the second coming of the Bad Boys. Now they're just bad.

The Wings aren't fairing very well either. I was listening to 97.1 the other day and people were saying that Ozzie's time is up and they need to either trade for a goalie to take them to the Cup or let Conklin take over. I'm not opposed to letting Conklin get a few more starts here and there but you have to remember, Ozzie has won the Wings two cups and has been historically stellar in the playoffs. Sure, his numbers aren't very good right now but that can be attributed to the guys playing in front of him. If the blue liners aren't stopping the attack and leaving Ozzie out to dry every night, you're not going to be very successful. I have all the confidence in the world that they will turn it around here soon. Remember, about this time last year they went and lost like 9 games or so in a row, I'm not too worried about it just yet. Everything will fall into place and Kenny Holland will do what's best for the team.

The Tigers avoided arbitration by signing Verlander to a one year deal. If he doesn't bounce back, he won't be a Tiger in 2010, you can be sure of that. Oh and here's a radical idea...Manny is still available...why not take a shot at him right? Guy hits .350 with 120 RBI a season...I'll take the antics for a season of that. But that's just me talkin and I know it won't happen nor to I truly want it to.

The Lions...well...let's not talk about the Lions.

I hereby pledge to write in this blog at the very least two times a week from here on out. Bear with me and buy some T-Shirts from the store to help me buy a new laptop. Drink Up Bitches! T-shirts are great for St. Patty's day!

Happy Boxing Day Canada!!!

After a long layoff I'm back from up north snowmobiling and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with the family and I hope you did too. Now...what did we miss over the past week?
Before I get started, just a little background music for everyone who was hating on me on the message boards (I read them, I don't post on them, they're terrible for the environment) just click the video and listen to the music as you read.



I'm never one to gloat so I won't gloat about the Ron English hiring at Eastern Michigan which is EXACTLY what that team and university needs. After watching the press conference I am convinced that this is the man for the job and EMU will once again be respectable in the MAC and who knows...they might even mess around and win the damn thing within the next two years. As far as recruiting goes, I feel that even though the previous regime was instructed to NOT recruit (very much) after the firing, the hiring of English is such a high profile one that any real football player who wants to play in the MAC would have to take a step back from their options and take a good long look at EMU again. Recruiting will not take as big of a hit as everyone is thinking and that is a very, very good thing. Oh, and since I was snowed in up north in Mesick, Michigan (the mushroom capitol of the world), I wasn't able to rip off Brian at MGoBlog and post this video after a great hire of a great football coach. I'll go ahead and do that now...

EASTERN HIRES RON ENGLISH!!!


Like I've already said, I'm EXTREMELY fired up about this hire and know that this team in Ypsilanti will be a source of pride for the community again very, VERY soon.

In other news...the Lions are now 0-15 and are a mere 60 football minutes away from being the first 0-16 team in the history of the No Fun Leage, I mean National Football League. Before I get to the Lions and their undying pitifulness, I have to chastise NFL Commish Roger Goodell for being a celebration Nazi. Last Sunday in a snowy game against Arizona, New England Patriots reciever Wes Welker caught a touchdown pass and then made a snow angel in the endzone.




As you saw in the video, it was nothing more than a guy having some fun in the snow after making a great play for a touchdown. By letter of the law, a player cannot go to the ground for a touchdown celebration which is the second biggest crock of shit involved with this incident. The biggest crock of shit and the current front runner for the "Crock of Shit of the Year" award, is the fact that the NFL (No Fun League as mentioned before) fined Welker $10,000 bucks for it. So you fine Wes Welker for making a snow angel and you let the Dallas Cowboys act like a bunch of girls in front of the press like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. Something's not right here, and if I'm Wes Welker, I make a snow angel again next week as an F.U. to Goodell and his celebration Gestapo.

