After a 16 ounce Red Bull and a 24 oz Speedway Coffee, a guy can get some pretty crazy ideas.
This is one of those ideas.
One of my favorite things in all of sport is the Chant. After much discussion this morning with Patterson and McLovin (AKA Jake the DFO) I've decided that the love of the chant must be split into categories and shared with the world.
We'll start with one of my favorites, the "X Team Sucks" Chant. This chant can be used at any sporting event provided your team is not team X and that your team is in the process of beating Team X's ass. One exception is a "Team Z" chant in which Team X and Team Y both equally hate Team Z.
Next we will examine the great College Hockey Chants. College Hockey Chants are usually yelled out in small arenas that tend to be really loud. College hockey fans are typically drunken students who like to combine the violence of hockey with the fun of yelling random shit with a bunch of other drunks. I like to believe that college hockey fans are America's version of the soccer hooligan.
It is well documented that I hate soccer. But soccer chants are just like college hockey chants except there's no real words. Just really loud drunken humming.
The "School Spirit" Chant. It's pretty self explanatory.
The "Totally Unecessary, but Completely Relevant Cursing" Chant. Hated by the administration, loved, adored, and cherished by the student population. Very controversial but deep down, enjoyed by everyone except the fanatical Christian front.
And finally, my personal favorite the, "Hey! You Suck!" Chant. This is the kind of chant that you can hum to yourself while walking around the office or through the hallways of your school. It always brings a smile to my face. Can even be done A Capella.
There. That ought to help you kill some time.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
If I Could Write A Letter To...
Dear Major League Baseball,
Wooooooow. You cancelled a World Series game in the bottom of the 6th inning. Normally, I'm fine with it but c'mon...IT'S THE WORLD SERIES! It might be worth waiting out the rain and finishing the game around 2am. I'm sure the Phans in Philly wouldn't mind a whole hell of a lot. They were going to be partying until at least 4am anyway. I'm just happy your shit for brains commissioner didn't call it a tie. Oh and a quick side note...is anyone outside of Philly and Tampa actually watching this? The only reason anyone else is watching is because nothing else is on. Poor effort MLB. Poor Effort.
Cole
Dear NHL,It's time to ready the attack against the NBA.
Signed,
Cole
Dear Tyrone Willingham,
I just wanted to say that I have been a big fan of yours since you won the PAC-10 with Stanford (yeah, Stanford) before you took over Notre Dame. I personally believe you got hosed in South Bend and was run off by the administration. When you got the job at Washington, I thought the Huskies were instantly three to four years away from being a program that matters again. Well...I was wrong. BUT I want to congratulate you on not having an ego bigger than the game. I believe that stepping down was the classy and responsible thing to do and wish you nothing but the best in the future. Coaches always talk about accountability and responsibility, you held yourself personally responsible and accountable for the failures of your program and for that I have nothing but respect. If only other perennially failing head coaches would follow your lead...
Cole
Dear Pandora.Com,
You are far and away the greatest Internet invention this side of facebook.
Love,
Cole
Dear NBA,
Tonight is opening night. I will not be watching. Tell dipshit David Stern that his product is on the verge of a ratings collapse due to poor entertainment value and lack of team play. Why do you think college hoops is more adored than you? Get over yourself NBA.
HERE COMES THE NHL!
Cole
Dear Grass Lake Football,
Beat Potterville's ass this week so I can come watch you next week.
Love,
Cole
Dear Mixed Martial Arts,
Ha, ya'll gave it a hell of a run eh? You banked on a guy who lived on the street and a hot chick to carry an entire "league" on NBC (or CBS or whatever it was, who cares), what did you expect? Yeah, I know you're a tough sport and everything but you're starting to take yourself a little too seriously. You need to go back to your roots and just put two crazy assholes in a cage and watch them beat the living dogshit out of each other, then mop the mat up and have two more crazy assholes beat the dogshit out of each other. Rinse, Wash, Repeat. The basic building blocks of success. Nobody cares about the lifestories of the crazy assholes, we just want to see crazy assholes be crazy assholes.
Crazy Assholes,
Cole
Dear Dante Culpepper,
Dude, signing a free agent contract with the Detroit Lions would be career suicide.
Yes, I know you're already retired.
Cole
Dear Readers,
It's good to be back.
Love,
Cole
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I Have a Sports Blog. Wait....What???
First of all, I just wanna say....
Ok ok ok, let me start off apologizing for not at least explaining my abrupt leave of absence from this blog read by a little less than a dozen people worldwide. I'll keep it vague because the details are mildly boring. The reason I haven't written in about 4 months is because I have been working with the football team at Eastern Michigan University as defensive quality control, which is a fancy name for "Otter's Assistant" and/or "the guy who breaks down all the film and tends to fall asleep on the job." Either one will work. So that's the reason I have been gone for so long and for the 7 people that noticed, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Now...what did I miss?
