Big Things Poppin

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...

Back By Semi-Popular Demand

June 4th, 2009. The day Tobacco Juice Sports was put on life support. There were no signs of life. It was being kept alive only by machine like Ted Williams or that lady that caused all the ruckus a few years back. From that day until this day, I was like one of the relatives visiting the comatose patient less and less until it was almost completely forgotten about and never spoken of again.

Fast forward (or is it re-wind or push play?) to today. December 7th, 2009. THAT COMATOSE SUNNUVABITCH WOKE UP!!

I'M BACK BABY!!

I'm fairly certain nobody missed me and I'm fine with it. Let's recap what's happened since I decided to drop off the face of the blogosphere.

• I lost the Fat White Guy Challenge due to pure laziness and indifference.



• I played a lot of golf.



• The Tigers blew a 7 game lead in the division and watched the assholes from New York win the World Series.



• Brandon Inge got hit with a pitch with the bases loaded and was not awarded 1st base.



• The Wings didn't re-sign Hossa and lost Kopecky and Hudler to free agency or Russia (there were probably others but those are the three that hurt me, and them, the most).



• The Lions are bad...but I have completely reversed my opinion of Matt Stafford.



• The Pistons are still my least favorite thing in the world....



• Tiger Woods banged a bunch of hot chicks because he's Tiger Woods and you're not and he can do that sort of thing except he got caught and his hot wife got pissed and a shitstormbomb exploded.



• The Tigers are in the midst of what is being called "Not a Firesale"



• And finally, The BCS covered its own ass by scheduling Boise State and TCU to play against each other in the biggest goddamned copout in the history of anything.
  

Now that we're all kind of caught up with the random things I pulled out of thin air that may or may not have happened, let's get to the matter(s) at hand and talk about things that really piss me off because, unlike the Hulk, people tend to like me more when I'm angry.

First of all, maybe it's just me but I don't think that Tiger Woods crashing his car at the end of his own driveway after running from his freakishly strong and ridiculously hot Swedish wife after she found out he's been doing what every superstar in the world has been doing since Ty Cobb tagged Anne Margaret and that's going around banging hot chicks in various cities around the world, is worthy of CNN dropping everything and sending a helicopter to his house. Last I heard, Tiger's real name is not Eldrick "Tiger" Christ. The dude is human and he did what most of us dream doing. Travel the world, make gazillions playing golf, and bang random hot chicks. Enough is enough. (Yes I realize the man has a family and he probably shouldn't have been such a retard about it but c'mon, he's been perfect and polished his entire life...a controversy like this was bound to happen.)

Speaking of random hot chicks...Carrie Underwood is on my TV wearing what appears to be some sort of leather pants. Ho-ly-Shit.

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right...things that piss me off and other random nonsense.

After listening to 97.1 the Ticket for the better part of 3 and a half consecutive hours while running an errand to Lake Orion and back (don't ask), and the main talk on the Valenti and Foster show was how the Tigers were essentially having a fire sale after not making the playoffs this year. I wouldn't exactly call it a fire sale as much as a cost reduction tactic. Think of it like this. Right now, the Tigers are a chick with a huge rack. It's nice to look at, but for them, it's pretty uncomfortable, so they're gonna go ahead and have a reduction so they still look nice, but they're more comfortable with what they have. If they have to trade Granderson and/or Jackson and/or Cabrera and/or Barry Badrinath (Gerald Laird for those who don't think he looks like said character from BeerFest and if you haven't seen the movie it's time to move out of your cave) so they're more fiscally comfortable, and potentially younger, deeper, and more talented, then I'm completely on board. Look, things are tough right now, but if the Twins can do it with a reduced payroll, why not the Tigers? Hell, I'd rather they do it that way. It's much better than buying a championship like the Yankees have been doing, or trying to do, for the last two decades. Keep the faith Tigers fans, everything is gonna be fine.

As for Matt Stafford...click here and tell me you're not a fan. If you claim to be a football fan and say that after watching the video you're not a Matt Stafford fan and supporter, then you my friend...are an asshole. This is exactly what the Lions have needed since the days of Bobby Layne. A blood and guts, whatever it takes, follow my lead and we're gonna win, type leader at the quarterback position. Are the Lions still 2-10? Yes but c'mon people...there are 22 positions not counting special teams on a football team. Being able to say that you're set at two of them (QB and WR Calvin Johnson is the real deal folks) is not going to help you. We need to at least be shooting .500 and have 11 guys that are halfway decent before we are gonna win. We have a great coach and a mildly better front office...things are gonna change in the next few years I can feel it.

As for the corporate greed that exploits student athletes playing division 1 football in America, better known as the Bowl Championship Series. They screwed it up. That's all there is to say. I 100% agree with Texas and Alabama playing in the mythical "championship" game. Anyone who argues against that probably rode the short bus to school and I did not, so I am not arguing against that. Cincy playing Florida is fine as well. Iowa playing Georgia Tech on the other hand is freaking awful. But not nearly as awful and shady as TCU playing Boise State.

And here is why. TCU and Boise play in non-BCS conferences the Mountain West and the Western Athletic Conference. These two conferences lack the firepower (and cashflow) that the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, PAC-10, and Big East (to a lesser extent) have from top to bottom. New Mexico State would get CRUSHED by teams like Iowa State, Michigan, Washington State, or Duke (maybe) just because they simply have more money and typically better athletes because of the conferences they play in and finished near the bottom of. Since Boise and TCU play teams like New Mexico State and San Jose State, the rest of the country seems to feel as if their 12-0 records don't count and they don't deserve a shot at playing one of the big boys from the BCS conferences in a BCS game. That being said, remember 2006 when Boise State beat Oklahoma in a game where the Sooners were favored by two or more touchdowns in the Fiesta Bowl? Remember last year when Utah beat heavily favored Alabama in the whatever it was Bowl and rightfully claimed that they deserved to be National Champions? Yeah, the BCS decided to nip that little problem in the bud and let the two teams from the weaker conferences with undefeated records play each other so they didn't have to risk an embarassing loss for a BCS conference school like Iowa, Gerogia Tech, or Florida. They also didn't want to risk having potentially 4 undefeated teams at the end of the year, proving what everyone in the world already knows, that the BCS is the biggest bullshit moneymaking ponzi scheme in the history of civilization. TCU and Boise State deserve to play Iowa and Georgia Tech just to prove that just because they play shitbird teams, doesn't mean that they're shitbird teams themselves. And in my honest heart of hearts, I truly believe that TCU could beat Texas, Alabama, Florida, or Cincy. Those teams got absolutely hosed.

Speaking of college football, Brian Kelly and Jim Harbaugh are expected to interview at Notre Dame tomorrow. If Kelly is as smart as I hope he is, he will turn that job down. Notre Dame is where good coaches go to die. That and can you imagine running that pass happy offense in South Bend in November? It's cold as shit in South Bend in November! That'd be a HUGE mistake. Coach Kelly, do us all a favor, stay in Cincy and bring them a National Championship. Don't sell out like I know you probably will.

On a personal note...it's damn good to back. Maybe more tomorrow or the next day.

Oh and there's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt to make up for lost time. Speaking of random hot chicks...I'm gonna need suggestions again for the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports.

Dad Cussed Me Out About Not Blogging

That is probably the greatest headline for any of the 104 (well, 105 after this one) blog posts I've ever thrown up there.

Anyways, I'm back from my mental health hiatus and back to the blogger screen. And the dozen or so people who are fans of this blog rejoice with a stifled yawn.

A lot has happened since the last post so here is a quick rundown...

The Tigers are 3 games back of the Royals (the Royals??) in the division. I went to last Saturday's game against Cleveland (which does not rock) with the roommates with seats that were entirely too good for slaps like us, courtesy of middle brother's girlfriend's dad which is nice. One thing I have to mention is this...am I the only person who still hates Cleveland and people who root for Cleveland? I'm disappointed in the lack of participation in "Cleveland Sucks!" chants after the game. I thought Detroit fans were a little bit meaner than that. It was fun though if I can remember right.

The Wings tied up the series against the Ducks last night with a 6-3 win. Hossa decided to play and netted two goals for the Winged Wheel and that guy called Mule had a nice three point night as well. It seems as if the Wings have finally figured out how to effectively play Anaheim by not sinking to their level and playing actual skilled hockey, which Anaheim is clearly unable to play because they're just a bunch of freakin goons. Usually I love me some goonery but the first three games of this series just really pissed me off. Scrums after every whistle, cheap shots (Mike Brown's cheap shot elbow to Hudler's head for example), and just general dumbassery by Gordon Bombay's Ducks. It was refreshing to see some actual hockey last night.

