Back By Semi-Popular Demand

June 4th, 2009. The day Tobacco Juice Sports was put on life support. There were no signs of life. It was being kept alive only by machine like Ted Williams or that lady that caused all the ruckus a few years back. From that day until this day, I was like one of the relatives visiting the comatose patient less and less until it was almost completely forgotten about and never spoken of again.

Fast forward (or is it re-wind or push play?) to today. December 7th, 2009. THAT COMATOSE SUNNUVABITCH WOKE UP!!

I'M BACK BABY!!

I'm fairly certain nobody missed me and I'm fine with it. Let's recap what's happened since I decided to drop off the face of the blogosphere.

• I lost the Fat White Guy Challenge due to pure laziness and indifference.



• I played a lot of golf.



• The Tigers blew a 7 game lead in the division and watched the assholes from New York win the World Series.



• Brandon Inge got hit with a pitch with the bases loaded and was not awarded 1st base.



• The Wings didn't re-sign Hossa and lost Kopecky and Hudler to free agency or Russia (there were probably others but those are the three that hurt me, and them, the most).



• The Lions are bad...but I have completely reversed my opinion of Matt Stafford.



• The Pistons are still my least favorite thing in the world....



• Tiger Woods banged a bunch of hot chicks because he's Tiger Woods and you're not and he can do that sort of thing except he got caught and his hot wife got pissed and a shitstormbomb exploded.



• The Tigers are in the midst of what is being called "Not a Firesale"



• And finally, The BCS covered its own ass by scheduling Boise State and TCU to play against each other in the biggest goddamned copout in the history of anything.
  

Now that we're all kind of caught up with the random things I pulled out of thin air that may or may not have happened, let's get to the matter(s) at hand and talk about things that really piss me off because, unlike the Hulk, people tend to like me more when I'm angry.

First of all, maybe it's just me but I don't think that Tiger Woods crashing his car at the end of his own driveway after running from his freakishly strong and ridiculously hot Swedish wife after she found out he's been doing what every superstar in the world has been doing since Ty Cobb tagged Anne Margaret and that's going around banging hot chicks in various cities around the world, is worthy of CNN dropping everything and sending a helicopter to his house. Last I heard, Tiger's real name is not Eldrick "Tiger" Christ. The dude is human and he did what most of us dream doing. Travel the world, make gazillions playing golf, and bang random hot chicks. Enough is enough. (Yes I realize the man has a family and he probably shouldn't have been such a retard about it but c'mon, he's been perfect and polished his entire life...a controversy like this was bound to happen.)

Speaking of random hot chicks...Carrie Underwood is on my TV wearing what appears to be some sort of leather pants. Ho-ly-Shit.

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right...things that piss me off and other random nonsense.

After listening to 97.1 the Ticket for the better part of 3 and a half consecutive hours while running an errand to Lake Orion and back (don't ask), and the main talk on the Valenti and Foster show was how the Tigers were essentially having a fire sale after not making the playoffs this year. I wouldn't exactly call it a fire sale as much as a cost reduction tactic. Think of it like this. Right now, the Tigers are a chick with a huge rack. It's nice to look at, but for them, it's pretty uncomfortable, so they're gonna go ahead and have a reduction so they still look nice, but they're more comfortable with what they have. If they have to trade Granderson and/or Jackson and/or Cabrera and/or Barry Badrinath (Gerald Laird for those who don't think he looks like said character from BeerFest and if you haven't seen the movie it's time to move out of your cave) so they're more fiscally comfortable, and potentially younger, deeper, and more talented, then I'm completely on board. Look, things are tough right now, but if the Twins can do it with a reduced payroll, why not the Tigers? Hell, I'd rather they do it that way. It's much better than buying a championship like the Yankees have been doing, or trying to do, for the last two decades. Keep the faith Tigers fans, everything is gonna be fine.

As for Matt Stafford...click here and tell me you're not a fan. If you claim to be a football fan and say that after watching the video you're not a Matt Stafford fan and supporter, then you my friend...are an asshole. This is exactly what the Lions have needed since the days of Bobby Layne. A blood and guts, whatever it takes, follow my lead and we're gonna win, type leader at the quarterback position. Are the Lions still 2-10? Yes but c'mon people...there are 22 positions not counting special teams on a football team. Being able to say that you're set at two of them (QB and WR Calvin Johnson is the real deal folks) is not going to help you. We need to at least be shooting .500 and have 11 guys that are halfway decent before we are gonna win. We have a great coach and a mildly better front office...things are gonna change in the next few years I can feel it.

As for the corporate greed that exploits student athletes playing division 1 football in America, better known as the Bowl Championship Series. They screwed it up. That's all there is to say. I 100% agree with Texas and Alabama playing in the mythical "championship" game. Anyone who argues against that probably rode the short bus to school and I did not, so I am not arguing against that. Cincy playing Florida is fine as well. Iowa playing Georgia Tech on the other hand is freaking awful. But not nearly as awful and shady as TCU playing Boise State.

