Letters....To Santa

Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really shitty awesome Christmas present from Santa Claus like socks or ugly clothes, or last years Madden because it was cheaper? Of course you did, hell we all did (expect for my Jewish readers who got to play dreidel drinking games all night before Moses came and blew out the candles, that's how Hanukkah works right?). Have you ever wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him how much of an asshole he was for giving you shitty presents? These are those.

Dear Santa,
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.

You Suck!
Cole

Dear Santa,
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league.  Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?

Regards,
Joe Dumars

Dear Santa,
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!

Go Irish!
BK

Dear Santa,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!

Rich Rodriguez

Dear Santa,
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.

Miguel Cabrera

Dear Satan,
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.

JG

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.

Mike Babcock

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.

Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.

The City of Detroit

Dear Santa,
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.

America

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.

*UPDATE*   I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Big Things Poppin

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...

Back By Semi-Popular Demand

June 4th, 2009. The day Tobacco Juice Sports was put on life support. There were no signs of life. It was being kept alive only by machine like Ted Williams or that lady that caused all the ruckus a few years back. From that day until this day, I was like one of the relatives visiting the comatose patient less and less until it was almost completely forgotten about and never spoken of again.

Fast forward (or is it re-wind or push play?) to today. December 7th, 2009. THAT COMATOSE SUNNUVABITCH WOKE UP!!

I'M BACK BABY!!

I'm fairly certain nobody missed me and I'm fine with it. Let's recap what's happened since I decided to drop off the face of the blogosphere.

• I lost the Fat White Guy Challenge due to pure laziness and indifference.



• I played a lot of golf.



• The Tigers blew a 7 game lead in the division and watched the assholes from New York win the World Series.



• Brandon Inge got hit with a pitch with the bases loaded and was not awarded 1st base.



• The Wings didn't re-sign Hossa and lost Kopecky and Hudler to free agency or Russia (there were probably others but those are the three that hurt me, and them, the most).



• The Lions are bad...but I have completely reversed my opinion of Matt Stafford.



• The Pistons are still my least favorite thing in the world....



• Tiger Woods banged a bunch of hot chicks because he's Tiger Woods and you're not and he can do that sort of thing except he got caught and his hot wife got pissed and a shitstormbomb exploded.



• The Tigers are in the midst of what is being called "Not a Firesale"



• And finally, The BCS covered its own ass by scheduling Boise State and TCU to play against each other in the biggest goddamned copout in the history of anything.
  

Now that we're all kind of caught up with the random things I pulled out of thin air that may or may not have happened, let's get to the matter(s) at hand and talk about things that really piss me off because, unlike the Hulk, people tend to like me more when I'm angry.

First of all, maybe it's just me but I don't think that Tiger Woods crashing his car at the end of his own driveway after running from his freakishly strong and ridiculously hot Swedish wife after she found out he's been doing what every superstar in the world has been doing since Ty Cobb tagged Anne Margaret and that's going around banging hot chicks in various cities around the world, is worthy of CNN dropping everything and sending a helicopter to his house. Last I heard, Tiger's real name is not Eldrick "Tiger" Christ. The dude is human and he did what most of us dream doing. Travel the world, make gazillions playing golf, and bang random hot chicks. Enough is enough. (Yes I realize the man has a family and he probably shouldn't have been such a retard about it but c'mon, he's been perfect and polished his entire life...a controversy like this was bound to happen.)

Speaking of random hot chicks...Carrie Underwood is on my TV wearing what appears to be some sort of leather pants. Ho-ly-Shit.

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right...things that piss me off and other random nonsense.

After listening to 97.1 the Ticket for the better part of 3 and a half consecutive hours while running an errand to Lake Orion and back (don't ask), and the main talk on the Valenti and Foster show was how the Tigers were essentially having a fire sale after not making the playoffs this year. I wouldn't exactly call it a fire sale as much as a cost reduction tactic. Think of it like this. Right now, the Tigers are a chick with a huge rack. It's nice to look at, but for them, it's pretty uncomfortable, so they're gonna go ahead and have a reduction so they still look nice, but they're more comfortable with what they have. If they have to trade Granderson and/or Jackson and/or Cabrera and/or Barry Badrinath (Gerald Laird for those who don't think he looks like said character from BeerFest and if you haven't seen the movie it's time to move out of your cave) so they're more fiscally comfortable, and potentially younger, deeper, and more talented, then I'm completely on board. Look, things are tough right now, but if the Twins can do it with a reduced payroll, why not the Tigers? Hell, I'd rather they do it that way. It's much better than buying a championship like the Yankees have been doing, or trying to do, for the last two decades. Keep the faith Tigers fans, everything is gonna be fine.

As for Matt Stafford...click here and tell me you're not a fan. If you claim to be a football fan and say that after watching the video you're not a Matt Stafford fan and supporter, then you my friend...are an asshole. This is exactly what the Lions have needed since the days of Bobby Layne. A blood and guts, whatever it takes, follow my lead and we're gonna win, type leader at the quarterback position. Are the Lions still 2-10? Yes but c'mon people...there are 22 positions not counting special teams on a football team. Being able to say that you're set at two of them (QB and WR Calvin Johnson is the real deal folks) is not going to help you. We need to at least be shooting .500 and have 11 guys that are halfway decent before we are gonna win. We have a great coach and a mildly better front office...things are gonna change in the next few years I can feel it.

As for the corporate greed that exploits student athletes playing division 1 football in America, better known as the Bowl Championship Series. They screwed it up. That's all there is to say. I 100% agree with Texas and Alabama playing in the mythical "championship" game. Anyone who argues against that probably rode the short bus to school and I did not, so I am not arguing against that. Cincy playing Florida is fine as well. Iowa playing Georgia Tech on the other hand is freaking awful. But not nearly as awful and shady as TCU playing Boise State.

And here is why. TCU and Boise play in non-BCS conferences the Mountain West and the Western Athletic Conference. These two conferences lack the firepower (and cashflow) that the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, PAC-10, and Big East (to a lesser extent) have from top to bottom. New Mexico State would get CRUSHED by teams like Iowa State, Michigan, Washington State, or Duke (maybe) just because they simply have more money and typically better athletes because of the conferences they play in and finished near the bottom of. Since Boise and TCU play teams like New Mexico State and San Jose State, the rest of the country seems to feel as if their 12-0 records don't count and they don't deserve a shot at playing one of the big boys from the BCS conferences in a BCS game. That being said, remember 2006 when Boise State beat Oklahoma in a game where the Sooners were favored by two or more touchdowns in the Fiesta Bowl? Remember last year when Utah beat heavily favored Alabama in the whatever it was Bowl and rightfully claimed that they deserved to be National Champions? Yeah, the BCS decided to nip that little problem in the bud and let the two teams from the weaker conferences with undefeated records play each other so they didn't have to risk an embarassing loss for a BCS conference school like Iowa, Gerogia Tech, or Florida. They also didn't want to risk having potentially 4 undefeated teams at the end of the year, proving what everyone in the world already knows, that the BCS is the biggest bullshit moneymaking ponzi scheme in the history of civilization. TCU and Boise State deserve to play Iowa and Georgia Tech just to prove that just because they play shitbird teams, doesn't mean that they're shitbird teams themselves. And in my honest heart of hearts, I truly believe that TCU could beat Texas, Alabama, Florida, or Cincy. Those teams got absolutely hosed.

Speaking of college football, Brian Kelly and Jim Harbaugh are expected to interview at Notre Dame tomorrow. If Kelly is as smart as I hope he is, he will turn that job down. Notre Dame is where good coaches go to die. That and can you imagine running that pass happy offense in South Bend in November? It's cold as shit in South Bend in November! That'd be a HUGE mistake. Coach Kelly, do us all a favor, stay in Cincy and bring them a National Championship. Don't sell out like I know you probably will.