Z mentioned to me the need for an anti-Brett Favre post. I agree with Z. This Favre nonsense has to stop and it has to stop now! Now, ESPN, I realize it is a slow-ish time in the sports world but to have the always borderline hot Rachel Nichols camping out outside Favre's plantation in Mississippi is the definition of media overkill. Now, let's say Favre does in fact come out of retirement. All this means is another mediocre season for whatever team signs him. As much as I love watching Brett Favre play football, I have to admit his time is up. Brett Favre has no business being an NFL quarterback anymore. It's time for him to hang it up and ride off into the ever fading sunset. And it's time for ESPN to stop reporting on how many times Brett Favre wiped his ass that day, and maybe I dunno, talk about hockey more.

Speaking of hockey. Alexander Ovechkin is far and away my favorite non Red Wing player in the NHL. Watch this video, you'll understand.


One thing I haven't mentioned at all is the NFL Draft. It's been a while but here's what I think about it. The Lions did not screw up the draft nearly as bad as I thought they would. Granted, the Stafford pick will most likely go down as one of the worst picks in NFL history, ranking up there with Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Joey Harrington, and Ryan Leaf. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not. With everyone clamoring for Rey Maulauga or however you spell it with the pick at #20, the Lions surprised everyone and went with Brandon Pettigrew the TE out of Okie State. Personally, I really liked the pick even though an offensive lineman would have probably been the better pick here but in all reality, Pettigrew is an absolute stud and will be a very good NFL tight end. The pick that shocked me even more was the choice of Louis Delmas from Western. I didn't realize he was so highly rated. I watched the kid play throughout his time at WMU and I figured he was a decent player but never thought he was a second round pick. For the sake of the Mid-American Conference, I am really rooting for Delmas to be an absolute badass the likes of Bob Sanders just to show everyone in the country that the MAC is a hell of a conference with some really good football players. Like I said, the Lions didn't do nearly as bad as I thought they would in the 2009 draft but nobody will ever truly know how good or bad this draft class was until about 2012 when the Lions win the Super Bowl, I graduate from college, and the world comes to an end.

In other news that ESPN is really dead horsing, Manny Ramierez got busted for the juice and will have to sit out the next 50 games. Is it just me or does every Scott Boras client abuse the juice? Speaking of Scott Boras juicers, DoucheTard A-Rod is almost ready to come back to the Yanks. I have no opinion other than A-Rod sucks.

Ok, that's it for me. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert. Oh, and we are now taking suggestions for the next Official Hot Chick of TJS. Nominate your hot chicks by commenting and then we'll vote on them.
Good to be back.

Random Acts of Randomness

Apparently Allen Iverson wasn't a good idea at all. Reports are saying he's been essentially banned from the Pistons and, as heard on 97.1 this morning, he's been banned from two of the three downtown casinos. Um, wow.

Unfortunately, the Pistons made the playoffs as the 8th seeded team in the Eastern Conference and will play Cleveland in the first round. This is really a win-win for me because if they win this series it gives Ohio a big FU and if they lose, I don't have to watch, talk, or write about them anymore until they screw up on draft day or fire Michael Curry...whichever happens first (I'm guessing Curry).

Speaking of Pistons, I heard today that Isiah Thomas just took the head coaching job at Florida International University...that's all I have to say about that. It still amazes me how far the Pistons have fallen this season and I'm not sure who to blame. I'm trying not to blame Joe D but...it's hard not to.

Let's talk Lions...no, no let's not. (Mock Draft is soon approaching)

The Tigers are now 4-4 on the year but that's not anything worth talking about. Mark "The Bird" Fidrych passed away on his farm in Massachusetts while fixing a truck. The Bird has long been considered one of the most intruiging men to ever play the game of baseball. I of course never saw him pitch, but I do remember my dad talking fondly of him. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about Mark Fidrych. He was 54. (More on Fidrych from people who actually know what they're talking about here, here, here, here, and here)

On a lighter note, the Tigers play today at 1 against the absolutely hated almost as much as the Tribe, White Sox. Zach Miner got roughed up for 8 runs over 3 1/3 innings. That's just not gonna cut it and I would like to lead the charge to bring Nate Robertson back into the rotation. I mean, it would be good to have a lefty in the rotation right? Maybe? That's just me and what do I know right? Porcello gets the ball today for the Tigers. I have a bet with a buddy of mine that Rick Porcello will win 15 games this season in the Major Leagues...today would be a good day to notch that first one against the hated Palehosers from the Windy City.

The NHL Playoffs start in Detroit on Thursday at 7. The Wings ended up as the #2 seed in the West and will square off with Columbus (yes, Ohio has hockey) in the first round. Full preview of the first round will happen either later tonight or tomorrow. Personally...I like our chances.

I hate the April in the D song more than I hate cancer. I wish I was joking. It's awful and those in charge of it should be fired.

Tigers Live Blog!

My New Most Disliked Tiger

Edwin Jackson was lights out tonight. Absolutely, without question lights freaking out. Until Patterson said, "Keep him in, he's pitching a one hitter."

Of course, next pitch...gone. No more shut out. Otter and I were still optimistic, a two run lead late in the game will give you brief glances of optimism. Bobby Seay came in, faced one batter, got the out and his work was done for the night.

And then...Brandon Lyon happened. Yes, the same Brandon Lyon that gave up back to back to back to back home runs against Boston in spring training. The same Brandon Lyon that occasionally closed for the Diamondbacks last year and was supposed to be the closer for the 09 Tigers. I had my doubts after the Boston Massacre and those doubts were realized tonight.

With two away in the bottom of the 8th Lyon served up a meatball to Aaron Hill who promptly hit the ball half way to Moose Jaw to give the Jays the lead.

Hope was not lost as Inge came up and hit another moonshot to tie the game in the top of the 9th but then Lyon was for some reason left in the game where he loaded the bases and Rod Barajas hit a walk off sac fly to center to end the game.

After a great (spectacular really) start by Jackson, Brandon Lyon lost the Tigers their second game of the season. And in one fell swoop...has earned himself onto my shit list along with Bobby Higginson, Juan Gonzalez, and Fernando F-ing Rodney as my most disliked Tigers of all time.

And wtf Leyland? Why not Perry or hell even Rodney in the 9th? Get gas can Lyon out of the damn game! I know who I'm gonna boo like hell when I make my first trip to Comerica this year.

Brandon Lyon, you suck.

WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!! Opening Day LiveBlog!

News and Notes and Stuff

Porcello is in the rotation, Perry is in the bullpen, and Thames is the DH.

So is this some kind of April Fool's joke on me or something? Everything I wanted the Tigers to do, they did? I like it!

So according to the Freep and the Detroit News and the Tigers' website the Tigers have one more cut to make having to choose between Brent Clevlen and Jeff Larish. Early reports say it will be Larish to take the final roster spot. The only problem I have with this is the fact that Clevlen is out of minor league options and would have to clear waivers for the Tigers to keep him in Toledo and I don't think a player with his potential would clear waivers. The Tigers will most likely try to trade Clevlen before having to lose him to the waiver wire. It's kind of sad but that's how baseball works.

The Free Press reported that the starting rotation will be Verlander, Jackson, Galarraga, Miner, and Porcello (who will most likely be the Comerica Park opening day starter which is kind of bad ass). Robertson, and Seay will be the lefties out of the bullpen with Rincon, Perry, F-ing Rodney, Lyon, and Bonine rounding out the pitching staff. When/if Bonderman gets healthy again and can be effective, this will send Miner back to the pen and could possibly mean Perry goes to Toledo or Erie unless he comes out next week throwing gas and getting outs. The same can be said for Zumaya but, as much as I hate to say this, I'm close to giving up on him. I hope he proves me wrong and can do what he did in 2006 but only time will tell.

The 2009 season starts on Monday at 7:15 in Toronto. Live-ish blog will most likely be happening.

Now for something completely different...

The Pistons are in 7th place in the Eastern Conference. They are two games ahead of 9th place Charlotte. This means I am now a Charlotte Bobcats fan for the rest of the season. I want the Pistons to miss the playoffs, get in the lottery and draft someone useful for next year. Iverson is back and two games after his layoff he's bitching about not playing enough. Joe Dumars...you have failed us as fans and driven the current day Pistons back into the Teal Era Pistons and I am no longer a fan of your team. The hell with it, BRING BACK THE TEAL!!! I'm done with the Detroit Pistons and the NBA as a whole. GO BOBCATS!

Other than Opening Day being 5 days away, the only thing that brings a smile to my face is the Wings. With six games left in the regular season, the Wings have second place in the West locked up and are four points back from San Jose for the President's Cup (awarded to the team with the most points in the regular season and usually a playoff curse). If the season ended today, the Wings would be the second seed in the playoffs and would take on Anahiem in the first round. A matchup that makes me nervous yet confident. It's almost time to grow that playoff beard again!

