Happy Boxing Day Canada!!!

After a long layoff I'm back from up north snowmobiling and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with the family and I hope you did too. Now...what did we miss over the past week?
Before I get started, just a little background music for everyone who was hating on me on the message boards (I read them, I don't post on them, they're terrible for the environment) just click the video and listen to the music as you read.



I'm never one to gloat so I won't gloat about the Ron English hiring at Eastern Michigan which is EXACTLY what that team and university needs. After watching the press conference I am convinced that this is the man for the job and EMU will once again be respectable in the MAC and who knows...they might even mess around and win the damn thing within the next two years. As far as recruiting goes, I feel that even though the previous regime was instructed to NOT recruit (very much) after the firing, the hiring of English is such a high profile one that any real football player who wants to play in the MAC would have to take a step back from their options and take a good long look at EMU again. Recruiting will not take as big of a hit as everyone is thinking and that is a very, very good thing. Oh, and since I was snowed in up north in Mesick, Michigan (the mushroom capitol of the world), I wasn't able to rip off Brian at MGoBlog and post this video after a great hire of a great football coach. I'll go ahead and do that now...

EASTERN HIRES RON ENGLISH!!!


Like I've already said, I'm EXTREMELY fired up about this hire and know that this team in Ypsilanti will be a source of pride for the community again very, VERY soon.

In other news...the Lions are now 0-15 and are a mere 60 football minutes away from being the first 0-16 team in the history of the No Fun Leage, I mean National Football League. Before I get to the Lions and their undying pitifulness, I have to chastise NFL Commish Roger Goodell for being a celebration Nazi. Last Sunday in a snowy game against Arizona, New England Patriots reciever Wes Welker caught a touchdown pass and then made a snow angel in the endzone.




As you saw in the video, it was nothing more than a guy having some fun in the snow after making a great play for a touchdown. By letter of the law, a player cannot go to the ground for a touchdown celebration which is the second biggest crock of shit involved with this incident. The biggest crock of shit and the current front runner for the "Crock of Shit of the Year" award, is the fact that the NFL (No Fun League as mentioned before) fined Welker $10,000 bucks for it. So you fine Wes Welker for making a snow angel and you let the Dallas Cowboys act like a bunch of girls in front of the press like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. Something's not right here, and if I'm Wes Welker, I make a snow angel again next week as an F.U. to Goodell and his celebration Gestapo.

As for the Lions, let's face it, they simply will not win on Sunday in Green Bay. They struggle enough there with a good team let alone with this shitpile they have rolling out every week. The Lions will be 0-16 and will forever be known as the worst team in the history of the NFL.

HOWEVER

I truly believe that Rod Marinelli is NOT THE ONE TO BLAME! It's not his fault at all. Marinelli was handed the keys to another Ford Lemon and he did the best he could do with what he had. It's not like he's Marty Mornenweig choosing to kick off to start overtime in Chicago. Rod Marinelli is simply not the one to blame. Everyone above Rod Marinelli deserves all the blame in the world. And the idea of keeping Matt Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew on as GM next season would be the biggest mistake the Ford's have made since they hired Millen. Why keep on a guy who has the same ideas and concepts as the guy you just fired? Like my old man says, most of the time it's the Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's which is the case in Detroit. The X's and O's are there, they just don't have the Jimmy's and Joe's to play on Sundays which is the main job of the GM and Millen screwed that up and I feel that Mayhew will do the same thing and leave us Lions fans scratching our heads as usual on draft day. Until Ford sells his team or gives control to his son, the Lions will never win. I know it's radical, but firing Rod Marinelli is not going to fix anything and could (somehow) make things worse.

The Pistons...OK, I'm not going to lie to you at all, I've spent exactly two and a half minutes watching the Pistons this season and that was because the Red Wings were on commercial and I hit the wrong button on the remote. That is how much I care about the Pistons. When I watch them, it's typically on accident or it's the playoffs and the Wings are off that night. Call it what you will, I simply cannot stand watching the NBA in fact, I would rather watch grass grow than watch the NBA. I would rather watch drunken clowns make balloon animals than the NBA. I would rather watch soccer, women's college hoops, Alf, reruns of Three's Company, or the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap than watch the NBA. Shit, I'd rather go to class than watch the NBA, and that's really saying something there. Dad just chimed in with a gem, "I'd rather watch heavyweight division beach volleyball than the NBA." Exactly Dad, exactly.

The Wings, well, they're just doing what they do. They're 8-2 and peckerslapped the NHL's best team San Jose last week 6-0, a win that served as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Detroit Red Wings are still the Detroit Red Wings and will kick your ass every night if you don't come to play. Ozzie has been hurt for almost a month now and Ty Conklin has done a tremendous job filling in for him, posting two shutouts and an 11-4 season record with a 2.53 Goals Against Average. Marian Hossa has proved to be the best free agent signing for any team in the offseason as he's leading the Wings in goals at the moment with 17 and is second to Datsyuk in points with 34 (Datsyuk has 37). There is one name on the stat sheet that continues to stand out to me and that name is Jiri Hudler. Hudler is fourth on the team in points behind Datsyuk, Hossa, and Zetterberg which is quite the company to be involved with. Hudler has 13 goals and 15 helpers on the year for a total of 28 but what's most impressive is that he's scored 13 times this year while only taking 66 shots which gives him a very impressive shooting percentage of just under 20% (19.7 to be exact). What does that mean? Well, if Hossa had a 20% shooting percentage, he would have scored 28 goals already instead of just 17. Either way, this is just typical Red Wings, you have your superstars lead the way and then the less noticeable guys follow their lead and play good hockey. Next week on January 1st, the Wings play in Chicago at Wrigley Field in the League's third outdoor game. So far conditions are going to be perfect but to me it doesn't matter because I'm an idiot and waited too long to buy my tickets for it. It's always a battle when these two Original Six teams face off with each other but given the grand stage this game is on, it should be even more intense and fun to watch. I just might watch the hockey game instead of the bowl games that day. We'll see.

As a Boxing Day present, here's Elisha Cuthbert doing what she does.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!!

Whoa Whoa Whoa...What?? (Update!)

Sources close to the Eastern Michigan Football program have just informed me that Louisville Defensive Coordinator and one of the hottest names in coaching Ron English is interviewing with the powers that be in Ypsilanti today. Not only is he interviewing today but from what I've heard, the job is apparently his to lose.

More to come on this later tonight.

More info on English can be found here.

*UPDATE*
Sources are saying that the interview with English today went VERY well. Well enough to the point where it's almost a done deal and we could have us a new football coach within the next week. Stay tuned.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Dallas Cowboys,
It's time to stop acting like a bunch of gossiping 8th grade girls at a junior high dance. As much as I hate your team, your owner, your players, and the shithole state you call home, I have to ask you to quit acting like a bunch of retards so I can watch Sportscenter without having to see Pedro Gomez or Ed Werder talking about how T.O. said that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were having Cowboy butt sex in the showers that day.

