If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Bud Selig,
You know what Bud? I'm really getting tired of writing you letters citing your incompetence. Maybe it's time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. This steroid scandal is turning you into an even bigger joke than you were before. Oh and you're getting paid only slightly less than the highest paid player in the game (who, of course, is the center of all this steroid talk, and right before pitchers and catchers report...nice) for reasons that escape me. Sure, attendance is up but in this economic climate, how much longer do you expect it to last? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to attend at least 10 games this summer but c'mon Bud, it's time to do one of, if not both of, two things. Resign or take a pay cut. There is no reason you should be raking in $18 million a year for doing a shitty job running a league that has thrived despite your incompetence. You're turning yourself into Gary Bettman, another commish who's league is doing very well despite the efforts of its administration. Oh, and you need to make sure that A-Rod's name is not the only one released from that list of 104 players who tested positive for the juice. I need to know who to boo.
That's enough Bud, that's enough.
Cole

Dear NCAA,
I read via Deadspin that you're thinking about having a policy that takes points off the board for taunting before reaching the endzone. Oh so basically you want college football to be cold and emotionless like chess? I agree with the excessive celebration penalty for if someone does something stupid like spikes the ball or does the Gator Chomp or things of that nature but I don't see anything wrong with running into the endzone with an index finger extended. I think a rule like this would be bad for the game because of the judgment call it would be for the officials. How do you determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior? One ref's idea of good is another's idea of bad. The fewer judgment calls there are, the easier it is to properly officiate a game. There's no need for taking points off the board if some kid (that's all they are folks, these are 17-22 year old kids out there) dives into the endzone late in the 4th quarter to take the lead. That's football, it's an emotional game, let the kids play and quit being such pricks about it.
Cole

Dear India,
Fucking REALLY??? (Click the link or this will make absolutely no sense)

Dear Brett Favre,
You've always been one of my favorite players I've ever had the privilege to watch. However, after last year's retirement debacle where you left the league hanging for months on end, you better be serious about retiring this time. You had a good year (and a great year for my fantasy team early on, thank you) with the Jets but dude, you need to hang them up for real this time. Go back to Mississippi and relax for a while on the farm and enjoy the rest of your life. You have nothing left to prove. Just stay away this time. You've earned a ride off into the sunset so do it graciously.
Cole

Dear NBA,
Ok, you already know I don't really like you. That being said, don't be offended when I call you names here in the next couple of lines. NBA, you are a joke. It's pathetic really when you think about it. You were at the height of your popularity in the late 80s/early 90s when everyone was doing blow and scoring 120+ a night and now you're trying to get back to that era only sans blow. I can't fault you for trying to bring the glory days back but you're failing miserably and in some sick, twisted way, I get a great amount of pleasure watching you fail at everything. Which brings me to my next point...H-O-R-S-E. Playing HORSE at All-Star weekend is a good idea. I like it because I knew you'd screw it up somehow and sure enough you did. You took a great childhood game and commercialized it turning HORSE into G-E-I-C-O. Are you kidding me? I hope this game takes 8 hours and the arena is empty out of boredom so the talking heads over at ESPN can make fun of you for it. I'm almost hoping for an ugly strip club incident in Phoenix this weekend just to make you look even worse. Would I like you any better if the Pistons were still the Pistons and not the "Auburn Hills Whiny Millionaires Who Refuse to Rebound or Play Hard"? Eh, at this point, probably not.
Cole

Dear Jessica Simpson,
Maybe it's time to squeeze a salad in every once in a while. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. Unless Romo likes his girls a lil more than thick then by all means, for his sake eat another cheeseburger.
Everyone thinks you're fat and I think it's funny that it made CNN
HAHAHA God Bless America!
Cole

Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Happy Birthday. Tell these communists here at Eastern that I shouldn't have to go to school on Monday night. Reminds me of South Park, "I haven't seen an American take a shot like that since Abraham Lincoln" Which in turn reminds me of Wayne's World on SNL, "If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln." Nice work with that whole getting rid of slavery thing too.
200 years later...and here we are.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
DREW STANTON WILL LEAD YOU TO A SUPER BOWL! IF YOU DRAFT MATT STAFFORD I AM DONE WITH YOU FOREVER AND WILL ROOT FOR THE BEARS THE REST OF MY LIFE! More about you some other time. I can't wait to see you screw up the draft in a very Millen-esque performance.
Cole

*UPDATE*
Ok, I just watched the "Always a Tiger" video on the Tigers website...I had to wipe away a tear here in the computer lab. I shit you not. Pitchers and Catchers report tomorrow. If you can watch this video and not get goosebumps from it, you're either an asshole Indians fan or a heartless bastard. You choose. Video Here.