Oh, and the Lions still suck and will most likely draft Joey Harrington, I mean Matt Stafford with the first pick of the draft. Just what we need, another quarterback that will continue to lead the Lions down the path of ultimate disappointment.

Remember Michigan fans, if you aren't rooting for State this weekend in the Final Four, you're an asshole!
Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Aw Hell....and Other Points of Note

The Tigers released Gary Sheffield this morning. I'm kind of sad about this. I mean, the guy was 1 Home Run away from 500 and the Tigers cut him before he had the chance to get it. I always liked watching Sheff play ball with the Olde English D on his chest, but those days are now over. I hope for nothing but the best for Gary Sheffield.

Now, on a more positive note...THE TIGERS RELEASED GARY SHEFFIELD! Do you realize what this means?? This means Marcus Thames, one of my favorite Tigers in recent history, could be the new everyday DH!! This means BOMBS A FREAKING WAY!!!
That, of course, is my own wishful thinking. In reality, after trading prospect Rudy Darrow to the Braves (what is it with the Tigers constantly trading with Atlanta?) for extremely speedy outfielder Josh Anderson, what we will most likely see is Carlos Guillen taking more days as the DH with Anderson taking his place in Left. This is something that the fan in me disagrees with, but the baseball guy in me thinks could potentially work out. Anderson provides the Tigers with much needed speed on the basepaths AND a left handed bat in a lineup full of right handed hitters. All that is well and good, until I did a little more research on the guy and found out Baseball Prospectus had this to say about him: "Now 26, he's still nothing more than a fifth outfielder." Um, what?

So apparently Anderson kind of sucks? So does this actually mean Marcus Thames could be the every day DH and backup first baseman? Why did they go for Anderson again? Basically I'm saying I have no idea what could happen. Let's just hope my first guess was right about Thames as the DH and he'll hit like 97 home runs this year.

Speaking of the Tigers, what the hell are they gonna do about this starting rotation?? Going into the year, this is what we all had in mind...Verlander, Bonderman, Galarraga, Jackson, and Robertson, Willis, Miner, someone else. Not entirely too bad of a rotation. Now, with injuries and all that, it could look something like this...Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Some guy, and please God please let it be Rick Porcello. Bondo is still not ready and will start the season in the Minor Leagues rehabbing. Willis is on the DL with an anxiety disorder and Robertson, although he has pitched well this spring, sprained the thumb on his pitching hand apparently trying to barehand a throw from second. All I can tell you is this, Rick Porcello needs to be in the starting rotation. I would be perfectly happy with a Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Robertson, and Porcello rotation. Of course, I'm not Jim Leyland so my opinion does not matter.

The bullpen might just be the strongest part of this pitching staff. Eddie Bonine has pitched 14 spring innings and allowed one run and is 3 for 3 in save opportunities. Bobby Seay has a 1.42 ERA in 12.2 innings this spring. Clay Rapada is at 1.64 in 11 innings. Juan Rincon, who is my new favorite as the Tigers closer after Brandon Lyon gave up 4 bombs in a row last week, has pitched flawlessly this spring with no runs allowed in his 12.1 innings. Hell, even Fernando F-ing Rodney has earned the praise of Leyland. But the one wild card I want to throw into the mix is young fireballer Ryan Perry. The 22 year old rookie has a spring ERA of 0.84 in 10.2 innings allowing only one run and striking out 11. If you're Jim Leyland, how in the hell do you not give this kid a plane ticket to Detroit in a few days?

Enough Tiger talk. It's getting me a little too fired up for opening day (April 6th in Toronto, oh and by the way, if Porcello would in fact be the fifth starter, he would be the opening day starter at Comerica Park on April 10th which would be awesome). Let's talk about how my brackets went all "Boom Goes the Dynamite" on me.

In my Final Four, I had Louisville, Memphis, North Carolina, and Pitt. Well, Louisville got beat by State, Memphis by Mizzou, and Pitt by 'Nova. My only remainder is North Carolina. The good news is, they are on the opposite side of the bracket as Michigan State which allows me to root for the Sparties on Saturday.

And how cool is that? How cool is it that the Sparties are in the Final Four at Ford Field? With all the B.S. surrounding the state of Michigan right now, this could turn out to be a much needed distraction. And I can tell you this, I am a life long Michigan fan but I will guaran-damn-tee you I will be pulling for State with no hesitation at all. And for all you Michigan fans out there, if you are not rooting for State, you are assholes. Sometimes you just have to root for what's right and right now, being a State fan for a weekend is just the right thing to do. And if you have a problem with me saying this, then you are the asshole Michigan fans I am referring to right now.

Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Sparty On!

Spring is in the Air

As I sit in this mundane computer lab on the campus of Eastern Michigan University, I look out the window to see something amazing...the sun. It's a beautiful day and I'm stuck inside for the duration with class and homework and most importantly to you my readers, blog time. But yes, spring is in the air even though it's only the 10th of February and Mother Nature's cocktease will eventually end and we'll be back to 8 degree days with -75 wind chill and everyone will be miserable again. But blue balls aside, the weather is great for now.

Sitting in class earlier this morning I found some random things that piss me off and need to be brought to people's attention.

Ladies, I know it's warmer out than it was before, but c'mon, there's no need to wear that mini skirt you got for Christmas from your ex stripper for a mom. Especially when you're pushing 250 pounds. When you're that big, sweat pants should make up at least 95% of your wardrobe with the other 5% being more sweats. Fat chicks with not enough clothing...not a good look. Ever. However, if you can rock the mini skirt without showing your ass and thigh dimples, then by all means...rock it. (Basically I'm saying all hot chicks need to wear less clothes when it's warm out. It's a good thing for everyone involved.)

Just because you're in a classroom filled with computers, doesn't mean you can Facebook Chat for the duration of class. There is nothing more annoying than trying to pay attention to an instructor talking about something borderline important while trying not to yell at the stupid broad sitting next to you for being exactly that, a stupid broad. PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!

The prof this morning said some people didn't put their names on an assignment...what is this 3rd grade? How do these people get into college?

I swear to God if I have to answer another question because I'm the only person that has the stones to speak up in class I'm going to blow my brains out. I don't want to sound like a know it all but when the teacher asks a question and everyone just sits there like zombies, it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world and I have to be the guy to speak up because I can't take the awkward silence anymore. Even if I say something totally ridculous and wrong, at least I had the balls to make the classroom environment tolerable. I'm not the smartest guy in the class, but if I don't answer the questions nobody will. I hate that shit.

Oh and another thing, when you're in a computer lab or library or class do me a favor and set your phone to vibrate. Nobody wants to hear your new Young Jeezy ringtone every time you get a text or your boyfriend calls. Time to grow up assholes!

I was lying in bed last night (insert Varsity Blues moment) and couldn't sleep (weird right?) so I flipped on the TV. While surfing through the channels I stumbled across the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. They were judging the Terrier breeds when I realized that the announcers for this thing thought even the ugliest looking dog was absolutely breathtaking. There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is and when you see a dog that looks weird, telling the people that the thing just looks weird. And the people at MSG absolutely LOVE the dog show and cheer like it's a Knicks game (except there were people there). Maybe it's like the Kentucky Derby and people just go there to get hammered and yell at the dogs. Oh and the Scottish Terrier won best in show for the Terrier group. I would love to live blog the dog show. I'm not sure why.

Ok, enough of the random silliness, let's talk about spring stuff like baseball.

In case you've been living in a cave with no TV, radio, or print media, A-Rod fessed up to juicing during his Texas Ranger years. He was the first of 104 players who tested positive when MLB randomly tested 300 players in 2003, to be outed by reporters. Apparently there was a code list and then there was a key to the code list and two reporters from Sports Illustrated (Selena Roberts and David Epstein) were able to get their hands on the list or something of the sort. Either way, A-Rod is the only name to be released thus far and I'm sure there will be more big names to come. Who will those names be? Well I can only guess but I'll say Pudge, Richie Sexson, Bonds (no shit?), Clemens (again, no shit?) and Adrian Beltre will be names on that list. Why? There is no science to coming up with those names other than looking at the league leaders and noticing how some of them dropped off the face of the earth and then just randomly guessing. But those are my guesses. Journalistic credibility be damned. That and it's not like anyone important read this thing anyway.

