Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league. Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.
The City of Detroit
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.
*UPDATE* I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.