Seriously, enough already.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
All my life I've been a Lions fan. Not the crazy "call into talk radio shows and go off about how we need better weakside protection on the outside zone then dress up as a Lion in a throwback Barry Sanders jersey and scream at everybody at every game and at my house when they're on the road" type fan, but a fan nonetheless. As a lifelong Lions fan I have to get something off my chest. YOU GUYS SUCK! From the top of the food chain Willam Clay Ford, all the way down to Carl, the guy who changes out the urinal cakes. If I had the power and the money to buy you I would fire everybody and just start over. I'm not going to get into how I would fix you because it wouldn't work anyway. As a fan, I hope and pray that you do in fact go 0-16 this year because damnit, you deserve it as an organization. It's my way of punishing you for punishing us as fans by throwing that terrible excuse for an NFL franchise at us year after miserable year. I will be the biggest Saints fan in America this week. I hope Brees torches you for 500 and 8 touchdowns and then I hope you get shut out. You're pathetic and I hate you.
Love Always,
Cole

Dear Jake Kirkendall,
Please get EMU Video Coordinator Matt Patterson a wrist pad for his mouse hand so he will stop bitching about getting carpal tunnel.
Cole

Dear Roomates,
I woke up this morning with every intention of shoveling the driveway. In fact, I was actually looking forward to it because I'm sick like that. Everything was great this morning until I lumbered up the stairs to take my morning leak only to see this message on the whiteboard in the kitchen: "If I Could Write a Letter To... Dear Cole, Shovel the driveway, don't be a lazy bastard today. Signed, Your Roomates" Now, like I said, I had nothing but the purest intentions this morning after we got the 4 inches of snow that covered our driveway but then you had to go and ruin it by being assholes. Have fun shoveling the driveway when you get home and watch out for the water I "spilled" on the porch step. Oh and another thing, next time the internet in the house goes out, don't freak out about it. It's not my fault you have to take a five minute break from your gay little World of Warcraft quest. That shit is gayer than Cowboy Butt Sex.
Love,
Cole

Dear Stores That Play Christmas Music on a Constant Loop During the Season,
There is nothing more agitating and frustrating than Christmas music. Especially when it's been redone by someone like Jessica Simpson or Reba McIntyre or The Backstreet Boys. If you want to play some Bing Crosby once or twice an hour I'm totally fine with that but once you start getting Justin Timberlake doing a remix of Little Drummer Boy, that's when my anger level starts to peak and when I'm most likely to scream at the old lady running the register for taking so damn long doing a price check on some little bastard's Buzz Lightyear or Princess Unicorn doll. Just stop it. I can't stand it any more. And you wonder why people get trampled at Wal-Mart.
I am not a Scrooge, I just hate Christmas music.
Cole

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
I swear to God, if you decide to be assholes and not let me graduate for some reason. I'll probably jump off the top of the Ypsilanti brick dick.
Cole

Playoffs? Don't talk about Playoffs!

Ok I would like to start this post off with a disclaimer...I don't truly believe that division 1 college football needs a playoff or should have one. HOWEVER the BCS is absolute bullshit and there has to be a different way to do this.

Personally, I think that a four team playoff is the best and most cost effective way to do it. And when you really think about it, is the #5 team ever really a national championship contender? How can the #5 team really have an argument to be in the national championship game? In reality, we should just take the top 4 teams and have a true national championship game featuring the winners of the 1 vs 4 and 2 vs 3 bowl games.

BUT

For the sake of argument and creativity...here is an 8 team playoff format that may work...

Why just 8? because 16 is entirely too many and anyone who thinks that #12 Cincinnati could hang with and possibly beat #5 USC is gravely mistaken. 8 teams in would mean that the playoff would only take 3 weeks to complete. As for choosing the teams...and here's where things get a little bit radical...I would keep the conference championships BUT on the national stage, they would mean nothing. I would divide the country into 4 regions and have 4 at large teams. This season it would go like this: You would have Penn State from the Midwest region, Florida from the south, USC from the West, and Oklahoma from the Plains States. As for the 4 at large teams you would have to include Alabama, Texas, Utah, and Boise State but only because they were undefeated and if you run the table, you probably deserve a shot.

As for seeding, you would go by the AP Polls and get rid of any non-human method of choosing anything. So if my plan were in effect it would be a first round of...
#1 Florida vs. #8 Boise State
#2 Oklahoma vs. #7 Penn State
#3 Texas vs. #6 Utah
#4 Alabama vs. #5 USC
On paper, these are all pretty good match ups. And since we're only talking about paper let's do another round...
Florida would beat Boise State without any real trouble as would Oklahoma against Penn State. As for the rest of them, I think Texas would find that Utah and their ridiculously fast offense and surprisingly stingy defense, would give the Longhorns some trouble but Texas would still advance. Alabama, fresh off their loss to Florida in the SEC championship game would lose to USC so the semi final round would be Florida vs. USC and Oklahoma vs. Texas (again I know). Then of course Florida and Oklahoma would both win again and we'd have the exact same result we have now. BUT at least we would give everyone else who has a chance...a chance.

(notice the italics? Yeah, SarahVan just showed up...)

Wait...stop it...just stop you don't know what you're talking about.
While that is an interesting idea for a playoff. But come on, what self respecting playoff only includes eight teams? Sure, baseball does, but that is about it. NBA...16. NHL....16. NFL....12. NCAA Basketball....65. So why limit college football to just eight? It is just not fair...especially when you think about the quality of the teams across the country. Why not give a Boise State a chance to beat an Oklahoma EVERY YEAR, not just when everything works out perfectly.

Which is why I suggest the idea of a 16-team playoff. It is a great number (perfect square) and allows for the perfect amount of teams. Every one of the Football Bowl Subdivision conferences (formerly Division 1-A) gets one automatic bid. Whoever is considered the conference champion, whether there is a championship game or not, gets its conference's automatic bid. So this year, that would be:

ACC: Virginia Tech
SEC: Florida
Big 10: Penn State
Pac-10: USC
MAC: Buffalo (for real!?)
Big 12: Oklahoma
WAC: Boise State
Big East: Cincy
Mountain West: Utah
Sun Belt: Troy

Now for the at-large selections...we will take into consideration BCS standings for this exercise
Alabama
Texas
Ohio State
Texas Tech
Oklahoma State
TCU

So now that we have the teams set, now for some rules. The teams will be seeded, based on whatever. It doesn't matter that Troy won the Sun Belt...still going to be the 16 seed. Higher seed gets to host the game. Final four games will take place at one of the sites of the BCS bowls. It will rotate every year, so that each location still feels the love. The tournament will start the week after conference championships. This will then make December that much better...and we can still have our beloved New Years day games.

For the rest of the schools...let's keep the other bowls. We can get rid of the really stupid and terrible ones, like the Papajohn's bowl and the emerald bowl and the cereal bowl. ok i made that last one up. But get rid of a few insignifcant ones and call it a day.

This gives smaller schools a chance every year to pull off an upset. Granted, we will never see another awesome Boise State-Oklahoma game like we did a few years ago...but at least this gives us a chance for that to happen. Who knows...maybe Buffalo could pull off an amazing upset...who knows unless we give them a chance?!

I think a playoff is where we need to head. Granted the BCS stuff always "works itself out" but we just spent the last few weeks saying it wouldn't. and that happens EVERY year. so why not just do what i say? Because I am always right.

