On This Date... Nothing Happened

Yesterday, the Detroit sports world stood still and I decided to stand still with it.
Actually, I decided to smoke a cigar Otter (yes, Otter is still alive we just don't have cable or internet in the living room so we can't live blog and we all miss out on his um, witty comments) bought for me a couple weeks ago and enjoy a bottle of rum. It was like I was a living, breathing JoBu (from the Major League movies c'mon people). I received my first purchase order from the Tobacco Juice Store yesterday, which was exciting until I realized that I was the one who bought the shirts. The "Got Swedes?" and "Cleveland Doesn't Rock" shirts came out very nicely and I will be wearing them at every given opportunity. Tagless Fruit of The Loom Shirts are the essence of comfort. I suggest you buy some.

Anyways, on tap for tonight we have the Tigers starting a three game set with the ever so gracious Mariners at 10:10 which is an odd start time even for the West Coast. The Pistons end their good run tonight when they lose to the Celtics in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals on ESPN at 8:30. Also playing tonight is the lookintheattic.com coed slowpitch softball team at 8:20. That is if Mother Nature doesn't piss all over the place as she is expected to do.

On a more serious but not that serious note, what is wrong with the Detroit Pistons? I'm not talking about what is wrong with their play but what is wrong with the attitude surrounding that team? I am not the only person who just doesn't care that much about them anymore. Why do you think that is? I think this is mainly due to the fact that they topped out too soon. They should not have won that championship against the Lakers in 2004. They shouldn't have. That was supposed to be Phil Jackson's 9th title. Shaq and Kobe were supposed to win their what like third in a row or something along those lines? It was supposed to be a sweep of the Pistons in the NBA Finals but instead, as the Free Press called it, it was a "Five Game Sweep," by the Pistons. They've been to the Eastern Conference Finals every year, and the NBA Finals once since then. I would like to think that had the Pistons lost to the Lakers in 2004, things might be very different. Fans would still give a rats ass about them in the Conference Finals every year instead of saying, "Oh the Pistons are on? What round is it? Who are they playing?" Detroit Pistons fans have been spoiled by success. And I am the biggest culprit of that. Many of you have read what I have said about this. How I was a huge fan and would go to Palacevision or see them play in Indy during the playoffs. Now though, I am simply not interested in going. Even if the tickets were free, I would probably say, "Eh, I'm good. I'll just watch the highlights later." If you give me Red Wings tickets I'm going no questions asked. I'll drop everything to go watch them play and not just in the playoffs.

Why would I do this? Because, I am simply tired of the Pistons, their fans, their players, their administration, and their arena. It's all just old news to me now. I remember when they started playing good again after they got rid of the awful teal unis with the flaming horse on the front. It was very exciting. 7 years and one championship later though, the whole idea of the Detroit Pistons is just stale to me. The Red Wings on the other hand are technically in the same boat. Years and years of successful regular season teams has spoiled fans but the playoff flops since 2002, have actually kept them somewhat interested. Which makes this trip to the Stanley Cup Finals even more special for everyone involved.

In Eastern Michigan Hurons news, the baseball team, champions of the MAC tournament, is playing as we speak at Fisher Stadium in Ann Arbor. As of writing this, EMU is leading perrennial power Arizona 6-5 in the bottom of the 6th. This would be an upset the likes of the Earl Boykins led team's upset of top seeded Duke in the NCAA Basketball tournament. However, due to the double elimination format of the NCAA Baseball tourney, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting as sending a top seed home early. It would be nice, but not THAT nice. Hopefully they will be able to pull this one out.

Speaking of baseball, the Grass Lake Warriors open up district tournament play tomorrow afternoon against Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard. This is a match up that I take special interest in as Richard was the team that knocked my junior year baseball team (a great, great team if I do say so myself) on a fluky play in the district finals. Bases were loaded and Mike Masten hit a bullet back to the pitcher who threw his hands up in self defense and randomly caught the ball to end the season. Needless, to say, I would really like to see Hamilton's boys put a whoopin on the whatever the hell they're called from Ann Arbor Richard.

