Wednesday, July 30, 2008

End Of An Era

Pudge just got traded to the Yankees (yes, the FUCKING YANKEES) for Kyle Farnsworth.

I just read about it five seconds ago and don't have a whole lot of time to write about it right now. More on this and other stuff later.

I'm kind of sad right now not gonna lie.

We traded a first ballot hall of famer...

For a guy who is still in the league because he's been in some pretty sweet fights...


Great.

Monday, July 14, 2008

If I Could Write a Letter To...


Dear America,
How am I the only person outraged by this story about the Greenwich, Connecticut teenagers who built a Wiffle Ball stadium and pissed off a bunch of snobby ass rich people? What kind of country are we living in now days? Some kids build a wall and throw some bases down to play wiffle ball and everyone reacts as if they built a freakin meth lab or something. And what's worse is the fact that lawyers are getting involved now. The kids have lawyered up, the town has lawyered up, the snobby ass rich people have also gotten their lawyer friends invovled, the whole thing is just turning into an absolute shitshow. I realize that the kids probably should have built it say, in their yard or something as opposed to a public place but at the same time, wouldn't the town be kind of happy to see something like that? If the town of Grass Lake built a wiffle ball "stadium" like that, I would personally be thrilled to the point of staging an all night wiffle ball marathon tournament. I know the city of Greenwich is kind of in a tough spot as some dude broke his leg in a public park, sued the city and won millions of dollars in a settlement, but that doesn't mean that they have to wrap the entire town in bubble wrap so nobody will get a boo-boo. They're kids, if they get hurt, it's no big deal. Like my Dad once said, "No balls, no babies." It's time to let your balls drop America and quit being such a pussy about everything.
LET THEM PLAY!
Cole

Dear Billy Packer,
I have to say this, you've never been one of my favorites. You have been announcing the NCAA Tournament for something along the lines of 28 years and CBS has finally cut ties with you. Will I miss your nonsensical ramblings during the games you're involved in? Probably. Will I miss the bitching and moaning you did before, during, and after the tournament? Probably not. The good news for you is that ESPN will probably hire you because well, the World Wide Leader is all about ratings and crazy old men going on rants about this and that usually equal great ratings. Clark Kellog is going to take your spot with Jim Nantz or whoever for the tournament. Talk about a bad trade...
Keep your head up Billy,
Cole

Dear Tigers Fans,
The All Star Break is here. The Tigers are sitting at .500 on the year after being as many as 12 games under that mark earlier in the year. As I have said before, if the Tigers are at .500 at the break, everything could probably be all right. The only problem is that Chicago is still 7 games ahead. That means that over the course of the rest of the season, the Tigers need to win every time the Sox lose. The only way the Tigers make the playoffs this season is if they win the Division. Keep the faith everybody. It'll take quite a run to make it, but it's a run this team is capable of making.
Keep the faith,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
You need to make a run here and it needs to happen sooner than later. Here is how you can do it. First of all, you need to trade Edgar Renteria, a prospect (NOT MATT JOYCE) and whoever else you can find for a different shortstop or another starting pitcher (Erik Bedard from Seattle maybe?). If you can't get a better shortstop, you need to put Carlos back at short where he was decent and put Inge back at third. I know it would be difficult to pull that off, but it would be nice to have that side of the infield back the way it was. I hate to say i told you so about Renteria. It was just a bad idea. Has he done some good things? Yes. Is he capable of producing big numbers the rest of the year? Not in the way you need him to. I never thought I would say this, but Omar Infante would be nice to see at the shortstop position again. Speaking of lack of production, was I the only one who noticed how well the Tigers played with Sheff on the DL and out of the lineup? Doesn't that kind of jump off the page at you? Don't get me wrong, I really like Sheff and want to see him do well, but it's just not happening anymore. It's time to put the dog down. As for everything else, keep the gritty white guy trio of Clete, Joyce, Larish, and Rayburn around as long as possible. Their Blue Collar style of play is a breath of fresh air for this team that seemed removed from how Detroit fans expect their guys to play. Gritty, hardworking, playing to win on every play. I love it, don't change it. Keep playin ball guys, everything will work itself out how it is supposed to.
Love,
Cole