On a personal note...it's damn good to back. Maybe more tomorrow or the next day.

Oh and there's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt to make up for lost time. Speaking of random hot chicks...I'm gonna need suggestions again for the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports.

I'm Still Alive

Yep, still alive just haven't been blogging due to superstitious reasons.

The Wings were on a hell of a run, and I didn't want to screw it up by blogging about it.

Things have changed and here I am, back at the keyboard on a day where I should clearly be out golfing.

Speaking of golf...

This past Sunday I played with Masten and Bechtel at the Grande in Jackson. Mike Vecellio, our elementary school gym teacher and varsity basketball coach at Grass Lake Elementary and High School (and one of the best overall people I have ever met in my life) is in charge of outings and leagues out at the Grande and he got us a Sunday morning tee time for 7:30.

For those of you that don't play golf, there is nothing quite like being the first group out on the course on a sunny Sunday morning. The fog was just lifting, the sun was rising, birds chirping, I tell ya, the whole thing was just poetic. Beautiful does not do it justice.

For those of you that don't know, Masten and Bechtel are both in the golf industry. Bechtel is the course superintendent at Calderone Farms in Grass Lake while Masten is now a PGA Tour certified teaching pro based out of Myrtle Beach at Arrowhead Golf Course. These are two of my best friends in the world and both of them are needless to say, better than me at the great game of golf.

That being said, let's talk briefly about the round. I started out amazingly. I crushed my first drive off the tee and then from about 115 yards or so pitched up onto the green within about ten feet. I ended up two putting the hole for a par to start off my first round at one of the best courses in Michigan. On the par 3 second hole, I won a dollar off my playing partners by sticking my tee shot about 7 feet from the pin. Another two putt and another par and everything was coming up Cole.

And then the wheels feel off for the next two holes when I went 8 and 7 but then settled down to shoot a 52 on the front. Not bad, but not great. At that point, I was just happy to be out there.

I caught a bad case of the shanks on the start of the back nine but rallied to par a couple of holes late and shoot another 52. Like I said, I was just happy to be out there. The course opened in 2001 and I had never played it. I have to say, I'm glad I waited to at least gain some sort of skill before I went out there. The fairways were pretty wide for the most part but errant drives were quick to find the thick rough, woods, or water. The greens were unlike anything I've seen. To say they were fast and undulating (hilly) would be an understatement. Far and away the toughest greens I've ever played. At the same time though, the greens were surprisingly easy to read and every putt rolled true. My opinion of the course was high going in, and even higher going out. On a scale of 1-10, I give it about a 37 and I can't thank Coach V for getting us out there enough.

Now, on to other things.

The Wings play in 2 hours and 17 minutes. Datsyuk is rumored to be back in the lineup and Draper is rumored to be a healty scratch. A lot of people have been talking about how the Wings haven't exactly been playing well this series. I don't understand what they (Mike Valenti on 97.1 mainly) are talking about. Games 1 and 2 were absolutely dominated by the Red Wings. The out shot, out hit, out hustled, out defended, and simply out played the Penguins in those two games. How can anyone complain about how they were playing? I don't understand it.

As for tonight, I see it as an absolute must win game. The last thing I want is for this series to be tied and for it to possibly go to seven games. As much as I love game sevens, I hate them because anything and everything can and will happen. This makes tonight's game a must win game. Just in the sense that I don't want it to go seven games.

What will happen tonight? I think it will look something like this...just imagine the chicken is a Penguin.



The game tonight will be on Versus...which reminds me of a rant I wanted to go on.

THE NHL IS BEING SCREWED BY NBC AND THE FLIMSY CONTRACT WITH NBC/VERSUS NEGOTIATED BY GARY BETTMAN AND HIS CRONIES!!

This is the Stanley Cup Finals. One of the greatest spectacles in all of sports. It should be aired nationally. It isn't aired nationally. NBC has instead chosen to air the embarassment to American society and culture that is "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here." This is why we have to watch the game on Versus. I cannot tell you how mad this makes me. Whoever put the stamp of approval on this, be it at NBC or with the NHL (which folded like a cheap lawn chair on this issue which pisses me off even more) needs to be fired on the spot. And then publicly beaten and humiliated. Tarred and feathered even. Out of protest, I am going to watch the rest of the Finals on the Canadian channel CBC. I still can't believe a show featuring a bunch of D-List asswipes is on instead of the Stanley Cup Finals. It boggles the mind and PISSES ME OFF!!!

SCREW YOU HOCKEY JESUS! BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS MALKIN! YOU SUCK FLEURY! YOU'RE A GOON HAL GILL! YOU'RE EASILY THE WORST STAAL BROTHER JORDAN STAAL! GODDAMNIT DETROIT BEAT THESE CLOWNS TONIGHT AND WIN THE DAMN THING AT THE JOE ON SATURDAY!!!

PITTSBURGH SUCKS!!!

Quick News

First of all...remember what I said about Brandon Lyon? Yep, he's still my least favorite Tiger since Bobby "F.U. Pay Me" Higginson. Time to release Brandon Lyon. He's just more proof that anything that sounds like "Lions" cannot be successful in Detroit.

In other news...I've finally caved and joined up with Twitter on a trial basis. If I find it annoying after a couple weeks (which is likely) then I'll probably delete the account but that's neither here nor there. You can read random nonsense about my day to day ridiculousness by clicking on the "Cole's Twitter" link over there to the right or you can just type in twitter.com/anthony_cole. Some of them will be funny because, when you look at my life, how can you really not laugh. Personally, I blame insomnia for the Twitter.

GAME SEVEN TOMORROW!
And of course, I have a class that I cannot miss from 5:30-8:40. It's ok though, it's Intro to Film Appreciation (yeah, you read it right) and while we're watching the movie in the class, I will be listening to 97.1 The Ticket to get my Wings fix. While we're talking Wings, I'm going to give a bold prediction...Pavel Datsyuk will score at least one goal tomorrow.

SCREW YOU GORDON BOMBAY!!!

Go Wings!

Mobile letter...Dear Cleveland Indians, way to not score a run in two straight games against the Tigers. I hear the minors are looking for an expansion team. Na nahhh na na HEEEEY YOU SUCK! Love, Cole PS Drew Carey was wrong. You obviously do not rock.

Dad Cussed Me Out About Not Blogging

That is probably the greatest headline for any of the 104 (well, 105 after this one) blog posts I've ever thrown up there.

Anyways, I'm back from my mental health hiatus and back to the blogger screen. And the dozen or so people who are fans of this blog rejoice with a stifled yawn.

A lot has happened since the last post so here is a quick rundown...

The Tigers are 3 games back of the Royals (the Royals??) in the division. I went to last Saturday's game against Cleveland (which does not rock) with the roommates with seats that were entirely too good for slaps like us, courtesy of middle brother's girlfriend's dad which is nice. One thing I have to mention is this...am I the only person who still hates Cleveland and people who root for Cleveland? I'm disappointed in the lack of participation in "Cleveland Sucks!" chants after the game. I thought Detroit fans were a little bit meaner than that. It was fun though if I can remember right.

The Wings tied up the series against the Ducks last night with a 6-3 win. Hossa decided to play and netted two goals for the Winged Wheel and that guy called Mule had a nice three point night as well. It seems as if the Wings have finally figured out how to effectively play Anaheim by not sinking to their level and playing actual skilled hockey, which Anaheim is clearly unable to play because they're just a bunch of freakin goons. Usually I love me some goonery but the first three games of this series just really pissed me off. Scrums after every whistle, cheap shots (Mike Brown's cheap shot elbow to Hudler's head for example), and just general dumbassery by Gordon Bombay's Ducks. It was refreshing to see some actual hockey last night.