Not always Van, not always. 16 teams is entirely too many. Probably. Either way...In other news I have received information from my sources about the Eastern Michigan coaching vacancy. Chuck Martin, Scott Loeffler, and Fred Jackson are all interviewing with the EMU administration this week. I expect there to be another round of interviews next week as well unless one of these three guys just blows the AD and interview board away. We shall see. Oh and due to the fact that I'm an idiot (and a fiercely loyal reader pointed it out to me) I misspoke about Ball State going to the Motor City Bowl. They are actually going to the GMAC bowl in Alabama, so they won't really need a coat, but maybe just a jacket. Central is instead going to the Motor City Bowl for like the 8th year in a row. Awesome.

I would talk about the Tigers and their signings of SS Adam Everett and Catcher Gerald Laird, but if you remember, I grounded myself from writing about the Tigers in detail until after the first of the year. Sorry, it is what it is.

If I Could Write A Letter To...

Dear Plaxico Burress, or should I call you Cheddar Bob from 8 Mile?
So let me get this straight, you went to the club with your buddy Antonio Pierce on a Thursday night in Manhattan, you felt as if for some reason you needed to bring a gun with you, just in case, you then shot yourself in the leg with said gun after trying to get it out of your sweatpants pocket.
OK, there are a couple things wrong with this, going to the club is not wrong. I'm perfectly fine with that, what did you have to lose anyway? You were on the injured list at the time for a hamstring injury so why not go out and drink that thing better? I'm fine with that. You brought a gun, to which you used to be licensed to carry to the club with you. That's kind of borderline really. You shouldn't need that sort of protection as a professional athlete with enough money to pay for someone else to carry a gun for you but you decided instead to bring the gun with you into the club just in case. That's what guns are for, protection and hunting. Still, you should have known your license had expired but that will happen. Now, other than the new hole in your leg and ruined season and reputation, let's talk about what really bothers me about this whole incident. Dude, you make millions and millions of dollars a year and you're wearing sweats to the bar? Don't get me wrong, I love a good pair of sweats, but c'mon man, even my lazy ass doesn't wear sweats to the bar! Have a little respect for yourself. Have you ever tried to reach into your sweat pants pocket to fish your cell phone out of there? It's a real pain in the ass sometimes. Now when you reach in there to pull a freakin gun out, you had to have known that it was gonna get caught up on somethin and you might fire it on accident. Common sense Plax, common sense. And for Christ's sake, put a pair of jeans on next time.
Idiot.
Cole

Dear Notre Dame Football,
Do you really think you deserve to fly out to Hawaii to lose to the home team in the Hawaii bowl? You beat one team this season that finished with a winning record (Navy, and they almost lost that one) and have turned one of the most storied and successful college football programs in the country into the college football world's punchline. You know what, I can't wait to watch Hawaii absolutely destroy you. I wish you nothing but extremely painful sunburns. Turning down a bowl bid with class is probably better than getting your ass whupped by a WAC team. Oh and as a parting cheap shot, Charlie Weis should probably eat less.
You Suck!
Cole

Dear Ball State,
First for the football team, you probably should have taken that Humanitarian Bowl bid eh? Instead you get to travel back to exotic and exciting...Detroit...awesome. However, there is good news! Remember when you had a student become an internet sensation for extreme ineptitude? You don't? How soon we forget, watch this video and then I'll come back to you.



Years later, you've finally made it to the top rung of the pop culture ladder. You've been turned into a sexual catchphrase used on Family Guy.



Congrats on a great season and enjoy your trip to Detroit. You might want to get a coat.
Sincerely,
Cole

Dear Michigan Basketball,
WELCOME BACK TO RELEVANCE!!! Two wins over top 5 teams (UCLA and Puke, I mean Duke) in a little over a week means that you could play mediocre basketball from here on out and still be a shoe-in for a long awaited return trip to the Big Dance. It's great to see Crisler Arena rocking again! Take it easy on Eastern this weekend. And for the record, I was never off the band wagon. I was just a silent passenger.
I should probably go to that game eh?
Cole

Dear American Government,
Since you just like bailing people out all the time lately, how about you float me a nice "pay me back if you want to but it's really no big deal if you don't want to" loan so I can buy one of those new hybrid Dodge Rams that the dude from Chrysler was telling you about when he was on Capitol Hill. I have to tell you, you probably should have bailed out the Big 3 waaaaay before you bailed out the banks. And there's an issue here that I don't really like. You're making the automakers who employ millions of your own citizens, jump through hoops and make promises about repayment and changing the way they do things just to get a little bit of help so they CAN change the way they do things. When the banks needed money, you just kind of wrote them a blank check even though they promised no repayment and no actual change. When are you going to realize that most of America resides firmly in the lower middle class, blue collar worker category? President Elect Obama? You got anything to add to this? Hello? Anyone?
Stop worry about the assholes at the bank and worry more about the Joe Six Packs out there that are just trying to make ends meet.
Seriously,
Cole

Dear NCAA,
Do you think it's time for a playoff system yet? You don't? What if I wrote up a FOOLPROOF playoff plan for you, would you consider it then? You still wouldn't? What if I had it for you tomorrow? You might glance at it? Ok, that's all I needed to know.
Signed,
Cole

(NCAA Playoff Plan tomorrow)

Meanwhile Back at the Hall of Justice...

Ball State rejects a bid to face Boise State in the Humanitarian Bowl.

Personally, I would love to see how Ball State would do against a big time program like Boise, HOWEVER, I 100% agree with why Ball State turned the bid down.

The Humanitarian bowl is played in Boise, Idaho. Boise State University is located in BOISE FREAKIN IDAHO. It's a home game for the Broncos on the Smurf Turf and therefore, completely unfair. I'm not saying that I disagree with the Broncos playing a home bowl game, I am just saying that I disagree with the Broncos playing a home bowl game against Ball State.

All of you Ball State and MAC football fans out there, raise your hands if you would make the trip to Idaho to watch this game....ok player and coach family members put your hands down...ok there's 3 hands and one of them is David Letterman. I am all for Ball State going to a bowl game that their suddenly loyal fan base would travel to, instead of driving in the back of a pickup truck (you know how those Indiana people roll) all the way to Idaho.

The only problem I have with it is this. A Boise State/Ball State matchup would be a matchup of two undefeated teams. Now that Ball State has put the kibosh on this game, any other bowl game they would go to and perhaps win, could almost be considered an asterisk on an otherwise perfect season. Now, if they were to for some reason lose to Buffalo tomorrow in the MAC Championship Game...then this point is moot as moot can be.

That's all for tonight, time to go to the bar with Otter.

Oh, and check out the new items in the Tobacco Juice Store!

But Aren't Sloppy Firsts Worse Than Sloppy Seconds?

Wouldn't you rather have sloppy seconds than sloppy firsts? Seriously, think about it. If you're getting sloppy firsts...yeesh. I would much rather have sloppy seconds. What the hell am I talking about? Watch the video and then I'll explain...