Oh right, the greatest disappointment in the history of baseball. The 2008 Detroit Tigers. I'm not going to hit on this too hard because I watched exactly 2/3 of an inning of baseball from August till the end of the season and talking about it after not seeing it would be a slight ethical dilemma for me. I do know this, all summer long I told everyone I talked to about it that they still have a shot, that this team had all the firepower they needed to still make a run late. Well, that run never came and they folded like a cheap wallet in late August.
So of course, the question must be asked. Who's to blame here? I don't have the answer to that, BUT I can tell you who's NOT to blame.
It's not Leyland's fault. Now, when I say this, you all must understand that I would support Jim Leyland no matter what he does. He could go to Mott's Children Hospital and punch babies on the weekends, or go to the pound and kick small puppies and I would still say, "hey, he's still doing a good job." Much like the way I feel about Joe Paterno. He cannot do anything wrong. These guys are essentially the Pope.
It's not Cabrera's fault. The guy lead the American League in home runs in a ballpark that's only slightly smaller than Metro Airport. You can't blame him at all and for all you assholes that said he was overrated, fat, and lazy can shut your goddamned pieholes. He's not overrated.
It's not Inge's fault. What do you want from this guy? Dombrowski trades for a hot young third baseman and leave's Brandon out to dry and he kept on playing. They moved the youngster to first and Guillen to third, he kept on playing. They traded Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth (still the "Ok, I surrender" move of the season) and he went back to playing catcher. Anyone who can deal with that sort of nonsense deserves exactly zero percent of the blame. Also, isn't it weird that we have one of the best third basemen in the league playing behind the dish instead of at the corner? I'm just saying.
It's not Jonesy's fault. He was borderline lights out earlier in the year when he was actually put into save situations. Now he's out of baseball and we have Captain Gasoline Fernando Fucking Rodney as our closer until Zumaya gets healthy which should be sometime in 2015 or so when he makes his first comeback attempt. For some reason, as much as I hated watching Todd Jones, he sure was fun to watch. I hope he enjoys his retirement and reads this and gets me a job at the Sporting News.
It's not Dombrowski's fault...YET. Dombrowski had the go ahead from the Illitch's to make a big move this past off season and that's what he did bringing in a big time hitter and a pitcher who's control has fallen directly off the face of the Earth. Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin were the future of the franchise here in Detroit and we just kind of mortgaged the future to win now. If for some reason Dontrelle doesn't return to form (or at least get back to being a capable starter here and there) then we can put the blame on Dombrowski. As soon as Maybin and Miller make their first All Star team together, or win their first NLDS with the Marlins next season (yeah, I'm calling it) that's when we look at Dombrowski and say, "What the hell was THAT Dave?"
OK, enough with the Tigers it's pissing me off. In fact, that is the last mention of the Tigers in 2008. The topic of the Tigers is grounded until January 1st, 2009.
Let's talk instead about a topic that will REALLY piss me off. As a life long Michigan fan, I am disappointed with the team's lack of winning this season. Who wouldn't be? They lost to State at home yesterday but oddly enough, I'm ok with it. I believe in RichRod and once he and his guys get used to each other and he gets his players in, everything will be full systems go in Ann Arbor. I'm not at all pissed off about Michigan. Eastern however is another story...
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday after a 22 point drubbing from Ball State (who WILL NOT lose this season, yeah, they're that good) and we got around to talking about the losing culture of Eastern Michigan Football. Eastern has not had a winning season since 1995. That's 13 straight seasons of losing more games than you've won. First of all, how is that even possible? How is it possible for such mediocrity to take over an entire university. When did losing become an OK thing to do? The guys play their asses off every week...
(I had a lot of other stuff typed in this area but decided it was a bad idea to publish it right now so here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert instead.)
(Oh, and here's another picture that Patterson gave me and told me to put on here)
We were at Ball State yesterday. They're #20 in the nation right now and they have a head coach who is also their defensive coordinator. He jumps around during a game, he hugs his guys after big plays, he gets after his players in a constructive way when they make mistakes, hell, Hoke even SIGNALS the plays himself. Bill Cubit, the head coach at Western Michigan, calls the offensive plays from the sideline. Not as excitable as Brady Hoke, but still a fired up guy who loves his players. Butch Jones at Central, extremely excitable guy...calls his own plays. There are two common denominators here, these three head coaches call their own plays yes, but these three head coaches are absolutely adored by their players and they routinely win year after year after year. Coincidence?
Nope.