As for the Lions, let's face it, they simply will not win on Sunday in Green Bay. They struggle enough there with a good team let alone with this shitpile they have rolling out every week. The Lions will be 0-16 and will forever be known as the worst team in the history of the NFL.

HOWEVER

I truly believe that Rod Marinelli is NOT THE ONE TO BLAME! It's not his fault at all. Marinelli was handed the keys to another Ford Lemon and he did the best he could do with what he had. It's not like he's Marty Mornenweig choosing to kick off to start overtime in Chicago. Rod Marinelli is simply not the one to blame. Everyone above Rod Marinelli deserves all the blame in the world. And the idea of keeping Matt Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew on as GM next season would be the biggest mistake the Ford's have made since they hired Millen. Why keep on a guy who has the same ideas and concepts as the guy you just fired? Like my old man says, most of the time it's the Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's which is the case in Detroit. The X's and O's are there, they just don't have the Jimmy's and Joe's to play on Sundays which is the main job of the GM and Millen screwed that up and I feel that Mayhew will do the same thing and leave us Lions fans scratching our heads as usual on draft day. Until Ford sells his team or gives control to his son, the Lions will never win. I know it's radical, but firing Rod Marinelli is not going to fix anything and could (somehow) make things worse.

The Pistons...OK, I'm not going to lie to you at all, I've spent exactly two and a half minutes watching the Pistons this season and that was because the Red Wings were on commercial and I hit the wrong button on the remote. That is how much I care about the Pistons. When I watch them, it's typically on accident or it's the playoffs and the Wings are off that night. Call it what you will, I simply cannot stand watching the NBA in fact, I would rather watch grass grow than watch the NBA. I would rather watch drunken clowns make balloon animals than the NBA. I would rather watch soccer, women's college hoops, Alf, reruns of Three's Company, or the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap than watch the NBA. Shit, I'd rather go to class than watch the NBA, and that's really saying something there. Dad just chimed in with a gem, "I'd rather watch heavyweight division beach volleyball than the NBA." Exactly Dad, exactly.

The Wings, well, they're just doing what they do. They're 8-2 and peckerslapped the NHL's best team San Jose last week 6-0, a win that served as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Detroit Red Wings are still the Detroit Red Wings and will kick your ass every night if you don't come to play. Ozzie has been hurt for almost a month now and Ty Conklin has done a tremendous job filling in for him, posting two shutouts and an 11-4 season record with a 2.53 Goals Against Average. Marian Hossa has proved to be the best free agent signing for any team in the offseason as he's leading the Wings in goals at the moment with 17 and is second to Datsyuk in points with 34 (Datsyuk has 37). There is one name on the stat sheet that continues to stand out to me and that name is Jiri Hudler. Hudler is fourth on the team in points behind Datsyuk, Hossa, and Zetterberg which is quite the company to be involved with. Hudler has 13 goals and 15 helpers on the year for a total of 28 but what's most impressive is that he's scored 13 times this year while only taking 66 shots which gives him a very impressive shooting percentage of just under 20% (19.7 to be exact). What does that mean? Well, if Hossa had a 20% shooting percentage, he would have scored 28 goals already instead of just 17. Either way, this is just typical Red Wings, you have your superstars lead the way and then the less noticeable guys follow their lead and play good hockey. Next week on January 1st, the Wings play in Chicago at Wrigley Field in the League's third outdoor game. So far conditions are going to be perfect but to me it doesn't matter because I'm an idiot and waited too long to buy my tickets for it. It's always a battle when these two Original Six teams face off with each other but given the grand stage this game is on, it should be even more intense and fun to watch. I just might watch the hockey game instead of the bowl games that day. We'll see.

As a Boxing Day present, here's Elisha Cuthbert doing what she does.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!!

Oh Canada and General Silliness

The complaints from you my dear readers, have not fallen on deaf ears. New job opportunities and a field trip to Canada are reasons for my lengthy absence and I do apologize even though excuses are like assholes, we've all go them, and they all stink.