And here is why. TCU and Boise play in non-BCS conferences the Mountain West and the Western Athletic Conference. These two conferences lack the firepower (and cashflow) that the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, PAC-10, and Big East (to a lesser extent) have from top to bottom. New Mexico State would get CRUSHED by teams like Iowa State, Michigan, Washington State, or Duke (maybe) just because they simply have more money and typically better athletes because of the conferences they play in and finished near the bottom of. Since Boise and TCU play teams like New Mexico State and San Jose State, the rest of the country seems to feel as if their 12-0 records don't count and they don't deserve a shot at playing one of the big boys from the BCS conferences in a BCS game. That being said, remember 2006 when Boise State beat Oklahoma in a game where the Sooners were favored by two or more touchdowns in the Fiesta Bowl? Remember last year when Utah beat heavily favored Alabama in the whatever it was Bowl and rightfully claimed that they deserved to be National Champions? Yeah, the BCS decided to nip that little problem in the bud and let the two teams from the weaker conferences with undefeated records play each other so they didn't have to risk an embarassing loss for a BCS conference school like Iowa, Gerogia Tech, or Florida. They also didn't want to risk having potentially 4 undefeated teams at the end of the year, proving what everyone in the world already knows, that the BCS is the biggest bullshit moneymaking ponzi scheme in the history of civilization. TCU and Boise State deserve to play Iowa and Georgia Tech just to prove that just because they play shitbird teams, doesn't mean that they're shitbird teams themselves. And in my honest heart of hearts, I truly believe that TCU could beat Texas, Alabama, Florida, or Cincy. Those teams got absolutely hosed.

Speaking of college football, Brian Kelly and Jim Harbaugh are expected to interview at Notre Dame tomorrow. If Kelly is as smart as I hope he is, he will turn that job down. Notre Dame is where good coaches go to die. That and can you imagine running that pass happy offense in South Bend in November? It's cold as shit in South Bend in November! That'd be a HUGE mistake. Coach Kelly, do us all a favor, stay in Cincy and bring them a National Championship. Don't sell out like I know you probably will.

On a personal note...it's damn good to back. Maybe more tomorrow or the next day.

Oh and there's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt to make up for lost time. Speaking of random hot chicks...I'm gonna need suggestions again for the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports.

Dad Cussed Me Out About Not Blogging

That is probably the greatest headline for any of the 104 (well, 105 after this one) blog posts I've ever thrown up there.

Anyways, I'm back from my mental health hiatus and back to the blogger screen. And the dozen or so people who are fans of this blog rejoice with a stifled yawn.

A lot has happened since the last post so here is a quick rundown...

The Tigers are 3 games back of the Royals (the Royals??) in the division. I went to last Saturday's game against Cleveland (which does not rock) with the roommates with seats that were entirely too good for slaps like us, courtesy of middle brother's girlfriend's dad which is nice. One thing I have to mention is this...am I the only person who still hates Cleveland and people who root for Cleveland? I'm disappointed in the lack of participation in "Cleveland Sucks!" chants after the game. I thought Detroit fans were a little bit meaner than that. It was fun though if I can remember right.

The Wings tied up the series against the Ducks last night with a 6-3 win. Hossa decided to play and netted two goals for the Winged Wheel and that guy called Mule had a nice three point night as well. It seems as if the Wings have finally figured out how to effectively play Anaheim by not sinking to their level and playing actual skilled hockey, which Anaheim is clearly unable to play because they're just a bunch of freakin goons. Usually I love me some goonery but the first three games of this series just really pissed me off. Scrums after every whistle, cheap shots (Mike Brown's cheap shot elbow to Hudler's head for example), and just general dumbassery by Gordon Bombay's Ducks. It was refreshing to see some actual hockey last night.

Z mentioned to me the need for an anti-Brett Favre post. I agree with Z. This Favre nonsense has to stop and it has to stop now! Now, ESPN, I realize it is a slow-ish time in the sports world but to have the always borderline hot Rachel Nichols camping out outside Favre's plantation in Mississippi is the definition of media overkill. Now, let's say Favre does in fact come out of retirement. All this means is another mediocre season for whatever team signs him. As much as I love watching Brett Favre play football, I have to admit his time is up. Brett Favre has no business being an NFL quarterback anymore. It's time for him to hang it up and ride off into the ever fading sunset. And it's time for ESPN to stop reporting on how many times Brett Favre wiped his ass that day, and maybe I dunno, talk about hockey more.

Speaking of hockey. Alexander Ovechkin is far and away my favorite non Red Wing player in the NHL. Watch this video, you'll understand.


One thing I haven't mentioned at all is the NFL Draft. It's been a while but here's what I think about it. The Lions did not screw up the draft nearly as bad as I thought they would. Granted, the Stafford pick will most likely go down as one of the worst picks in NFL history, ranking up there with Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Joey Harrington, and Ryan Leaf. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not. With everyone clamoring for Rey Maulauga or however you spell it with the pick at #20, the Lions surprised everyone and went with Brandon Pettigrew the TE out of Okie State. Personally, I really liked the pick even though an offensive lineman would have probably been the better pick here but in all reality, Pettigrew is an absolute stud and will be a very good NFL tight end. The pick that shocked me even more was the choice of Louis Delmas from Western. I didn't realize he was so highly rated. I watched the kid play throughout his time at WMU and I figured he was a decent player but never thought he was a second round pick. For the sake of the Mid-American Conference, I am really rooting for Delmas to be an absolute badass the likes of Bob Sanders just to show everyone in the country that the MAC is a hell of a conference with some really good football players. Like I said, the Lions didn't do nearly as bad as I thought they would in the 2009 draft but nobody will ever truly know how good or bad this draft class was until about 2012 when the Lions win the Super Bowl, I graduate from college, and the world comes to an end.

In other news that ESPN is really dead horsing, Manny Ramierez got busted for the juice and will have to sit out the next 50 games. Is it just me or does every Scott Boras client abuse the juice? Speaking of Scott Boras juicers, DoucheTard A-Rod is almost ready to come back to the Yanks. I have no opinion other than A-Rod sucks.

Ok, that's it for me. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert. Oh, and we are now taking suggestions for the next Official Hot Chick of TJS. Nominate your hot chicks by commenting and then we'll vote on them.
Good to be back.

Random Acts of Randomness

Apparently Allen Iverson wasn't a good idea at all. Reports are saying he's been essentially banned from the Pistons and, as heard on 97.1 this morning, he's been banned from two of the three downtown casinos. Um, wow.