Dear Matt Joyce,
Congratulations on being the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports! Hopefully you won't soon be the official Mud Hen of Tobacco Juice Sports.
Don't Go a Changin,
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
Do you believe in Now? That's the worst slogan I've ever heard for a season ticket blitz before the season. Anything else would have been better. Hell, "Come watch us not suck as much as usual" would be better than what you have now. Use your heads you fuckin morons.
Cole

Dear Brett Favre,
Brett, dude, you're my favorite football player of all time. That being said, I don't think watching you play with any other team would be worth my time of effort. Unless it was with the Lions. Stay retired Brett. Just, just stay retired.
Seriously,
Cole

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Tigers Live(ish) Blog


I was going to write up a Ball State football preview but then I realized that nobody that reads this blog gives a rat's ass about Ball State so I am stirring up different ideas instead. Probably a game by game preview of Eastern Michigan Football instead since all the other teams in the MAC are pretty much lame. Unless you, my dear readers, want a team by team preview, then I will in fact do that. Let me know eh?

Kenny on the bump for this matinee shot against the newly hated Minnesota Twins. I say newly hated because with as shitty as the Tribe is now (15 games back from the Pale Hosers and in the cellar of the Central, this makes me happy in the pants. Suck it Cleveland.) I just figured that I might as well hate on the team directly above the Tigers in the standings. Going into today, the Tigers are 7 games back from Chicago and 3.5 back from the Twins. Needless to say, this four game set going into the All Star break is beyond crucial. A sweep would put the Tigers up by half a game on the Twins, but I'm not at all expecting a sweep. Just play good. That's all I really want.

It's Christmas in July at the CoPa today which means the guys in the bullpen are wearing Santa Hats. Cute guys, cute. Rogers looks good after the top half of the first as he retires the side in order. Too early to get excited, but it could be a good day.

Kevin Slowey takes the hill for the Twins and he wins the prize for most unfortunate name for a pitcher I've seen this year. Grando does a hell of a job leading off as he flies out to Nick Punto (Punto is the Spanish word for Whore, just wanted to say it) just beyond the infield dirt. Punto getting some early work in today as Polanco, fresh off his swearing in as an American citizen, grounds out to short. Guillen earns a walk and Cabrera grounds out to second to end the inning.

Last night I started watching the game against the Tribe as it started at 7. Bonine pitched like he had never seen a baseball before (he is now playing for AA Erie after consecutive train wreck outings) and the Tribe jumped out to a quick 6-0 lead. Naturally, I turned off the game and went about my business which involved, well...nothing really but I just couldn't bear to watch the blowout to the worst team in the division. I get a text at about 9:30 or so from Twatty that reads "FUCK YEAH!!" and I immediately turn to the game where the Tigers have tied it up with one out in the 7th. Sensing that big things were happening, I continue to watch the game only to see the routine 6-4-3 double play happen 30 seconds into my viewing. It was at that moment where I text Twatty back and tell him that I'm a jinx and will not watch the rest of the game. Of course, the rest is history now as Miggy hits an absolute LASER to the Tigers bullpen to win the game and sweep the two game set against Cleveland. Now, had I kept watching the game, I'm not sure it would have happened. Sometimes you just have to know when to turn the game off, especially if the second you join in, something bad happens. Masten used to always tell me I was a jinx. Sometimes I think he's right.

Marcus Thames is in the lineup today. Marcus is an every day player for any other team in the league not named the Red Sox and yet, the Tigers still cling to the myth that Gary Sheffield still has it. It baffles the mind sometimes. Sure enough Marcus stays productive as I type this and hits a bloop single into left. Just as any thoughts of a possible run creep into my thoughts, recent call up Jeff Larish hits a shot down to first where Justin Morneau makes a great play, steps on first, fires to second where Punto (remember, Spanish for whore) apparently tags Marcus out for the unconventional double play. Inning over and it's time for a microwaved hot dog and glass of water for lunch. Much more to come...