That being said, pitchers and catchers report in 2 days and I have to say, I'm kind of psyched about it. I know the season doesn't start for a long time yet but there's just something about the start of spring training that gives me the ability to take a deep breath and start getting optomistic about the Tigers again. As I've previously mentioned in this space, last year I was a little too optimistic about the Tigers but I had a right to be. We all did. It just so happened that Bondo almost died, Verlander and the Gambler imploded, Zoomie got hurt again, Pudge was a disaster, D-Train suddenly forgot how to throw (like the time Peter Griffin forgot how to sit down), and Edgar Renteria was a complete bust (just like I said he would be). Basically, everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

This year, maybe things will be different. Leyland has a new defense first philosophy and I can see the Tigers going to a more small ball approach in the later half of the lineup with Inge and Everett and Laird down there who aren't exactly hitters. The bullpen will still be an issue but was shored up with the acquisition of "worth to be determined in July" closer Brandon Lyon. Zoomie is not likely to be back before opening day so that leaves set up duties to Fernando F-ing Rodney and I dunno let's say Bobby Seay or someone of that nature. Either way, set up will probably be an issue this year unless Rodney gets his head out of his ass which is something I've hoped for, for about three seasons now.

Time will tell and it's entirely too early to get worked up about anything Tigers related until the home opener on Friday, April 10th. I'm glad it's on a Friday...no classes on Fridays. That's just good scheduling. Maybe we'll have to organize a Tobacco Juice Readers field trip to the Comerica Park area (yeah, like we'll all get tickets for opening day) for opening day...I think it's a good idea. Click on the poll so I can gauge your interest and make t-shirts that nobody will buy.

The Chronicles of Wayne Smith

There ya go Wayne. You're mentioned in the blog.

Hi! Hello, and how are you? So the laptop I had was reclaimed by its rightful owner and the computer labs on campus aren't exactly condusive for creativity but whatever. I'll find a way to get this shit going again.

So I'm watching SportsCenter this morning and then switched it to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 which was followed by Cold Pizza, I mean First Take. It was at that point that I realized something very profound...

ESPN SUCKS!!!

Yeah, I said it. It goes against all I believe in but damnit, ESPN's morning programming has turned into an absolute abomination. What's wrong with it? Well I could just say it sucks but that doesn't quite do it justice.

The SportsCenter LIVE experiment is an absolute failure if you ask me. Hanna Storm and the other guy are just terrible together. I would much rather just watch the previous night's SportsCenter on repeat all morning instead of listening to two mono toned slaps read the same highlights over and over. And it seems sometimes that they have no understanding of how the game on the highlight actually works. They spend the entire morning blowing Lebron and Kobe and the Celtics and then a hockey highlight will sneak in there and they absolutely butcher it. I hate to tell you folks...but hockey is passing the Association in the ratings. Maybe Hanna and Doucher should read up on it a little bit. And don't get me started on ESPN's coverage of college hoops. You talk about overkill...holy shit. It's on EVERY DAMN NIGHT!! I know it's winter and ESPN doesn't have an NHL contract but holy Christ...a guy can only watch Duke play and then listen to the talking heads talk about it for so long before he wants to blow his brains out. There is literally nothing good I can say about SportsCenter LIVE. It's horrible. Just horrible.

Equally as bad yet mildly more entertaining is Mike and Mike in the Morning. Now, I have to tell you that yes, I do occasionally like to listen to this show when I'm getting ready in the morning. However, I've noticed that MAMITM is nothing more than a low calorie version of SportsCenter with very mildly entertaining interviews thrown in. The only time it's watchable is when Golic is hungover and is tired of listening to Greenie's whining about God knows what.

Cold Pizza, or First Take as it's now known, is just shitty. It was ok as Cold Pizza but they found a way to make it nearly unwatchable. I have to say, when the annoying old dude and the Jemele Smith get on there to debate topics, it makes me wonder if Smith has even participated or even watched an actual athletic competition. It's a joke and ESPN needs to realize this and do something about it. The only way to fix it is to get Erin Andrews or someone of equal or greater hotness to be on the show every morning. Now THAT is something I'd wake up to.

And when you think about it, is there a better actual talent in the ESPN stable of reporters than Erin Andrews? Take away the rediculously hot factor and you STILL have a GREAT reporter who asks the right questions to the right people every time. She could save ESPN's morning programming. I'd much rather watch that than turn on a college basketball game and hope she might interview somebody.

So that's what I think about ESPN. They are too basketball heavy and they are constantly looking to cause some sort of controversy with their reporting. Like the reports today that the Texans were having contact drills during a mini camp last year. FOOTBALL IS A CONTACT SPORT YOU DIPSHITS! So what if it's in the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA? First of all, it was a pass rush/pass pro drill...ummm how can you NOT come into contact when you're doing that? Isn't that the point of pass pro? To get hands on and try to defeat or complete a block on the opposing player? There is no need to stir up controversey about that. If the players were that concerned with it, they would have sat out of the drill. And what kind of player would you be if you sat out a drill in mini camp because you thought it was too much contact? You wouldn't be in the league very long. ESPN needs to quit raking the muck and start reporting on actual sports news.

That being said, National Letter of Intent day was Wednesday and apparently everyone did very well. Which leads me to my next gripe...RIVALS recruiting service. Rivals makes its money off of kids who pay them to promote them. They send film and are assigned a ranking of 5-0 stars. Jimmy Claussen was a 5 star recruit out of high school. How's he doing? Exactly. On the other hand, Mike Hart who holds every rushing record at Michigan was a three star guy. Other three stars or lower were Pat White and Steve Slaton. Yeah, they turned out ok didn't they? Rivals pumps these kids up to be superstars before they even take a collegiate snap and that is unfair to all parties involved. Then you take ESPN and their signing day coverage and you create an absolute mess for these kids. Yeah, I'm sure the attention is cool and all but what if they don't win the Heisman? Are they failures as players if they don't dominate at the collegeiate level right after high school? Some idiots think so. I don't. They're just kids, they don't need all this attention. It's ruining college sports.

I'm going to talk very briefly about the Pistons...they suck. I don't watch the games but when I see the highlights or read about it in the papers (the online papers)I can't help but long for the good old days when the Pistons were, "Going To Work" but now they can see a teammate get raped by a goon from Boston and not even bat an eye about it. You try to do that with Mahorn, Rodman, Laimbeer or even Ben Wallace on the floor...you're gonna be missing some teeth if you pull a stunt like that. This team has no fight left in it. Sheed is a joke, the AI experiment has failed and Rip isn't at all what he used to be. They don't play defense anymore and they rank in the bottom five of the league in every offensive category. Something must be done. But at the same time, I hate to say I told you so. When they traded Chauncey away, the traded the heart and soul of the team with it. Now you have five individuals out there who don't give a shit anymore. It's sad when you think about it. It was 5 years ago that they were the second coming of the Bad Boys. Now they're just bad.

The Wings aren't fairing very well either. I was listening to 97.1 the other day and people were saying that Ozzie's time is up and they need to either trade for a goalie to take them to the Cup or let Conklin take over. I'm not opposed to letting Conklin get a few more starts here and there but you have to remember, Ozzie has won the Wings two cups and has been historically stellar in the playoffs. Sure, his numbers aren't very good right now but that can be attributed to the guys playing in front of him. If the blue liners aren't stopping the attack and leaving Ozzie out to dry every night, you're not going to be very successful. I have all the confidence in the world that they will turn it around here soon. Remember, about this time last year they went and lost like 9 games or so in a row, I'm not too worried about it just yet. Everything will fall into place and Kenny Holland will do what's best for the team.

The Tigers avoided arbitration by signing Verlander to a one year deal. If he doesn't bounce back, he won't be a Tiger in 2010, you can be sure of that. Oh and here's a radical idea...Manny is still available...why not take a shot at him right? Guy hits .350 with 120 RBI a season...I'll take the antics for a season of that. But that's just me talkin and I know it won't happen nor to I truly want it to.

The Lions...well...let's not talk about the Lions.

I hereby pledge to write in this blog at the very least two times a week from here on out. Bear with me and buy some T-Shirts from the store to help me buy a new laptop. Drink Up Bitches! T-shirts are great for St. Patty's day!