Ok ok ok, let me start off apologizing for not at least explaining my abrupt leave of absence from this blog read by a little less than a dozen people worldwide. I'll keep it vague because the details are mildly boring. The reason I haven't written in about 4 months is because I have been working with the football team at Eastern Michigan University as defensive quality control, which is a fancy name for "Otter's Assistant" and/or "the guy who breaks down all the film and tends to fall asleep on the job." Either one will work. So that's the reason I have been gone for so long and for the 7 people that noticed, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Now...what did I miss?
Oh right, the greatest disappointment in the history of baseball. The 2008 Detroit Tigers. I'm not going to hit on this too hard because I watched exactly 2/3 of an inning of baseball from August till the end of the season and talking about it after not seeing it would be a slight ethical dilemma for me. I do know this, all summer long I told everyone I talked to about it that they still have a shot, that this team had all the firepower they needed to still make a run late. Well, that run never came and they folded like a cheap wallet in late August.
So of course, the question must be asked. Who's to blame here? I don't have the answer to that, BUT I can tell you who's NOT to blame.
It's not Leyland's fault. Now, when I say this, you all must understand that I would support Jim Leyland no matter what he does. He could go to Mott's Children Hospital and punch babies on the weekends, or go to the pound and kick small puppies and I would still say, "hey, he's still doing a good job." Much like the way I feel about Joe Paterno. He cannot do anything wrong. These guys are essentially the Pope.
It's not Cabrera's fault. The guy lead the American League in home runs in a ballpark that's only slightly smaller than Metro Airport. You can't blame him at all and for all you assholes that said he was overrated, fat, and lazy can shut your goddamned pieholes. He's not overrated.
It's not Inge's fault. What do you want from this guy? Dombrowski trades for a hot young third baseman and leave's Brandon out to dry and he kept on playing. They moved the youngster to first and Guillen to third, he kept on playing. They traded Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth (still the "Ok, I surrender" move of the season) and he went back to playing catcher. Anyone who can deal with that sort of nonsense deserves exactly zero percent of the blame. Also, isn't it weird that we have one of the best third basemen in the league playing behind the dish instead of at the corner? I'm just saying.
It's not Jonesy's fault. He was borderline lights out earlier in the year when he was actually put into save situations. Now he's out of baseball and we have Captain Gasoline Fernando Fucking Rodney as our closer until Zumaya gets healthy which should be sometime in 2015 or so when he makes his first comeback attempt. For some reason, as much as I hated watching Todd Jones, he sure was fun to watch. I hope he enjoys his retirement and reads this and gets me a job at the Sporting News.
It's not Dombrowski's fault...YET. Dombrowski had the go ahead from the Illitch's to make a big move this past off season and that's what he did bringing in a big time hitter and a pitcher who's control has fallen directly off the face of the Earth. Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin were the future of the franchise here in Detroit and we just kind of mortgaged the future to win now. If for some reason Dontrelle doesn't return to form (or at least get back to being a capable starter here and there) then we can put the blame on Dombrowski. As soon as Maybin and Miller make their first All Star team together, or win their first NLDS with the Marlins next season (yeah, I'm calling it) that's when we look at Dombrowski and say, "What the hell was THAT Dave?"
OK, enough with the Tigers it's pissing me off. In fact, that is the last mention of the Tigers in 2008. The topic of the Tigers is grounded until January 1st, 2009.
Let's talk instead about a topic that will REALLY piss me off. As a life long Michigan fan, I am disappointed with the team's lack of winning this season. Who wouldn't be? They lost to State at home yesterday but oddly enough, I'm ok with it. I believe in RichRod and once he and his guys get used to each other and he gets his players in, everything will be full systems go in Ann Arbor. I'm not at all pissed off about Michigan. Eastern however is another story...
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday after a 22 point drubbing from Ball State (who WILL NOT lose this season, yeah, they're that good) and we got around to talking about the losing culture of Eastern Michigan Football. Eastern has not had a winning season since 1995. That's 13 straight seasons of losing more games than you've won. First of all, how is that even possible? How is it possible for such mediocrity to take over an entire university. When did losing become an OK thing to do? The guys play their asses off every week...
(I had a lot of other stuff typed in this area but decided it was a bad idea to publish it right now so here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert instead.)
(Oh, and here's another picture that Patterson gave me and told me to put on here)
We were at Ball State yesterday. They're #20 in the nation right now and they have a head coach who is also their defensive coordinator. He jumps around during a game, he hugs his guys after big plays, he gets after his players in a constructive way when they make mistakes, hell, Hoke even SIGNALS the plays himself. Bill Cubit, the head coach at Western Michigan, calls the offensive plays from the sideline. Not as excitable as Brady Hoke, but still a fired up guy who loves his players. Butch Jones at Central, extremely excitable guy...calls his own plays. There are two common denominators here, these three head coaches call their own plays yes, but these three head coaches are absolutely adored by their players and they routinely win year after year after year. Coincidence?
Nope.
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