Now, for those of you who aren't hockey buffs, the guy talking is Sean Avery. NHL antagonist extraordinaire. I personally like Avery because he is, first of all a former Red Wing (2001-2003), and he's an old school tough guy the new school twist of having the ability to score and set up goals. He reminds me of my second all time favorite Red Wing Dino Ciccarelli (the first favorite is of course Steve Yzerman with Darren McCarty following in a close third) in the way that he's a smaller guy who just skates around and bugs the shit out of people and when given the opportunity, will put the puck in the net. Avery is a grinder type guy on the ice. Off the ice...well he's kind of a douchebag. Last summer he interned at Vogue magazine. That alone is reason enough to call the guy a douchebag off the ice. Like I've said though, on the ice, I like/love the way he plays. Even last year in the playoffs when they had to make up a new rule (the Avery rule) in between periods so he would stop annoying the shit out of Devil's netminder Martin Brodeur. A lot of people said his antics were unacceptable and unsportsmanlike but, until the end of the first period, he was playing within the letter of the law (for those of you who don't know, Avery was standing in front of Brodeur waving his stick around in his face and yelling at him in order to distract him enough to allow a goal to go through, that would annoy the piss out of anyone let alone an NHL goalie so the refs changed the rule book and told him to stop or it would be a penalty).

Now, why is sloppy seconds story relevant to this blog and its readers? The sloppy seconds he was talking about just happens to be the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports, Elisha Cuthbert who is currently dating Calgary Defenseman (and NHL 09 coverboy) Dion Phaneuf. Insert gratuitous Elisha Cuthbert photo here...


Avery and his Dallas Stars were in Calgary to play the Flames last night when he spouted off to reporters after the team's morning skate. After the league saw the video, they suspended him indefinitely and he didn't even get the chance to play and potentially square off with Phaneuf. Avery is obviously upset with how he and Elisha parted ways, otherwise he might not have said anything.

OR

He was trying to pick a fight and up the NHL ratings for the game later that night. This is where I feel that Worst Commissioner in the World Gary Bettman, is in the wrong for suspending Avery. Bettman and his corporational cronies are so concerned about the league's image and all that other bullshit that he's taken some of the fun away from the NHL. Everyone loves a good hockey fight and better yet, everyone loves watching a game that you know is going to be full of dudes flying around on skates trying to knock the living piss out of each other just out of the pure hatred for the other guy (see Red Wings vs. Avalanche). Rivalries, be it personal or team, are what make the NHL such a great sport. So instead of allowing the fuse of the dynamite to burn, Bettman basically pissed all over it so his corporate sponsors wouldn't get nervous about giving money to the NHL. I do realize that what Avery said is mildly degrading to women, probably more than mildly, but I wouldn't know I'm not a chick. But suspending him indefinitely like he's freakin Pac-Man Jones is a bit too harsh for my liking. I do know this, if Avery is reinstated by the next time these two teams play (if he is in fact still playing for the Stars, who were not very happy with what he said either) you can expect to see some SlapShot style old time hockey. Just when you think the NHL is starting to take the market back from the NBA...Gary F-ing Bettman happens.

Speaking of rivalries, according to the Morning Sun, the newspaper for all of the little shitbird towns north of Lansing, the Mid American Conference is looking into the antics of both teams and coaching staffs from last Friday's Eastern Michigan/Central Michigan game. I understand that such actions are typically inexcuseable but the MAC must understand one thing before they investigate too deeply and before they hand out any punishments, the main catalyst of the whole thing, is no longer employed by his university. If they take that into consideration and just file the incidents under "Shit Happens," instead of blowing it out of proportion (like they are starting to do) we would all be a lot better off. The instigator is no longer around...no further punishments needed. Just let it die and tell the officials for next season's game to be ready and not lose control of the game. Morning Sun article here.

As for EMU Head Coach rumors...I have no new news. It still stands at Jackson, Campbell, Loeffler, and Brown.

Now, THAT Was Fun!

EASTERN BEATS CENTRAL 56 TO Fifty...ummm...backwards six? (good lord)
The forums are ablaze with negative talk about Friday's Eastern Michigan win over hated Central Michigan. As I've mentioned before, I read the forums every day but only have enough creative energy to write on this blog every once in a while so I don't comment but still read them because I find them entertaining to see everyone talk about things they have no idea about. Seriously, it really cracks me up.

As for the game...holy shit.
It was a powder keg from the start. All the pre-game antics served as the match that lit the fuse and exploded into a contest that featured 108 points and 1171 total offensive yards. The EMU players were fueled with the roller coaster of emotions that comes with a coach getting fired. Luckily for "Eagle Nation" the roller coaster was climbing up a hill Friday morning.

It started off innocently enough, it was late in the warmup with both teams going through their last preparations for the game. This is typically a time where teams are usually in close quarters with each other anyway but most of the time an official or two is there to babysit. This was for some reason not the case on Friday. So you put two teams who naturally don't like each other standing on either side of the fifty yard line about 2-4 yards apart with no referee supervision and see what happens. It's like poking a beehive with a stick... somebody's gonna get stung.

No punches were thrown but there was a lot of shit being talked. I for one am completely fine with this type of behavior before a big game. Did any of you see the Michigan/Ohio State game? I LOVE that kind of stuff as long as it doesn't doesn't escalate into the brawl that happened with Clemson and South Carolina a few years back which I'm sure sent Lou Holtz into a lispy locker room tirade. As long as it's just two fired up teams being and acting like fired up teams, I'm completely fine with it and if I were coaching, I would encourage it (to a point of course, c'mon I'm not retarted).

The game just escalated from there. Eastern jumped out to a 14-0 lead with Genyk jumping around on the sidelines yelling across the field at Butch Jones, pointing up to the pressbox where the administration was sitting after each score, it was the guy's last game and he was going to go out with no bullets left in the gun. The game see-sawed back and forth with Central scoring just before the end of the half to make the score 42-35. There was about 4 seconds on the clock so CMU still had to kick off one last time to end the half. 4 seconds is a long time for a lot to happen and a lot happened. Central's kicker got jacked by an EMU player and the next thing you know there was some pushing and shoving and other random nonsense that resulted in two personal foul penalties against Eastern. This confused me because I saw one Eastern player at the bottom of a Central Michigan tap dance contest at one point during the fracas. Eastern would kick off from their own 7 and a half yard line to start off the second half because of the lack of throwing a flag on CMU...the MAC's favorite team in the world.

The second half of the game was slightly less insane. It came down to back to back fourth down stops for Eastern to win the game. Eastern wins 56-52 and Jeff Genyk rides off into the sunset with a 4-1 record against Central Michigan. Four wins against the best team in the MAC in five seasons is pretty damn impressive. As for the rest of the games....anyways, the EMU players gave Genyk a deserved Gatorade bath and ran onto the field to celebrate with the Michigan MAC Trophy (which, in typical EMU fashion, broke mid celebration...awesome). Of course, during the celebration there was one more brief scuffle with a few players from each side but cooler heads prevailed and CMU hopped on the bus to wonder if they will still get a bowl bid after losing to lowly Eastern Michigan.

To wrap this game up, Andy Schmitt completed a D1 (I refuse to call it the FBS) record 58 passes, an EMU record 516 yards, had 6 total TDs and was named today as the NCAA Player of the week. Tyler Jones celebrated his last game with 23 catches which tied the D1 record and broke the EMU record. In the last two games, Schmitt threw over 150 times and threw exactly 1 interception (a fluky tipped pass against CMU), also he threw for over 1000 yards in two games, and was only sacked twice in the process which is a huge testament to the offensive line. Jones totaled 40 catches in two games which is freakin amazing. As for all of the extra curriculars...c'mon folks, it takes two to tango and both teams were in the wrong. Am I ashamed of anyone from either team for what they did or said? Hell no I'm not. That is what college football is all about and it all resulted in a great football game between two now bitter rivals. Next year's game is going to be pretty violent, let's just leave it at that.

