If I Could Write A Letter To...

Dear Plaxico Burress, or should I call you Cheddar Bob from 8 Mile?
So let me get this straight, you went to the club with your buddy Antonio Pierce on a Thursday night in Manhattan, you felt as if for some reason you needed to bring a gun with you, just in case, you then shot yourself in the leg with said gun after trying to get it out of your sweatpants pocket.
OK, there are a couple things wrong with this, going to the club is not wrong. I'm perfectly fine with that, what did you have to lose anyway? You were on the injured list at the time for a hamstring injury so why not go out and drink that thing better? I'm fine with that. You brought a gun, to which you used to be licensed to carry to the club with you. That's kind of borderline really. You shouldn't need that sort of protection as a professional athlete with enough money to pay for someone else to carry a gun for you but you decided instead to bring the gun with you into the club just in case. That's what guns are for, protection and hunting. Still, you should have known your license had expired but that will happen. Now, other than the new hole in your leg and ruined season and reputation, let's talk about what really bothers me about this whole incident. Dude, you make millions and millions of dollars a year and you're wearing sweats to the bar? Don't get me wrong, I love a good pair of sweats, but c'mon man, even my lazy ass doesn't wear sweats to the bar! Have a little respect for yourself. Have you ever tried to reach into your sweat pants pocket to fish your cell phone out of there? It's a real pain in the ass sometimes. Now when you reach in there to pull a freakin gun out, you had to have known that it was gonna get caught up on somethin and you might fire it on accident. Common sense Plax, common sense. And for Christ's sake, put a pair of jeans on next time.
Idiot.
Cole

Dear Notre Dame Football,
Do you really think you deserve to fly out to Hawaii to lose to the home team in the Hawaii bowl? You beat one team this season that finished with a winning record (Navy, and they almost lost that one) and have turned one of the most storied and successful college football programs in the country into the college football world's punchline. You know what, I can't wait to watch Hawaii absolutely destroy you. I wish you nothing but extremely painful sunburns. Turning down a bowl bid with class is probably better than getting your ass whupped by a WAC team. Oh and as a parting cheap shot, Charlie Weis should probably eat less.
You Suck!
Cole

Dear Ball State,
First for the football team, you probably should have taken that Humanitarian Bowl bid eh? Instead you get to travel back to exotic and exciting...Detroit...awesome. However, there is good news! Remember when you had a student become an internet sensation for extreme ineptitude? You don't? How soon we forget, watch this video and then I'll come back to you.



Years later, you've finally made it to the top rung of the pop culture ladder. You've been turned into a sexual catchphrase used on Family Guy.



Congrats on a great season and enjoy your trip to Detroit. You might want to get a coat.
Sincerely,
Cole

Dear Michigan Basketball,
WELCOME BACK TO RELEVANCE!!! Two wins over top 5 teams (UCLA and Puke, I mean Duke) in a little over a week means that you could play mediocre basketball from here on out and still be a shoe-in for a long awaited return trip to the Big Dance. It's great to see Crisler Arena rocking again! Take it easy on Eastern this weekend. And for the record, I was never off the band wagon. I was just a silent passenger.
I should probably go to that game eh?
Cole

Dear American Government,
Since you just like bailing people out all the time lately, how about you float me a nice "pay me back if you want to but it's really no big deal if you don't want to" loan so I can buy one of those new hybrid Dodge Rams that the dude from Chrysler was telling you about when he was on Capitol Hill. I have to tell you, you probably should have bailed out the Big 3 waaaaay before you bailed out the banks. And there's an issue here that I don't really like. You're making the automakers who employ millions of your own citizens, jump through hoops and make promises about repayment and changing the way they do things just to get a little bit of help so they CAN change the way they do things. When the banks needed money, you just kind of wrote them a blank check even though they promised no repayment and no actual change. When are you going to realize that most of America resides firmly in the lower middle class, blue collar worker category? President Elect Obama? You got anything to add to this? Hello? Anyone?
Stop worry about the assholes at the bank and worry more about the Joe Six Packs out there that are just trying to make ends meet.
Seriously,
Cole

Dear NCAA,
Do you think it's time for a playoff system yet? You don't? What if I wrote up a FOOLPROOF playoff plan for you, would you consider it then? You still wouldn't? What if I had it for you tomorrow? You might glance at it? Ok, that's all I needed to know.
Signed,
Cole

(NCAA Playoff Plan tomorrow)