What has happened during my slight vacation? Well, the Tigers are back to beating ass the way we all hoped they would have (other than dropping the last two games of the three game set to the Twins), the Wings drafted a goalie who will eventually be the best in the league, and then went out and signed Marian Freakin Hossa on the second day of free agency. The Pistons drafted another Ben Wallace clone in that kid from Indiana and then traded him for some douchebag guy who will probably never see the floor (I only say this because I don't know who the guy is), the Lions are getting ready to open camp and disappoint us all again in the fall, and Michigan unveiled new unis for football which are basically the same but different. Let's go ahead and hit these topics quickly and right down the line shall we?

As of this very second, the Tigers are sitting at 42-42 and are 7 games back of the division leading Pale Hosers from the Windy City. Just like I had previously hoped for, the Tigers won 12 of their 15 interleague games during that two week period which is great news. However, they didn't really gain a whole hell of a lot of ground standings wise which is somewhat disheartening. Good news is they are winning again but the bad news is the Sox are also winning a little too. The season is hardly close to being over and ground could be gained in a four game set with the absolutely awful Mariners this weekend. Three of four would be good but I would really like to see the Tigers take advantage of the M's ineptitude and sweep them in their Starbucks loving city. Friggin hippies. No wonder the Sonics left. In all seriousness though, the Tigers had a great month of June going 19-8 and losing only one series the entire month. I wouldn't have minded a 22-5 but really, you cannot complain with 19 wins in a month. The series in Seattle combined with the 6 game home stand before the All-Star break, is pretty crucial. Ten games from the break, the Tigers need to win at least 6 of these games to complete the first half of the year with any resemblance of success. Usually, any team a game or two above the .500 mark can consider themselves still well within striking distance of the playoffs. Verlander takes the bump tonight, Rogers tomorrow, Galarraga on Saturday and Robertson finishes off the series on Sunday. Could be good...could be bad. Keep the faith Tigers Nation, keep the faith.

Marian Hossa is now a Detroit Red Wing. Let me say that again, Marian Hossa now plays hockey for the Detroit team called the Red Wings. Illitch went into his pockets and signed one of the more underrated and unappreciated players in the game to a one year deal worth upwards of 7.5 million. How does this help the Wings? Hossa is a dynamic goal scorer and outstanding passer as well. He doesn't have the defensive skill set as Datsyuk or Zetterberg but he makes up for his defensive miscues with blazing speed. Hossa scored 43 goals along with 57 assists for 100 points in the 06-07 season, and had 92 points the season before that while playing for Atlanta. This season Hossa scored 66 points while playing for Atlanta and Pittsburgh while missing ten games with an injury. This season in the playoffs, Hossa netted 12 goals and helped on 14 others making him the Penguins second leading scorer in the playoffs behind Hockey Jesus himself, Sidney Crosby. Hossa will be just another weapon in the already outstanding Wings lineup. I would expect him to play on the second line with Franzen and any of the plethora of centermen the Wings have at their disposal. Another option is what I will call the video game option which would put him on the same line as Datsyuk and Zetterberg which would send Holmstrom down to the second line and Franzen to the third. A line featuring Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and Marian Freaking Hossa could possibly be the scariest line hockey has seen since the days of Hanson Brothers for the Charlestown Chiefs.

As for this goalie the Wings drafted...Let's be honest with ourselves here, Ozzie isn't getting any younger. Jimmy Howard will be slated in as Ozzie's backup this season and will see significant ice time. Jimmy is a good young goalie don't get me wrong, but I just for some reason don't see him as the future for the Red Wings. In steps Thomas McCollum. McCollum is said to be the next Ed Belfour. He is 6'2 205 lbs which makes me think he is the next Patrick Roy sans the bat shit crazy. In 51 games this year for the Guelph Storm of the OHL McCollum had a Goals Against Average of 2.05 along with 4 shutouts and a record of 25-17. Not exactly eye popping numbers, but this is what NHL Scout Al Jensen had to say about him:

"Number one attribute is his net position, it's second to none, there are rarely any holes and he has a great butterfly. When he is challenging and at the top of his game he is very tough to beat. He has good net coverage and he is very competitive; capable of making the big saves for his team. He handles the puck well and his play has gotten better over the course of the year by leaps and bounds. He is definitely one of those franchise type of goalies in the future. You can see that his team is very confident in front of him and he can see through screens very well. In saying all of this, I rarely see him out of position."