As for the coaching hunt, it is expected that there will be a few interviews this week for the job, Corwin Brown is added to the list of candidates. Right now my top four (of people given to me by sources) is Fred Jackson, Scott Loeffler, Erik Campbell, and Corwin Brown. See any kind of a resemblance? Yeah, all Michigan guys. I'll keep you posted when I hear more about the hunt.

Oh and since the EMU Athletics website won't allow me to copy their pictures, here's a picture of the official hot chick of Tobacco Juice Sports, Elisha Cuthbert.

News From The Underground

The rumor mill is churning up some good stuff and here's what I've heard so far in regards to the Eastern Michigan opening...


My first choice, Ron English, is out. He is rumored to be pursuing the San Diego State job and with the weather here (and lack of indoor practice facility in Ypsilanti) I don't blame him. That and he's from Cali anyway so that's the end of the Ron English idea.



From what I've heard there is mutual disinterest between the university and Wayne State Coach Paul Winters.

My very close to the program source has told me that it is most likely going to be Michigan Running Backs coach Fred Jackson. Fred Jackson is known for being a tremendous recruiter and great position coach. He was promoted to offensive coordinator in 95 and held that post for two seasons so he at least knows how to call a game (JG was never a coordinator at any level and could most of the time be seen on the sidelines without as much as a piece of paper, let alone a call sheet). He's been at Michigan since the Gary Moeller years, and was also a graduate assistant there, getting his masters from The U in 1975. The Fred Jackson bio can be found here.


On the whole, I think Fred Jackson would be a good hire for Eastern Michigan. As I've said, he's a great recruiter and has coached some of the best backs in Michigan history (Perry, Thomas, Biakabutuka, Hart, the list goes on). Having coached at one of the greatest football programs for so long gives him the type of coaching pedigree that we need to see here at Eastern.


Now...IF I'm wrong...there are more candidates to still talk about...


Scott Loeffler, Michigan guy, currently coaching the quarterbacks for the Detroit Lions so he'll probably need a job pretty soon.


Stan Parrish is still on the board but falling slightly with the Fred Jackson talk.


Chuck Martin is still on the board as well but he's taken the seat as the "probably not" guy.


If it is in fact going to be Jackson, you can expect an official announcement from EMU as early as Monday.


That's all for me today as Masten and the boys are all back in town and since tonight is the biggest bar night of the year (next to my personal favorite, St. Patrick's Day) we will be hammering down some brews, shots, and gin and tonics starting in about 5 minutes or so. Be safe out there and enjoy your Thanksgiving. We really do have a lot to be thankful for...like the Lions not being blacked out.

Turn the Page...

As I mentioned briefly this morning, Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Jeff Genyk was fired this morning. I promised you more info, insight, and closure, so here you go...

Eastern Michigan has long been considered an underachieving athletic program, especially on the football field. Always a team with some good players but never able to really put it all together. Things were supposed to change when Genyk got the job in 2004. The record on the field didn't change. The stands didn't fill up. The glory of the 1987 Championship team (yes, it's been 21 seasons since a MAC Football title) didn't return. Things on the field just kind of stayed the same. However, there was one main accomplishment you can attribute to the Genyk reign in Ypsilanti. The culture of EMU Football changed. Genyk took over a program that was a joke off the field and turned it into something respectable. I could go into APR points and all that nonsense but instead I will put it into better, more understandable terms. Genyk took over a drug team with a football problem and turned it into something the university could be proud of off the field. Instead of recruiting thugs from junior colleges, Genyk and his staff recruited good kids who could play football and wouldn't embarrass the program off the field. They've done such a good job of this that I can go through the entire roster and not find a true bad kid in the bunch and you have to credit the man for that. Not only did he recruit good kids but he recruited great support. He organized the Eastern Gridiron Group (an idea stolen from his days at Northwestern, a great idea) that features well to do alumni and their friends who did a great job of raising money for the program, something that just didn't happen before at Eastern. To say that Jeff Genyk left the program better than it was when he got here would be a gigantic understatement. It's because of that, that you can call his reign at Eastern a success.

There's your obituary. Now to turn the page...

Where do we go from here? Well, now we have to bring in another stand up guy who can translate a group of "good kids" into a successful football team. Former Michigan coach Lloyd Carr has been called on to be an unpaid adviser to Eastern for the hiring process so I would have to say that the next head coach at Eastern will have some Washtenaw county ties. By that I mean it's gonna be someone who coached at or against Michigan and knows Coach Carr.

One name that comes to mind is Louisville Defensive Coordinator Ron English. If I am making the hire, I go after English with everything I have. The only problem is, who would leave a big time program like Louisville who plays in front of 50,000 fans a game in the Big East on ESPN every other week, for a program like Eastern that routinely plays in front of about 5,000 on a GREAT day (we play Central on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and I'm expecting MAYBE 500 people to be there) and sometimes accidentally finds themselves on TV. I'm hoping that Ron English would like to be a head coach and would take a pay cut (probably, I can't back that up) and take on the task of turning this program into something that people would actually like to come and watch. English is for sure my first choice but I'm not on the hiring committee.

Another name of course would be Grand Valley State Head Coach Chuck Martin. Martin reportedly really wanted the Northern Illinois job last year after Joe Novak retired from his post but obviously didn't get it. This of course means that Martin wants to move up and move on from his horribly successful GVSU team, which will probably win ANOTHER National Championship in a couple of weeks. Martin inherited a great team after Brian Kelly left for Central and was getting a serious look from the CMU administration when Kelly bolted for Cincy a couple of years ago. Martin would be a good choice because he has been a defensive coordinator and is now in charge of the high octane offensive attack at GVSU, so he's called the plays on both sides of the ball with great success. I don't know about his ability to turn a struggling program around, because he hasn't really had to. However, his championship pedigree alone would be enough for me.

With English being the longshot but best choice, I would also consider taking a long look at Ball State offensive coordinator Stan Parrish who himself has been a successful head coach in the past after reviving the Marshall program a few years after the tragedy. And if you look at Ball State and what they've done on offense for the past couple years, you would see that he knows what he's doing and knows how to turn a program around. Ball State was a laughing stock not four years ago, now they're the toast of the MAC and undefeated this season. Parrish would be a good choice.

There are people on the internets (namely the mlive.com forum, which I read but never post on) who have been clamoring for the hiring of Wayne State Head Coach Paul Winters. Although I really appreciate what he's done at Wayne State, I can't help but think he would be the wrong hire for this situation. He's won the GLIAC coach of the year 2 out of the past 3 seasons and was a running backs coach and offensive coordinator at Akron from 1994-2003. He's taken a dead program at Wayne State and turned them into a very competitive team in arguably the best D II conference in America so he knows how to rebuild. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't see him as being the answer at EMU.

Fred Jackson, the running backs coach at Michigan has been with Carr for years and since Coach Carr is an advisor to this process, you would have to think that Coach Jackson would at least get a look. Jackson is known for being an outstanding recruiter but I can't tell you if being a great recruiter translates into being a great head coach.

Tyrone Willingham...yeah right, not gonna happen.