Z mentioned to me the need for an anti-Brett Favre post. I agree with Z. This Favre nonsense has to stop and it has to stop now! Now, ESPN, I realize it is a slow-ish time in the sports world but to have the always borderline hot Rachel Nichols camping out outside Favre's plantation in Mississippi is the definition of media overkill. Now, let's say Favre does in fact come out of retirement. All this means is another mediocre season for whatever team signs him. As much as I love watching Brett Favre play football, I have to admit his time is up. Brett Favre has no business being an NFL quarterback anymore. It's time for him to hang it up and ride off into the ever fading sunset. And it's time for ESPN to stop reporting on how many times Brett Favre wiped his ass that day, and maybe I dunno, talk about hockey more.

Speaking of hockey. Alexander Ovechkin is far and away my favorite non Red Wing player in the NHL. Watch this video, you'll understand.


One thing I haven't mentioned at all is the NFL Draft. It's been a while but here's what I think about it. The Lions did not screw up the draft nearly as bad as I thought they would. Granted, the Stafford pick will most likely go down as one of the worst picks in NFL history, ranking up there with Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Joey Harrington, and Ryan Leaf. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not. With everyone clamoring for Rey Maulauga or however you spell it with the pick at #20, the Lions surprised everyone and went with Brandon Pettigrew the TE out of Okie State. Personally, I really liked the pick even though an offensive lineman would have probably been the better pick here but in all reality, Pettigrew is an absolute stud and will be a very good NFL tight end. The pick that shocked me even more was the choice of Louis Delmas from Western. I didn't realize he was so highly rated. I watched the kid play throughout his time at WMU and I figured he was a decent player but never thought he was a second round pick. For the sake of the Mid-American Conference, I am really rooting for Delmas to be an absolute badass the likes of Bob Sanders just to show everyone in the country that the MAC is a hell of a conference with some really good football players. Like I said, the Lions didn't do nearly as bad as I thought they would in the 2009 draft but nobody will ever truly know how good or bad this draft class was until about 2012 when the Lions win the Super Bowl, I graduate from college, and the world comes to an end.

In other news that ESPN is really dead horsing, Manny Ramierez got busted for the juice and will have to sit out the next 50 games. Is it just me or does every Scott Boras client abuse the juice? Speaking of Scott Boras juicers, DoucheTard A-Rod is almost ready to come back to the Yanks. I have no opinion other than A-Rod sucks.

Ok, that's it for me. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert. Oh, and we are now taking suggestions for the next Official Hot Chick of TJS. Nominate your hot chicks by commenting and then we'll vote on them.
Good to be back.

NOOOOOO!!!!!!

OF ALL THE BARS IN GRASS LIKE WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THE SHACK????

Jackson Citizen Patriot Story Here.

At least Missy says she'll be able to rebuild. Way to burn down the only good bar in town doucher!

Oh and the Wings swept the BJs! MULE!

Avril Lavigne is Hot Because She's Canadian

*DISCLAIMER*
This post has nothing to do with Avril Lavigne, even though her hotness is undeniable.

I received some troubling medical news today...and it's on YouTube for everyone to see...


That's right. I'm a fat ass. There was a time in my life where I could be proud of the fatness, but that time has long been gone. So I did what anyone else would have done...

I joined a contest.

Rob Lunn over at FWG started the "Formerly Fat White Guy" contest and I'm one of 6 contestants competing for prizes. The person to lose the most weight by July 18th wins. First place gets a couple FWG T-shirts and free UConn football tickets (Lunn played at UConn...seriously read his blog). Second place gets T-Shirts and takes over the FWG Blog for the day. Naturally, I'm shooting for second place because people actually read his blog.

Lunn had this to say about me...
"A lot of people go to school for 9 years, we call them doctors. But in this case, we’ll call him “Tony.” Tony sent me an email telling me that he was basically a chronic underachiever and in keeping with that theme would only be trying for second place, meaning he’d get to take over the blog for a day, score a free t-shirt, and go back to his life of mediocrity. I like his commitment (or lack thereof?)."

As depressing as it sounds, the guy hit it on the head. But not only am I a chronic underachiever, I am a horribly competitive chronic underachiever with a bit of a gambling problem. I'm currently taking side bets with whoever wants to step up. Go on over to the Formerly Fat White Guy Contest Page and pick your pony. Then leave me a comment and let's gamble! It's not about winning and losing, it's about living a healthy lifestyle...and avoiding this...



Red Wings Live Blog Tomorrow at 7. How about you pricks actually show up this time?

Red Wings LiveBlog!

Mobile Posting Yo!

I found out I could text in a post to blogger and they'll post is for me. I'm kinda fired up about this. No pictures is a bummer but whatever. I went with mom and pop on a road trip to Kansas city this weekend to watch lil bros spring game at Avila university. It was raining kinda hard so the coach there cancelled the game. An hour later it was 72 and sunny. Fail. Anyways, the wings are up 2-0 in their series with the BJs. Ozzie and the Wings blanked the BJs 4-0 last night and the series heads to Columbus Tuesday. I would love to liveblog it but I have too much homework to get done for my finals on Tuesday. 10 page rhetorical criticism of GW Bush's speech after 9/11. Should be fun. Is it just me or does it really appear that the Wings are playing extremely well to start this playoff run? Ozzie's play has been just one big FU to everyone who doubted him and i love it! How bout the pistons letting Bron Bron run wild for 38 last night? C'mon guys, at least ACT like you give a rat's ass. The Tigers won last night behind a great performance by Jackson. He's proving to be quite the pickup. Currently im in the backseat of the parent's impala with lil brother's dog Axle. It's raining and we just passed the sign for William Stratton state park on I-80 in Illinois. I'm expecting about 5 more hours until we get back to Grass Lake. Awesome.

It's 180 miles to Chicago. We've got half a tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. HIT IT!

RED WINGS LIVE BLOG

It's About That Time Eh?

Tonight starts the opening round of the NHL playoffs. In case you don't read the paper or have a TV set or live in Arizona, the Wings drew the Columbus Blue Jackets for the first round.

Due to the fact that it is the playoffs and I am one of the most overly superstitious people on the planet. I will not predict who will win any series in the Western Conference because only one team matters to me and I could not in any way be objective. But as for the Eastern Conference matchups...

#1 Boston vs. #8 Montreal - An Original Six matchup in the first round features two teams that hate each other more than Texans hate people who read above a 5th grade level. It's that hatred that will force this series to see at least 6 games with Boston eventually moving on.

#2 Washington vs. #7 New York Rangers - Although a playoff season full of Sean Avery (who is back with the Rangers) would be very entertaining to me, I have to say Washington moves on seeing no more than 5 games. Washington and Ovechkin are simple too good. Hilarious preview of this series here.

#3 New Jersey vs. #6 Carolina - Carolina has been playing great hockey as of late and still have quite a few remnants of the team that won the Stanley Cup a few years ago. New Jersey has Jesus Brodeur in net. Carolina in 7?

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #5 Philadelphia - BATTLE OF THE KEYSTONE STATE!! I want to say Philly wins this series but c'mon, the fix is already in. There is no way Gary Bettman and his cronies allow the Penguins to get beat in the first round. Pens in 5 because Sidney Crosby is still considered Hockey Jesus.

And there are my round one predictions for the Eastern Conference. My heart says Boston will win the East but my head keeps telling me it's going to be Washington. I'm saying this and sticking with my guns, Boston wins the Prince of Wales trophy and plays some team from the Western Conference for the Stanley Cup.

As for the Western Conference Matchups...without predictions.
#1 San Jose vs. #8 Anaheim - A great rivalry that should be fun to watch. Don't Sharks eat Ducks?