Needless to say, I can't wait till this kid gets the call from the big club, he could be fun to watch.

That's all for me today, tomorrow is the 4th of July and it would be unpatriotic to not show you this picture as I end the post. I will have something for you on Friday for sure. It's great to be back!

God Bless America!

Perhaps Tonight?

Puck drops in Pittsburgh at about 8:20ish tonight for game 6.
I have no cable or antenna TV.
Son of a bitch.

To kill off the 40 or so minutes we have until the game starts feel free to watch the Brian Bellows video again. Try substituting "Crosby" every time they say "Bellows." It really helps to pass the time. If you're tired of the Brian Bellows video (if you are then you are obviously Mormon) feel free to check out the other two below it which are also repeats from previous posts.







Bring it home tonight boys.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Joe Dumars,

Ok, here is my proposed plan of action. Trade Sheed. Trade Chauncey. Draft somebody good. That's all I really have for you. The free agent market is the worst I've ever seen it so basically all you can do is make some shrewd trades here and there and see if you can't keep the success of your team going. Why trade Sheed? Because he's done. It's as simple as that. Rasheed Wallace is not what he used to be by any stretch of the imagination and he's become not so much a distraction but more along the lines of a waste of space. The only conceivable place you could send Sheed is Charlotte so he can be reunited with Larry Brown. The only problem with that is, there won't be much coming back in return unless Jordan doesn't like Okafor anymore which would be nice. Chauncey on the other hand, I would actually hate to see him go as I have really enjoyed watching him play over the past few years. In my opinion, Rodney Stuckey is ready to take the reins of this team and lead them to the promised land, or at least back to the Eastern Conference Finals which is where Pistons seasons seem to go to die anyway. Congratulations Joe on building a franchise that most cities would be peeing their pants to have, but as for the city of Auburn Hills and her neighbors, it's time to change things up a bit.

Sincerely,

Cole

Dear Readers,
If you had the Stanley Cup for a day, what would you do with it?
Seriously,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Congratulations on climbing out of the AL Central cellar this weekend. You're 6 games back from the White Sox and are still very much in contention after a horrendous April and May. Do everyone a favor now, sweep the A's this week then come back to Detroit and beat the chaw spit out of the Tribe this weekend. It's probably time to go on a nice little winning streak now. Any time you're ready just let us know ok? You're lucky that most everyone in Detroit is watching the Wings right now, otherwise there would be a lot more pissed off Tigers fans out there than just yours truly.
Don't Turn Into The Pistons,
Cole

Dear Jonathan Papelbon and the Dropkick Murphys,
Thank you so much for teaching me this dance so I could properly celebrate the Celtics win over the Pistons Friday night in Ronnie's living room.

Thanks again for helping me piss off my Piston loving friends!
Cole

Dear Sidney Crosby,
"We know what we gotta do. We gotta win to stay alive." No shit Sid? You mean that in a 7 game series, the first team to lose four times is out of the series? That's how that works? Your genius rivals that of Forrest Gump. Do the hockey world a favor too, next year, focus more on playing hockey than bitching about the guys in the other sweaters being actual hockey players.
All the best to your daddy Mario,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
After a while it just stops hurting.
Signed,
The Buffalo Bills