One last sleeper pick I have to bring up would have to be Jay Paterno. Yes, THAT Paterno. Jay has to know that when the legend that is his father Joe Paterno retires, he's not going to get the Penn State job. He's been mentioned on a few rumor sites as being interested in the Toledo job so why not just kind of re-route him 50 miles or so north to Ypsilanti? Why would he fit here? I don't know, in fact he might not fit at all but with a name like Paterno...he's gotta know something about the game? I mean, even the Bowden boys took over struggling programs and turned them around, maybe Paterno could do the same thing. I highly doubt he even looks once at EMU but still, you never know.

I've heard from sources near the program that this is going to be a quick search and that the EMU athletic department, teamed with Coach Carr, has a short list of candidates already. I of course will keep everyone updated as much as I can.

It's a sad day, but it's also a good day. The Genyk chapter is over, it's time to turn the page to the next one.

By the way...Central Michigan comes to Ypsilanti on Friday at noon. Tickets are free. In fact, I don't even think there's gonna be people at the gates. Bring your booze and wear warm clothes.

Genyk Out at Eastern

Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Jeff Genyk was fired this morning. More details and obituary later.

Ann Arbor News story here.

If I Could Write a Letter To...Tag Team Edition!

Our other contributor here at Tobacco Juice Sports, Sarahvan, decided to help out today with the letters. She's the one in italics...because italics looks girly and well...she's a girl.



Dear Michigan Football,
Welcome to the world of mediocrity! 6-6 doesn’t sound too bad about now does it? Look on the bright side, now you can just focus on recruiting instead of preparing for that pesky bowl game.
Love,
Indiana, Illinois, Arizona, Iowa, Kentucky, Ole Miss, Syracuse, etc…. and the MAC

Dear Tom Amstutz,
Congrats big boy. Way to figure out a way to get your money with even less responsibility. Honestly, how much did you really do? You wouldn’t even walk to the press conference after a football game. Made the reporters come to you in front of the locker room. Because walking 60 yards in the other direction would just be too much to ask from you. Yeah, you beat Michigan…but so has everyone else. You talked about how you wanted to just stare at the scoreboard after the game. But were you really looking at that or mustering up the energy to make the trek through the tunnel? And come on, you had a guy catch 20 passes in that game…Not something that happens every day. You were lucky at the Big House. So now you are “reassigned” within the Toledo athletic department. Yeah, the alumni office. So you will just be asking people to donate money…while reminding them that YOU beat Michigan in the Big House. But I guess I shouldn’t be mad about all this…I should really be commending you on beating the system here. No messy divorce…both sides wanted out. Now, if you could do me a favor and give someone else a call about leaving gracefully. Here is the number 734-…..
Yours Truly, Sarah

Dear Undecided Voters,
Hi there. Sorry to pull you away from all that meth you’re cooking or World of Warcraft you’re playing but I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow is the day we as Americans vote for president, senators, local stuff, you know, we make democracy work tomorrow. For some reason, you’ve been in a shell for the last ohhh…9 months to a year and have no idea what is going on with any of the candidates. To boil it down into simple terms for you, we’ve got the white dude, and the black dude running against each other for President. The white dude is pretty cool but he’s really old and probably not make it through a 4 year term (yes the president is president for 4 years and if he’s good he gets another 4) but that wouldn’t be too bad considering that his running mate is pretty hot. Yeah, she’s a girl. You know what a girl is right Warcraft guy? The black dude is pretty cool too but he had this thing where his pastor was a total wackjob and that scared some people off, but he was born in Hawaii so that’s better than nothing right? Either way, since you’re an undecided voter and you haven’t read or heard anything about anyone in any election, do us all a favor…just stay home. Cook your meth, play your gay little game, and act like it’s just any other day. Just try not to blow yourself up or anything in the process. Idiots.
How hard is it to read a fuckin newspaper?
Cole

Dear Bud Selig So let’s see, you get two teams in the World Series that you don’t want. Your solution is to postpone the clinching game for two days. Good one. At least you got everyone talking…even though all that talk was about your incompetency. But it was fun getting to relive the All-Star game that ended in a tie. Ah, the good old days.

Dear Allen Iverson and Joe Dumars,
Let me start this letter off by asking you both a question. You do know that both of your careers are on the line now right? Joe, listen man, growing up you were my favorite Piston, well, besides Laimbeer but you were right up there. You just traded the best thing that happened to the Pistons since you found a guy named Ben Wallace from Virginia Commonwealth. Chauncey Billups was the heart and soul of every Piston team he played on and you just sent him back to Denver for a guy who’s never won a championship and historically is not exactly considered a “Team Player.” Maybe he’s changed, I don’t know. Why not trade Rip instead? You are really taking a risk here Joe. As for you AI…welcome to Detroit! Don’t fuck it up. Honestly dude, I think you are a great player that in your younger years, was a dumbass. You can admit that can’t you? You’re what like 30 something now? In fact, I’ll tell you what, if you can drop 25 points with some dimes to Rip here and there every night and at least attempt to play hard assed defense, while not reverting to Philly AI, you’ll be my favorite Piston and you might just help win the whole damn thing this year. I mean, not that I’ll watch any of it until the playoffs anyway, but it’s still nice to read the paper and see that the Stones are still playing well. Just remember Joe and AI…if this experiment fails…well just don’t let it fail.
Sincerely,
Cole

Memo to all THOSE girls
I know that you are all sitting around right now, just bummed about the fact that Halloween is gone. Gotta wait another year now to be excused for wearing nothing out to a party and being celebrated for it. You had the costume idea like two months ago and spent way too much money on that little piece of lingerie and bunny ears…but who cares. You got drunk (while someone else paid) and had people grab your ass all night…and you felt good about yourself for that. Congrats. And then you just HAD to put those pictures up on facebook. As soon as you got home…you were still a little drunk posting them. And then, once you sobered up (of course) you went through ALL the pics to find the best one of yourself. You know, that one where your rolls aren’t so prominent. And your eyes aren’t halfway closed because you are just so hammered from all the red bull and vodka you have been slamming all night…that picture! Now crop it and put it up on facebook for the whole world to see how good you looked the other night…and just wait for all those great wall postings complimenting your outfit. Now you have to wait another year for this enjoyment again, while the rest of it will be forced to relive your Halloween until you do something along the same lines for New Years.
No Really You Look Great,
Sarah

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Seriously? What do you really have to prove by signing with the Lions? They’re what 0-9 now? You are not at all the missing link between them and a playoff berth. You MIGHT help them win A game. You have no idea the quagmire you’re setting foot in. I guarantee you that before it’s over, you’re gonna wish you stayed retired. They aren’t called the laughingstock of the league for nothing. Even you, Dante, are not good enough to save this franchise. Why you and not Drew Stanton? Is Millen secretly still calling the shots because this is something he would do.
Damnit!
Cole

Dear overzealous college sports fans,
As you sit there hitting refresh on your forum page to see if someone makes a comment to your comment, ask yourself something…What are you doing? I mean, honestly. You are basing your life, mood, habits, rituals, etc on 18-22 year old kids. These kids don’t care about you…they care about finding new ways to get more financial aid, more gear or more food. They don’t care that you just spent half your paycheck scalping tickets and paying for that parking pass for the game. They only care that they get their per diem money at the end of the game. Sure, there are a few who care about the game and how they perform, but these student athletes are only thinking about themselves. So I am here to help you realize that you need to move on…become a healthy fan. Only post on the forums 10 times a day. Stop emailing Jim Rome 47 times a day when 30 will suffice. Scale back to three blogs about your team. Maybe show up for work on time…baby steps.
Time to grow up boys,
Sarah

Dear Slutty Looking Halloween Girl,
Don’t listen to her, she has no idea what she’s talking about. I think you look great as a…you know what, it doesn’t matter what your costume is, lemme buy you a drink. So you wanna like, make out or something later?
See you on New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, or at random football games around the nation!
Love,
Us Guys

The World's Greatest Chants

After a 16 ounce Red Bull and a 24 oz Speedway Coffee, a guy can get some pretty crazy ideas.