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is on (I hear Erin Andrews is doing the sideline reporting for it, which makes me giggle a bit) and the lone participant from Jackson County was Tristan Schrot from Our Lady of Fatima elementary school in Michigan Center. Tristan did well but missed on his first word on the stage. The word was, "Personalia." He spelled it "persanalia." Which just goes on to prove my theory that private schools are not as good as public schools. Really Tristan? You know there's no A in the word, "person." I don't want to call the kid a choke artist, but he choked worse than Greg Norman at the Masters. Way to go Tristan, way to go. You can watch all of the smart Asian kids spell words you've never heard of tonight at 8 on ABC.

HEY BARTENDER! JOBU NEEDS A REFILL!

Eh, That'll Happen

REMAIN CALM! ALL IS WELL!!

We've got good news and bad news. Bad news is the Wings lost. Good news is they are still up 2-1 in the series and will look to go up 3-1 on Saturday in Pittsburgh.

As for the game...ok well call me a sinner but I didn't really see much of it due to a flag football commitment (team Heisman got beat badly. And yes, that is the team I'm on which pisses me off even more that I missed the game to go and get our asses handed to us, great idea not). I did catch a lot of it on the radio to and from the game though so I won't be just reading everything off of the recap and posting it on here.

Mule had a nice game for the Wings and was even awarded the third star for his efforts with a goal and what I'm sure was physical play. Samuelsson scored the Wings' other goal in the third to bring the Wings within one but they couldn't get anything past the Pens defense and set up a decent shot on Fluery late and the Pens took game three. Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby had two goals for Pittsburgh and Adam Hall knocked in what would be the game winner at 7:13 in the third. Judging from Ken Kal's call on 97.1 the Ticket, it was a fluky goal that was just kind of stabbed at in a pile of people. Those are the types of goals that hurt the most because more often than not, they are the goals that win the games. Especially in the playoffs.

Ozzie had his scoreless streak broken by Crosby 17:25ish into the first period then he dumped in a powerplay goal early in the second. And I just want to go on record say that I am officially very, very nervous that Crosby is going to take over this series and that Malkin will eventually remember how to play hockey and start doing what he does which is also score goals. We may have awoken the sleeping giant that is the Pens offense.

I'm not scared yet, but at the same time I am dumping in my pants out of fear that things could get ugly for our beloved Red Wings.

In other news, the Pistons were down by as much as 17 in the 3rd but are right now down 6 with 4:20 left and McDyess just fouled out of the game. I'm going to go out on a limb on this one and say that the Pistons are not going to win this contest.

In more important news, the Tigers are winning 3-0 in the bottom of the 4th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim which is the most asinine team name this side of Team Heisman.

Really quick here let me go off on a rant on indoor rec league flag football. IT'S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!! There are no pads, no downfield blocking, no tackling, and there is supposed to be no strategy. However, there are teams (the one I play on) that have someone actually calling plays. And worse yet DEFENSIVE SCHEMES!!! All flag football is, is backyard football with refs and flags. You don't need to scheme up a goddamned coverage system in flag football. You don't need to call plays from the bench in flag football. To the other teams in the league, you don't need wristbands with plays on them in flag football. You don't need someone filming your games so you can watch them later in flag football. You don't need practices in flag football (as one moron said to me on the bench tonight to which I replied, "yeah...no not gonna happen"). Tell you what, you get me in a professional flag football league and maybe I'll practice, maybe I'll consider watching film, maybe I'll consider coverage and alignment schemes. Until then I must repeat myself IT IS REC LEAGUE FLAG FOOTBALL! You're playing rec league flag football, you are done chasing the dream, shut up and play ball.

Why must I be surrounded by freaking idiots.

Due to my piss poor mood right now...Ladies and Gentlemen...
Brian Bellows is a superstar.