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
Just wanted to say, nice work trying to polish a turd by putting up those little lightpost banners touting the excellence of EMU and EMU Athletics around Ypsilanti. The problem is, you can't polish a turd. It is impossible. If it were possible to polish a turd, I would recommend a few things. First of all, maybe raise the standards of admission just a touch. Eastern Michigan is usually everyone's last choice because let's face it, everyone gets in to Eastern. Hell, I got in so what's that say? It's time to quit acting like a community college with your admissions policies and maybe attract a different type of student. Like the serious-ish type. Another would be to maybe tear down a few buildings or purchase more land (with imaginary money of course) and build some nice new parking lots. I will have to begin driving to class every day and it would be nice if I could find a spot before my class is over this time. You should also consider getting rid of all of your chalkboards. That's right, I said it, EMU still has chalkboards and VCRs on carts that teachers have to sign out to use if they want to show an 1980s era public television show about interracial communication or math. I can handle the VCRs on carts, but the blackboards? I would take a ten cents a credit hour raise in tuition to put whiteboards in every classroom. Not that anyone uses them but still. Another point I would like to raise is to do something, ANYTHING to get students to actually go to football or basketball or baseball or softball games. Make it a tailgate friendly environment over at the Convocation Center (conveniently located about a mile away from campus...brilliant move there late 90s administration). If you tell kids that they can booze and then go to a game with little to no repercussions, people will go. I'm not saying sell beer at the games, just encourage a little binge drinking on Saturday afternoons in Ypsilanti. You know why Western and Central games are well attended? Not because of the quality of teams they throw out there, it's because their students have been drinking all day in anticipation of being drunk and disorderly in the stands for the game. It's the "Win or Lose We're Gonna Booze," mentality that you need. Trust me on this one ok?
I hate your guts and can't wait to leave you,
Cole

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
You are 60 hockey minutes away from hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup. Nothing more needs to be said.
Love,
Cole

On This Date... Nothing Happened

Yesterday, the Detroit sports world stood still and I decided to stand still with it.
Actually, I decided to smoke a cigar Otter (yes, Otter is still alive we just don't have cable or internet in the living room so we can't live blog and we all miss out on his um, witty comments) bought for me a couple weeks ago and enjoy a bottle of rum. It was like I was a living, breathing JoBu (from the Major League movies c'mon people). I received my first purchase order from the Tobacco Juice Store yesterday, which was exciting until I realized that I was the one who bought the shirts. The "Got Swedes?" and "Cleveland Doesn't Rock" shirts came out very nicely and I will be wearing them at every given opportunity. Tagless Fruit of The Loom Shirts are the essence of comfort. I suggest you buy some.

Anyways, on tap for tonight we have the Tigers starting a three game set with the ever so gracious Mariners at 10:10 which is an odd start time even for the West Coast. The Pistons end their good run tonight when they lose to the Celtics in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals on ESPN at 8:30. Also playing tonight is the lookintheattic.com coed slowpitch softball team at 8:20. That is if Mother Nature doesn't piss all over the place as she is expected to do.

On a more serious but not that serious note, what is wrong with the Detroit Pistons? I'm not talking about what is wrong with their play but what is wrong with the attitude surrounding that team? I am not the only person who just doesn't care that much about them anymore. Why do you think that is? I think this is mainly due to the fact that they topped out too soon. They should not have won that championship against the Lakers in 2004. They shouldn't have. That was supposed to be Phil Jackson's 9th title. Shaq and Kobe were supposed to win their what like third in a row or something along those lines? It was supposed to be a sweep of the Pistons in the NBA Finals but instead, as the Free Press called it, it was a "Five Game Sweep," by the Pistons. They've been to the Eastern Conference Finals every year, and the NBA Finals once since then. I would like to think that had the Pistons lost to the Lakers in 2004, things might be very different. Fans would still give a rats ass about them in the Conference Finals every year instead of saying, "Oh the Pistons are on? What round is it? Who are they playing?" Detroit Pistons fans have been spoiled by success. And I am the biggest culprit of that. Many of you have read what I have said about this. How I was a huge fan and would go to Palacevision or see them play in Indy during the playoffs. Now though, I am simply not interested in going. Even if the tickets were free, I would probably say, "Eh, I'm good. I'll just watch the highlights later." If you give me Red Wings tickets I'm going no questions asked. I'll drop everything to go watch them play and not just in the playoffs.