What the hell just happened? A guy leaves for a minute to microwave a hotdog, comes back and it's suddenly 2-0 Twins. Looking back on MLB Gameday, Rogers gave up a lead off double, then a triple, and then a single which results in a score of 2-0. Sonofabitch. Luckily as I sit down the Tigers settle down and get out of the inning without any more problems. I am really starting to dislike Minnesota.

I just saw a Detroit Lions commercial that almost made me shoot hot dog out of my nose. "Do you believe in NOW?" Honestly? No, I do not believe in NOW. Speaking of horrible. Rod and Mario were just joined in the booth by Santa Paws. And Mario asks Paws a question. MASCOTS DON'T TALK!! BAD INTERVIEW!! Mario quickly redeems himself as he says, "That's the best two minutes in Detroit television history right there." That is why we have the best commentating team in the business, they know when they are being retarded and make fun of themselves for it.

Pudge strikes out looking and is probably going to be kicked out of the game at some point today after a long stare and probably cursing at the home plate umpire. Yeah, he's for sure going to get booted, just give it time.

You know what I love about warm day games in Detroit? The dirty downriver trash comes out in droves. This usually means that the overweight girls with skinny boyfriends are at the ball park and are typically all over the TV screen. There is nothing sexier than a girl in a tanktop with the fat overlapping the straps. Hawwwwwt.

Santiago (great to see him back in the Olde English D) draws a walk on a questionable 3-2 pitch and Granderson follows that up with a double into the left-center field gap which in turn scores Ramon. Polanco kills the rally with a pop out to Punto. HIT THE BALL ON THE GROUND!! Guillen up with two out and a runner in scoring position and as you would expect the Tigers' lone All Star representative to do, he...grounds out to second to end the inning. That'll happen. Comerica Bank believes in you, your future, your business. I hate that commercial. Chris Shelton is still Steve Yzerman's Tiger.

Morneau leads off the top of the 4th with a double down the right field line. Kenny is starting to piss me off. That and the guy takes for freakin ever to pitch a game. Watching Kenny Rogers pitch in person is like watching a grammar jamboree live but with less excitement. My favorite Ex-Tiger in the world Craig Monroe hammers a line drive right at Santiago at short for the first out then Delmon Young (was it Delmon or Delwyn that threw the bat at the ump?) grounds out to first, moving Morneau to third. Harris grounds out to Santiago to strand the runner at third. As much as I hate watching Kenny pitch, I have to say that he is good at what he does.

Great commercial by Casino Windsor, sorry, Caesar's Windsor, featuring a hot blonde chick in lingerie on a bed after you won big at the tables. So you're saying if I win 50 bucks Canadian playing blackjack that I'll automatically get a hot blonde chick waiting for me in my room? That's awesome.

Bottom of the fourth, one away after Cabrera can of corned out to right, Matt Joyce steps in. I have to say, I love what the Tigers are doing with these gritty white dudes from Toledo. I especially love it right now as Matt Joyce hits a freaking BOMB into the right field bleachers to tie the game. Joyce has 7 homers this season in sporadic playing time at the Major League level. Matt Joyce is campaigning very hard to be the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports. Thames up next and hits to monster foul balls to left then hits a hot shot at Punto who then throws the ball into the fifth row behind first putting Thames at second with gritty white dude Jeff Larish at the plate. Larish is batting .195 with one homer this season in the majors, now he's batting close to .200 as he singles into right center and picks up his 8th big league RBI as Thames scores without a throw. Tigers take the lead. Larish is batting .368 with runners on base and .048 with the bases empty, and that is GREAT STAT WORK by the guys in the Fox Sports Detroit truck. Pudge comes to the plate and promptly goes down 0-2, fouls off one, then lines into right for another base hit. Santiago hits one out to the wall for a 2 run double and I almost kind of hope that Renteria is going to the 15 day DL so Ramon can stay in the lineup. Slowey is um slowly losing it out there on the mound and can't find the plate yet against Granderson. Curtis has swung at and fouled off ball four three times in this at bat and then grounds out to Punto for the second out. Polanco bails out Grando by blooping a single into center to score Santiago and give the Tigers 5 runs thus far in the bottom of the fourth. Guillen keeps the train rolling with a single down the first baseline and just like that, here comes Rod Gardenhire to end Slowey's day which is too bad, I really liked it when he was pitching. Wallside Windows can do that, they are the factory.