Ahhh...old time hockey

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Pittsburgh,
Look on the bright side, you're only 113 days away from the beginning of your Steelers annual run to mediocrity!
Somewhere in Belle Vernon, a grandmother is missing a salad bowl and a lot of tin foil.
Cole

Dear Aaron Krepps,
Looking at that picture is like looking into the future isn't it?
Cole

Dear Big Brown's Training Staff,
Do you want to make millions of dollars selling horse semen for the next 20 years or do you want to shoot your horse in front of millions of people after he collapses from his broken hoof?
Choose Wisely,
Cole (more on this letter here)

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Nice work on the sweep of the Mariners last week. And great job hanging 19 on the Twins Saturday. Really, impressive stuff right there. Also congratulations on your 8th shutout loss of the year yesterday. Walking in the winning run has got to be the most creative way you guys have lost this year. You never cease to amaze me.
Love,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? YOU SCORE 19 ON SATURDAY AND THEN A COMBINED ONE RUN IN THE NEXT TWO GAMES? GET YOUR FREAKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! HEY CARLOS GUILLEN, I'M GETTING REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOOT BALLS AROUND IN THE INFIELD LIKE IT'S A GODDAMNED YOUTH LEAGUE SOCCER GAME! SHEFFIELD, I SWEAR TO GOD HIMSELF THAT IF YOU COME OUT OF A GAME WITH ANOTHER PIDDLY SHIT INJURY AGAIN THAT I WILL BOO YOU LIKE I BOOED BOBBY HIGGINSON! QUIT ACTING LIKE JUAN GONZALEZ AND BE A FREAKING BALLPLAYER! Oh, and Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski...DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT??
Love, Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Great game yesterday. Or at least thats what they told me on SportsCenter 25 times this morning. Can you beat the Celtics? Probably. Will you beat the Lakers or Spurs if you beat the Celtics? Probably not. Eh, you had a good run.
Auburn Hills Rock City!
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
I'm not even going to touch this topic yet.
Cole

Dear Joakim Noah,
Congratulations on your first pot arrest!
Signed,
Ricky Williams, Nate Newton, Isaiah Rider, Shawn Kemp

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
I just wanted to say congratulations on making the Stanley Cup Finals. That is an accomplishment in itself and nobody can take that away from you. Also I would like to remind you that hitting the goalie is not allowed in hockey especially when the hitting takes place late in a 3-0 game. Could you tell Ryan Malone to kindly stop hitting the Red Wings best players 5 seconds after the whistle? Could you remind Brooks Orpik that there is more to hockey than being a goon, like defense? Oh yeah, and I don't want to sound like a dick here but you do know that in order to win a hockey game, at any level, you kind of have to score a goal right? Don't get me wrong, I love what you're doing right now with that whole, "wait until we get them on our ice," thing but I just don't know if it's the best plan for business. Dust off the golf clubs, it will all be over soon.
Keep Up The Great Work!
Cole

Dear PETA,
Stop being so gay about everything jeez.
America

Dear Sports Talk Radio Callers,
OK, yeah we get it, that's enough, that's enough, THAT'S ENOUGH! Seriously guys, what are you doing with your lives? I know the economy is bad and all but come on, how do you have time to call into a radio show and go on a rant about Rasheed Wallace not rebounding enough or how tough Pavel Datsyuk was last night or how the Tigers need to relocate to Montreal? Like, I, I just don't get it. And this goes especially to the ones out there who can't speak proper(ish) English. If you're gonna wait 45 minutes to talk to some dude about Tayshaun's poor ball handling skills, you could at write down what you're going to say so as to not sound like a total idiot. But then again, the people that call into radio shows are usually the one's at the check out line or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (except for you Dave, you're in the minority for having a well paying job and still constantly calling in to radio shows at the same time). Basically what I'm saying is this: People who call in to Sports Talk Radio are pretty much the worst types of people.
(Other than those that call into Channel 95.5 of course. THEY are the absolute worst)
It's probably time to move out of mommy's basement and get a big boy job.
Cole

Nothing More Needs to be Said...

TWO WINS AWAY!!

Well, That Was a Doozy

Tigers win, Red Wings win, Pistons lose. Two outta three ain't bad.