Why would I do this? Because, I am simply tired of the Pistons, their fans, their players, their administration, and their arena. It's all just old news to me now. I remember when they started playing good again after they got rid of the awful teal unis with the flaming horse on the front. It was very exciting. 7 years and one championship later though, the whole idea of the Detroit Pistons is just stale to me. The Red Wings on the other hand are technically in the same boat. Years and years of successful regular season teams has spoiled fans but the playoff flops since 2002, have actually kept them somewhat interested. Which makes this trip to the Stanley Cup Finals even more special for everyone involved.

In Eastern Michigan Hurons news, the baseball team, champions of the MAC tournament, is playing as we speak at Fisher Stadium in Ann Arbor. As of writing this, EMU is leading perrennial power Arizona 6-5 in the bottom of the 6th. This would be an upset the likes of the Earl Boykins led team's upset of top seeded Duke in the NCAA Basketball tournament. However, due to the double elimination format of the NCAA Baseball tourney, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting as sending a top seed home early. It would be nice, but not THAT nice. Hopefully they will be able to pull this one out.

Speaking of baseball, the Grass Lake Warriors open up district tournament play tomorrow afternoon against Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard. This is a match up that I take special interest in as Richard was the team that knocked my junior year baseball team (a great, great team if I do say so myself) on a fluky play in the district finals. Bases were loaded and Mike Masten hit a bullet back to the pitcher who threw his hands up in self defense and randomly caught the ball to end the season. Needless, to say, I would really like to see Hamilton's boys put a whoopin on the whatever the hell they're called from Ann Arbor Richard.

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is on (I hear Erin Andrews is doing the sideline reporting for it, which makes me giggle a bit) and the lone participant from Jackson County was Tristan Schrot from Our Lady of Fatima elementary school in Michigan Center. Tristan did well but missed on his first word on the stage. The word was, "Personalia." He spelled it "persanalia." Which just goes on to prove my theory that private schools are not as good as public schools. Really Tristan? You know there's no A in the word, "person." I don't want to call the kid a choke artist, but he choked worse than Greg Norman at the Masters. Way to go Tristan, way to go. You can watch all of the smart Asian kids spell words you've never heard of tonight at 8 on ABC.

HEY BARTENDER! JOBU NEEDS A REFILL!

Eh, That'll Happen

REMAIN CALM! ALL IS WELL!!

We've got good news and bad news. Bad news is the Wings lost. Good news is they are still up 2-1 in the series and will look to go up 3-1 on Saturday in Pittsburgh.

As for the game...ok well call me a sinner but I didn't really see much of it due to a flag football commitment (team Heisman got beat badly. And yes, that is the team I'm on which pisses me off even more that I missed the game to go and get our asses handed to us, great idea not). I did catch a lot of it on the radio to and from the game though so I won't be just reading everything off of the recap and posting it on here.

Mule had a nice game for the Wings and was even awarded the third star for his efforts with a goal and what I'm sure was physical play. Samuelsson scored the Wings' other goal in the third to bring the Wings within one but they couldn't get anything past the Pens defense and set up a decent shot on Fluery late and the Pens took game three. Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby had two goals for Pittsburgh and Adam Hall knocked in what would be the game winner at 7:13 in the third. Judging from Ken Kal's call on 97.1 the Ticket, it was a fluky goal that was just kind of stabbed at in a pile of people. Those are the types of goals that hurt the most because more often than not, they are the goals that win the games. Especially in the playoffs.

