If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Detroit Tigers Starting Pitching Staff,
I would have addressed this to, "The Best Young Arms in the league," but that wouldn't mean I was writing a letter to you. That would be a letter to anyone else not you. Ok fellas, in all seriousness, we are now 38 games into the season and your collective record is 9-18 and have an ERA of 5.35 and that's not even counting Dontrelle Willis and his early dismal performance. Now, I don't really care what you have to do to fix this, but please, for the love of all things holy, FIX IT NOW!! Whatever it takes, please, please, please find a way to turn this around! Be it taking home some of the finest bus station skanks Detroit has to offer, or going on the road and finding the finest bus station skanks or strippers that Kansas City or Chicago or Bumfuk Rhode Island has to offer. Whatever you think could help, just do it. Nobody will think any less of you because that's pretty hard to do right now anyway.
Go out and get drunk or something, maybe that will help,
Cole

Dear ESPN,
Just because the NHL isn't on your network anymore, doesn't mean you have to give movie theater handjobs to the NBA at every possible second. I've watched SportsCenter three times so far today and each time it gets worse and worse. And hey, fat blonde chick doing the outside the lines report on OJ Mayo, way to ambush the kid about getting money from some douchebag who wanted to be a part of the game again. He's just a kid and he just announced his eligibility for the NBA Draft and you completely ambushed him. He's 19 years old. Did he take money from an agency while at USC and before? Probably. Was it totally necessary to jump the kid after his announcement and ruin a day he had been dreaming about since he picked up a basketball? Probably not. Use your heads ESPN Producers. That was just wrong on your part and you should probably be ashamed of yourselves. Kids screw up (Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Reggie Bush) and get taken advantage of by older men (Ed Martin, BDA Goon Squad) who are desperately trying to live the dream by earning the trust of these talented young men and then betraying them when they don't get their way. Shit happens, just try not to pin it all on the kids and pin more of it on the adults who corrupt them.
Oh and ESPN, how about some more hockey coverage?
Nobody wants to know about Chris Paul eating dinner at Tony Longoria's house.
Cole

Dear Marvin Harrison,
Welcome to the club!!!
Signed,
Ray Lewis, Chris Henry, Pac Man Jones, and OJ Simpson

Dear Charlie Weis,
The Hell with Michigan? Um, Ok Charlie, we need to talk. Charlie, listen man, you were 3-9 last season with Notre Dame. You coached a Notre Dame team to a three win season in 2007. Granted, that was a straight up awful football team but you you still only won three times. And you lost to Navy for the first time since the days of Roger Staubach. Now might not be the time to go out and pick fights with schools. Now, I understand that Michigan might not be what they have been in the past this year under the new regime, but Charlie do you really want to give them something to rally around? Knowing your luck, everything in fall camp in Ann Arbor is going to suddenly click and they will be going full blast as they roll into South Bend and peckerslap the Irish again this year. And if Michigan doesn't do it, Michigan State will, oh wait, they've done that already haven't they...


Poor Bastard,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
You're still in the playoffs? Oh right, you haven't played Boston yet.
My Bad,
Cole

Dear Philadelphia Flyers,
I have to say it was a pleasure watching your play in the playoffs this season. The gritty nature of your style of play is truly fun to watch. It's just too bad that your defensemen are apparently made of glass and keep breaking. You can't beat the Penguins without Braydon Coburn and Kimmo Timmonen back on the blueline, you just can't. Nice season Philly, maybe in like 7 years you'll win.
Cole

PS To ESPN,
Just because you have Don Cherry in studio for 45 seconds a day doesn't mean you are actually covering hockey. You're just throwing a gimmick in there so everyone thinks you care.
Fuckin Jerks

Dear Matt Patterson,
Otter and I are buying the bubble hockey table and so help me God, you will play it, and you will love it!!
Cole

Dear Dallas Stars,
There will be blood.
Anonymous