#2 Detroit vs. #7 Columbus - Blue Jackets first trip to the post season in franchise history...more on this later.

#3 Vancouver vs. #6 St. Louis - The Blues have been the hottest team in hockey since the All-Star break. It'd be nice to see them move on. Vancouver still has Luongo and the Sedin twins.

#4 Chicago vs. #5 Calgary - Chicago is going to be the next big thing in the NHL next season. Calgary has a ton of former Michigan players. When in doubt you go with the team with the most Red Berenson guys. That being said...Chicago is 4-0 against the Flames this season. I'm just saying.

Without jinxing anything, one of the above teams will win the West and take on a team from the East (Boston) for the Stanley Cup Finals.

Ok moving on...

The Columbus Blue Jackets? I remember when the NHL announced that Columbus was getting a team. It blew my mind. Of all the large cities in Ohio...they figured the best place to drop an expansion team was F-ing Columbus? Not Cleveland or Cincinnati? I figured it would never work.

I was wrong. The Blue Jackets (who from now on will be refered to as the BJs because typing out Blue Jackets is annoying and yes for the sexual connotation. They are an Ohio team, I do not like them) have a rabid fan base and a Civil War cannon they like to shoot off after goals in their building. Playing in Columbus is typically not a treat but throw in the fact that it's the BJs first trip to the post season, things could get pretty rowdy and the place could be tough to play in.

Keys to winning this first round matchup are brought to you by the letters, N, M, T, U, and O

N is for Nash - Rick Nash is a young and underrated superstar in the NHL. Nash scored 40 goals this season (5th in the league) and handed out 39 assists for 79 points. Nash has been a Red Wing killer throughout his career. This season in 6 games against the Wings he has 6 goals including two short handers in the same game. In 38 career games vs. Detroit, Nash has 37 points. The guy can straight up play hockey and stopping him is the key to winning the first round series.

M is for Mason - Steve Mason is a 20 year old goaltender from Oakwood, Ontario. Drafted in 2006 by Columbus, Mason is going to be the next great netminder in the NHL. In 61 games this season, Mason has a 33-20-7 record with the league's second best GAA at 2.29. The kid is a shoe in for the Calder Trophy (rookie of the year). Just like I harped on all last year throughout the playoffs, the best way to beat a goalie is to get a lot of traffic in front and pepper him with shots from all over the place. Mason takes up a lot of the goal with his 6'4 frame but he's still very young and has never played in a playoff game in the NHL.

T is for Tyutin - Fedor Tyutin is the BJs best blueliner. Another young and talented player, the 25 year old Tyutin has developed into a fundamentally sound player instead of the human cannonball he was while with the Rangers. 9 goals and 25 helpers give Tyutin 34 points with a +/- of +1. That plus/minus stat is intruiging because Tyutin played in all 82 games this season, you would think it would be a little higher for a player of his caliber. Tyutin had 81 penalty minutes this season. A career high which means get him agitated and he'll do something stupid and the Wings will go on the power play.

U is for Umberger - RJ Umberger was a star at THE Ohio State University back in the early 2000s. Yet another relatively young player at 26 years old. Umberger was great for the Flyers playoff run back in 2007 with 15 points in 17 games. This season, Umberger registered 26 goals and 20 assists for 46 points with a +/- of -10. Yikes, a -10 while playing all 82 games. This is good for the Wings, when you see Umberger on the ice...start shooting. It will go in.

O is for the state of Ohio - For those of you that failed geography or have never looked at a map, Ohio is the state directly south of Michigan that isn't Indiana. Ohio is generally viewed as the worst state in the union. Ohio smells like fecal matter. Ohio cops are dicks that will pull you over for sneezing. People from Ohio are usually uneducated douchebags. In Ohio, it is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Ohio is home to Cleveland, Cleveland set a river on fire. Columbus is the capital of Ohio, therefore, since Ohio sucks, Columbus and all of her residents also suck. Columbus is a whore. OHIO SUCKS!!

That being said, hopefully you're now ready to be a borderline educated fan for this first round of the NHL playoffs. All games in this series are on Fox Sports Detroit and start at 7 except on Saturday when it inexplicably starts at 6.

IT'S PLAYOFF TIME!!! Red Wings Live Blog tomorrow night with Otter and a Hot and Ready pizza. If Otter will talk to me that is.

Oh and on a side note...Galarraga pitched an absolute GEM today against the Pale Hosers from Chicago. Tigers win 9-0. Boo-Yah!

Random Acts of Randomness

Apparently Allen Iverson wasn't a good idea at all. Reports are saying he's been essentially banned from the Pistons and, as heard on 97.1 this morning, he's been banned from two of the three downtown casinos. Um, wow.

Unfortunately, the Pistons made the playoffs as the 8th seeded team in the Eastern Conference and will play Cleveland in the first round. This is really a win-win for me because if they win this series it gives Ohio a big FU and if they lose, I don't have to watch, talk, or write about them anymore until they screw up on draft day or fire Michael Curry...whichever happens first (I'm guessing Curry).

Speaking of Pistons, I heard today that Isiah Thomas just took the head coaching job at Florida International University...that's all I have to say about that. It still amazes me how far the Pistons have fallen this season and I'm not sure who to blame. I'm trying not to blame Joe D but...it's hard not to.

Let's talk Lions...no, no let's not. (Mock Draft is soon approaching)

The Tigers are now 4-4 on the year but that's not anything worth talking about. Mark "The Bird" Fidrych passed away on his farm in Massachusetts while fixing a truck. The Bird has long been considered one of the most intruiging men to ever play the game of baseball. I of course never saw him pitch, but I do remember my dad talking fondly of him. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about Mark Fidrych. He was 54. (More on Fidrych from people who actually know what they're talking about here, here, here, here, and here)

On a lighter note, the Tigers play today at 1 against the absolutely hated almost as much as the Tribe, White Sox. Zach Miner got roughed up for 8 runs over 3 1/3 innings. That's just not gonna cut it and I would like to lead the charge to bring Nate Robertson back into the rotation. I mean, it would be good to have a lefty in the rotation right? Maybe? That's just me and what do I know right? Porcello gets the ball today for the Tigers. I have a bet with a buddy of mine that Rick Porcello will win 15 games this season in the Major Leagues...today would be a good day to notch that first one against the hated Palehosers from the Windy City.

The NHL Playoffs start in Detroit on Thursday at 7. The Wings ended up as the #2 seed in the West and will square off with Columbus (yes, Ohio has hockey) in the first round. Full preview of the first round will happen either later tonight or tomorrow. Personally...I like our chances.

I hate the April in the D song more than I hate cancer. I wish I was joking. It's awful and those in charge of it should be fired.

Tigers Live Blog!

My New Most Disliked Tiger

Edwin Jackson was lights out tonight. Absolutely, without question lights freaking out. Until Patterson said, "Keep him in, he's pitching a one hitter."

Of course, next pitch...gone. No more shut out. Otter and I were still optimistic, a two run lead late in the game will give you brief glances of optimism. Bobby Seay came in, faced one batter, got the out and his work was done for the night.

And then...Brandon Lyon happened. Yes, the same Brandon Lyon that gave up back to back to back to back home runs against Boston in spring training. The same Brandon Lyon that occasionally closed for the Diamondbacks last year and was supposed to be the closer for the 09 Tigers. I had my doubts after the Boston Massacre and those doubts were realized tonight.

With two away in the bottom of the 8th Lyon served up a meatball to Aaron Hill who promptly hit the ball half way to Moose Jaw to give the Jays the lead.

Hope was not lost as Inge came up and hit another moonshot to tie the game in the top of the 9th but then Lyon was for some reason left in the game where he loaded the bases and Rod Barajas hit a walk off sac fly to center to end the game.