And boy did the Tigers win! 19 runs? Are you kidding me guy? A win today (tied at 1 in the 4th currently) and they might consider themselves to be rolling a bit. A loss today and last night's game is a meaningless SportsCenter highlight.

The Pistons got little brother bitch slapped by the Celtics last night. Funny story about the Pistons actually. I was at Pub 13 watching the Wings with a couple of friends I randomly bumped into when some moron turned the station on the big projection screen from the Wings to the Pistons sending the bar patrons into an absolute fury. It's good to see that I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't care about the Pistons anymore.

And as for the Wings...
Complete and Utter Domination!
Samuelsson out of nowhere scores two goals, Cleary scores on a shorthanded mini breakaway, and Zetterberg scores a rub their noses in it like a puppy who just shit on the floor powerplay goal with 13 seconds left in the game. Ozzie turned aside 19 shots, 11 of them in the first period, for his second shutout in the playoffs this season.



Now, let's talk goaltender interference. Lidstrom buried a nasty wrister in the first period but the goal was waved off because of an alleged goaltender interference call on, you guessed it, Thomas Holmstrom. Now, I am all about accepting a penalty or a goal being waved off if something actually happened. This time however, nothing happened. Homer didn't do anything wrong at all unless being a hockey player is all of a sudden a penalty. Babcock said in his post game press conference, "You watched the game. Was he in the crease? That's the rule, you can't put your stick in the crease now, is it? Did they change that when I wasn't watching?" That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. If that happens to any other team though, it could potentially change the entire outcome of the game. Luckily the Wings shrugged it off, killed the penalty and then scored 4 more goals to sent the youngsters back to their hotel rooms to think about what they've done.

Game two is tomorrow night at 8 on Versus for the last time this season. Yay.

THREE WINS AWAY!!

Gentlemen, Start Your Remotes

Ok, let's do a little what's on tap this weekend.
Tonight-Tigers and lookintheattic.com softball (who's your dot com?) at 7
Tomorrow - Tigers at 7. Wings at 8. Pistons at 8:30. Christ.
Sunday - 1100 miles of racing with the Indy 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 and the Tigers are at 1.
Monday - Wings at 8. Pistons at 8:30. Tigers at 9.

This all brings up an interesting point. What are you going to watch? We all have certain strategies when things like this happen. I for one will be primarily watching the Wings (of course) and during commercials I'll send it over to the Tigers and then the Pistons just for score updates, not long enough to miss any hockey though. That or I'll just go to the bar and watch all three at once. Which brings me to my next point...anyone want to go to the bar with me and watch the games?

The Pistons impressed the hell right out of me last night. They looked like the old school Pistons. Not the Bad Boys but the "Goin to Work" crew. They played great defense, Rip was knocking down jumpers left and right. Sheed felt like playing so he did and he played well. They had that "look" of a team poised to make a run at a championship last night it was also great to see someone beat the Celts at home. If only they can keep losing on the road, the Pistons win the series. Something tells me that might not happen but I'll be rooting for them anyway. And yes, I am starting to warm up to the Pistons a little bit. And no, I'm not jumping on the bandwagon, I was never off the bandwagon.

In other news...



Jim Leyland went on a bleep laden mini tirade in the clubhouse after Mondays game and it apparently worked. The Tigers looked like the team we all hoped they would be in the sweep of the series against Seattle. I'm not getting too excited just yet though. If they play well this weekend against the Twins then I'll be a little excited, possibly even a slight bit giddy at the prospects of everything possibly coming together. It's still too early to get too disappointed or too happy. Nobody has ever won a pennant in May.

As for the Wings, Franzen was cleared to practice yesterday and will most likely be playing tomorrow night which also makes me happy in the bathing suit area. Franzen is more of an impact player than anyone gives him credit for as he makes the Wings not such a one trick pony with the Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Holmstrom line. That and he's a big nasty bastard who likes him a little contact here and there. It will be fun to watch, I just hope he didn't forget how to play hockey with that long layoff.

What do we as fans need to be aware of as we go into the Stanley Cup Finals against the now hated Pittsburgh Penguins. The key to winning the series and hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup consists of six letters. C, M, S, F, G and sometimes Y.