Unfortunately, the Pistons made the playoffs as the 8th seeded team in the Eastern Conference and will play Cleveland in the first round. This is really a win-win for me because if they win this series it gives Ohio a big FU and if they lose, I don't have to watch, talk, or write about them anymore until they screw up on draft day or fire Michael Curry...whichever happens first (I'm guessing Curry).

Speaking of Pistons, I heard today that Isiah Thomas just took the head coaching job at Florida International University...that's all I have to say about that. It still amazes me how far the Pistons have fallen this season and I'm not sure who to blame. I'm trying not to blame Joe D but...it's hard not to.

Let's talk Lions...no, no let's not. (Mock Draft is soon approaching)

The Tigers are now 4-4 on the year but that's not anything worth talking about. Mark "The Bird" Fidrych passed away on his farm in Massachusetts while fixing a truck. The Bird has long been considered one of the most intruiging men to ever play the game of baseball. I of course never saw him pitch, but I do remember my dad talking fondly of him. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about Mark Fidrych. He was 54. (More on Fidrych from people who actually know what they're talking about here, here, here, here, and here)

On a lighter note, the Tigers play today at 1 against the absolutely hated almost as much as the Tribe, White Sox. Zach Miner got roughed up for 8 runs over 3 1/3 innings. That's just not gonna cut it and I would like to lead the charge to bring Nate Robertson back into the rotation. I mean, it would be good to have a lefty in the rotation right? Maybe? That's just me and what do I know right? Porcello gets the ball today for the Tigers. I have a bet with a buddy of mine that Rick Porcello will win 15 games this season in the Major Leagues...today would be a good day to notch that first one against the hated Palehosers from the Windy City.

The NHL Playoffs start in Detroit on Thursday at 7. The Wings ended up as the #2 seed in the West and will square off with Columbus (yes, Ohio has hockey) in the first round. Full preview of the first round will happen either later tonight or tomorrow. Personally...I like our chances.

I hate the April in the D song more than I hate cancer. I wish I was joking. It's awful and those in charge of it should be fired.

Happy Boxing Day Canada!!!

After a long layoff I'm back from up north snowmobiling and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with the family and I hope you did too. Now...what did we miss over the past week?
Before I get started, just a little background music for everyone who was hating on me on the message boards (I read them, I don't post on them, they're terrible for the environment) just click the video and listen to the music as you read.



I'm never one to gloat so I won't gloat about the Ron English hiring at Eastern Michigan which is EXACTLY what that team and university needs. After watching the press conference I am convinced that this is the man for the job and EMU will once again be respectable in the MAC and who knows...they might even mess around and win the damn thing within the next two years. As far as recruiting goes, I feel that even though the previous regime was instructed to NOT recruit (very much) after the firing, the hiring of English is such a high profile one that any real football player who wants to play in the MAC would have to take a step back from their options and take a good long look at EMU again. Recruiting will not take as big of a hit as everyone is thinking and that is a very, very good thing. Oh, and since I was snowed in up north in Mesick, Michigan (the mushroom capitol of the world), I wasn't able to rip off Brian at MGoBlog and post this video after a great hire of a great football coach. I'll go ahead and do that now...

EASTERN HIRES RON ENGLISH!!!


Like I've already said, I'm EXTREMELY fired up about this hire and know that this team in Ypsilanti will be a source of pride for the community again very, VERY soon.

In other news...the Lions are now 0-15 and are a mere 60 football minutes away from being the first 0-16 team in the history of the No Fun Leage, I mean National Football League. Before I get to the Lions and their undying pitifulness, I have to chastise NFL Commish Roger Goodell for being a celebration Nazi. Last Sunday in a snowy game against Arizona, New England Patriots reciever Wes Welker caught a touchdown pass and then made a snow angel in the endzone.




As you saw in the video, it was nothing more than a guy having some fun in the snow after making a great play for a touchdown. By letter of the law, a player cannot go to the ground for a touchdown celebration which is the second biggest crock of shit involved with this incident. The biggest crock of shit and the current front runner for the "Crock of Shit of the Year" award, is the fact that the NFL (No Fun League as mentioned before) fined Welker $10,000 bucks for it. So you fine Wes Welker for making a snow angel and you let the Dallas Cowboys act like a bunch of girls in front of the press like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. Something's not right here, and if I'm Wes Welker, I make a snow angel again next week as an F.U. to Goodell and his celebration Gestapo.

As for the Lions, let's face it, they simply will not win on Sunday in Green Bay. They struggle enough there with a good team let alone with this shitpile they have rolling out every week. The Lions will be 0-16 and will forever be known as the worst team in the history of the NFL.

HOWEVER

I truly believe that Rod Marinelli is NOT THE ONE TO BLAME! It's not his fault at all. Marinelli was handed the keys to another Ford Lemon and he did the best he could do with what he had. It's not like he's Marty Mornenweig choosing to kick off to start overtime in Chicago. Rod Marinelli is simply not the one to blame. Everyone above Rod Marinelli deserves all the blame in the world. And the idea of keeping Matt Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew on as GM next season would be the biggest mistake the Ford's have made since they hired Millen. Why keep on a guy who has the same ideas and concepts as the guy you just fired? Like my old man says, most of the time it's the Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's which is the case in Detroit. The X's and O's are there, they just don't have the Jimmy's and Joe's to play on Sundays which is the main job of the GM and Millen screwed that up and I feel that Mayhew will do the same thing and leave us Lions fans scratching our heads as usual on draft day. Until Ford sells his team or gives control to his son, the Lions will never win. I know it's radical, but firing Rod Marinelli is not going to fix anything and could (somehow) make things worse.