After a great (spectacular really) start by Jackson, Brandon Lyon lost the Tigers their second game of the season. And in one fell swoop...has earned himself onto my shit list along with Bobby Higginson, Juan Gonzalez, and Fernando F-ing Rodney as my most disliked Tigers of all time.

And wtf Leyland? Why not Perry or hell even Rodney in the 9th? Get gas can Lyon out of the damn game! I know who I'm gonna boo like hell when I make my first trip to Comerica this year.

Brandon Lyon, you suck.

WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!! Opening Day LiveBlog!

OPENING DAY and Some Basketball Game

An hour and a half from this very second (give or take a couple seconds or so) the 2009 Tigers season will officially be underway. Verlander will take the hill against Roy Halliday. Yikes.

In other news...around 9:30ish the Spartans will play for the National Championship against the chumps from tobacco road North Carolina. I want to take this quick moment to remind you that if you're not rooting for State tonight....you're a douchebag.

TECHNOLOGY UPGRADE ANNOUNCEMENT!
Tonight we (well, me, I) will be liveblogging the Tigers' opener using a feature called Cover It Live. CIL basically works like a chatroom and will allow me to liveblog the game without having to continually refresh my blogger publisher page. What this means for you, my dear readers, is that you can come to Tobacco Juice Sports, click on CIL conversation, select a username and join in the conversation with witty banter, insights, opinions, and personal insults directed to myself. This will also allow me to take the (ISH) off of the typical Live(ish) Blog post. Which is nice.

So remember, tonight...WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!


LiveBlog starts at 7:00 if you're not too busy, you should stop by and tell me what you really think.

SPARTY ON!!

News and Notes and Stuff

Porcello is in the rotation, Perry is in the bullpen, and Thames is the DH.

So is this some kind of April Fool's joke on me or something? Everything I wanted the Tigers to do, they did? I like it!

So according to the Freep and the Detroit News and the Tigers' website the Tigers have one more cut to make having to choose between Brent Clevlen and Jeff Larish. Early reports say it will be Larish to take the final roster spot. The only problem I have with this is the fact that Clevlen is out of minor league options and would have to clear waivers for the Tigers to keep him in Toledo and I don't think a player with his potential would clear waivers. The Tigers will most likely try to trade Clevlen before having to lose him to the waiver wire. It's kind of sad but that's how baseball works.

The Free Press reported that the starting rotation will be Verlander, Jackson, Galarraga, Miner, and Porcello (who will most likely be the Comerica Park opening day starter which is kind of bad ass). Robertson, and Seay will be the lefties out of the bullpen with Rincon, Perry, F-ing Rodney, Lyon, and Bonine rounding out the pitching staff. When/if Bonderman gets healthy again and can be effective, this will send Miner back to the pen and could possibly mean Perry goes to Toledo or Erie unless he comes out next week throwing gas and getting outs. The same can be said for Zumaya but, as much as I hate to say this, I'm close to giving up on him. I hope he proves me wrong and can do what he did in 2006 but only time will tell.

The 2009 season starts on Monday at 7:15 in Toronto. Live-ish blog will most likely be happening.

Now for something completely different...

The Pistons are in 7th place in the Eastern Conference. They are two games ahead of 9th place Charlotte. This means I am now a Charlotte Bobcats fan for the rest of the season. I want the Pistons to miss the playoffs, get in the lottery and draft someone useful for next year. Iverson is back and two games after his layoff he's bitching about not playing enough. Joe Dumars...you have failed us as fans and driven the current day Pistons back into the Teal Era Pistons and I am no longer a fan of your team. The hell with it, BRING BACK THE TEAL!!! I'm done with the Detroit Pistons and the NBA as a whole. GO BOBCATS!

Other than Opening Day being 5 days away, the only thing that brings a smile to my face is the Wings. With six games left in the regular season, the Wings have second place in the West locked up and are four points back from San Jose for the President's Cup (awarded to the team with the most points in the regular season and usually a playoff curse). If the season ended today, the Wings would be the second seed in the playoffs and would take on Anahiem in the first round. A matchup that makes me nervous yet confident. It's almost time to grow that playoff beard again!

Oh, and the Lions still suck and will most likely draft Joey Harrington, I mean Matt Stafford with the first pick of the draft. Just what we need, another quarterback that will continue to lead the Lions down the path of ultimate disappointment.

Remember Michigan fans, if you aren't rooting for State this weekend in the Final Four, you're an asshole!
Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Aw Hell....and Other Points of Note

The Tigers released Gary Sheffield this morning. I'm kind of sad about this. I mean, the guy was 1 Home Run away from 500 and the Tigers cut him before he had the chance to get it. I always liked watching Sheff play ball with the Olde English D on his chest, but those days are now over. I hope for nothing but the best for Gary Sheffield.

Now, on a more positive note...THE TIGERS RELEASED GARY SHEFFIELD! Do you realize what this means?? This means Marcus Thames, one of my favorite Tigers in recent history, could be the new everyday DH!! This means BOMBS A FREAKING WAY!!!
That, of course, is my own wishful thinking. In reality, after trading prospect Rudy Darrow to the Braves (what is it with the Tigers constantly trading with Atlanta?) for extremely speedy outfielder Josh Anderson, what we will most likely see is Carlos Guillen taking more days as the DH with Anderson taking his place in Left. This is something that the fan in me disagrees with, but the baseball guy in me thinks could potentially work out. Anderson provides the Tigers with much needed speed on the basepaths AND a left handed bat in a lineup full of right handed hitters. All that is well and good, until I did a little more research on the guy and found out Baseball Prospectus had this to say about him: "Now 26, he's still nothing more than a fifth outfielder." Um, what?

So apparently Anderson kind of sucks? So does this actually mean Marcus Thames could be the every day DH and backup first baseman? Why did they go for Anderson again? Basically I'm saying I have no idea what could happen. Let's just hope my first guess was right about Thames as the DH and he'll hit like 97 home runs this year.

Speaking of the Tigers, what the hell are they gonna do about this starting rotation?? Going into the year, this is what we all had in mind...Verlander, Bonderman, Galarraga, Jackson, and Robertson, Willis, Miner, someone else. Not entirely too bad of a rotation. Now, with injuries and all that, it could look something like this...Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Some guy, and please God please let it be Rick Porcello. Bondo is still not ready and will start the season in the Minor Leagues rehabbing. Willis is on the DL with an anxiety disorder and Robertson, although he has pitched well this spring, sprained the thumb on his pitching hand apparently trying to barehand a throw from second. All I can tell you is this, Rick Porcello needs to be in the starting rotation. I would be perfectly happy with a Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Robertson, and Porcello rotation. Of course, I'm not Jim Leyland so my opinion does not matter.

The bullpen might just be the strongest part of this pitching staff. Eddie Bonine has pitched 14 spring innings and allowed one run and is 3 for 3 in save opportunities. Bobby Seay has a 1.42 ERA in 12.2 innings this spring. Clay Rapada is at 1.64 in 11 innings. Juan Rincon, who is my new favorite as the Tigers closer after Brandon Lyon gave up 4 bombs in a row last week, has pitched flawlessly this spring with no runs allowed in his 12.1 innings. Hell, even Fernando F-ing Rodney has earned the praise of Leyland. But the one wild card I want to throw into the mix is young fireballer Ryan Perry. The 22 year old rookie has a spring ERA of 0.84 in 10.2 innings allowing only one run and striking out 11. If you're Jim Leyland, how in the hell do you not give this kid a plane ticket to Detroit in a few days?

Enough Tiger talk. It's getting me a little too fired up for opening day (April 6th in Toronto, oh and by the way, if Porcello would in fact be the fifth starter, he would be the opening day starter at Comerica Park on April 10th which would be awesome). Let's talk about how my brackets went all "Boom Goes the Dynamite" on me.