School Daze and The Lifting of the Tigers Embargo

Still being a student at my age still has some benefits. Apart from the actual pursuit of a higher education, going to EMU blesses my life in ways that typically cannot be found in any other spectrum. I'm not saying that I love going to class every day and all that nonsense, I'm talking purely about the sarcastic blessings I get to see on a daily basis. Things like showing up late to class and having the professor pat you on the back and say, "Good morning Mr. Cole, glad you could join us." (To which I replied, "Good morning Dr. Quiel, yeah I haven't seen 8 AM in about two weeks." which gave the class a nice early morning chuckle) Also, I love seeing the ridiculous things people wear when it's butt ass cold outside. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate when girls don't wear a whole hell of a lot of clothes but at the same time, I don't want to hear you complain about how cold it is when you're wearing booty shorts and a pair of Uggs. Seeing the random person who shows up 45 minutes late to class and starts asking questions and causing the rest of us to stay for the whole allotted time instead of busting out early, classic. Another thing I really like to do is eat lunch in the band building on campus. Few things in life are more entertaining than seeing a bunch of band geeks congregate with each other and talk about anime and other nerdy things. Always puts a smile on my face. On a more serious note, I really like when an instructor gives the class an assignment to create a blog to put news stories on. This is beneficial to me because...well c'mon, are you not reading why this is beneficial to me right now? Basically this is a warning, if you start seeing random serious "news" stories on here, it's an assignment for a class and not a move to being a "journalist." I have never claimed any sort of journalistic credibility nor will I. The purpose of this blog has always been to entertain you, my dozen or so readers, and to give me some sort of creative outlet in my annoyingly hectic yet boring life. That being said...let's talk about something completely different.

It is currently January 6th, 2009 and my self imposed grounding from writing about the Tigers is over so let's talk some baseball!! It appears that Dombrowski and Illitch have learned their lesson about trying to buy a championship from last season and have reverted back to the ways that remind me of simpler times. They've resorted to signing gritty white dudes again! To replace Pudge behind the dish, the Tigers acquired Gerald Laird from Texas and Matt Treanor from Florida. Laird is a career .255 hitter with 25 home runs and 136 RBI. Not exactly eye popping stats but Laird has a reputation for having a ROCKET for an arm and defensive skills that could eventually lead to a Gold Glove at some point. Barring injury Laird will be the every day catcher for the Tigers in 2009. Treanor on the other hand will serve as a more than capable backup for Laird. Treanor is a career .237 hitter with 8 home runs and 36 RBI, again not eye popping numbers but the biggest thing Treanor brings to the table is the fact that he is married to Misty May-Treanor of beach volleyball and Dancing With the Stars fame. Hopefully she'll show up at a few games and I can buy her a beer and talk about her catastrophic Achilles tendon injury suffered while ballroom dancing. Probably not but still, how awesome would that be?

Another great pickup by the Tigers this offseason was short stop Adam Everett. Everett is known for his range and arm strength and not at all for what he can do with the bat (career .246 hitter with 37 HR and 236 RBI). Everett will give the Tigers arguably the best defensive left side of the infield when combined with Brandon Inge back at the hot corner. Defense was a problem for the Tigers last season and these pickups should help fix that problem. The only thing I worry about is Inge and Everett diving for the same ball in the gap and slamming their heads together which, given each player's penchant for making the spectacular play, is a distinct possibility.

Another area in which the Tigers struggled last season was pitching. From the starters to the closers, the Tigers were, simply put, not good. Things for the staff seemed to cannonball when Bondo had to get that rib removed and was declared out for the season early on last year. The Tigers acquired relatively young Edwin Jackson (who was born in Germany oddly enough) from the Devil Rays, I mean Rays for former Official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports Matt Joyce. Of course, my initial reaction to the trade was something along the lines of MFing the Tigers for trading away a young player with a powerful bat and decent glove (remember Cameron Maybin?) for an unproven starting pitcher. After calming down and thinking about it 30 seconds later, I realized that it could potentially be a great deal for a great pitcher. To use the term I've used about eight times so far in this post, Jackson's stats aren't exactly eye popping. Last season, his second as a full time starter, Jackson posted a 4.42 ERA with 108 strikeouts over 183.1 innings and a 14-11 record. However, Jackson was solid enough in the second half of the season (10-4 with a 3.43 ERA) to give the impression that he can shore up the Tigers rotation and prove to be another good, young arm in the arsenal.

As for the rotation, the Tigers have 4 of the 5 spots solidified with Bondo, Verlander, Jackson, and pleasant surprise Armando Galarraga. The fifth spot will most likely be determined during spring training and could be filled by typically solid yet extremely average Zach Miner or the hopefully rebounding Dontrelle Willis or Nate Robertson who both suffered abysmal seasons in 2008. I wish I could tell you who it is going to be but I can tell you that I hope Dontrelle can find the plate again this off season and returns to the pitcher he was earlier in his career.

The bullpen is what worries me the most about the Tigers' pitching staff and it has been a question mark for years now. The main problem is the Tigers have no real closer. Rodney is a trainwreck and has been for three seasons now. Zumaya is coming off an injury and is just now starting to just pick up a baseball and might not be ready for the start of spring training. Freddy Dolsi is an option but is better in the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings in my opinion. Bobby Seay, let's skip him. With no other definite closers left on the market, I will throw a radical idea out there for the Tigers' closing spot. Nate Robertson. That's right. Nate has always been a great pitcher his first time through opponent's lineups but once they get a bead on his delivery and whatnot, he is extremely hittable. Why not just eliminate the first 8 innings of a game for Nate and let him come in and get three outs and a save in the 9th? It's an idea the Tigers are reportedly mulling over but I still see it as a longshot even though personally, I love the idea.

On the whole, are the Tigers contenders in 2009? For me to make any sort of prediction right now would be asinine and borderline reckless. That and last year about this time I was singing the praises of the Tigers and all but guaranteeing at least a Central Division title and instead, the Tigers finished last in the Central and were right there with the overspending Yankees (more on those assholes and their lack of the concept of money later) watching everyone else play in October. Could this season be special? Well, with the much improved defense and seemingly improved pitching staff with a healthy Bondo, it certainly could be. My main concern is this, Carlos Guillen being moved out to left field. Leyland keeps saying that playing out there will take less of a toll on his aging body and allow him to be more productive at the plate. If that proves true, the upper half of the lineup could potentially be strong to very strong. The lineup will look something like this...
1. Granderson CF
2. Polanco 2B
3. Cabrera 1B
4. Ordonez RF
5. Guillen LF
6. Sheffield/Thames/Random Power Hitting White Dude DH
7. Laird C
8. Everett SS
9. Inge 3B
Can you win with this lineup? Absolutely. Will you win with this lineup? How the hell should I know? It's January 6th and I'm just a dude with a laptop and some time to kill.

Preview for Tomorrow - 10 reasons why new Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Ron English WILL NOT FAIL...and assistant coach hirings.

I Have a Sports Blog. Wait....What???

First of all, I just wanna say....


Ok ok ok, let me start off apologizing for not at least explaining my abrupt leave of absence from this blog read by a little less than a dozen people worldwide. I'll keep it vague because the details are mildly boring. The reason I haven't written in about 4 months is because I have been working with the football team at Eastern Michigan University as defensive quality control, which is a fancy name for "Otter's Assistant" and/or "the guy who breaks down all the film and tends to fall asleep on the job." Either one will work. So that's the reason I have been gone for so long and for the 7 people that noticed, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Now...what did I miss?

Oh right, the greatest disappointment in the history of baseball. The 2008 Detroit Tigers. I'm not going to hit on this too hard because I watched exactly 2/3 of an inning of baseball from August till the end of the season and talking about it after not seeing it would be a slight ethical dilemma for me. I do know this, all summer long I told everyone I talked to about it that they still have a shot, that this team had all the firepower they needed to still make a run late. Well, that run never came and they folded like a cheap wallet in late August.

So of course, the question must be asked. Who's to blame here? I don't have the answer to that, BUT I can tell you who's NOT to blame.

It's not Leyland's fault. Now, when I say this, you all must understand that I would support Jim Leyland no matter what he does. He could go to Mott's Children Hospital and punch babies on the weekends, or go to the pound and kick small puppies and I would still say, "hey, he's still doing a good job." Much like the way I feel about Joe Paterno. He cannot do anything wrong. These guys are essentially the Pope.

It's not Cabrera's fault. The guy lead the American League in home runs in a ballpark that's only slightly smaller than Metro Airport. You can't blame him at all and for all you assholes that said he was overrated, fat, and lazy can shut your goddamned pieholes. He's not overrated.

It's not Inge's fault. What do you want from this guy? Dombrowski trades for a hot young third baseman and leave's Brandon out to dry and he kept on playing. They moved the youngster to first and Guillen to third, he kept on playing. They traded Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth (still the "Ok, I surrender" move of the season) and he went back to playing catcher. Anyone who can deal with that sort of nonsense deserves exactly zero percent of the blame. Also, isn't it weird that we have one of the best third basemen in the league playing behind the dish instead of at the corner? I'm just saying.

It's not Jonesy's fault. He was borderline lights out earlier in the year when he was actually put into save situations. Now he's out of baseball and we have Captain Gasoline Fernando Fucking Rodney as our closer until Zumaya gets healthy which should be sometime in 2015 or so when he makes his first comeback attempt. For some reason, as much as I hated watching Todd Jones, he sure was fun to watch. I hope he enjoys his retirement and reads this and gets me a job at the Sporting News.

