People I Would Like to Punch in the Face

This new feature on Tobacco Juice Sports will make you aware of people who need to get punched in the face for their random acts of douchebaggery and other made up words.

The following people need to be punched in the face...

The ShamWow! guy.
Why? First of all, look at this asshole. Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face more after seeing this picture? What genuinely confuses me about this guy is why the headset? Are you not filming your horrifyingly annoying commercials on a sound stage that has microphones available? And dude, you deserve about 8 punches in the face for selling a shitty product and having a feaux-hawk. Absolute douchebag. Must punch in face.

NBC Sports

For hiring this guy to talk about the playoffs
Someone at NBC has a very cruel sense of humor. Granted, before he committed what was thought to be career suicide by accepting the Lions job, Millen was a very good football commentator. However...the team he built went 0-16 and he is absolutely LOATHED by an entire region of the country. You would have to think that maybe it was a little too soon to be throwing Matt Millen at the football watching public after the debacle that was the Millen Years in Detroit. Of course though, nobody at NBC cares and they are all patting themselves on the back for landing Millen again. Assholes.

Billy Mays and his goddamned OxiClean
I don't know who to blame for starting the whole "Yell into the camera and get people to buy your shit" method of advertising but Billy Mays (and his bastard son the ShamWow Guy) has turned it into an art form. An art form that when it comes on TV I immediately feel like punching the elderly. It's horrible. Does his product work? I don't know because I constantly refuse to buy it out of spite for him and the people that hired him to sell this bullshit.

People Who Watch VH1
Anyone who watches the garbage VH1 puts on TV needs to be punched in the face. Repeatedly. VH1 and the people that watch it are contributing even further to the downfall of American culture. Just you wait, a thousands years from now, people will be studying the 2000s and they'll stumble across some old VH1 tapes and declare these years as the second dark ages where nothing was really accomplished because everyone was too busy watching a bunch of skanks try to bang Brett Michaels or a Crackhead that used to be the hype man for Public Enemy. Or even worse, they'll watch I Love New York and shoot themselves in the face to erase the memory of it. Here's an idea for you morons that watch VH1. READ A FREAKIN BOOK! Put down the bong and do something else. Anything else. I hate you people.

A-Rod
You know what, back when Alex Rodriguez was playing with Griffey and Randy Johnson in Seattle, I liked him. I thought he was a good young player that could change the way baseball is played. Well, he's changed. Now that he's making $20 million a year and banging Madonna, he's kind of an asshole and nobody calls him out on it. So I am doing it now. HEY A-ROD...YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Kevin James
You know what Kevin James...I used to like you. Back when you and Stacy Carosi from Saved by the Bell were married on that show, you were awesome. You gave fat guys everywhere hope that one day even a fat guy can marry a hot chick from Staten Island or wherever gives her that crazy accent. And then you decided to make a move that will most likely turn your career into an absolute joke. You sold out and signed on to make Paul Blart - Mall Cop. It goes without saying that this movie probably shouldn't have ever been written, let alone made and distributed and you should be ashamed of yourself for taking part in it. You're better than that Kevin James. Or, well, I thought you were. Now you, the writers, producers, directors and any pissant assistant that helped make this movie all need to be punched in the face. You should be ashamed of yourself.