If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Horse Racing Fans,
Congratulations of having a legitimate Triple Crown Threat this year to possibly bring people back to your sport. Oh and more congratulations are due to you for not having to shoot any horses this weekend at Pimlico. Nice work everybody. Really, nice job!
Your sport is irrelevant to the casual fans who aren't degenerate gamblers or borderline alcoholics, much love,
Cole

Dear Toledo MudHens,
Hey guys, just wanted you to know that you're about to have ticket sales skyrocket after you get Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander in your clubhouse. The Dirty Bird Bar will be ROCKIN when those guys get there. I full expect Sheff to start making it rain on the finest bus station skanks Toledo has to offer.
Poor Bastards,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Read what I said to the Hens and consider it. Sheff is officially done in my book and Verlander...well he's just having bad luck but still, think about it.
Love,
Cole

Dear Ben Wallace,
Two years ago you were the hottest free agent on the market. Now you are nothing more than a mere afterthought on a "team" with one superstar and a bunch of never were's. I have never seen anyone fall from grace faster and harder than you Ben Wallce. Part of me feels bad for you, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But part of me also says that Karma is a real whore sometimes. I know you gotta get paid but you had to stay in the Central and go to the Bulls? That'd be like Yzerman going to play for the Avs. Bad idea Benny. And to think I once owned your afro so I could look like the rest of the white dudes from the Auburn Hills area.
Fuck you but have a nice day!
Cole

Dear LeBron James,
You will never be me. Ever. EVER!!
Michael Jordan

Dear Indian (Dot not Feather) Dude Running the Food Stand at Pray Harrold This Morning,
You work on a college campus. You should probably have regular coffee made and ready in the mornings...not decaf. Thanks for breaking my streak of not being late to class at 6.
I wish you were Tim Hortons,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Here is how you can beat the Boston Celtics:
1. Stop the Boston Three Party (ESPN Commercial fans will get that one)
2. Out hustle them
3. Pray for a bus accident
Good Luck!
Cole

Dear Ohio,
You suck and I hate your guts.
Signed,
America

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
Ok guys, that's enough messing around. It's probably time to end this series before things get way too scary. Just do what I've told you to do since this series started. Get traffic in front of Turco, annoy the piss out of Morrow so he takes bad penalties, out hit them, and try to act like you have more than one line out there with Franzen out of the lineup. Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Holmstrom is not your entire team. The other lines need to step up tonight so you can finish this thing and proceed to peckerslapping the Pens for the Cup. Seriously guys, this isn't funny anymore.
Stop it you're scaring me,
Cole

Dear Charlotte I mean New Orleans Hornets,
Do us all a favor and beat San Antonio tonight so we can have the pleasure and nostalagia of watching a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals like those of the late 80s because that's when basketball was actually fun to watch.
The more Texas teams lose, the happier I am,
Cole

Dear Detroit Shock,
What do I have to do to get a press pass? It's not like there's a line for them or any real journalistic guidelines a person would have to follow in order to obtain a press pass. Does that press pass include free beer and hot dogs? Any publicity is good publicity for you. Tell you what, you get me a press pass and I will bring like ten people with me as paying customers. That would double your attendance!!
I'll even swear you're still relevant!
Cole

Dear NASCAR,
I love you, I'm not afraid to say it. I am a huge NASCAR fan, well not huge to the point where I'm flying Kyle Busch flags in my front yard but I'm a big fan. That being said, if you ever televise a burnout contest on SPEED or any other network as an effort to have some sort of all star skills challenge, I will never, ever watch you or any other car race again.
I'm serious this time,
Cole

Dear Skoal,
I signed up for your online club expecting free chew, you instead sent me a shitty outdoors magazine laden with coupons for 4 dollars off of 5 tins and ads talking about how awesome Skoal is. Next time just send me a tin of some crazy kind of experimental chew like banana or coconut or banana-coconut pouches. Make the five minutes I took to sign up for your club instead of doing homework worth my while would ya?
I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!
Cole
(Yes, that was a Brokeback Mountain reference and no I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that)

Dear Jackson Harness Raceway,
When you say it's dollar night at the track featuring dollar beers, you might want to open a few more beer stands. The more beer people drink, the more they will inevitably gamble in order to win more money for beer. It's science. Any time you say, "Dollar Beers," in Jackson County, you have to kind of expect that you're going to get a lot of thirsty borderline alcoholics so making more beer available will help your revenue ten fold. And don't worry about the drunk driving after the races either, that problem will just randomly work itself out.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole


No Live(ish) Blog tonight for the Wings game as I will be playing Co-ed slowpitch softball in Chelsea with Team McCalla Feeds and then watching the game at the Wolverine because it's the official post game watering hole of the McCalla Feeds Slow Pitch Softball Team. McCalla Feeds Softball Fever!! Catch it!!