New pitcher for the Twins is Craig Breslow. In 19 games, opponents are batting just .197 against him. The first thing he does is throw over to first, Guillen isn't going anywhere dipshit just pitch to Cabrera. He does and Miguel hits a towering fly ball to right which is....caught in overly dramatic fashion on the warning track to end the inning. 5 run 4th for the Tigers and a 4 run lead going into the fifth. Let's take an inning off...my fingers hurt.

Ok, a lot happened in the fifth inning but at the same time nothing happened. Larish threw Punto out at the plate (oh and by the way, Punto is NOT the Spanish word for whore, Puto or Puta is, my bad) and Pudge gunned a guy out stealing third to get Kenny out of a jam. In the bottom half the Tigers loaded the bases but didn't score. Like I said, a lot happened, but nothing really happened.

There is a debate brewing between some broad and I about what a person should do after catching a home run from an opposing team. I automatically go with the tradition of throwing that bitch back to discourage any more opposing home run balls from making it to the stands. She on the other hand swears that she would keep it as a souvenir which is absolutely absurd to me. I realize that catching a home run is usually a once in a lifetime chance and that it would be really cool to do that. However, there are only a few reasons to keep a home run ball hit to you. Keep the homer ball if it is hit by your team, if it is a milestone home run ball, or if the player who hit said home run was your favorite player on the opposing team. Any and all other home run balls hit by slapasses from opposing teams are to be returned to the field of play no longer than 45 seconds after you gain control of the ball. This should give you plenty of time to look at the ball, admire the stitching, spit on Selig's signature, and throw it as far as you can back onto the field. We were at the game Tuesday night debating this as some jerkoff from Cleveland hit a home run about a section over from our seats in the left field pavillion. The guy who caught the ball admired it for a brief minute and launched it back onto the field. The Tribe didn't score again for the rest of the game. It's about positive mojo more than anything. Trust me, I'm right. Throw it back!!

Meanwhile at Comerica Park...Some guy named Jesse Crain is on the hill now for Minnesota and quickly produces two deep fly ball outs from Polanco and Guillen. Cabrera is up and Mario tells his viewers that Miguel is 9th in the AL in RBI with 56, news that quite literally surprises the shit out of me with as inept he has seemed at times this season. 56 RBI is impressive at this stage of the year. What's not impressive to me is the 0-4 performance from him today as he pops out to Morneau. I think that all this talk about Miggy getting his swing back may be a bit premature. He's had a good 5 games but is looking borderline terrible at the plate today.

Top of the 7th and Kenny is still pitching. Apparently the bullpen needs a blow today and Leyland is going to let the Gambler eat up some innings. As I type this my heart drops as they show Fernando Rodney warming up in the bullpen. How is this guy still a major league pitcher? A four run lead is not safe when you got that meatsip warming up in the pen. Kenny allows a lead off single, walks the next batter and now the Twins have two men on with nobody out in the 7th. Kenny does well however getting a double play ball to short, unfortunately Gomez is retardedly fast out of the box and beats out the throw. Runners on the corners and Kenny gets a fly ball to left which scores Punto (again, his name does NOT mean whore). Two away and an awkward pause as the FSD camera goes directly to Leyland whom they expect to take Rogers out of the game. Leyland stands pat, Rogers gets a ground ball, and the inning is over with minimal damage. The Tigers either need to score a lot of runs in the bottom half of the seventh, or they need to pray for a miracle as it appears Kenny's day is done and Fernando Fucking Rodney is warming up.

Scoring a bunch of runs doesn't look very likely as Joyce stirkes out and Thames grounds out for two quick outs. Larish comes to the plate and like the gritty white dude he is ropes a shot down the left field line that bounces into the stands for half of a home run. Pudge now with a runner in scoring position goes down 0-2 as usual and then bounces out to the pitcher. They go to commercial without telling us which pitcher is coming out. I should probably put a dip in now...

