If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Jim Leyland,
WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?? Your team looked damn near unbeatable last week against the Yankees and was on it's way to .500 and close to the top of the division and then you go to the Goddamned Metrodome and get swept by the Twins. YOU WERE UP 6-0 IN THE FIRST YESTERDAY!!! What happened to having your boys play all 9 innings Jim? Don't you think that it may be time to flip over some tables and pitch a fit? Maybe put some cigarettes out on your arms or something. Hell, anything to inspire this team and wake up the bats. And for the love of Christ Himself TAKE JACQUE JONES OUT OF THE LINEUP!!! Am I the only one that realizes he's Bobby Higginson in disguise? Oh, and Chuck Hernendez (pitching coach) you're not out of this either, just because I'm yelling at Leyland doesn't mean you're exempt. Teach these youngsters how to IMPROVE on what they have and not just rely on God given ability. You're a coach, so COACH! Oh Lloyd McClendon (hitting coach) how in the hell could I have almost forgotten about you? Well, actually since we're second in the league in runs, you're doing ok for now...but I've got my eye on you Lloyd. Oh and one more thing, just get Jacque Jones out of there, tell Dombrowski to trade him back to Minnesota for Craig Monroe...I miss Craig and I'm pretty sure Rod Allen does too.
Angry and Frustrated,
Cole


Dear Kentucky Derby Champion Big Brown,
Congratulations on your victory. It was truly impressive and I can honestly say that I see you winning the Triple Crown this year. But I've said that about every Derby winner since I've started watching and caring about the Derby about 5 years ago. All of them eventually lost and Barbaro was eventually shot. Why'd you have to go and make the girl horse trip and break her ankles? Don't you know how fast those kids would've been? C'mon man, make one for the team!
I know he's just a freakin horse,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
It's been a week since I've last written you and in that week you've impressed me enough to actually watch your highlights on SportsCenter. I still am yet to watch a playoff game featuring you but I'm sure everything is just looking swell. Maybe after you run through the Magic and play the Celtics I'll start being a fan again. After you lose to the Celtics though, we'll sound the Detroit Pistons Fire Sale alarm and start over from the ground up. Hell, you guys might as well bring back the teal jerseys for a couple of years. And what's this I read about how Flip Saunders might be leaving or there is speculation about it? If someone doesn't want to coach you, you should just let them leave and hire Bobby Knight or Steve Fisher. I heard they are both available.
Still not giving a rat's ass but kind of warming up,
Cole

Dear MLS/WNBA/John Mayer,
That's enough! You were all novel ideas and now it's time to call it good and quit thinking that people still (or in the WNBA's case, ever) care about you. Hang up the cleats, scrunchies, or guitar and go retire somewhere.
Go Bull Dykes!
Cole


Dear Marty Turco (Dallas Stars' netminder, UM Grad and national champion)
Welcome back to Michigan Marty! Nice job last night with that quadruple overtime win. I love the work you've done over the years but I'm just going to have to say that for the next ten days or so...I hate your guts. And pass that along to Brendan Morrow, Mike Modano, and Sergei Zubov. Thursday can't come soon enough.
HERE COMES THE MULE!!
Cole

Dear Cinco de Mayo,
I realize the cultural significance, but you're just a poor man's Me.
Signed,
Saint Patrick's Day

Dear Anonymous Commenters,
Make up some cool nicknames or something. It's not that hard to do and I know you're smart enough to do it.
Love,
Cole