The Pistons...OK, I'm not going to lie to you at all, I've spent exactly two and a half minutes watching the Pistons this season and that was because the Red Wings were on commercial and I hit the wrong button on the remote. That is how much I care about the Pistons. When I watch them, it's typically on accident or it's the playoffs and the Wings are off that night. Call it what you will, I simply cannot stand watching the NBA in fact, I would rather watch grass grow than watch the NBA. I would rather watch drunken clowns make balloon animals than the NBA. I would rather watch soccer, women's college hoops, Alf, reruns of Three's Company, or the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap than watch the NBA. Shit, I'd rather go to class than watch the NBA, and that's really saying something there. Dad just chimed in with a gem, "I'd rather watch heavyweight division beach volleyball than the NBA." Exactly Dad, exactly.

The Wings, well, they're just doing what they do. They're 8-2 and peckerslapped the NHL's best team San Jose last week 6-0, a win that served as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Detroit Red Wings are still the Detroit Red Wings and will kick your ass every night if you don't come to play. Ozzie has been hurt for almost a month now and Ty Conklin has done a tremendous job filling in for him, posting two shutouts and an 11-4 season record with a 2.53 Goals Against Average. Marian Hossa has proved to be the best free agent signing for any team in the offseason as he's leading the Wings in goals at the moment with 17 and is second to Datsyuk in points with 34 (Datsyuk has 37). There is one name on the stat sheet that continues to stand out to me and that name is Jiri Hudler. Hudler is fourth on the team in points behind Datsyuk, Hossa, and Zetterberg which is quite the company to be involved with. Hudler has 13 goals and 15 helpers on the year for a total of 28 but what's most impressive is that he's scored 13 times this year while only taking 66 shots which gives him a very impressive shooting percentage of just under 20% (19.7 to be exact). What does that mean? Well, if Hossa had a 20% shooting percentage, he would have scored 28 goals already instead of just 17. Either way, this is just typical Red Wings, you have your superstars lead the way and then the less noticeable guys follow their lead and play good hockey. Next week on January 1st, the Wings play in Chicago at Wrigley Field in the League's third outdoor game. So far conditions are going to be perfect but to me it doesn't matter because I'm an idiot and waited too long to buy my tickets for it. It's always a battle when these two Original Six teams face off with each other but given the grand stage this game is on, it should be even more intense and fun to watch. I just might watch the hockey game instead of the bowl games that day. We'll see.

As a Boxing Day present, here's Elisha Cuthbert doing what she does.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!!

If I Could Write A Letter To...

Dear Major League Baseball,
Wooooooow. You cancelled a World Series game in the bottom of the 6th inning. Normally, I'm fine with it but c'mon...IT'S THE WORLD SERIES! It might be worth waiting out the rain and finishing the game around 2am. I'm sure the Phans in Philly wouldn't mind a whole hell of a lot. They were going to be partying until at least 4am anyway. I'm just happy your shit for brains commissioner didn't call it a tie. Oh and a quick side note...is anyone outside of Philly and Tampa actually watching this? The only reason anyone else is watching is because nothing else is on. Poor effort MLB. Poor Effort.
Cole
Dear NHL,
It's time to ready the attack against the NBA.
Signed,
Cole


Dear Tyrone Willingham,
I just wanted to say that I have been a big fan of yours since you won the PAC-10 with Stanford (yeah, Stanford) before you took over Notre Dame. I personally believe you got hosed in South Bend and was run off by the administration. When you got the job at Washington, I thought the Huskies were instantly three to four years away from being a program that matters again. Well...I was wrong. BUT I want to congratulate you on not having an ego bigger than the game. I believe that stepping down was the classy and responsible thing to do and wish you nothing but the best in the future. Coaches always talk about accountability and responsibility, you held yourself personally responsible and accountable for the failures of your program and for that I have nothing but respect. If only other perennially failing head coaches would follow your lead...
Cole


Dear Pandora.Com,
You are far and away the greatest Internet invention this side of facebook.
Love,
Cole

Dear NBA,
Tonight is opening night. I will not be watching. Tell dipshit David Stern that his product is on the verge of a ratings collapse due to poor entertainment value and lack of team play. Why do you think college hoops is more adored than you? Get over yourself NBA.
HERE COMES THE NHL!
Cole

Dear Grass Lake Football,
Beat Potterville's ass this week so I can come watch you next week.
Love,
Cole


Dear Mixed Martial Arts,
Ha, ya'll gave it a hell of a run eh? You banked on a guy who lived on the street and a hot chick to carry an entire "league" on NBC (or CBS or whatever it was, who cares), what did you expect? Yeah, I know you're a tough sport and everything but you're starting to take yourself a little too seriously. You need to go back to your roots and just put two crazy assholes in a cage and watch them beat the living dogshit out of each other, then mop the mat up and have two more crazy assholes beat the dogshit out of each other. Rinse, Wash, Repeat. The basic building blocks of success. Nobody cares about the lifestories of the crazy assholes, we just want to see crazy assholes be crazy assholes.
Crazy Assholes,
Cole

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Dude, signing a free agent contract with the Detroit Lions would be career suicide.
Yes, I know you're already retired.
Cole


Dear Readers,
It's good to be back.
Love,
Cole

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear America,
How am I the only person outraged by this story about the Greenwich, Connecticut teenagers who built a Wiffle Ball stadium and pissed off a bunch of snobby ass rich people? What kind of country are we living in now days? Some kids build a wall and throw some bases down to play wiffle ball and everyone reacts as if they built a freakin meth lab or something. And what's worse is the fact that lawyers are getting involved now. The kids have lawyered up, the town has lawyered up, the snobby ass rich people have also gotten their lawyer friends invovled, the whole thing is just turning into an absolute shitshow. I realize that the kids probably should have built it say, in their yard or something as opposed to a public place but at the same time, wouldn't the town be kind of happy to see something like that? If the town of Grass Lake built a wiffle ball "stadium" like that, I would personally be thrilled to the point of staging an all night wiffle ball marathon tournament. I know the city of Greenwich is kind of in a tough spot as some dude broke his leg in a public park, sued the city and won millions of dollars in a settlement, but that doesn't mean that they have to wrap the entire town in bubble wrap so nobody will get a boo-boo. They're kids, if they get hurt, it's no big deal. Like my Dad once said, "No balls, no babies." It's time to let your balls drop America and quit being such a pussy about everything.
LET THEM PLAY!
Cole