Oh great. FFR (Fernando Fucking Rodney) takes the hill to face the heart of the Twins order. This could get messy. Morneau is up and is 3 for 3 on the day with a double as he continues his ownage of Tigers pitching. FFR throws his 1-1 pitch directly to the backstop and on the 2-1 pitch serves up a rocketball to the centerfield wall that appears to maybe be a home run. The replay shows that it was indeed off the yellow line but MLB has yet to install replay so it's a meeting of the minds out there now. After a brief debate, the men in blue shirts decide to keep it as its called on the field and Morneau stays at second with his second double of the day. For some reason Rod Allen swears that FFR is one of the best in the game. I usually don't disagree with Rod Allen, but in this case he could not be more wrong. To his credit though, FFR did just get Monroe to ground out to first but the runner is now on third with 1 out. Ground ball to Guillen at third scores the run and we have a two run ball game. Rodney just threw another pitch to the backstop. If he was any good, that would be considered quirky, problem is he sucks, so it's just an example of being a bad major league pitcher. 22 pitches later, FFR is out of the 8th inning allowing one run. Bottom of the 8th coming up...can we please get some insurance runs here? I'm not liking this situation.

Tigers go down in order in the bottom of the 8th after two ugly strikeouts and a ground out. It's in Jonesy's hands now.

Todd Jones comes into the game to the sounds of "Last One Standing" by the Christian rock group MercyMe. It's a catchy tune for those that appreciate the whole Christian Rock thing. I would personally say Red Hot Chili Peppers "Rollercoaster" would be better for him but to each his own. Jonesy is about to blow another save. He allows the first batter on base with a single then the next guy hits a routine single that turns into a triple after Joyce misplays it and it rolls to the wall. Tiger killer, Joe Mauer is the new batter for the Twins who are a fly ball away from tying the game in the 9th. Sure as shit, Mauer flies out to Clete Thomas in left and the Twins tie it up. I know it's on Jones, but I'm still kind of blaming FFR for this one. And like he usually does, Jones can't get the third out on the first try. Oh and good news everyone Justin Morneau is coming to the plate. Jonesy gets yanked from the game by Leyland. Um...what? Thats got to be kind of a "Fuck You" to Todd Jones from the Tigers skipper. Bobby Seay is coming into the game. Happy is not a word I would use to describe myself right now. I can't watch the rest of this inning...

Ok, I turned the channel really quick to King of the Hill then turned back hoping that it was over now. It's not. Seay let Morneau on base and now it's Freddy Dolsi who should have been in the game instead of FFR in the 8th. Instead Dolsi comes in with runners on first and second and two away with Mike Lamb up for the Twins. I want to say right now before he possibly blows it, Freddy Dolsi is a good, young pitcher. He almost blew it. Placido Polanco makes a WebGem and gets Lamb out at first to end the inning and keep the score tied going into the bottom of the 9th.

Bottom of the 9th now and it's gonna be all star Joe Nathan facing Carlos Guillen, Cabrera, and Joyce. Nathan quickly falls behind 3-0 to Carlos and then gets a gift strike call from the home plate umpire. Carlos earns himself a walk and winning run is on with Miguel Cabrera at the plate. No way does he walk off two games in a row, I'm just saying. Nathan goes down 2-0 to Miggy who, as I have mentioned before is 0-4 on the day and not looking pretty doing it. Guillen steals second and now with a 2-2 count and nobody out, Cabrera is a single away from winning the game for Detroit, but as I just said, no way does he do it twice in a row. Cabrera walks and now its up to gritty white dude Matt Joyce who could make up for his blunder with one swing of the bat. And suddenly my mojo is ruined as the girl roomate is suddenly thinking that getting Dish Network along with Comcast and the creepy fuckin Dish Network guy is now down in my room and generally pissing me right the fuck off. How bout some warning there LE? At least let me clean my room before you have some random dude in here hooking up your goddamned Dish Network. In the mean time, Joyce pops out and now there is one out with runners on first and second and Clete Thomas, yet another gritty white dude, comes up to the plate. WILD PITCH! The runners move up and the winning run is a mere 30 yards away from the plate. Four pitches high and wide and it'll be up to Matt Larish to win the game for the Tigers. One out, bases loaded and I'm hoping against hope that a ground ball doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure the small ball loving Ben Hamilton, head coach of the State Champion Grass Lake Warriors would call for the squeeze here. Jim Leyland won't though as Larish takes strike one on the outside corner. Larish uncorks a swing but sends it into the upper deck seats behind the plate. Larish swings again and strikes out. Two away with Pudge coming up and the bases juiced. Something tells me that bonus baseball may be on the way... High and tight fastball that if Pudge steps into, the game is over. He decides to be a candy ass and backs out of the way. What happened to taking one for the team with the bases loaded? In his defense though, that pitch was a 95 mph fastball and would have probably hit him in the face. I would have backed out too. Weird, Pudge strikes out with the bases loaded on a pitch that was clearly around the fucking eyes. SONOFABITCH!!