Ozzie had his scoreless streak broken by Crosby 17:25ish into the first period then he dumped in a powerplay goal early in the second. And I just want to go on record say that I am officially very, very nervous that Crosby is going to take over this series and that Malkin will eventually remember how to play hockey and start doing what he does which is also score goals. We may have awoken the sleeping giant that is the Pens offense.

I'm not scared yet, but at the same time I am dumping in my pants out of fear that things could get ugly for our beloved Red Wings.

In other news, the Pistons were down by as much as 17 in the 3rd but are right now down 6 with 4:20 left and McDyess just fouled out of the game. I'm going to go out on a limb on this one and say that the Pistons are not going to win this contest.

In more important news, the Tigers are winning 3-0 in the bottom of the 4th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim which is the most asinine team name this side of Team Heisman.

Really quick here let me go off on a rant on indoor rec league flag football. IT'S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!! There are no pads, no downfield blocking, no tackling, and there is supposed to be no strategy. However, there are teams (the one I play on) that have someone actually calling plays. And worse yet DEFENSIVE SCHEMES!!! All flag football is, is backyard football with refs and flags. You don't need to scheme up a goddamned coverage system in flag football. You don't need to call plays from the bench in flag football. To the other teams in the league, you don't need wristbands with plays on them in flag football. You don't need someone filming your games so you can watch them later in flag football. You don't need practices in flag football (as one moron said to me on the bench tonight to which I replied, "yeah...no not gonna happen"). Tell you what, you get me in a professional flag football league and maybe I'll practice, maybe I'll consider watching film, maybe I'll consider coverage and alignment schemes. Until then I must repeat myself IT IS REC LEAGUE FLAG FOOTBALL! You're playing rec league flag football, you are done chasing the dream, shut up and play ball.

Why must I be surrounded by freaking idiots.

Due to my piss poor mood right now...Ladies and Gentlemen...
Brian Bellows is a superstar.


Ahhh...old time hockey

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Pittsburgh,
Look on the bright side, you're only 113 days away from the beginning of your Steelers annual run to mediocrity!
Somewhere in Belle Vernon, a grandmother is missing a salad bowl and a lot of tin foil.
Cole

Dear Aaron Krepps,
Looking at that picture is like looking into the future isn't it?
Cole

Dear Big Brown's Training Staff,
Do you want to make millions of dollars selling horse semen for the next 20 years or do you want to shoot your horse in front of millions of people after he collapses from his broken hoof?
Choose Wisely,
Cole (more on this letter here)

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Nice work on the sweep of the Mariners last week. And great job hanging 19 on the Twins Saturday. Really, impressive stuff right there. Also congratulations on your 8th shutout loss of the year yesterday. Walking in the winning run has got to be the most creative way you guys have lost this year. You never cease to amaze me.
Love,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? YOU SCORE 19 ON SATURDAY AND THEN A COMBINED ONE RUN IN THE NEXT TWO GAMES? GET YOUR FREAKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! HEY CARLOS GUILLEN, I'M GETTING REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOOT BALLS AROUND IN THE INFIELD LIKE IT'S A GODDAMNED YOUTH LEAGUE SOCCER GAME! SHEFFIELD, I SWEAR TO GOD HIMSELF THAT IF YOU COME OUT OF A GAME WITH ANOTHER PIDDLY SHIT INJURY AGAIN THAT I WILL BOO YOU LIKE I BOOED BOBBY HIGGINSON! QUIT ACTING LIKE JUAN GONZALEZ AND BE A FREAKING BALLPLAYER! Oh, and Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski...DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT??
Love, Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Great game yesterday. Or at least thats what they told me on SportsCenter 25 times this morning. Can you beat the Celtics? Probably. Will you beat the Lakers or Spurs if you beat the Celtics? Probably not. Eh, you had a good run.
Auburn Hills Rock City!
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
I'm not even going to touch this topic yet.
Cole