It's not Dombrowski's fault...YET. Dombrowski had the go ahead from the Illitch's to make a big move this past off season and that's what he did bringing in a big time hitter and a pitcher who's control has fallen directly off the face of the Earth. Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin were the future of the franchise here in Detroit and we just kind of mortgaged the future to win now. If for some reason Dontrelle doesn't return to form (or at least get back to being a capable starter here and there) then we can put the blame on Dombrowski. As soon as Maybin and Miller make their first All Star team together, or win their first NLDS with the Marlins next season (yeah, I'm calling it) that's when we look at Dombrowski and say, "What the hell was THAT Dave?"

OK, enough with the Tigers it's pissing me off. In fact, that is the last mention of the Tigers in 2008. The topic of the Tigers is grounded until January 1st, 2009.

Let's talk instead about a topic that will REALLY piss me off. As a life long Michigan fan, I am disappointed with the team's lack of winning this season. Who wouldn't be? They lost to State at home yesterday but oddly enough, I'm ok with it. I believe in RichRod and once he and his guys get used to each other and he gets his players in, everything will be full systems go in Ann Arbor. I'm not at all pissed off about Michigan. Eastern however is another story...

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday after a 22 point drubbing from Ball State (who WILL NOT lose this season, yeah, they're that good) and we got around to talking about the losing culture of Eastern Michigan Football. Eastern has not had a winning season since 1995. That's 13 straight seasons of losing more games than you've won. First of all, how is that even possible? How is it possible for such mediocrity to take over an entire university. When did losing become an OK thing to do? The guys play their asses off every week...

(I had a lot of other stuff typed in this area but decided it was a bad idea to publish it right now so here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert instead.)


(Oh, and here's another picture that Patterson gave me and told me to put on here)



We were at Ball State yesterday. They're #20 in the nation right now and they have a head coach who is also their defensive coordinator. He jumps around during a game, he hugs his guys after big plays, he gets after his players in a constructive way when they make mistakes, hell, Hoke even SIGNALS the plays himself. Bill Cubit, the head coach at Western Michigan, calls the offensive plays from the sideline. Not as excitable as Brady Hoke, but still a fired up guy who loves his players. Butch Jones at Central, extremely excitable guy...calls his own plays. There are two common denominators here, these three head coaches call their own plays yes, but these three head coaches are absolutely adored by their players and they routinely win year after year after year. Coincidence?

Nope.

End Of An Era

Pudge just got traded to the Yankees (yes, the FUCKING YANKEES) for Kyle Farnsworth.

I just read about it five seconds ago and don't have a whole lot of time to write about it right now. More on this and other stuff later.

I'm kind of sad right now not gonna lie.

We traded a first ballot hall of famer...

For a guy who is still in the league because he's been in some pretty sweet fights...


Great.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear America,
How am I the only person outraged by this story about the Greenwich, Connecticut teenagers who built a Wiffle Ball stadium and pissed off a bunch of snobby ass rich people? What kind of country are we living in now days? Some kids build a wall and throw some bases down to play wiffle ball and everyone reacts as if they built a freakin meth lab or something. And what's worse is the fact that lawyers are getting involved now. The kids have lawyered up, the town has lawyered up, the snobby ass rich people have also gotten their lawyer friends invovled, the whole thing is just turning into an absolute shitshow. I realize that the kids probably should have built it say, in their yard or something as opposed to a public place but at the same time, wouldn't the town be kind of happy to see something like that? If the town of Grass Lake built a wiffle ball "stadium" like that, I would personally be thrilled to the point of staging an all night wiffle ball marathon tournament. I know the city of Greenwich is kind of in a tough spot as some dude broke his leg in a public park, sued the city and won millions of dollars in a settlement, but that doesn't mean that they have to wrap the entire town in bubble wrap so nobody will get a boo-boo. They're kids, if they get hurt, it's no big deal. Like my Dad once said, "No balls, no babies." It's time to let your balls drop America and quit being such a pussy about everything.
LET THEM PLAY!
Cole

Dear Billy Packer,
I have to say this, you've never been one of my favorites. You have been announcing the NCAA Tournament for something along the lines of 28 years and CBS has finally cut ties with you. Will I miss your nonsensical ramblings during the games you're involved in? Probably. Will I miss the bitching and moaning you did before, during, and after the tournament? Probably not. The good news for you is that ESPN will probably hire you because well, the World Wide Leader is all about ratings and crazy old men going on rants about this and that usually equal great ratings. Clark Kellog is going to take your spot with Jim Nantz or whoever for the tournament. Talk about a bad trade...
Keep your head up Billy,
Cole

Dear Tigers Fans,
The All Star Break is here. The Tigers are sitting at .500 on the year after being as many as 12 games under that mark earlier in the year. As I have said before, if the Tigers are at .500 at the break, everything could probably be all right. The only problem is that Chicago is still 7 games ahead. That means that over the course of the rest of the season, the Tigers need to win every time the Sox lose. The only way the Tigers make the playoffs this season is if they win the Division. Keep the faith everybody. It'll take quite a run to make it, but it's a run this team is capable of making.
Keep the faith,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
You need to make a run here and it needs to happen sooner than later. Here is how you can do it. First of all, you need to trade Edgar Renteria, a prospect (NOT MATT JOYCE) and whoever else you can find for a different shortstop or another starting pitcher (Erik Bedard from Seattle maybe?). If you can't get a better shortstop, you need to put Carlos back at short where he was decent and put Inge back at third. I know it would be difficult to pull that off, but it would be nice to have that side of the infield back the way it was. I hate to say i told you so about Renteria. It was just a bad idea. Has he done some good things? Yes. Is he capable of producing big numbers the rest of the year? Not in the way you need him to. I never thought I would say this, but Omar Infante would be nice to see at the shortstop position again. Speaking of lack of production, was I the only one who noticed how well the Tigers played with Sheff on the DL and out of the lineup? Doesn't that kind of jump off the page at you? Don't get me wrong, I really like Sheff and want to see him do well, but it's just not happening anymore. It's time to put the dog down. As for everything else, keep the gritty white guy trio of Clete, Joyce, Larish, and Rayburn around as long as possible. Their Blue Collar style of play is a breath of fresh air for this team that seemed removed from how Detroit fans expect their guys to play. Gritty, hardworking, playing to win on every play. I love it, don't change it. Keep playin ball guys, everything will work itself out how it is supposed to.
Love,
Cole


Dear Matt Joyce,
Congratulations on being the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports! Hopefully you won't soon be the official Mud Hen of Tobacco Juice Sports.
Don't Go a Changin,
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
Do you believe in Now? That's the worst slogan I've ever heard for a season ticket blitz before the season. Anything else would have been better. Hell, "Come watch us not suck as much as usual" would be better than what you have now. Use your heads you fuckin morons.
Cole

Dear Brett Favre,
Brett, dude, you're my favorite football player of all time. That being said, I don't think watching you play with any other team would be worth my time of effort. Unless it was with the Lions. Stay retired Brett. Just, just stay retired.
Seriously,
Cole

Tigers Live(ish) Blog

I was going to write up a Ball State football preview but then I realized that nobody that reads this blog gives a rat's ass about Ball State so I am stirring up different ideas instead. Probably a game by game preview of Eastern Michigan Football instead since all the other teams in the MAC are pretty much lame. Unless you, my dear readers, want a team by team preview, then I will in fact do that. Let me know eh?

Kenny on the bump for this matinee shot against the newly hated Minnesota Twins. I say newly hated because with as shitty as the Tribe is now (15 games back from the Pale Hosers and in the cellar of the Central, this makes me happy in the pants. Suck it Cleveland.) I just figured that I might as well hate on the team directly above the Tigers in the standings. Going into today, the Tigers are 7 games back from Chicago and 3.5 back from the Twins. Needless to say, this four game set going into the All Star break is beyond crucial. A sweep would put the Tigers up by half a game on the Twins, but I'm not at all expecting a sweep. Just play good. That's all I really want.

It's Christmas in July at the CoPa today which means the guys in the bullpen are wearing Santa Hats. Cute guys, cute. Rogers looks good after the top half of the first as he retires the side in order. Too early to get excited, but it could be a good day.

Kevin Slowey takes the hill for the Twins and he wins the prize for most unfortunate name for a pitcher I've seen this year. Grando does a hell of a job leading off as he flies out to Nick Punto (Punto is the Spanish word for Whore, just wanted to say it) just beyond the infield dirt. Punto getting some early work in today as Polanco, fresh off his swearing in as an American citizen, grounds out to short. Guillen earns a walk and Cabrera grounds out to second to end the inning.