Bonus baseball headed our way. Oh and by the way, I absolutely HATE the commercial with all the kids singing that stupid ass "Let it Shine" song for the Cornerstone private school system. SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRATS AND GO TO A PUBLIC SCHOOL!

Dolsi gets the first two out, walks Punto, Span singles and now it's Joe Mauer with runners on the corners. Great. After Dolsi gets hosed on a couple of close ones, Mauer walks and now it's Dolsi versus Casilla with two out in the top of the tenth. Dolsi gets Casilla to ground out to Placido and the Twins leave the bases loaded just like the Tigers did which makes me feel mildly better but still quite pissed off. The Tigers were up 6-2 at one point in this game and they've let these assholes from Minnesota back into the game and are playing more baseball than they needed to to put them away. Who's to blame for this? The man that started the bad mojo, Fernando F-ing Rodney.

Bottom of the 10th now and this post is retardedly longer than I wanted it to be. And just as the Tigers come up to bat, creepy Dish Network Guy is back in my basement along with girl roommate. Santiago is up and works the count to full before grounding out to second. Granderson up now with one away. Mario Impemba is a guy who must really dig the longball because in any pressure situation he mentions how many homers a guy has on the year or off a certain pitcher which then causes the batter to ground out. Case in point is Granderson who just grounded out to second. Two away now and it's Placido Polanco up against some dude named Gurrier who is probably French so I don't like him. Polanco flies out and we get another inning of bonus baseball.

Top of 11 now and Dolsi is still on the bump for Detroit. Interesting strategy hopefully it works out. So far so good as he gets the lead off man to pop out in foul territory where Clete Thomas makes a great play and flips into the stands while doing it. Gritty. Justin Morneau is up, he's reached base every time he's stepped in the box today and he is now 5-5 as he gives the Twins the lead with a home run into the old bullpen area. Why not? Two singles, two doubles, a walk, and now a most likely game winning home run. Damnit. If I'm Jim Leyland, I go on a rant today win or lose. They played about 5 innings today and thought that it was enough. Gotta finish it fellas. That's bullshit and you know it.

Bottom of the 11th coming up with Guillen, Rayburn, and Joyce due up. Guillen starts it off by flying out to left. Rayburn now up after pinch running for Cabrera in the 9th and takes a pitiful hack at a 1-1 breaking ball then grounds out to short. Matt Joyce, who deserves some of the blame for this trainwreck, steps up to the plate, hammers a line drive into the gap for a double and the tying run is in scoring position. My hopes, however, are not up. Clete Thomas is the batter now and gets hosed with a high called strike. Nasty breaking pitch for strike two and strike three called, the game is over and I'm really pissed off.

DAMNIT

Monday, July 7, 2008

If I Could Write a Letter To...


