If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Joe Dumars,

Ok, here is my proposed plan of action. Trade Sheed. Trade Chauncey. Draft somebody good. That's all I really have for you. The free agent market is the worst I've ever seen it so basically all you can do is make some shrewd trades here and there and see if you can't keep the success of your team going. Why trade Sheed? Because he's done. It's as simple as that. Rasheed Wallace is not what he used to be by any stretch of the imagination and he's become not so much a distraction but more along the lines of a waste of space. The only conceivable place you could send Sheed is Charlotte so he can be reunited with Larry Brown. The only problem with that is, there won't be much coming back in return unless Jordan doesn't like Okafor anymore which would be nice. Chauncey on the other hand, I would actually hate to see him go as I have really enjoyed watching him play over the past few years. In my opinion, Rodney Stuckey is ready to take the reins of this team and lead them to the promised land, or at least back to the Eastern Conference Finals which is where Pistons seasons seem to go to die anyway. Congratulations Joe on building a franchise that most cities would be peeing their pants to have, but as for the city of Auburn Hills and her neighbors, it's time to change things up a bit.

Sincerely,

Cole

Dear Readers,
If you had the Stanley Cup for a day, what would you do with it?
Seriously,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Congratulations on climbing out of the AL Central cellar this weekend. You're 6 games back from the White Sox and are still very much in contention after a horrendous April and May. Do everyone a favor now, sweep the A's this week then come back to Detroit and beat the chaw spit out of the Tribe this weekend. It's probably time to go on a nice little winning streak now. Any time you're ready just let us know ok? You're lucky that most everyone in Detroit is watching the Wings right now, otherwise there would be a lot more pissed off Tigers fans out there than just yours truly.
Don't Turn Into The Pistons,
Cole

Dear Jonathan Papelbon and the Dropkick Murphys,
Thank you so much for teaching me this dance so I could properly celebrate the Celtics win over the Pistons Friday night in Ronnie's living room.

Thanks again for helping me piss off my Piston loving friends!
Cole

Dear Sidney Crosby,
"We know what we gotta do. We gotta win to stay alive." No shit Sid? You mean that in a 7 game series, the first team to lose four times is out of the series? That's how that works? Your genius rivals that of Forrest Gump. Do the hockey world a favor too, next year, focus more on playing hockey than bitching about the guys in the other sweaters being actual hockey players.
All the best to your daddy Mario,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
After a while it just stops hurting.
Signed,
The Buffalo Bills

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
Just wanted to say, nice work trying to polish a turd by putting up those little lightpost banners touting the excellence of EMU and EMU Athletics around Ypsilanti. The problem is, you can't polish a turd. It is impossible. If it were possible to polish a turd, I would recommend a few things. First of all, maybe raise the standards of admission just a touch. Eastern Michigan is usually everyone's last choice because let's face it, everyone gets in to Eastern. Hell, I got in so what's that say? It's time to quit acting like a community college with your admissions policies and maybe attract a different type of student. Like the serious-ish type. Another would be to maybe tear down a few buildings or purchase more land (with imaginary money of course) and build some nice new parking lots. I will have to begin driving to class every day and it would be nice if I could find a spot before my class is over this time. You should also consider getting rid of all of your chalkboards. That's right, I said it, EMU still has chalkboards and VCRs on carts that teachers have to sign out to use if they want to show an 1980s era public television show about interracial communication or math. I can handle the VCRs on carts, but the blackboards? I would take a ten cents a credit hour raise in tuition to put whiteboards in every classroom. Not that anyone uses them but still. Another point I would like to raise is to do something, ANYTHING to get students to actually go to football or basketball or baseball or softball games. Make it a tailgate friendly environment over at the Convocation Center (conveniently located about a mile away from campus...brilliant move there late 90s administration). If you tell kids that they can booze and then go to a game with little to no repercussions, people will go. I'm not saying sell beer at the games, just encourage a little binge drinking on Saturday afternoons in Ypsilanti. You know why Western and Central games are well attended? Not because of the quality of teams they throw out there, it's because their students have been drinking all day in anticipation of being drunk and disorderly in the stands for the game. It's the "Win or Lose We're Gonna Booze," mentality that you need. Trust me on this one ok?
I hate your guts and can't wait to leave you,
Cole

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
You are 60 hockey minutes away from hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup. Nothing more needs to be said.
Love,
Cole