This is one of those ideas.

One of my favorite things in all of sport is the Chant. After much discussion this morning with Patterson and McLovin (AKA Jake the DFO) I've decided that the love of the chant must be split into categories and shared with the world.

We'll start with one of my favorites, the "X Team Sucks" Chant. This chant can be used at any sporting event provided your team is not team X and that your team is in the process of beating Team X's ass. One exception is a "Team Z" chant in which Team X and Team Y both equally hate Team Z.







Next we will examine the great College Hockey Chants. College Hockey Chants are usually yelled out in small arenas that tend to be really loud. College hockey fans are typically drunken students who like to combine the violence of hockey with the fun of yelling random shit with a bunch of other drunks. I like to believe that college hockey fans are America's version of the soccer hooligan.







It is well documented that I hate soccer. But soccer chants are just like college hockey chants except there's no real words. Just really loud drunken humming.




The "School Spirit" Chant. It's pretty self explanatory.








The "Totally Unecessary, but Completely Relevant Cursing" Chant. Hated by the administration, loved, adored, and cherished by the student population. Very controversial but deep down, enjoyed by everyone except the fanatical Christian front.








And finally, my personal favorite the, "Hey! You Suck!" Chant. This is the kind of chant that you can hum to yourself while walking around the office or through the hallways of your school. It always brings a smile to my face. Can even be done A Capella.







There. That ought to help you kill some time.

If I Could Write A Letter To...

Dear Major League Baseball,
Wooooooow. You cancelled a World Series game in the bottom of the 6th inning. Normally, I'm fine with it but c'mon...IT'S THE WORLD SERIES! It might be worth waiting out the rain and finishing the game around 2am. I'm sure the Phans in Philly wouldn't mind a whole hell of a lot. They were going to be partying until at least 4am anyway. I'm just happy your shit for brains commissioner didn't call it a tie. Oh and a quick side note...is anyone outside of Philly and Tampa actually watching this? The only reason anyone else is watching is because nothing else is on. Poor effort MLB. Poor Effort.
Cole
Dear NHL,
It's time to ready the attack against the NBA.
Signed,
Cole


Dear Tyrone Willingham,
I just wanted to say that I have been a big fan of yours since you won the PAC-10 with Stanford (yeah, Stanford) before you took over Notre Dame. I personally believe you got hosed in South Bend and was run off by the administration. When you got the job at Washington, I thought the Huskies were instantly three to four years away from being a program that matters again. Well...I was wrong. BUT I want to congratulate you on not having an ego bigger than the game. I believe that stepping down was the classy and responsible thing to do and wish you nothing but the best in the future. Coaches always talk about accountability and responsibility, you held yourself personally responsible and accountable for the failures of your program and for that I have nothing but respect. If only other perennially failing head coaches would follow your lead...
Cole


Dear Pandora.Com,
You are far and away the greatest Internet invention this side of facebook.
Love,
Cole

Dear NBA,
Tonight is opening night. I will not be watching. Tell dipshit David Stern that his product is on the verge of a ratings collapse due to poor entertainment value and lack of team play. Why do you think college hoops is more adored than you? Get over yourself NBA.
HERE COMES THE NHL!
Cole

Dear Grass Lake Football,
Beat Potterville's ass this week so I can come watch you next week.
Love,
Cole


Dear Mixed Martial Arts,
Ha, ya'll gave it a hell of a run eh? You banked on a guy who lived on the street and a hot chick to carry an entire "league" on NBC (or CBS or whatever it was, who cares), what did you expect? Yeah, I know you're a tough sport and everything but you're starting to take yourself a little too seriously. You need to go back to your roots and just put two crazy assholes in a cage and watch them beat the living dogshit out of each other, then mop the mat up and have two more crazy assholes beat the dogshit out of each other. Rinse, Wash, Repeat. The basic building blocks of success. Nobody cares about the lifestories of the crazy assholes, we just want to see crazy assholes be crazy assholes.
Crazy Assholes,
Cole

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Dude, signing a free agent contract with the Detroit Lions would be career suicide.
Yes, I know you're already retired.
Cole


Dear Readers,
It's good to be back.
Love,
Cole

I Have a Sports Blog. Wait....What???

First of all, I just wanna say....


Ok ok ok, let me start off apologizing for not at least explaining my abrupt leave of absence from this blog read by a little less than a dozen people worldwide. I'll keep it vague because the details are mildly boring. The reason I haven't written in about 4 months is because I have been working with the football team at Eastern Michigan University as defensive quality control, which is a fancy name for "Otter's Assistant" and/or "the guy who breaks down all the film and tends to fall asleep on the job." Either one will work. So that's the reason I have been gone for so long and for the 7 people that noticed, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Now...what did I miss?

Oh right, the greatest disappointment in the history of baseball. The 2008 Detroit Tigers. I'm not going to hit on this too hard because I watched exactly 2/3 of an inning of baseball from August till the end of the season and talking about it after not seeing it would be a slight ethical dilemma for me. I do know this, all summer long I told everyone I talked to about it that they still have a shot, that this team had all the firepower they needed to still make a run late. Well, that run never came and they folded like a cheap wallet in late August.

So of course, the question must be asked. Who's to blame here? I don't have the answer to that, BUT I can tell you who's NOT to blame.

It's not Leyland's fault. Now, when I say this, you all must understand that I would support Jim Leyland no matter what he does. He could go to Mott's Children Hospital and punch babies on the weekends, or go to the pound and kick small puppies and I would still say, "hey, he's still doing a good job." Much like the way I feel about Joe Paterno. He cannot do anything wrong. These guys are essentially the Pope.

It's not Cabrera's fault. The guy lead the American League in home runs in a ballpark that's only slightly smaller than Metro Airport. You can't blame him at all and for all you assholes that said he was overrated, fat, and lazy can shut your goddamned pieholes. He's not overrated.

It's not Inge's fault. What do you want from this guy? Dombrowski trades for a hot young third baseman and leave's Brandon out to dry and he kept on playing. They moved the youngster to first and Guillen to third, he kept on playing. They traded Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth (still the "Ok, I surrender" move of the season) and he went back to playing catcher. Anyone who can deal with that sort of nonsense deserves exactly zero percent of the blame. Also, isn't it weird that we have one of the best third basemen in the league playing behind the dish instead of at the corner? I'm just saying.