In my Final Four, I had Louisville, Memphis, North Carolina, and Pitt. Well, Louisville got beat by State, Memphis by Mizzou, and Pitt by 'Nova. My only remainder is North Carolina. The good news is, they are on the opposite side of the bracket as Michigan State which allows me to root for the Sparties on Saturday.

And how cool is that? How cool is it that the Sparties are in the Final Four at Ford Field? With all the B.S. surrounding the state of Michigan right now, this could turn out to be a much needed distraction. And I can tell you this, I am a life long Michigan fan but I will guaran-damn-tee you I will be pulling for State with no hesitation at all. And for all you Michigan fans out there, if you are not rooting for State, you are assholes. Sometimes you just have to root for what's right and right now, being a State fan for a weekend is just the right thing to do. And if you have a problem with me saying this, then you are the asshole Michigan fans I am referring to right now.

Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Sparty On!

Coug-tastic!

I know this is a few days old but the #9 seeded Michigan State Women's Basketball team beat Duke, a #1 seed on the Breslin Center floor. How did State get a home game as a #9 seed? Hell if I know, that's how the women's game is played apparently. Bonus points for the NCAA for allowing this to happen, knowing full well that Duke's coach left Sparty for more money and that the Breslin Center fans would of course boo her ass off. Suzy Merchant coached for a few years at Eastern Michigan and did a hell of a job which earned her the job at State when McCallie left. Playing a home game in the tourney against the number one seed aside, State made a hell of a hire.

In other news, the Lions have a new logo. It's pathetic. Other views available here. Leave it to the Lions to even screw this up. Granted, after going 0-16 they needed to do some re-branding but this is not exactly what I had in mind. I mean, it's the same logo with some white skid-marks on it. What the hell??? If you're gonna change the logo...CHANGE THE DAMN LOGO! Never ceases to amaze me as to how incapable this organization is to succeed.

Oh and the Pistons have lost 7 of 10. Yep, game over.

Oh and the Wings have won 4 of their last 5 and are tied with San Jose for the best record in the league. Boo-Yah!

And What Did We Learn...?

I woke up this morning feeling a little better about what happened last night. I still think Michigan got forcibly boned in the ass by the officials and I still think the CBS hum-job of the Griffin family was a bit much. But when I look back on it, if you tell me this time last year that Michigan would win a first round NCAA tournament game and then be an 8 on 5 powerplay away from going to the Sweet Sixteen, I probably would have laughed in your face. No matter what, this was a season of great success for Michigan basketball and I look forward to the years to come.

I have spent most of my waking hours in front of Mom and Pop's new flat screen and engulfed myself in HD coverage of the Big Dance since I got home around 4:30 on Thursday. With my brackets and a bottle of tobacco spit by my side, I watched every game CBS would allow me to watch. Needless to say, over this amount of time, I have learned a few things...

- Big East teams are entirely too good. UConn, L'ville, Pitt, 'Nova, Syracuse, are just peckerslapping teams on the way to the Sweet 16. West Virgina on the other hand decided to lose to Dayton but that's ok they were going to lose to Kansas anyway.

- When picking a bracket, you have to pick at least 4 upset games. Hamilton picked Cleveland State to beat Wake Forest. I picked WKU, Michigan, Maryland, and Utah State. 3 outta 4 ain't bad.

- The 8/9 matchups kill your brackets. I lost 3 of 4 only picking Siena correctly. Yeah, that's right. Screw you state of Ohio.

- The Axe Anti-Perspirant commercial was funny the first 8 times I saw it. Now it's just kinda gross and repetitive. Although the end of the commerical when the chick duck and covers away from the dude's armpit as they're walking on the beach still cracks me up.

- After watching all these games, there are plenty of good seats still available at every arena. Just a sign of the times I guess. I can't wait to see how many people don't go to the Final Four in Detroit. Then I can't wait to read the articles and the news stories about how people can't afford to go to games anymore.

- 15 of my Sweet 16 are still intact which leads me to believe that I am a great guesser!!

- Watching Michigan anything with my Dad is an experience unlike any other. Very creative guy.

- If you're so unathletic that you have to use a "Man Step" to get into the bed of your truck, you probably should just buy a Prius and call it good. All trucks are already equipped with "man steps" they're called tires.

- An Erin Andrews-less big time college broadcast, is a lesser big time college broadcast.

- Basketball officials have entirely too much impact on the outcome of a game. This is why that NBA ref gambled on games he was officiating, because he could steer the outcome that way with the occasional bullshit call. If a ref doesn't like a player or team, he can bone said player or team as much as he wants. It's un-fair but at the same time, that's what makes basketball what it is.

- Little brother Aaron picked the Sparties to win the title in the Tobacco Juice Pants Party pool...I can't wait to not have him win a free t-shirt.

- "Cocksucker," "Douchebag," and "Fuck," are the most common words in the English language for the first week of March Madness.

- I have grown to absolutely hate everything about Subway and their goddamned $5 footlongs.

- It's amazing how fast 30 cans of Busch Light can disappear when there's a good game on.

As of right now, Syracuse is beating up Arizona State which is good for me. The following teams will win today: Sparty, Cardinals, Jayhawks, Tigers, Panthers, Orange, Wildcats, and Musketeers.

Blake Griffin is Apparently Jesus

Michigan just lost to Oklahoma in the second round of the NCAA Tournament. My thoughts...

- CBS thinks Blake Griffin is Jesus and the greatest basketball player who has ever lived. It's like he was fuckin Tim Tebow out there. The broadcast team was blowing him, his brother, and his parents like a two bit hooker would blow a movie star. Unbelievable.

- The officiating in this game is what won the game for Oklahoma. Manny Harris sat out for most of the first half with two fouls. CJ Lee fouled out with about 6 minutes left. Sims was in foul trouble. Somebody on Michigan's bench apparently got T'd up after a traveling call on OU. If someone breathed on Jesus, it was called a foul. Absolutely pathetic. Let the kids play!

- Yes, I know Michigan had no business advancing to the Sweet Sixteen. They are not that good. HOWEVER, they played their asses off and I truly believe they were absolutely hosed by the officials and if John Beilien doesn't go absolutely apeshit in the post game interviews about the officiating...well, let's just say he has more restraint than I do.

- Anthony Wright (who??) had a great game and kept Michigan in it with Manny on the bench early. Kudos to him.

- I want to re-watch this game and count how many times Griffin's parents were on TV. I would set the over/under at about 20 which is just fucking stupid. CBS SUCKS!

- Coming into the game, I really liked Oklahoma and both Griffins. I liked the way Blake Griffin played especially. After the game however, I have decided that the Griffins are douchebags.

- After reading all the Michigan blogs all morning (before going to the driving range with Hamilton) and watching the interviews on Big Ten Network, I set myself up for being really pissed off when Michigan lost. I thought they had a chance and goddamnit, they did have a chance, which brings me to my next point...

- MICHIGAN GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!!

That is all. Now I will commence to drinking beer with Dad and Ben all while being pissed off about what just happened. I'll write something tomorrow or whatever.

Saint Patrick's Day Order of Events

Tomorrow is the day I've been looking forward to for entirely too long. Some might attribute this to alcoholism but that's simply not true. This is the last St. Patrick's Day of my college years. For the rest of my life, I will most likely not be able to go out and drink all day in the middle of the week so why not have a little fun with it right? The order of the days events will be as follows...