Last night I started watching the game against the Tribe as it started at 7. Bonine pitched like he had never seen a baseball before (he is now playing for AA Erie after consecutive train wreck outings) and the Tribe jumped out to a quick 6-0 lead. Naturally, I turned off the game and went about my business which involved, well...nothing really but I just couldn't bear to watch the blowout to the worst team in the division. I get a text at about 9:30 or so from Twatty that reads "FUCK YEAH!!" and I immediately turn to the game where the Tigers have tied it up with one out in the 7th. Sensing that big things were happening, I continue to watch the game only to see the routine 6-4-3 double play happen 30 seconds into my viewing. It was at that moment where I text Twatty back and tell him that I'm a jinx and will not watch the rest of the game. Of course, the rest is history now as Miggy hits an absolute LASER to the Tigers bullpen to win the game and sweep the two game set against Cleveland. Now, had I kept watching the game, I'm not sure it would have happened. Sometimes you just have to know when to turn the game off, especially if the second you join in, something bad happens. Masten used to always tell me I was a jinx. Sometimes I think he's right.

Marcus Thames is in the lineup today. Marcus is an every day player for any other team in the league not named the Red Sox and yet, the Tigers still cling to the myth that Gary Sheffield still has it. It baffles the mind sometimes. Sure enough Marcus stays productive as I type this and hits a bloop single into left. Just as any thoughts of a possible run creep into my thoughts, recent call up Jeff Larish hits a shot down to first where Justin Morneau makes a great play, steps on first, fires to second where Punto (remember, Spanish for whore) apparently tags Marcus out for the unconventional double play. Inning over and it's time for a microwaved hot dog and glass of water for lunch. Much more to come...

What the hell just happened? A guy leaves for a minute to microwave a hotdog, comes back and it's suddenly 2-0 Twins. Looking back on MLB Gameday, Rogers gave up a lead off double, then a triple, and then a single which results in a score of 2-0. Sonofabitch. Luckily as I sit down the Tigers settle down and get out of the inning without any more problems. I am really starting to dislike Minnesota.

I just saw a Detroit Lions commercial that almost made me shoot hot dog out of my nose. "Do you believe in NOW?" Honestly? No, I do not believe in NOW. Speaking of horrible. Rod and Mario were just joined in the booth by Santa Paws. And Mario asks Paws a question. MASCOTS DON'T TALK!! BAD INTERVIEW!! Mario quickly redeems himself as he says, "That's the best two minutes in Detroit television history right there." That is why we have the best commentating team in the business, they know when they are being retarded and make fun of themselves for it.

Pudge strikes out looking and is probably going to be kicked out of the game at some point today after a long stare and probably cursing at the home plate umpire. Yeah, he's for sure going to get booted, just give it time.

You know what I love about warm day games in Detroit? The dirty downriver trash comes out in droves. This usually means that the overweight girls with skinny boyfriends are at the ball park and are typically all over the TV screen. There is nothing sexier than a girl in a tanktop with the fat overlapping the straps. Hawwwwwt.

Santiago (great to see him back in the Olde English D) draws a walk on a questionable 3-2 pitch and Granderson follows that up with a double into the left-center field gap which in turn scores Ramon. Polanco kills the rally with a pop out to Punto. HIT THE BALL ON THE GROUND!! Guillen up with two out and a runner in scoring position and as you would expect the Tigers' lone All Star representative to do, he...grounds out to second to end the inning. That'll happen. Comerica Bank believes in you, your future, your business. I hate that commercial. Chris Shelton is still Steve Yzerman's Tiger.

Morneau leads off the top of the 4th with a double down the right field line. Kenny is starting to piss me off. That and the guy takes for freakin ever to pitch a game. Watching Kenny Rogers pitch in person is like watching a grammar jamboree live but with less excitement. My favorite Ex-Tiger in the world Craig Monroe hammers a line drive right at Santiago at short for the first out then Delmon Young (was it Delmon or Delwyn that threw the bat at the ump?) grounds out to first, moving Morneau to third. Harris grounds out to Santiago to strand the runner at third. As much as I hate watching Kenny pitch, I have to say that he is good at what he does.

Great commercial by Casino Windsor, sorry, Caesar's Windsor, featuring a hot blonde chick in lingerie on a bed after you won big at the tables. So you're saying if I win 50 bucks Canadian playing blackjack that I'll automatically get a hot blonde chick waiting for me in my room? That's awesome.

Bottom of the fourth, one away after Cabrera can of corned out to right, Matt Joyce steps in. I have to say, I love what the Tigers are doing with these gritty white dudes from Toledo. I especially love it right now as Matt Joyce hits a freaking BOMB into the right field bleachers to tie the game. Joyce has 7 homers this season in sporadic playing time at the Major League level. Matt Joyce is campaigning very hard to be the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports. Thames up next and hits to monster foul balls to left then hits a hot shot at Punto who then throws the ball into the fifth row behind first putting Thames at second with gritty white dude Jeff Larish at the plate. Larish is batting .195 with one homer this season in the majors, now he's batting close to .200 as he singles into right center and picks up his 8th big league RBI as Thames scores without a throw. Tigers take the lead. Larish is batting .368 with runners on base and .048 with the bases empty, and that is GREAT STAT WORK by the guys in the Fox Sports Detroit truck. Pudge comes to the plate and promptly goes down 0-2, fouls off one, then lines into right for another base hit. Santiago hits one out to the wall for a 2 run double and I almost kind of hope that Renteria is going to the 15 day DL so Ramon can stay in the lineup. Slowey is um slowly losing it out there on the mound and can't find the plate yet against Granderson. Curtis has swung at and fouled off ball four three times in this at bat and then grounds out to Punto for the second out. Polanco bails out Grando by blooping a single into center to score Santiago and give the Tigers 5 runs thus far in the bottom of the fourth. Guillen keeps the train rolling with a single down the first baseline and just like that, here comes Rod Gardenhire to end Slowey's day which is too bad, I really liked it when he was pitching. Wallside Windows can do that, they are the factory.

New pitcher for the Twins is Craig Breslow. In 19 games, opponents are batting just .197 against him. The first thing he does is throw over to first, Guillen isn't going anywhere dipshit just pitch to Cabrera. He does and Miguel hits a towering fly ball to right which is....caught in overly dramatic fashion on the warning track to end the inning. 5 run 4th for the Tigers and a 4 run lead going into the fifth. Let's take an inning off...my fingers hurt.

Ok, a lot happened in the fifth inning but at the same time nothing happened. Larish threw Punto out at the plate (oh and by the way, Punto is NOT the Spanish word for whore, Puto or Puta is, my bad) and Pudge gunned a guy out stealing third to get Kenny out of a jam. In the bottom half the Tigers loaded the bases but didn't score. Like I said, a lot happened, but nothing really happened.

There is a debate brewing between some broad and I about what a person should do after catching a home run from an opposing team. I automatically go with the tradition of throwing that bitch back to discourage any more opposing home run balls from making it to the stands. She on the other hand swears that she would keep it as a souvenir which is absolutely absurd to me. I realize that catching a home run is usually a once in a lifetime chance and that it would be really cool to do that. However, there are only a few reasons to keep a home run ball hit to you. Keep the homer ball if it is hit by your team, if it is a milestone home run ball, or if the player who hit said home run was your favorite player on the opposing team. Any and all other home run balls hit by slapasses from opposing teams are to be returned to the field of play no longer than 45 seconds after you gain control of the ball. This should give you plenty of time to look at the ball, admire the stitching, spit on Selig's signature, and throw it as far as you can back onto the field. We were at the game Tuesday night debating this as some jerkoff from Cleveland hit a home run about a section over from our seats in the left field pavillion. The guy who caught the ball admired it for a brief minute and launched it back onto the field. The Tribe didn't score again for the rest of the game. It's about positive mojo more than anything. Trust me, I'm right. Throw it back!!

Meanwhile at Comerica Park...Some guy named Jesse Crain is on the hill now for Minnesota and quickly produces two deep fly ball outs from Polanco and Guillen. Cabrera is up and Mario tells his viewers that Miguel is 9th in the AL in RBI with 56, news that quite literally surprises the shit out of me with as inept he has seemed at times this season. 56 RBI is impressive at this stage of the year. What's not impressive to me is the 0-4 performance from him today as he pops out to Morneau. I think that all this talk about Miggy getting his swing back may be a bit premature. He's had a good 5 games but is looking borderline terrible at the plate today.