It's not Jonesy's fault. He was borderline lights out earlier in the year when he was actually put into save situations. Now he's out of baseball and we have Captain Gasoline Fernando Fucking Rodney as our closer until Zumaya gets healthy which should be sometime in 2015 or so when he makes his first comeback attempt. For some reason, as much as I hated watching Todd Jones, he sure was fun to watch. I hope he enjoys his retirement and reads this and gets me a job at the Sporting News.

It's not Dombrowski's fault...YET. Dombrowski had the go ahead from the Illitch's to make a big move this past off season and that's what he did bringing in a big time hitter and a pitcher who's control has fallen directly off the face of the Earth. Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin were the future of the franchise here in Detroit and we just kind of mortgaged the future to win now. If for some reason Dontrelle doesn't return to form (or at least get back to being a capable starter here and there) then we can put the blame on Dombrowski. As soon as Maybin and Miller make their first All Star team together, or win their first NLDS with the Marlins next season (yeah, I'm calling it) that's when we look at Dombrowski and say, "What the hell was THAT Dave?"

OK, enough with the Tigers it's pissing me off. In fact, that is the last mention of the Tigers in 2008. The topic of the Tigers is grounded until January 1st, 2009.

Let's talk instead about a topic that will REALLY piss me off. As a life long Michigan fan, I am disappointed with the team's lack of winning this season. Who wouldn't be? They lost to State at home yesterday but oddly enough, I'm ok with it. I believe in RichRod and once he and his guys get used to each other and he gets his players in, everything will be full systems go in Ann Arbor. I'm not at all pissed off about Michigan. Eastern however is another story...

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday after a 22 point drubbing from Ball State (who WILL NOT lose this season, yeah, they're that good) and we got around to talking about the losing culture of Eastern Michigan Football. Eastern has not had a winning season since 1995. That's 13 straight seasons of losing more games than you've won. First of all, how is that even possible? How is it possible for such mediocrity to take over an entire university. When did losing become an OK thing to do? The guys play their asses off every week...

(I had a lot of other stuff typed in this area but decided it was a bad idea to publish it right now so here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert instead.)


(Oh, and here's another picture that Patterson gave me and told me to put on here)



We were at Ball State yesterday. They're #20 in the nation right now and they have a head coach who is also their defensive coordinator. He jumps around during a game, he hugs his guys after big plays, he gets after his players in a constructive way when they make mistakes, hell, Hoke even SIGNALS the plays himself. Bill Cubit, the head coach at Western Michigan, calls the offensive plays from the sideline. Not as excitable as Brady Hoke, but still a fired up guy who loves his players. Butch Jones at Central, extremely excitable guy...calls his own plays. There are two common denominators here, these three head coaches call their own plays yes, but these three head coaches are absolutely adored by their players and they routinely win year after year after year. Coincidence?

Nope.

End Of An Era

Pudge just got traded to the Yankees (yes, the FUCKING YANKEES) for Kyle Farnsworth.

I just read about it five seconds ago and don't have a whole lot of time to write about it right now. More on this and other stuff later.

I'm kind of sad right now not gonna lie.

We traded a first ballot hall of famer...

For a guy who is still in the league because he's been in some pretty sweet fights...


Great.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear America,
How am I the only person outraged by this story about the Greenwich, Connecticut teenagers who built a Wiffle Ball stadium and pissed off a bunch of snobby ass rich people? What kind of country are we living in now days? Some kids build a wall and throw some bases down to play wiffle ball and everyone reacts as if they built a freakin meth lab or something. And what's worse is the fact that lawyers are getting involved now. The kids have lawyered up, the town has lawyered up, the snobby ass rich people have also gotten their lawyer friends invovled, the whole thing is just turning into an absolute shitshow. I realize that the kids probably should have built it say, in their yard or something as opposed to a public place but at the same time, wouldn't the town be kind of happy to see something like that? If the town of Grass Lake built a wiffle ball "stadium" like that, I would personally be thrilled to the point of staging an all night wiffle ball marathon tournament. I know the city of Greenwich is kind of in a tough spot as some dude broke his leg in a public park, sued the city and won millions of dollars in a settlement, but that doesn't mean that they have to wrap the entire town in bubble wrap so nobody will get a boo-boo. They're kids, if they get hurt, it's no big deal. Like my Dad once said, "No balls, no babies." It's time to let your balls drop America and quit being such a pussy about everything.
LET THEM PLAY!
Cole

Dear Billy Packer,
I have to say this, you've never been one of my favorites. You have been announcing the NCAA Tournament for something along the lines of 28 years and CBS has finally cut ties with you. Will I miss your nonsensical ramblings during the games you're involved in? Probably. Will I miss the bitching and moaning you did before, during, and after the tournament? Probably not. The good news for you is that ESPN will probably hire you because well, the World Wide Leader is all about ratings and crazy old men going on rants about this and that usually equal great ratings. Clark Kellog is going to take your spot with Jim Nantz or whoever for the tournament. Talk about a bad trade...
Keep your head up Billy,
Cole

Dear Tigers Fans,
The All Star Break is here. The Tigers are sitting at .500 on the year after being as many as 12 games under that mark earlier in the year. As I have said before, if the Tigers are at .500 at the break, everything could probably be all right. The only problem is that Chicago is still 7 games ahead. That means that over the course of the rest of the season, the Tigers need to win every time the Sox lose. The only way the Tigers make the playoffs this season is if they win the Division. Keep the faith everybody. It'll take quite a run to make it, but it's a run this team is capable of making.
Keep the faith,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
You need to make a run here and it needs to happen sooner than later. Here is how you can do it. First of all, you need to trade Edgar Renteria, a prospect (NOT MATT JOYCE) and whoever else you can find for a different shortstop or another starting pitcher (Erik Bedard from Seattle maybe?). If you can't get a better shortstop, you need to put Carlos back at short where he was decent and put Inge back at third. I know it would be difficult to pull that off, but it would be nice to have that side of the infield back the way it was. I hate to say i told you so about Renteria. It was just a bad idea. Has he done some good things? Yes. Is he capable of producing big numbers the rest of the year? Not in the way you need him to. I never thought I would say this, but Omar Infante would be nice to see at the shortstop position again. Speaking of lack of production, was I the only one who noticed how well the Tigers played with Sheff on the DL and out of the lineup? Doesn't that kind of jump off the page at you? Don't get me wrong, I really like Sheff and want to see him do well, but it's just not happening anymore. It's time to put the dog down. As for everything else, keep the gritty white guy trio of Clete, Joyce, Larish, and Rayburn around as long as possible. Their Blue Collar style of play is a breath of fresh air for this team that seemed removed from how Detroit fans expect their guys to play. Gritty, hardworking, playing to win on every play. I love it, don't change it. Keep playin ball guys, everything will work itself out how it is supposed to.
Love,
Cole


Dear Matt Joyce,
Congratulations on being the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports! Hopefully you won't soon be the official Mud Hen of Tobacco Juice Sports.
Don't Go a Changin,
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
Do you believe in Now? That's the worst slogan I've ever heard for a season ticket blitz before the season. Anything else would have been better. Hell, "Come watch us not suck as much as usual" would be better than what you have now. Use your heads you fuckin morons.
Cole

Dear Brett Favre,
Brett, dude, you're my favorite football player of all time. That being said, I don't think watching you play with any other team would be worth my time of effort. Unless it was with the Lions. Stay retired Brett. Just, just stay retired.
Seriously,
Cole