If I Could Write a Letter to...

Dear Gary Sheffield,
You are one tough son of a bitch. You've proven that year after year after year in the grind that is a major league baseball season and I appreciate that. Now do me a favor, sit down, stop playing for a couple of weeks, and don't come back until you're 100% healthy and ready to get your average at least above .200. Not tryin to be a dick man, I'm just sayin that I've seen Cal Ripken, and you're not him. Right now...you're more of a Rob Deer and that's not how we want to remember you (and not the kick ass Rob Deer from the Brewers I'm talkin the piss poor Rob Deer when he played for the Tigers. Detroit, where sluggers go to die).
Sincerely,
Cole


Dear Detroit Pistons,
Tayshaun Prince is NOT the franchise. Even though it was really sweet when he blocked that layup that one time, he is a solid role player at best. And don't you think it's time to tell John Mason to stop with the "DEEEEEETROIT BASKETBAAAAAALL," thing already? Mason, we get it, we're in Detroit (well...Auburn Hills which is a polar opposite of actual Detroit) and we are watching a basketball game. The first time you did it, it was cool now you're just desperately trying to stay cool, let it go man, let it go. And Sheed...the hell with it, I have nothing positive to say to you other than you're the best in the league...when you want to be. Oh one more thing, THIS IS THE PLAYOFFS! YOU MIGHT WANT TO ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A RAT'S ASS NOW!
Apathetically yours,
Cole

Dear Matt Millen,
I'm not even wasting my time on this one.

Dear Rich Rodriguez,
Do you think you could just kind of cool it on the whole being in the papers thing for a little while? It's like every day you find a way to say something that pisses someone off and ends up in the paper or on the internet. Don't get me wrong, I love saying things that piss people off too, but I know when to stop (well I sometimes know when to stop). Stop with this public battle with West Virginia and settle this thing behind closed doors so you can just do what you do best. Coach football.


Dear Jenn Sterger,
What are you doing these days? Seems like just yesterday you were some random hot chick in a cowboy hat that Brent Musberger saw at a Florida State game and became instantly famous. You were in Playboy too weren't you? Wow, that sure is great. So seriously, what are you doing now? Oh you're suddenly a USF fan now? Way to jump the shark on that one. Wait, aren't you from like New Jersey or something? Why can't you be a Rutgers fan? Why does everyone hate Rutgers like they are the bastard adopted cousin at the family reunion, and you know the one I'm talkin about. Kind of a has a lazy eye and a body odor problem but still tries to fit in with everyone with his awesome stories about Magic the Gathering and Ms. Pac-Man. tournaments. He was adopted by the creepy step uncle, the one that holds your hand a little too long during a handshake or hugs your mom a little too tightly. Yeah, that's what Rutgers is to America...wait who was I writing to? Oh right, I forgot about Jenn Sterger...just like the rest of America did. You're hot Jenn, just try to do something with your life other than just be hot.

So you like wanna make out or somethin?
Love, Cole