The Official St. Patrick's Day Survival Guide

In all of my excitement about St. Patrick's Day coming up on Tuesday, I have been telling random passerby about my plans which typically are met with looks of astonishment and bewilderment and other looks of shock. A question I'm usually asked is, "How in the hell can you do that?"

Surviving St. Patrick's Day, the most sacred of all the drinking holidays, isn't really all that big of an accomplishment. If you wake up the next day, you win. But if you want to really enjoy yourself and not puke all over the bar and possibly end up in the slammer for the night, stick to this strategy and you should find your previous criminal record intact and your clothes not covered in green barf.

First of all, in order to truly enjoy the day, you have to start early. Wake up around 6:30 (yes, there is one in the morning too) start a pot of coffee and take a slightly longer than normal shower. After getting out of the shower, and this is an EXTREMELY vital point, put on entirely too much deodorant and cologne and be sure to Gold Bond the boys (girls have no idea what I'm talking about here but guys, you know...you know) until they resemble powdered donut holes. This is a very important step because, think about it, you're going to be walking from bar to bar and eventually be smelling like stale beer and corned beef and the more coverup you have the better.

Now that you've got your stink prevention out of the way, pour yourself a cup of joe and if you have it, mix in some Irish creme then pour yourself a giant bowl of oatmeal because you're gonna need something in your gullet before you start this adventure. After having a cup or two, find your way to the nearest bar (I'm not advocating drinking and driving but c'mon it's two Irish coffees...if you're buzzed up by that you might want to not participate) for the early bird drink specials. Buffalo Wild Wings here in Ypsi opens at 7am and has quarter pints until 9am and then they're up to 50 cents which is still outstanding.

Now, in my own case, I have to go to class at 8am this year so this means I'll only be able to stay for one or two before heading down to campus. For those of you with the luxury of not having anything to do, this is where you post up at the bar and drink a few pints while the price is right. Just remember, St. Patrick's Day is a day of marathon drinking. I'll say this again and in caps because this is possibly the greatest piece of advice this blog post will give you...

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY IS NOT A SPRINT! IT IS A MARATHON! PACE YOURSELF!!
Nobody starts off a marathon in starting blocks and goes sprinting off. Those people usually die and that is not the objective here. The objective is to make it to last call without getting arrested or passing out.

That being said, when you're at the first bar of the day, you need to just enjoy yourself and those around you. The best friend for drunks on St. Patrick's Day is other drunks, so make some friends and watch SportsCenter. I would drink 3 or 4 pints of the cheap stuff in a borderline rapid succession and then switch over to a glass of some legit Irish goodness. Guinness, Smithwicks (pronounced Smith-ix), Killians, or something of that nature just to change things up. The key is this, you must enjoy drinking the good beer by drinking it slower than the swill green beer you've been drinking. Enjoying the good stuff is essential because it slows down your alcohol intake and allows your liver to take a breather while it processes the swill green beer you just pounded.

Another very important item to mention is eat as much as possible whenever possible. You have to have something in there to soak up the booze (hence the oatmeal). The food of choice is undoutedly going to be corned beef with cabbage and potatoes. I cannot stress enough the importance of eating a hearty lunch with, dare I say it, a glass of water. Just to kind of let your body rest for the afternoon of abuse it has coming.

After a big lunch, it's time to get back on that horse and start drinking beers again. The afternoon hours are a great time to get a little creative with the drink selection and Irish Car Bombs are usually on special. I mean, I'm just saying. That's what I would do. No more than three though, remember, it's a marathon.

The afternoon goes pretty much like the morning did. Drinking, drinking, and more drinking. It's pretty simple when you think about it. Just remember to enjoy what you're drinking and the people you're drinking with. St. Patrick's Day is one of those few days in a year that you can count on making friends while sitting on a barstool, so take advantage.

Right before the bar gets obnoxiously busy, make sure you eat another big meal of corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Trust me, it will save your life.

Around 7 or 8 O'clock, you're going to start to feel the effects but this is where you have to push through it. I reccommend chewing as much tobacco as possible, but then again I'm an addict and throwing a dip in is my answer for everything. Slam a quick glass of water so nobody can see you drinking it then get right back on that horse and fight through it. Another good way of distracting yourself from getting overly wasted is to find some hot-ish chick (at this point they should all be hot-ish) to start talking to. Not flirting with so much but just having casual drunken conversation. If that leads to making out back by the dumpster or in the bathroom, you are probably better looking than me and that's ok. Distracting yourself from drinking more beer is essential to making it through last call.

If it's 11 o'clock and you're still standing on your own, you're doing great (that or you're pussyfooting with the beer and should be called out on it, drink bastard drink!). Now's the time to go back to the hot-ish girl and get her to do a Car Bomb with you and then see where the night goes. Just remember one thing, if she has a boyfriend, who just happens to be standing a mere ten feet away, don't be surprised if he gets a little fired up when she starts making out with you. And remember not to call the guy a cocksucker on the way out of the bar. Play nice.

Before leaving the bar, close out your tab, tip those that got you drunk well, and call a cab or throw up the Hail Mary at the last second and have some chick take you home. No matter what, you do not drive. You've been drinking all day remember? Not a good look. Upon arriving home you should probably drink about a gallon of water and eat a sleeve of saltines before passing out for the night.

If you follow this advice, you'll not only survive St. Patrick's Day, you'll thoroughly enjoy it and be able to tell your friends that you started at 7 and ended at 2 which will either win you praise or an intervention. Either way, it'll be fun.

OK, here's the schedule for the next couple of days...
Tomorrow - I dunno, something random.
Saturday - No post, St. Patrick's Day Warm Up (you have to train for a marathon, you can't just run it)
Sunday - Selection Show Live(ish) blog
Monday - My own St. Patrick's Day preview (where I'll be, book signings etc.)