Dear Billy Packer,
I have to say this, you've never been one of my favorites. You have been announcing the NCAA Tournament for something along the lines of 28 years and CBS has finally cut ties with you. Will I miss your nonsensical ramblings during the games you're involved in? Probably. Will I miss the bitching and moaning you did before, during, and after the tournament? Probably not. The good news for you is that ESPN will probably hire you because well, the World Wide Leader is all about ratings and crazy old men going on rants about this and that usually equal great ratings. Clark Kellog is going to take your spot with Jim Nantz or whoever for the tournament. Talk about a bad trade...
Keep your head up Billy,
Cole

Dear Tigers Fans,
The All Star Break is here. The Tigers are sitting at .500 on the year after being as many as 12 games under that mark earlier in the year. As I have said before, if the Tigers are at .500 at the break, everything could probably be all right. The only problem is that Chicago is still 7 games ahead. That means that over the course of the rest of the season, the Tigers need to win every time the Sox lose. The only way the Tigers make the playoffs this season is if they win the Division. Keep the faith everybody. It'll take quite a run to make it, but it's a run this team is capable of making.
Keep the faith,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
You need to make a run here and it needs to happen sooner than later. Here is how you can do it. First of all, you need to trade Edgar Renteria, a prospect (NOT MATT JOYCE) and whoever else you can find for a different shortstop or another starting pitcher (Erik Bedard from Seattle maybe?). If you can't get a better shortstop, you need to put Carlos back at short where he was decent and put Inge back at third. I know it would be difficult to pull that off, but it would be nice to have that side of the infield back the way it was. I hate to say i told you so about Renteria. It was just a bad idea. Has he done some good things? Yes. Is he capable of producing big numbers the rest of the year? Not in the way you need him to. I never thought I would say this, but Omar Infante would be nice to see at the shortstop position again. Speaking of lack of production, was I the only one who noticed how well the Tigers played with Sheff on the DL and out of the lineup? Doesn't that kind of jump off the page at you? Don't get me wrong, I really like Sheff and want to see him do well, but it's just not happening anymore. It's time to put the dog down. As for everything else, keep the gritty white guy trio of Clete, Joyce, Larish, and Rayburn around as long as possible. Their Blue Collar style of play is a breath of fresh air for this team that seemed removed from how Detroit fans expect their guys to play. Gritty, hardworking, playing to win on every play. I love it, don't change it. Keep playin ball guys, everything will work itself out how it is supposed to.
Love,
Cole


Dear Matt Joyce,
Congratulations on being the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports! Hopefully you won't soon be the official Mud Hen of Tobacco Juice Sports.
Don't Go a Changin,
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
Do you believe in Now? That's the worst slogan I've ever heard for a season ticket blitz before the season. Anything else would have been better. Hell, "Come watch us not suck as much as usual" would be better than what you have now. Use your heads you fuckin morons.
Cole

Dear Brett Favre,
Brett, dude, you're my favorite football player of all time. That being said, I don't think watching you play with any other team would be worth my time of effort. Unless it was with the Lions. Stay retired Brett. Just, just stay retired.
Seriously,
Cole

VICTORY CHEWS FOR EVERYONE!!!

RED WINGS WIN!!! And even more impressive..JOHAN FRANZEN NETS THREE for a hat trick!! Johan MFing Franzen!!! I am loving life right now as the Wings won, the Tigers are up 1 in the bottom of the 7th (Galarraga took a no hitter into the sixth, I like this guy) and the Lions are trying to improve. Today is truly a great day and I will close it off with a nice victory dip of Grizzly (because I'm a cheapass and because damnit, it works). More draft coverage (by that I mean more questioning of the Lions drafting ability) tomorrow but nothing like today, just some light commentary or whatever. Wings go to Denver Monday night (on VERSUS yay!) with a 2-0 lead in the series. The Pistons play tomorrow in Philly and will probably lose again because apparently that's just what they do these days. Could be a long hot summer in Auburn Hills, but hey, at least we have the Shock!

Angels tie the game in the top of the seventh with Lopez on the bump now out of the bullpen.
Granderson triples in the bottom of the seventh with one out. Remember when I said I wasn't expecting a whole lot out of him just yet? Well, Grando is officially back now! He looks like he hasn't missed a beat and that is great news for the Tigers. Sheffield comes to the plate wearing an 0-3 collar so far with runners on the corners after the Angels walked Polanco. Dad has soured on Sheff as of late because he's just not what he used to be. Sheff grounds to second and they botch the turn!! "That is the only fucking way he gets on base ever!!" and that is a direct quote, not from Dad either...that was Mom! It always makes me laugh when she starts swearing, I had no idea she was such a huge Tigers fan...jeez, you think you know somebody. Maggs hits a shot to left that drops in, and scores Polanco and now with runners on 2nd and 3rd they walk Miggy to get to Jacque who hits a sac fly to left to score Sheff. Great to see the Tigers answer back after a three run inning with one of their own. Renteria comes up with runners at first and second and hits a ball up the middle and makes Mom yelp when Maggs almost gets caught off third. "Scaring the shit out of me they are!" Nice Mom...nice. Pudge comes up with the bases juiced and two out...something tells me that a strikeout is in order...I was wrong...he decided to ground to third instead and the inning is over...gotta love it baby, gotta love it!

