If I Could Write a Letter To...Tag Team Edition!

Our other contributor here at Tobacco Juice Sports, Sarahvan, decided to help out today with the letters. She's the one in italics...because italics looks girly and well...she's a girl.



Dear Michigan Football,
Welcome to the world of mediocrity! 6-6 doesn’t sound too bad about now does it? Look on the bright side, now you can just focus on recruiting instead of preparing for that pesky bowl game.
Love,
Indiana, Illinois, Arizona, Iowa, Kentucky, Ole Miss, Syracuse, etc…. and the MAC

Dear Tom Amstutz,
Congrats big boy. Way to figure out a way to get your money with even less responsibility. Honestly, how much did you really do? You wouldn’t even walk to the press conference after a football game. Made the reporters come to you in front of the locker room. Because walking 60 yards in the other direction would just be too much to ask from you. Yeah, you beat Michigan…but so has everyone else. You talked about how you wanted to just stare at the scoreboard after the game. But were you really looking at that or mustering up the energy to make the trek through the tunnel? And come on, you had a guy catch 20 passes in that game…Not something that happens every day. You were lucky at the Big House. So now you are “reassigned” within the Toledo athletic department. Yeah, the alumni office. So you will just be asking people to donate money…while reminding them that YOU beat Michigan in the Big House. But I guess I shouldn’t be mad about all this…I should really be commending you on beating the system here. No messy divorce…both sides wanted out. Now, if you could do me a favor and give someone else a call about leaving gracefully. Here is the number 734-…..
Yours Truly, Sarah

Dear Undecided Voters,
Hi there. Sorry to pull you away from all that meth you’re cooking or World of Warcraft you’re playing but I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow is the day we as Americans vote for president, senators, local stuff, you know, we make democracy work tomorrow. For some reason, you’ve been in a shell for the last ohhh…9 months to a year and have no idea what is going on with any of the candidates. To boil it down into simple terms for you, we’ve got the white dude, and the black dude running against each other for President. The white dude is pretty cool but he’s really old and probably not make it through a 4 year term (yes the president is president for 4 years and if he’s good he gets another 4) but that wouldn’t be too bad considering that his running mate is pretty hot. Yeah, she’s a girl. You know what a girl is right Warcraft guy? The black dude is pretty cool too but he had this thing where his pastor was a total wackjob and that scared some people off, but he was born in Hawaii so that’s better than nothing right? Either way, since you’re an undecided voter and you haven’t read or heard anything about anyone in any election, do us all a favor…just stay home. Cook your meth, play your gay little game, and act like it’s just any other day. Just try not to blow yourself up or anything in the process. Idiots.
How hard is it to read a fuckin newspaper?
Cole

Dear Bud Selig So let’s see, you get two teams in the World Series that you don’t want. Your solution is to postpone the clinching game for two days. Good one. At least you got everyone talking…even though all that talk was about your incompetency. But it was fun getting to relive the All-Star game that ended in a tie. Ah, the good old days.

Dear Allen Iverson and Joe Dumars,
Let me start this letter off by asking you both a question. You do know that both of your careers are on the line now right? Joe, listen man, growing up you were my favorite Piston, well, besides Laimbeer but you were right up there. You just traded the best thing that happened to the Pistons since you found a guy named Ben Wallace from Virginia Commonwealth. Chauncey Billups was the heart and soul of every Piston team he played on and you just sent him back to Denver for a guy who’s never won a championship and historically is not exactly considered a “Team Player.” Maybe he’s changed, I don’t know. Why not trade Rip instead? You are really taking a risk here Joe. As for you AI…welcome to Detroit! Don’t fuck it up. Honestly dude, I think you are a great player that in your younger years, was a dumbass. You can admit that can’t you? You’re what like 30 something now? In fact, I’ll tell you what, if you can drop 25 points with some dimes to Rip here and there every night and at least attempt to play hard assed defense, while not reverting to Philly AI, you’ll be my favorite Piston and you might just help win the whole damn thing this year. I mean, not that I’ll watch any of it until the playoffs anyway, but it’s still nice to read the paper and see that the Stones are still playing well. Just remember Joe and AI…if this experiment fails…well just don’t let it fail.
Sincerely,
Cole

Memo to all THOSE girls
I know that you are all sitting around right now, just bummed about the fact that Halloween is gone. Gotta wait another year now to be excused for wearing nothing out to a party and being celebrated for it. You had the costume idea like two months ago and spent way too much money on that little piece of lingerie and bunny ears…but who cares. You got drunk (while someone else paid) and had people grab your ass all night…and you felt good about yourself for that. Congrats. And then you just HAD to put those pictures up on facebook. As soon as you got home…you were still a little drunk posting them. And then, once you sobered up (of course) you went through ALL the pics to find the best one of yourself. You know, that one where your rolls aren’t so prominent. And your eyes aren’t halfway closed because you are just so hammered from all the red bull and vodka you have been slamming all night…that picture! Now crop it and put it up on facebook for the whole world to see how good you looked the other night…and just wait for all those great wall postings complimenting your outfit. Now you have to wait another year for this enjoyment again, while the rest of it will be forced to relive your Halloween until you do something along the same lines for New Years.
No Really You Look Great,
Sarah

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Seriously? What do you really have to prove by signing with the Lions? They’re what 0-9 now? You are not at all the missing link between them and a playoff berth. You MIGHT help them win A game. You have no idea the quagmire you’re setting foot in. I guarantee you that before it’s over, you’re gonna wish you stayed retired. They aren’t called the laughingstock of the league for nothing. Even you, Dante, are not good enough to save this franchise. Why you and not Drew Stanton? Is Millen secretly still calling the shots because this is something he would do.
Damnit!
Cole

Dear overzealous college sports fans,
As you sit there hitting refresh on your forum page to see if someone makes a comment to your comment, ask yourself something…What are you doing? I mean, honestly. You are basing your life, mood, habits, rituals, etc on 18-22 year old kids. These kids don’t care about you…they care about finding new ways to get more financial aid, more gear or more food. They don’t care that you just spent half your paycheck scalping tickets and paying for that parking pass for the game. They only care that they get their per diem money at the end of the game. Sure, there are a few who care about the game and how they perform, but these student athletes are only thinking about themselves. So I am here to help you realize that you need to move on…become a healthy fan. Only post on the forums 10 times a day. Stop emailing Jim Rome 47 times a day when 30 will suffice. Scale back to three blogs about your team. Maybe show up for work on time…baby steps.
Time to grow up boys,
Sarah

Dear Slutty Looking Halloween Girl,
Don’t listen to her, she has no idea what she’s talking about. I think you look great as a…you know what, it doesn’t matter what your costume is, lemme buy you a drink. So you wanna like, make out or something later?
See you on New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, or at random football games around the nation!
Love,
Us Guys