6:00 AM - Wake up, shower, eat oatmeal and slam cup o' coffee
6:45 - Get in car, drive to Buffalo Wild Wings for 7:00 pint of green beer
7:30 - Leave B-Dubs, go to class to turn in paper and take a quiz.
10:30 - Class is over, mass text messages to all people in my phone that live in Washtenaw county to encourage them to join me for a brew or seven at Powell's Pub. Drive to Powell's from campus, leave car there for duration.
1:45 - Unless the people I'm with tell me I can't leave, walk back to campus for 2 o'clock class.
3:00 - Walk back to Powell's. Irish Car Bombs and Guinness
5:15 - Back to campus for semi important class session which features me in front of a television camera from the late 60s for my broadcast class (ask teacher out for drinks after class)
7:00 - Walk to Pub 13. Resume attack on liver with Irish Car Bomb to get back in the groove
1:45 - Start thinking about exit strategy.
3:00 - Randomly find way home, drink water, pass out.
Sometime Wednesday - Find way to go get my car, drink pedia-lyte un-tag embarrassing facebook photos

Basically, this is the greatest plan ever and should result in drunken tomfoolery for the entire day. It's supposed to be a beautiful day so come on out and have a drink with me. You know you want to.

TOBACCO JUICE PANTS PARTY!

I went with Yahoo instead of Facebook for some reason or another so make yourself a Yahoo ID and then go to yahoosports.com and join the private group.

The Group ID# is: 96570
The Group Password is: tobaccojuicesports

Sign up by Thursday because, well, the games start Thursday. And remember

FREE T-SHIRT to the winner!

Selection Sunday Boo-Yah!

Eleven years. The eleven year drought for Michigan basketball is finally over. But when you think about it...so what?

Everyone I've talked to says I'm an idiot for thinking this one lone thought: "I would rather win the NIT than lose in the first round of the tournament."

Granted, now that Michigan is officially in the tourney as an 10 seed facing Clemson in the first round (which is winnable but more on that later) I take that thought back. I am much happier seeing the Maize and Blue back at the big dance, early exit or not, I'm glad they're in. After all the bullshit this team has been through since 1998, the Ellerbe Era, the Tommy Amaker years, the Fab Five Forfeiture, and the NIT Championship, they are finally back to playing at the level required to make it to the Dance.

That being said...do I think they'll beat Clemson? Yes, I think they will beat Clemson in the first round but only if they get stupidly hot from behind the arc, or they give Sims the workload and let him take over the paint a la what they did against Iowa in the Big Ten Tourney. If A or B don't happen then see you later, nice job making the dance and enjoy watching from Ann Arbor.

As for the brackets. I will have available a group on either ESPN or Yahoo for you to join, with more info on that coming tomorrow. Grand Prize will be the T-shirt of your choice from the Tobacco Juice Store.

After watching the selection show and seeing Louisville as a 1 seed I have to say the committee screwed the pooch. Sure, they won the Big East (widely considered the Jesus of college basketball) but after watching them a couple of times this season, they did not overly impress me and I don't think they are a Final Four team and will lose before the elite eight probably to Wake Forest. Oklahoma or Memphis deserve that 1 seed over Louisville with UNC or UConn as the overall #1 seed.

Hamilton disagrees and says Louisville deserves the spot. Aaron still thinks the Sparties should be a 1 seed but he hasn't watched more than five minutes of basketball all year long. Too busy being superman to watch hoops. Dad throws his two cents about the tournament saying, "Eh, I dunno, I have to do my research."

Well do your research Dad and have Aaron or Mom help make you a Yahoo account so you can join in our bracket contest.

I'll put up another post with all the information later on this evening so you can join us in the Tobacco Juice Pants Party bracketology challenge!



It's a great day for Michigan Basketball. Now don't screw it up.

The Official St. Patrick's Day Survival Guide

In all of my excitement about St. Patrick's Day coming up on Tuesday, I have been telling random passerby about my plans which typically are met with looks of astonishment and bewilderment and other looks of shock. A question I'm usually asked is, "How in the hell can you do that?"

Surviving St. Patrick's Day, the most sacred of all the drinking holidays, isn't really all that big of an accomplishment. If you wake up the next day, you win. But if you want to really enjoy yourself and not puke all over the bar and possibly end up in the slammer for the night, stick to this strategy and you should find your previous criminal record intact and your clothes not covered in green barf.

First of all, in order to truly enjoy the day, you have to start early. Wake up around 6:30 (yes, there is one in the morning too) start a pot of coffee and take a slightly longer than normal shower. After getting out of the shower, and this is an EXTREMELY vital point, put on entirely too much deodorant and cologne and be sure to Gold Bond the boys (girls have no idea what I'm talking about here but guys, you know...you know) until they resemble powdered donut holes. This is a very important step because, think about it, you're going to be walking from bar to bar and eventually be smelling like stale beer and corned beef and the more coverup you have the better.

Now that you've got your stink prevention out of the way, pour yourself a cup of joe and if you have it, mix in some Irish creme then pour yourself a giant bowl of oatmeal because you're gonna need something in your gullet before you start this adventure. After having a cup or two, find your way to the nearest bar (I'm not advocating drinking and driving but c'mon it's two Irish coffees...if you're buzzed up by that you might want to not participate) for the early bird drink specials. Buffalo Wild Wings here in Ypsi opens at 7am and has quarter pints until 9am and then they're up to 50 cents which is still outstanding.

Now, in my own case, I have to go to class at 8am this year so this means I'll only be able to stay for one or two before heading down to campus. For those of you with the luxury of not having anything to do, this is where you post up at the bar and drink a few pints while the price is right. Just remember, St. Patrick's Day is a day of marathon drinking. I'll say this again and in caps because this is possibly the greatest piece of advice this blog post will give you...

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY IS NOT A SPRINT! IT IS A MARATHON! PACE YOURSELF!!
Nobody starts off a marathon in starting blocks and goes sprinting off. Those people usually die and that is not the objective here. The objective is to make it to last call without getting arrested or passing out.

That being said, when you're at the first bar of the day, you need to just enjoy yourself and those around you. The best friend for drunks on St. Patrick's Day is other drunks, so make some friends and watch SportsCenter. I would drink 3 or 4 pints of the cheap stuff in a borderline rapid succession and then switch over to a glass of some legit Irish goodness. Guinness, Smithwicks (pronounced Smith-ix), Killians, or something of that nature just to change things up. The key is this, you must enjoy drinking the good beer by drinking it slower than the swill green beer you've been drinking. Enjoying the good stuff is essential because it slows down your alcohol intake and allows your liver to take a breather while it processes the swill green beer you just pounded.

Another very important item to mention is eat as much as possible whenever possible. You have to have something in there to soak up the booze (hence the oatmeal). The food of choice is undoutedly going to be corned beef with cabbage and potatoes. I cannot stress enough the importance of eating a hearty lunch with, dare I say it, a glass of water. Just to kind of let your body rest for the afternoon of abuse it has coming.

After a big lunch, it's time to get back on that horse and start drinking beers again. The afternoon hours are a great time to get a little creative with the drink selection and Irish Car Bombs are usually on special. I mean, I'm just saying. That's what I would do. No more than three though, remember, it's a marathon.

The afternoon goes pretty much like the morning did. Drinking, drinking, and more drinking. It's pretty simple when you think about it. Just remember to enjoy what you're drinking and the people you're drinking with. St. Patrick's Day is one of those few days in a year that you can count on making friends while sitting on a barstool, so take advantage.

Right before the bar gets obnoxiously busy, make sure you eat another big meal of corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Trust me, it will save your life.

Around 7 or 8 O'clock, you're going to start to feel the effects but this is where you have to push through it. I reccommend chewing as much tobacco as possible, but then again I'm an addict and throwing a dip in is my answer for everything. Slam a quick glass of water so nobody can see you drinking it then get right back on that horse and fight through it. Another good way of distracting yourself from getting overly wasted is to find some hot-ish chick (at this point they should all be hot-ish) to start talking to. Not flirting with so much but just having casual drunken conversation. If that leads to making out back by the dumpster or in the bathroom, you are probably better looking than me and that's ok. Distracting yourself from drinking more beer is essential to making it through last call.