Dear A-Rod,
Ok, about this time last year you were caught red handed with a stripper who looked eerily similar to a young Jason Giambi which caused all sorts of uproar. Your wife (who is SMOKING hot by the way) forgave you and your wallet and everything was hunky dory for a while. Fast forward a year to present day New York. Now the rumors are flying that you're banging washed up and never really that hot anyway, Madonna. Madonna? Really? First of all, she's what like 50? Secondly, she's got about 19 different kids from 17 different countries. Thirdly, if she had as many stickin out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a damn porcupine. Not a good look bud, not a good look. And another thing, the All Star Game is being played for the last time in Yankee Stadium and you're gonna douche out and not participate in the Home Run Derby? Way to prove my theory that you are more trouble than the bajillions of dollars you're worth. I'm so glad the Tigers didn't get you like my moron friends said they should. Rule #47 you're an asshole.
Sincerely, Cole

Dear Marian Hossa,
I would like to be the first to welcome you to the Detroit Metro Area. I cannot congratulate you enough on turning down the security of a long term deal to sign a possible one and done contract here in Detroit in hopes that you will have your name etched onto Lord Stanley's Cup. I must warn you in advance however, if you turn into one of those, "Me, Me, Me" guys a la Sergei Federov, I will not hesitate to publicly scorn you for the duration of the season and boo you every chance I get when you sign with an opposing team. You have been warned.
Welcome to Detroit!!
Cole

Dear Major League Baseball,
It's time to fix the All-Star Game again. Yeah, it was a nice gimmick to get the fans and players "excited" about the ASG by awarding the winning league home field advantage in the World Series the year after Selig declared a tie in Milwaukee. It was a nice gesture but is it really necessary now? Especially considering the AL's dominance of the game in recent years. When you really think about it, it's a big fat joke anyway. All the players are hungover and don't care if they win or lose even though they are told they have to care. And let's talk about player selection. I am all about the fans voting for the starters but is Jason Varitek really an all star batting .217 on the year? Joe Mauer is batting .325 with 37 RBI right now and he's not going to be starting in the All Star Game. Dioner Navarro, the backstop for the best team in the AL the Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays is hitting .317 with 33 RBI and he might not even make it on the team. Something is wrong here but then again, this is a democratic society and who am I to say that Red Sox fans are idiots? They're just doing what every team's fans do and voting for their guy right? There is not right answer, some guys are just gonna get screwed but there just has to be a better way of doing things. And quit trying to make us think that it really matters, we're not as stupid as we look when we're in the bleachers drunk off our asses and yelling at the right fielder about how hot his sister is and what not.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole

Dear C.C. Sabathia,
I have to say, I am going to miss seeing the Tigers own your ass. Hopefully our paths will cross again. Try to take it easy on the bratwursts up there in Milwaukee. Your pants know what I'm talkin about.
Signed, Cole

Dear ESPN,
Thanks for trying to make Arena Football a viable option for your male viewers who are going through football withdrawls. I think your coverage is great. Now, I know that it's the summer and that baseball highlights are usually as about as exciting as watching flies make love, but your summer gimmicks that attempt to entice your viewers to watch more ESPN really need to go. Last year it was "Who's Now?" and I could write for days about how Goddamned awful that was. This year it is slightly more interesting but still lame as all hell with this "Titletown" crap. I'm telling you, if I were running your network, there would be some non sports loving hippies in Bristol Conneticut standing in the unemployment office. Stick to what made you, you ESPN.
Professional Rugby and the USFL.
Love, Cole

Dear WWE,
You used to be so cool...what happened to you?
Seriously.

Dear Readers,
Over the next couple weeks I will be doing the Mid American Conference Preview on TJS. I will do all I can not to be too biased in my opinions especially towards all of those shithead schools in Ohio. Wednesday will be Ball State.
Never Leave me, you're all I've got.
Cole

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Oh Canada and General Silliness


The complaints from you my dear readers, have not fallen on deaf ears. New job opportunities and a field trip to Canada are reasons for my lengthy absence and I do apologize even though excuses are like assholes, we've all go them, and they all stink.

What has happened during my slight vacation? Well, the Tigers are back to beating ass the way we all hoped they would have (other than dropping the last two games of the three game set to the Twins), the Wings drafted a goalie who will eventually be the best in the league, and then went out and signed Marian Freakin Hossa on the second day of free agency. The Pistons drafted another Ben Wallace clone in that kid from Indiana and then traded him for some douchebag guy who will probably never see the floor (I only say this because I don't know who the guy is), the Lions are getting ready to open camp and disappoint us all again in the fall, and Michigan unveiled new unis for football which are basically the same but different. Let's go ahead and hit these topics quickly and right down the line shall we?