On an entirely different and borderline depressing note, Astro the Dog died last night. At least he got to kill one more cat before he left us. It's ok though, he was pretty old, and he was pretty blind, and he was pretty deaf.

Talking about the 49ers offense and how horrible they are, Steve Young says, "If there were 50 teams, they would have finished 50th." This is just after Chris Berman used the term, "Anemic," which is almost better than Berman's infamous, "You're with me leather." (click on the link, I'm begging you, seriously, do it...do it...do it!) Jets on the clock, they don't choose Henne, they take the TE from Purdue and the crowd goes...well let's just say there was a lot of 40+ year old with their hands on their heads saying, "What? Who? Whyyyy?" Gotta love Jets fans on draft day.

Jonesy on to close out the game in the top of the 9th with a two run lead...as always, I'm just a little bit scared. First guy flies out, next guy singles, third guy grounds out to second, two away with Chone Figgins at the plate in front of a full to the gills Comerica Park. Brandon Inge almost catches a foul ball on the third base side...gritty play from a gritty player. Figgins grounds to the hole, Renteria makes a great play and a great throw and the Tigers win!!!


Ahhh...what a great day.

It Makes Me Happy in the Pants Region

"C'moooon I could told you those two were goin first!!" Dad already talking shit after the two Longs go 1-2 in the draft. This could get ugly. Dave brought over some Magic Hat beers, Mom made tacos, and crazy Uncle Bruce is also in attendance luckily, he's not really my uncle.

I love how ESPN covers the draft and decides to absolutely HAMMER the Atlanta Falcons and the crazy year they've had. Part of me feels bad, but that part is quickly erased after Rachel Nichols comes on the TV...soooo borderline hot. Falcons take Matt Ryan as the third pick no real surprise. Dave comes up with his first dumbass comment of the day, "I don't think Matt Ryan is worth a top ten pick," pace yourself bud, pace yourself. Speaking of Rachel Nichols, I am very disappointed in the World Wide Leader for not giving Erin Andrews at least a cameo appearance. Like, just let her poke her head into the frame really fast once every hour or so. She doesn't even have to say anything, just let her smile and wave and then go eat some nachos and drink a Bud Light.

"Kirk Herbstriet pisses me off with his damn Buckeye perspective on everything"- Dad
"Nothing like making a team out of Tampa Bay's second stringers," - Also Dad, he's on a roll early folks!
Steve Etman played for Washington back in the early 90's and in the NFL of course he flopped, "Did you just say he pussy flopped??" That one was me half listening to Dave and Dad talk about Glenn Dorsey who just went to the Chiefs. While everything is going on seemingly at once, Franzen scores for the Wings to make it 1-0 leading me to again say, he is an absolute MULE!

The Jets are up...can't wait to see how they screw this one up. Here's video evidence about how inept the Jets are historically on draft day.




The Jets take Gholston, working class heroes from Jersey and truck drivers from Ohio all rejoice. Patriots are on the clock and Leonidas McLovin is the pick most would like to see. Michael Smith from ESPN and whatever paper he writes for, is very good at his job. Way better than the dude on 1st and 10, not the tan dude, the old dude from Vanderbilt or whatever snooty school he went to. I still think it's going to be Ellis from USC to as Mort says, "shore up that defensive front." Mort is better than Kiper. Yeah I said it, big whoop, wanna fight about it? Pats trade their pick to New Orleans who then take Ellis who is basically a fire hydrant with arms and legs. Dude's like 5 feet tall and 300 pounds and the Saints picking him makes very little sense to me, aren't they ok on defense? What happened? Did I just black out? Ravens trade pick to the Jags which makes sense because drafting a QB right now would be stupid because they're not worth that high of a pick just yet. The Jags are looking for the next Tony Boselli who was one of the best to play the game if you ask me. Bold statement I know. Weird, I was wrong about the Jags pick who take Derrick Harvey from Florida and as they show highlights on him from the Capital One Bowl Dave comes up with this gem, "That sack shouldn't count, it was against Steve Schilling he's basically a swinging gate." Stay classy.

End of the first period and the Wings are up 1-0 in a game that is shaping up to be exactly like Thursdays game. It seems to me that as the action starts to get a little chippy, really are starting to become annoyed with each other again. I'm also proud to say that the Wings are playing on NBC today which is at least three times better than watching a game on Versus. Actually I take that back, it's pretty much the same. I miss NHL on Fox. Speaking of Fox...aren't the Tigers on??? Yeah, they are and as we switch over we find that it's the top of the 1st with two outs and the bases are loaded for the Angels "Quick quick turn it I don't want to see it!" Hopefully the ball stayed in the yard and they got out of the inning. We'll check back on them later. (Did you know the Tigers are 1-10 in day games this year? They've played 11 day games already? What the hell?)

Back to Red Wings action and as we get back they are on the powerplay and you guessed it...JOHAN FRANZEN IS A MULE!!! That's four goals in two games and as I'm writing this Flippula scores off a bad rebound off the boards from Drake!! 3-0 Wings with 12 minutes and change left in the second. Barry Melrose?

The Bills shock the mock draft world and take Leonidas McLovin to which Dave says, "That opens up the door for the Lions to take Devin Thomas." If you think the '68 riots were bad...let Millen choose another receiver and see what happens.

Tigers update, hot chicks in the front row drinking the whalebones of slushy booze goodness. Oh and the Tigers are up 1-0.

Zetterberg scores on a move that sends Theodore to get an early shower while the water is still hot. And now DARREN McCARTY drops the gloves with Cody McCormick kind of loses the fight but I'm totally cool with it. OLD TIME HOCKEY!!!