If it's 11 o'clock and you're still standing on your own, you're doing great (that or you're pussyfooting with the beer and should be called out on it, drink bastard drink!). Now's the time to go back to the hot-ish girl and get her to do a Car Bomb with you and then see where the night goes. Just remember one thing, if she has a boyfriend, who just happens to be standing a mere ten feet away, don't be surprised if he gets a little fired up when she starts making out with you. And remember not to call the guy a cocksucker on the way out of the bar. Play nice.

Before leaving the bar, close out your tab, tip those that got you drunk well, and call a cab or throw up the Hail Mary at the last second and have some chick take you home. No matter what, you do not drive. You've been drinking all day remember? Not a good look. Upon arriving home you should probably drink about a gallon of water and eat a sleeve of saltines before passing out for the night.

If you follow this advice, you'll not only survive St. Patrick's Day, you'll thoroughly enjoy it and be able to tell your friends that you started at 7 and ended at 2 which will either win you praise or an intervention. Either way, it'll be fun.

OK, here's the schedule for the next couple of days...
Tomorrow - I dunno, something random.
Saturday - No post, St. Patrick's Day Warm Up (you have to train for a marathon, you can't just run it)
Sunday - Selection Show Live(ish) blog
Monday - My own St. Patrick's Day preview (where I'll be, book signings etc.)

They Have the Internet on Computers Now?

I'm back! Here's Brian Bellows!



I got my old laptop with the O.A.R. sticker on it back from the homeland and now I am able to blog again. Like I said before, blogging on the campus of Eastern Michigan University isn't exactly a fun experience. Unless of course I was sitting there outside a building or in a cafeteria just blogging about what I saw and being an asshole via Internet to all those around me. That would be one of the most entertaining blogs ever. Maybe one of these days you'll get it. But until then let's talk about stuff nobody really gives a rat's ass about.

Is it just me or has all this Alex Rodriguez hoopla absolutely sucked the life out of spring training? Typically I love watching SportsCenter this time of year to get some decent baseball coverage with season previews and the like but this year it's been all A-Rod all the time on the World Wide Leader. Whenever I turn on ESPN there's the bottom line telling me how many times A-Rod wiped his ass after his morning deuce. It was at that point when the "Too Much Information" line was crossed and I have decided to just not watch SportsCenter anymore. In fact, this is the last time I will even mention A-Rod until the Tigers play the Yanks in a three game set at CoPa April 27th-29th. From now until then the words A-Rod, Rod, Alex, Rodriguez, or DoucheTurd (as he will be referenced forever post embargo) will not be written in this space. THE ALEX RODRIGUEZ EMBARGO IS NOW IN EFFECT!

Speaking of the WorldWideLeaderInSports, I watched the last 20 minutes of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 (the "Dos") and found them borderline entertaining. As you know (well, as some of you know) ESPN is located in Bristol, Connecticut and was absolutely PUMMELED with a winter storm which forced ESPN to email its minions telling them that unless you are absolutely essential personnel you are not required to attend work. This led Golic to an epiphany saying, "Basically if you're sitting up in bed wondering if you're essential personnel, stay in bed, you're not essential personnel." Personally, I think it's a trick that ESPN is pulling to see who they can fire for not being "essential to the success of the network." That's what I would do anyway. A pink slip for every empty cube. Save millions of dollars just like that. Boo Ya!

Speaking of saving money, let's talk NBA. Apparently the NBA is hemorrhaging money and is getting something around $175 million for teams that are in danger of folding. Where's your god now David Stern? I tell you what though, at this point the entire Association could fold because my interest in the game has reached Teal Era levels. When the Pistons changed to their unis to teal with the horse head on it I just stopped watching. And that's the level I'm back to now. The Teal Era dark age led to a revolution of sorts and resulted in a championship. I don't know what to name this period of Piston history. The Period of General Lethargy? The Great Debacle Era? The End of Days? I don't know but I have noticed one thing just like the rest of you have, they have won two games in a row with Iverson on the bench...BUT I still don't care. The day they traded Chauncey away will go down in history as the day the music officially died in Auburn Hills. That's like the Wings trading away Lidstrom or Drapes, you don't trade away the blood and guts of a successful franchise and still expect to win. I don't want to talk bad about Joe Dumars but c'mon man, you serious? That's like the Pistons trading YOU away. Remember when I said time will tell if it was a good deal? Time just called, he said it was an experiement worse than when my high school chemistry teacher blew his hand up in front of a classroom full of students when he showed them what sodium does in water. That actually happened. It was hilarious.

Is it just me or is it kind of fishy that they Chiefs traded nothing more than a 2nd round pick to the Patriots for Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel? KC GM Scott Pioli had a HUGE hand in the success of the Pats over the years with Bill Belicheck so maybe Bill was just throwing his buddy a little "thanks for helping me win three Super Bowls" gift. The idiots on Cold Pizza's (which was hosted by Michael Kim and former US Soccer player hottie Julie Foudy this morning because apparently the regular cast isn't "essential personnel" oh and Foudy looked like it was the first time she'd ever done live-ish televison. Seriously, I was laughing my ass off at how bad it was. It was a slow mo hilarious car crash on repeat for the 8 minutes or so I watched) First and Ten "Two Live Stews" say it is most definitely collusion and called for NFL Commish Roger Goodell to get involved. I whole heartedly disagree with that sentiment. If Goodell gets involved he's blatantly overstepping his boundaries and that's something David Stern, Gary Bettman, or Bud Selig would do. It's one thing to install a code of conduct for your players, I'm cool with that and think it's a great idea but when you start telling teams how to trade and who to trade with, well then you're just kind of taking the whole play fair thing a little too far. If the rest of the league doesn't like what happened, too damn bad, you should have hired Pioli before the Chiefs did.

The Lions reportedly were close to stealing Jay Cutler away from Denver. I don't know how, but they found a way to screw it up. Great work Mayhew and Crew! I can't wait to see the Lions be the first team to ever choose a kicker with the number one pick in the draft. I can see it now, "With the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select...Diet Pepsi Machine?" It's like everyone they hire for the front office there in Allen Park graduated with honors from the University of Dipshit.

A couple of quick hitters here before I go and do something else with my life (like attempt to graduate).

Michigan Hoops at Crisler is a fun time. Went with Rowe on Thursday to watch them beat Purdue. My only regret is not taunting the "Boiler Up" Chanters behind us more. Boil this (insert crotch grab here) bitches! Then in the schizophrenic style of Michigan basketball, they lost yesterday to Wisconsin and unless they win at least two games in the Big Ten Tourney (they play Northwestern Thursday and then upon winning they have to play State for the first time ever in the Big Ten Tourney which should be fun. Basically, the bubble may have burst but who knows, maybe they'll hit a hot streak and win the damn thing. Doubtful but you never know.

Michigan Hockey beat Ferris State Saturday to secure second place in the regular season CCHA standings and a first round bye in the CCHA tournament. The big news was Senior Captain Mark Mitera played in his first series of the season and in his first home game, scored a goal and had an assist after being injured all year. Talk about great timing. With Mitera back on the blue-line, Michigan could be poised to make a run at another National Title. Too early to tell.

Ok that's enough. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert for those who made it through the whole post.

You're the best Bellows!

*UPDATE*
I, like a total asshole forgot to mention former Lion defensive end Corey Smith's fishing boat going missing in the Gulf of Mexico. AP just reported (1:15pm right now) the Coast Guard has found the boat with one survivor. Kind of a downer. Thoughts and prayers. More info HERE.
And HERE.