Letters....To Santa

Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really shitty awesome Christmas present from Santa Claus like socks or ugly clothes, or last years Madden because it was cheaper? Of course you did, hell we all did (expect for my Jewish readers who got to play dreidel drinking games all night before Moses came and blew out the candles, that's how Hanukkah works right?). Have you ever wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him how much of an asshole he was for giving you shitty presents? These are those.

Dear Santa,
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.

You Suck!
Cole

Dear Santa,
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league.  Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?

Regards,
Joe Dumars

Dear Santa,
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!

Go Irish!
BK

Dear Santa,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!

Rich Rodriguez

Dear Santa,
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.

Miguel Cabrera

Dear Satan,
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.

JG

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.

Mike Babcock

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.

Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.

The City of Detroit

Dear Santa,
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.

America

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.

*UPDATE*   I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Big Things Poppin

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...