Dear Joakim Noah,
Congratulations on your first pot arrest!
Signed,
Ricky Williams, Nate Newton, Isaiah Rider, Shawn Kemp

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
I just wanted to say congratulations on making the Stanley Cup Finals. That is an accomplishment in itself and nobody can take that away from you. Also I would like to remind you that hitting the goalie is not allowed in hockey especially when the hitting takes place late in a 3-0 game. Could you tell Ryan Malone to kindly stop hitting the Red Wings best players 5 seconds after the whistle? Could you remind Brooks Orpik that there is more to hockey than being a goon, like defense? Oh yeah, and I don't want to sound like a dick here but you do know that in order to win a hockey game, at any level, you kind of have to score a goal right? Don't get me wrong, I love what you're doing right now with that whole, "wait until we get them on our ice," thing but I just don't know if it's the best plan for business. Dust off the golf clubs, it will all be over soon.
Keep Up The Great Work!
Cole

Dear PETA,
Stop being so gay about everything jeez.
America

Dear Sports Talk Radio Callers,
OK, yeah we get it, that's enough, that's enough, THAT'S ENOUGH! Seriously guys, what are you doing with your lives? I know the economy is bad and all but come on, how do you have time to call into a radio show and go on a rant about Rasheed Wallace not rebounding enough or how tough Pavel Datsyuk was last night or how the Tigers need to relocate to Montreal? Like, I, I just don't get it. And this goes especially to the ones out there who can't speak proper(ish) English. If you're gonna wait 45 minutes to talk to some dude about Tayshaun's poor ball handling skills, you could at write down what you're going to say so as to not sound like a total idiot. But then again, the people that call into radio shows are usually the one's at the check out line or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (except for you Dave, you're in the minority for having a well paying job and still constantly calling in to radio shows at the same time). Basically what I'm saying is this: People who call in to Sports Talk Radio are pretty much the worst types of people.
(Other than those that call into Channel 95.5 of course. THEY are the absolute worst)
It's probably time to move out of mommy's basement and get a big boy job.
Cole

Well, That Was a Doozy

Tigers win, Red Wings win, Pistons lose. Two outta three ain't bad.

And boy did the Tigers win! 19 runs? Are you kidding me guy? A win today (tied at 1 in the 4th currently) and they might consider themselves to be rolling a bit. A loss today and last night's game is a meaningless SportsCenter highlight.

The Pistons got little brother bitch slapped by the Celtics last night. Funny story about the Pistons actually. I was at Pub 13 watching the Wings with a couple of friends I randomly bumped into when some moron turned the station on the big projection screen from the Wings to the Pistons sending the bar patrons into an absolute fury. It's good to see that I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't care about the Pistons anymore.

And as for the Wings...
Complete and Utter Domination!
Samuelsson out of nowhere scores two goals, Cleary scores on a shorthanded mini breakaway, and Zetterberg scores a rub their noses in it like a puppy who just shit on the floor powerplay goal with 13 seconds left in the game. Ozzie turned aside 19 shots, 11 of them in the first period, for his second shutout in the playoffs this season.



Now, let's talk goaltender interference. Lidstrom buried a nasty wrister in the first period but the goal was waved off because of an alleged goaltender interference call on, you guessed it, Thomas Holmstrom. Now, I am all about accepting a penalty or a goal being waved off if something actually happened. This time however, nothing happened. Homer didn't do anything wrong at all unless being a hockey player is all of a sudden a penalty. Babcock said in his post game press conference, "You watched the game. Was he in the crease? That's the rule, you can't put your stick in the crease now, is it? Did they change that when I wasn't watching?" That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. If that happens to any other team though, it could potentially change the entire outcome of the game. Luckily the Wings shrugged it off, killed the penalty and then scored 4 more goals to sent the youngsters back to their hotel rooms to think about what they've done.

Game two is tomorrow night at 8 on Versus for the last time this season. Yay.

THREE WINS AWAY!!