Top of the 7th and Kenny is still pitching. Apparently the bullpen needs a blow today and Leyland is going to let the Gambler eat up some innings. As I type this my heart drops as they show Fernando Rodney warming up in the bullpen. How is this guy still a major league pitcher? A four run lead is not safe when you got that meatsip warming up in the pen. Kenny allows a lead off single, walks the next batter and now the Twins have two men on with nobody out in the 7th. Kenny does well however getting a double play ball to short, unfortunately Gomez is retardedly fast out of the box and beats out the throw. Runners on the corners and Kenny gets a fly ball to left which scores Punto (again, his name does NOT mean whore). Two away and an awkward pause as the FSD camera goes directly to Leyland whom they expect to take Rogers out of the game. Leyland stands pat, Rogers gets a ground ball, and the inning is over with minimal damage. The Tigers either need to score a lot of runs in the bottom half of the seventh, or they need to pray for a miracle as it appears Kenny's day is done and Fernando Fucking Rodney is warming up.

Scoring a bunch of runs doesn't look very likely as Joyce stirkes out and Thames grounds out for two quick outs. Larish comes to the plate and like the gritty white dude he is ropes a shot down the left field line that bounces into the stands for half of a home run. Pudge now with a runner in scoring position goes down 0-2 as usual and then bounces out to the pitcher. They go to commercial without telling us which pitcher is coming out. I should probably put a dip in now...

Oh great. FFR (Fernando Fucking Rodney) takes the hill to face the heart of the Twins order. This could get messy. Morneau is up and is 3 for 3 on the day with a double as he continues his ownage of Tigers pitching. FFR throws his 1-1 pitch directly to the backstop and on the 2-1 pitch serves up a rocketball to the centerfield wall that appears to maybe be a home run. The replay shows that it was indeed off the yellow line but MLB has yet to install replay so it's a meeting of the minds out there now. After a brief debate, the men in blue shirts decide to keep it as its called on the field and Morneau stays at second with his second double of the day. For some reason Rod Allen swears that FFR is one of the best in the game. I usually don't disagree with Rod Allen, but in this case he could not be more wrong. To his credit though, FFR did just get Monroe to ground out to first but the runner is now on third with 1 out. Ground ball to Guillen at third scores the run and we have a two run ball game. Rodney just threw another pitch to the backstop. If he was any good, that would be considered quirky, problem is he sucks, so it's just an example of being a bad major league pitcher. 22 pitches later, FFR is out of the 8th inning allowing one run. Bottom of the 8th coming up...can we please get some insurance runs here? I'm not liking this situation.

Tigers go down in order in the bottom of the 8th after two ugly strikeouts and a ground out. It's in Jonesy's hands now.

Todd Jones comes into the game to the sounds of "Last One Standing" by the Christian rock group MercyMe. It's a catchy tune for those that appreciate the whole Christian Rock thing. I would personally say Red Hot Chili Peppers "Rollercoaster" would be better for him but to each his own. Jonesy is about to blow another save. He allows the first batter on base with a single then the next guy hits a routine single that turns into a triple after Joyce misplays it and it rolls to the wall. Tiger killer, Joe Mauer is the new batter for the Twins who are a fly ball away from tying the game in the 9th. Sure as shit, Mauer flies out to Clete Thomas in left and the Twins tie it up. I know it's on Jones, but I'm still kind of blaming FFR for this one. And like he usually does, Jones can't get the third out on the first try. Oh and good news everyone Justin Morneau is coming to the plate. Jonesy gets yanked from the game by Leyland. Um...what? Thats got to be kind of a "Fuck You" to Todd Jones from the Tigers skipper. Bobby Seay is coming into the game. Happy is not a word I would use to describe myself right now. I can't watch the rest of this inning...

Ok, I turned the channel really quick to King of the Hill then turned back hoping that it was over now. It's not. Seay let Morneau on base and now it's Freddy Dolsi who should have been in the game instead of FFR in the 8th. Instead Dolsi comes in with runners on first and second and two away with Mike Lamb up for the Twins. I want to say right now before he possibly blows it, Freddy Dolsi is a good, young pitcher. He almost blew it. Placido Polanco makes a WebGem and gets Lamb out at first to end the inning and keep the score tied going into the bottom of the 9th.

Bottom of the 9th now and it's gonna be all star Joe Nathan facing Carlos Guillen, Cabrera, and Joyce. Nathan quickly falls behind 3-0 to Carlos and then gets a gift strike call from the home plate umpire. Carlos earns himself a walk and winning run is on with Miguel Cabrera at the plate. No way does he walk off two games in a row, I'm just saying. Nathan goes down 2-0 to Miggy who, as I have mentioned before is 0-4 on the day and not looking pretty doing it. Guillen steals second and now with a 2-2 count and nobody out, Cabrera is a single away from winning the game for Detroit, but as I just said, no way does he do it twice in a row. Cabrera walks and now its up to gritty white dude Matt Joyce who could make up for his blunder with one swing of the bat. And suddenly my mojo is ruined as the girl roomate is suddenly thinking that getting Dish Network along with Comcast and the creepy fuckin Dish Network guy is now down in my room and generally pissing me right the fuck off. How bout some warning there LE? At least let me clean my room before you have some random dude in here hooking up your goddamned Dish Network. In the mean time, Joyce pops out and now there is one out with runners on first and second and Clete Thomas, yet another gritty white dude, comes up to the plate. WILD PITCH! The runners move up and the winning run is a mere 30 yards away from the plate. Four pitches high and wide and it'll be up to Matt Larish to win the game for the Tigers. One out, bases loaded and I'm hoping against hope that a ground ball doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure the small ball loving Ben Hamilton, head coach of the State Champion Grass Lake Warriors would call for the squeeze here. Jim Leyland won't though as Larish takes strike one on the outside corner. Larish uncorks a swing but sends it into the upper deck seats behind the plate. Larish swings again and strikes out. Two away with Pudge coming up and the bases juiced. Something tells me that bonus baseball may be on the way... High and tight fastball that if Pudge steps into, the game is over. He decides to be a candy ass and backs out of the way. What happened to taking one for the team with the bases loaded? In his defense though, that pitch was a 95 mph fastball and would have probably hit him in the face. I would have backed out too. Weird, Pudge strikes out with the bases loaded on a pitch that was clearly around the fucking eyes. SONOFABITCH!!

Bonus baseball headed our way. Oh and by the way, I absolutely HATE the commercial with all the kids singing that stupid ass "Let it Shine" song for the Cornerstone private school system. SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRATS AND GO TO A PUBLIC SCHOOL!

Dolsi gets the first two out, walks Punto, Span singles and now it's Joe Mauer with runners on the corners. Great. After Dolsi gets hosed on a couple of close ones, Mauer walks and now it's Dolsi versus Casilla with two out in the top of the tenth. Dolsi gets Casilla to ground out to Placido and the Twins leave the bases loaded just like the Tigers did which makes me feel mildly better but still quite pissed off. The Tigers were up 6-2 at one point in this game and they've let these assholes from Minnesota back into the game and are playing more baseball than they needed to to put them away. Who's to blame for this? The man that started the bad mojo, Fernando F-ing Rodney.

Bottom of the 10th now and this post is retardedly longer than I wanted it to be. And just as the Tigers come up to bat, creepy Dish Network Guy is back in my basement along with girl roommate. Santiago is up and works the count to full before grounding out to second. Granderson up now with one away. Mario Impemba is a guy who must really dig the longball because in any pressure situation he mentions how many homers a guy has on the year or off a certain pitcher which then causes the batter to ground out. Case in point is Granderson who just grounded out to second. Two away now and it's Placido Polanco up against some dude named Gurrier who is probably French so I don't like him. Polanco flies out and we get another inning of bonus baseball.

Top of 11 now and Dolsi is still on the bump for Detroit. Interesting strategy hopefully it works out. So far so good as he gets the lead off man to pop out in foul territory where Clete Thomas makes a great play and flips into the stands while doing it. Gritty. Justin Morneau is up, he's reached base every time he's stepped in the box today and he is now 5-5 as he gives the Twins the lead with a home run into the old bullpen area. Why not? Two singles, two doubles, a walk, and now a most likely game winning home run. Damnit. If I'm Jim Leyland, I go on a rant today win or lose. They played about 5 innings today and thought that it was enough. Gotta finish it fellas. That's bullshit and you know it.

Bottom of the 11th coming up with Guillen, Rayburn, and Joyce due up. Guillen starts it off by flying out to left. Rayburn now up after pinch running for Cabrera in the 9th and takes a pitiful hack at a 1-1 breaking ball then grounds out to short. Matt Joyce, who deserves some of the blame for this trainwreck, steps up to the plate, hammers a line drive into the gap for a double and the tying run is in scoring position. My hopes, however, are not up. Clete Thomas is the batter now and gets hosed with a high called strike. Nasty breaking pitch for strike two and strike three called, the game is over and I'm really pissed off.

DAMNIT