Pierce calls in just to call Barry Melrose a "greaseball who hates the Wings just because they passed him up as a coach." Gotta love the long distance contributions from the Sunshine State.

THE LIONS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!! Possibility of trades are flying all over the airwaves but Kiper won't shut up long enough to tell us what the hell is going on. Dad thinks they take Otah or Albert, Dave is saying Albert, I am saying they'll screw it up and go with Mendenhall, Mom...wants to watch the Tigers and thinks the draft is stupid. "Hell, she only watches football for the tight pants anyway," Nice Dad, not disturbing at all. The Lions trade their pick to KC but they won't tell us for what! We are sitting here in absolute disbelief because the Lions actually did something on draft day that made some small amount of sense. "The greatest pick for the Lions, was no pick." Dad couldn't be any more right. "That's the best first round move I've ever seen the Lions make," Dave is also right. Let's just hope we didn't just trade our first round pick for Tony Gonzales and a sack of marbles. ABSOLUTE PANIC is setting in at the Cole house because nobody knows what the Lions just traded for and suddenly, the TV just STOPPED WORKING!!! OHH THE HUMANITY!!

Whew, ok, that was unnecessarily dramatic...Lions get the 17th pick and a 3rd and a 5th. So the potential for the Lions screwing up this first round pick is still high.
Steve Young says it is "Criminal," that the Cardinals don't win more games. I mean, their jerseys are pretty cool...Keyshawn looks like he was stoned out of his gourd before he got dressed today, was Michael Irvin not available or something? You would think ESPN would at least have someone there to tell them not to dress like circus clowns or Leisure suit Larry.

Lions are once again on the clock and it is very anti-climatic but I still wonder how they are going to screw it up.......and sure enough THEY SCREWED IT UP!!! Gosder Cherilius??? Are you serious??? You talk about a curveball, nobody expected this one and I don't agree with it. Wouldn't you think that after giving up the most sacks in the league last season that they would go with more of a pass blocking type? Ok, after watching the film after the pick, sure, he looks like a decent lineman but not the one we (specifically I) wanted. Marinelli has a plan, Marinelli has a plan, Marinelli has a plan...I'm pretty much speechless right now.

Tigers are winning in the bottom of the 4th, Wings are up 4 at the start of the third. Dave has to leave to go have dinner with his girlfriend. Which will leave it at Dad, Mom, Me, and a about 15 Busch Lights. Still speechless...

Playskool's "My First Mock Draft Kit"

Just a quick disclaimer...I have no idea what I am talking about. Well, I have a small amount of an idea as to what I am talking about but I really have no idea.

The people (well, Dave) have spoken and they demanded a TJS Mock Draft. Well being that I am back home for the weekend visiting Mom and Pop and maybe a little brother or two, what better time to write about the draft? Today will be the mock draft with the assistance from Dave since we're both back home in Grass Lake and Missy's Grass Shack isn't jumpin until at least 10 (Dave helping is going to be like when your dad told you to hold the flash light while he was fixing the lawn mower in the front yard in broad daylight) and tomorrow I'll see what I'm in the mood for. Probably the typical post talking about how the Lions suck and the Jet's picked the wrong guy because well...there are just certain inevitable truths in life and those are two of them, another big one is gravity.

"With the first pick of the 2008 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select Jake Long offensive tackle from the University of Michigan"

And that is the only pick I am going to get right the rest is a soup sandwich.

2. St. Louis Rams - Vernon Gholston LB/DE Ohio State - Some are saying Glenn Dorsey from LSU but I am saying they go with the freakishly athletic Wolverine killer from Columbus and mainly for those very reasons.

3. Atlanta Falcons - Glenn Dorsey DT LSU - I really want to see Matt Ryan taken here but it's the Falcons and they are banking that Mike Vick will be out of prison at some point to lead them to the Super Bowl or at least help clean up the stadium as community service. My bet is, Glenn Dorsey is this season's Steve Emtman.

4. Los Angeles Raiders - Darren McFadden RB Arkansas - With Jamarcus Russel and McFadden in the same backfield, the Raidas are pretty much set for the future. Can't wait till next year's draft so they can draft a great WR with the first overall pick. Yes, I am saying the Raiders will be the worst team in the league in 2008.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Chris Long DE Virginia - Absolute no brainer here after they traded Jared Allen to Minnesota. Chris Long will be one of, if not THE best player from this year's draft when they look back on it in 5 years. Future Hall of Famer I shit you not.

6. New York Jets - Matt Ryan QB Boston College - Settle down, settle down! This is probably not going to happen as for some reason the Jets think that Clemens is the quarterback of the future for them. I don't believe that to be true and think that Matt Ryan would be great in the Jets' system. Dave is sitting here swearing to God that they are going to take Sedrick Ellis but that pick is too trendy for me. Dave is probably going to be right on this one.

7. New England Patriots - Sedrick Ellis DT USC - The Pats are great at drafting defensive linemen who turn into more than adequate football players later on such as Richard Seymour, among others.

8. Baltimore Ravens - Any Available Quarterback be it Chad Henne (yeah right) Brian Brohm, or Joe Flacco - Trade down and get a QB if Matt Ryan is not available. Please Baltimore, I'm begging you, I can't bear to watch you play with the peanut guy at QB any longer.

9. Cincinnati Bengals - Keith Rivers LB USC - Seems like a good character guy but I'm sure at some point as the ritual goes with the Bengals, this guy will end up in jail for a night for something someone else did. It's just bound to happen. If they trade Ocho Cinco look for them to take a WR here but they're from Ohio and kind of stupid so they won't trade him.