As of this very second, the Tigers are sitting at 42-42 and are 7 games back of the division leading Pale Hosers from the Windy City. Just like I had previously hoped for, the Tigers won 12 of their 15 interleague games during that two week period which is great news. However, they didn't really gain a whole hell of a lot of ground standings wise which is somewhat disheartening. Good news is they are winning again but the bad news is the Sox are also winning a little too. The season is hardly close to being over and ground could be gained in a four game set with the absolutely awful Mariners this weekend. Three of four would be good but I would really like to see the Tigers take advantage of the M's ineptitude and sweep them in their Starbucks loving city. Friggin hippies. No wonder the Sonics left. In all seriousness though, the Tigers had a great month of June going 19-8 and losing only one series the entire month. I wouldn't have minded a 22-5 but really, you cannot complain with 19 wins in a month. The series in Seattle combined with the 6 game home stand before the All-Star break, is pretty crucial. Ten games from the break, the Tigers need to win at least 6 of these games to complete the first half of the year with any resemblance of success. Usually, any team a game or two above the .500 mark can consider themselves still well within striking distance of the playoffs. Verlander takes the bump tonight, Rogers tomorrow, Galarraga on Saturday and Robertson finishes off the series on Sunday. Could be good...could be bad. Keep the faith Tigers Nation, keep the faith.

Marian Hossa is now a Detroit Red Wing. Let me say that again, Marian Hossa now plays hockey for the Detroit team called the Red Wings. Illitch went into his pockets and signed one of the more underrated and unappreciated players in the game to a one year deal worth upwards of 7.5 million. How does this help the Wings? Hossa is a dynamic goal scorer and outstanding passer as well. He doesn't have the defensive skill set as Datsyuk or Zetterberg but he makes up for his defensive miscues with blazing speed. Hossa scored 43 goals along with 57 assists for 100 points in the 06-07 season, and had 92 points the season before that while playing for Atlanta. This season Hossa scored 66 points while playing for Atlanta and Pittsburgh while missing ten games with an injury. This season in the playoffs, Hossa netted 12 goals and helped on 14 others making him the Penguins second leading scorer in the playoffs behind Hockey Jesus himself, Sidney Crosby. Hossa will be just another weapon in the already outstanding Wings lineup. I would expect him to play on the second line with Franzen and any of the plethora of centermen the Wings have at their disposal. Another option is what I will call the video game option which would put him on the same line as Datsyuk and Zetterberg which would send Holmstrom down to the second line and Franzen to the third. A line featuring Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and Marian Freaking Hossa could possibly be the scariest line hockey has seen since the days of Hanson Brothers for the Charlestown Chiefs.

As for this goalie the Wings drafted...Let's be honest with ourselves here, Ozzie isn't getting any younger. Jimmy Howard will be slated in as Ozzie's backup this season and will see significant ice time. Jimmy is a good young goalie don't get me wrong, but I just for some reason don't see him as the future for the Red Wings. In steps Thomas McCollum. McCollum is said to be the next Ed Belfour. He is 6'2 205 lbs which makes me think he is the next Patrick Roy sans the bat shit crazy. In 51 games this year for the Guelph Storm of the OHL McCollum had a Goals Against Average of 2.05 along with 4 shutouts and a record of 25-17. Not exactly eye popping numbers, but this is what NHL Scout Al Jensen had to say about him:


"Number one attribute is his net position, it's second to none, there are rarely any holes and he has a great butterfly. When he is challenging and at the top of his game he is very tough to beat. He has good net coverage and he is very competitive; capable of making the big saves for his team. He handles the puck well and his play has gotten better over the course of the year by leaps and bounds. He is definitely one of those franchise type of goalies in the future. You can see that his team is very confident in front of him and he can see through screens very well. In saying all of this, I rarely see him out of position."


Needless to say, I can't wait till this kid gets the call from the big club, he could be fun to watch.


That's all for me today, tomorrow is the 4th of July and it would be unpatriotic to not show you this picture as I end the post. I will have something for you on Friday for sure. It's great to be back!



God Bless America!