10. New Orleans - Branden Albert OT Virginia - Reggie Bush isn't the same since the hit that left him crawling on the ground looking for his heart that apparently came flying out when he got hit...still hasn't found it. He's soft. Dave says Mike Jenkins from USF who DOMINATED while I was playing with USF in NCAA 08 for ps2 Dave is probably right with this one too.

11. Buffalo Bills - Devin Thomas WR Michigan State - Devin Thomas is a freak of nature type kid and will be a good to very good receiver in the league, gotta love the Sparties and their ability to produce good receivers. Like Mushin Muhammad, Plaxico Burress...and um Charles Rogers...yeah...bummer

12. Denver Broncos - Chris Williams OT Vanderbilt - Big, nasty, mean, strong, everything you want in an offensive lineman.

13. Carolina Panthers - Ryan Clady OT Boise State - Guy got not one but TWO huge blocks on the play that turned Boise State into the greatest Cinderella story in college football history. If I had a team I would draft him.

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall RB Illinois - "Local boy does good" will be the headline in the Tribune on Sunday as the Bears pick up the very talented Mendenhall. Reminds me of Curtis Enis, no wait...Rushann Salaam, no wait...Cedric Benson...poor kid, never had a chance.

15. Detroit Lions - Does it really matter? It does? Ok the Lions will choose Branden Albert from Virginia if they listen to Dave. I think it'll be..like I said, does it really matter? The dude is just going to break our hearts with the rest of those clowns. But if anyone who is not a Lions fan says they suck, I will fight you. If you're a Lions fan and you say they suck, it's ok. Fire Millen, Fire the staff, Fire the Fords, sell the team to Illitch, he's a proven winner.

16. Arizona Cardinals - Derrick Harvey LB Florida - Solid linebacker for a team that needs more than that like say a quarterback who doesn't do beer bongs with underaged girls.

17. Kansas City Chiefs (From Minnesota) - I'm a big fan of trading middle first round picks for proven talent to fill a need. Well done Vikes, well done. Kansas City will take the best lineman available to fix their porous offensive line. Any one will do, just find a large dude and put him in a jersey and a helmet and tell him to hit the guy in the other colored jersey. Dave says "Gosder Cherilus from Boston College and he also has the best name in the first round except for that Leonidas guy" (we've been drinking it's ok).

18. Houston Texans - Jonathon Stewart RB Oregon - This will make their rag tag group of running backs obsolete. Stewart is a hell of a ballplayer, tough runner which Houston needs. Hell everyone needs that.

19. Philadelphia Eagles - Limas Sweed WR Texas - In my opinion the best receiver in the draft and to use a Mel Kiper term, has "tremendous upside." I can't wait till tomorrow to play the Mel Kiper drinking game which would be fun but there's just not enough beer to play it. It'd be like playing century club with full beers instead of just shots of beer. Dave claims Mel Kiper has no college education. Dave also believes in Santa Claus AND Hanukah Harry.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Phillip Merling DE Clemson - Saw him play once on CBS or something, seemed like a good player.

21. Washington Redskins - Calais Cambell DE Miami (FL) - Never heard of this guy. Go Canes!

22. Dallas Cowboys - Chastity Stripper Ypsilanti Deja Vu - Somebody has to keep Pac-Man busy so he doesn't get banished to the CFL (good god he would DOMINATE the CFL). Dave insists I put an actual pick here and I say that Dominique Rogers Cromartie kid from Tennessee State will be the pick.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Aaron Krepps WR Washington and Jefferson - Just seems like the logical choice. He's great, just ask him, he'll tell you. Dave says James Hardy WR Indiana (Dave is cheating by reading fifteen different mock drafts from actual "experts" and insists that we keep this serious. Buzzkill)

24. Houston Oilers er, Tennessee Titans - Malcom Kelly WR Oklahoma (boomer sooner!) - This is another player who is going to have a great impact even though they would have liked Limas Sweed since he's already played with Vince Young and that just would have been a nice little story...awww.

25. Seattle Seahawks - Felix Jones RB Arkansas - Dude was McFadden's backup and is still a solid first round pick. After they released Shawn Alexander (my accidental first pick in the fantasy draft in 06 instead of Tomlinson due to a computer glitch...my season was ruined) it's time to restock the cupboard with a solid back at this pick. I think TJ Duckett is going to have a 1500 yard season though...I'm just saying.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Quinton Groves DE/OLB Auburn - Nasty football player just nasty...could possibly give Jacksonville a scary good defense next season.

27. A Whale's Vagina Chargers - Jared Mayo LB Tennessee - Just another solid player from Phil Fulmer's football factory and warehouse emporium.

28. Dallas Cowboys - Ray Rice RB Rutgers - Dave says they need a running back and for the first time all night, I actually agree with him but not Ray Rice. Well...maybe Ray Rice. He might be pretty good or he could be a bust.

29. San Francisco 49ers - DeSean Jackson WR Cal - Ted Ginn Jr clone except this guy has talent.

30. Green Bay Packers - Brett Favre QB Southern Mississippi (do to Dave's insisting, I will say they take Aqib Talib CB Kansas)

31. New England Patriots - They commited the cardinal sin and do not get a pick in this slot. The cardinal sin wasn't cheating, the cardinal sin was getting caught. But like I've always said, if you ain't cheatin, you ain't tryin. "That's how I got through most of school!" Dave chimes in.

32. New York Giants - Dan Connor LB Penn State - One tough S.O.B. and he will do very well, very quickly for the G-Men.

Finally, thats the end of the first mock draft and I am completely done writing for the night because that was brutal. The Tigers are down 2-0 right now after Robertson served up a MOONshot to Vlad the Impaler in the top of the 4th. The Pistons are playing too...eh, wake me up when it's game 7.

TOMORROW! Live blog of all the events on tap. Wings at 3, Draft at 3, Tigers at 3:30. Holy mother of God.