Crosby - The face of the new NHL. The Next One. Hockey Jesus. Sidney Crosby is the most dynamic player the league has seen since Wayne Gretzky. I'm not calling him Gretzky at all, I'm just saying it's been a while since we've seen a player like Crosby take the ice. He makes everyone on the ice with him better at all times. You cannot stop Sidney Crosby, you can only hope to contain him or hope that he crashes into the boards and jacks his ankle up again.

Malkin - Evgeni Malkin is the other face of the new NHL. At 20 years old he is already making a name for himself as a pure goal scorer who also plays very physical. On any other team he is an absolute superstar and franchise player. He doesn't have the passing skills, defensive skills, computer hacking skills, or nunchuk skills, that Crosby has, but he is an absolute force on the offensive side of the puck.

Staal - Jordin Staal is the most underrated of the young Pittsburgh superstars. Don Cherry has praised this youngster as a Steve Yzerman type of player. Not a huge goal scorer but can put the puck in the net when he has to. A great passer and a true team player who works extremely hard on both ends of the ice. He worries me because he is the kind of player who will get a key goal on a borderline lucky shot that could send a series into a frenzy.

Fluery - Marc-Andre Fluery was drafted first overall by the Pens in 2003 and has been considered to be the true future of the franchise. He has played extremely well in the playoffs thus far with a 1.70 goals against average against 388 shots and has an amazing 12-2 record coming into the Stanley Cup Finals. The only advantage the Wings could have against Fluery is that he is just like Turco in the fact that he doesn't handle traffic in front of the net very well. He will make the saves he is supposed to make while being very technically sound. He hasn't seen much traffic thus far in the playoffs as many of the teams in the East don't emphasize that as much as the Wings do. All they need to do is get in the youngster's head a bit and hope for the best.

Gonchar - Sergei Gonchar is a veteran defenseman who at one point in time was considered to be one of the best in the game. He is also just like Lidstrom and plays a very fundamental game and is a great passer. He'll take the body more than Liddy, but is smart about it as he has only seen the inside of the penalty box 3 times in the 14 games they've played thus far. You cannot rattle Sergei Gonchar. He is un-rattleable.

Youth - This is a young, young, young hockey team. But it is also a very, very, very good hockey team. The best way to beat a young team with a relatively old team is to get into their heads and tell them that they are too young to play against the big boys for the Cup. Out hit, out shoot, out hustle the Pens, and you will win. With youth comes inexperience. If the Wings can get the youngsters to take some bad penalties here and there (namely from Jarkko Ruutuu who is leading the Pens with 24 penalty minutes) and dump a few powerplay goals past Fluery, while staying out of the box themselves, they have a very, very good chance.

Tomorrow night, 8 o'clock on VERSUS the Stanley Cup Finals begin.

I can't freakin wait!

And your guest host is...

hello all from noblesville, indiana. i am sarah vanmetre...some of you know me, some of you don't. i am kind of a big deal, so if you don't know me, sorry. i am currently at home taking care of my mother and my sister. my mom had surgery and my sister is worthless...its alot of fun.

anyways, i thought that i would accept the invitation to post on the blog for the day. i have many random thoughts flowing through my brain...and i think that other people could benefit from them. maybe not all of them, but you can pick and choose which thought works for you. so without further ado, here we go.

first, i will start out with a tip for the gentlemen out there. there are more things to do at a gym than just bench press and biceps curls. for real. i have been spending a good amount of time working out lately, and every single male at the gym is ALWAYS bench pressing or curling. I think it is ridiculous when i see guys walk by with HUGE chests and chicken legs. Seriously, there is a whole section for lower body exercising...give it a try.

a random espn note...hannah storm is making her way over to the cable network. and there will now be live sportscenters all day long. which i think is interesting (read: good move). my only thing with espn is that they seem to push female personalities down our throats (see: Erin Andrews). i am all for women in sports media...as long as they fit. So the second rachel nichols makes an appearance behind the anchor desk, i am never watching the worldwide leader ever again.

as for the association, there have been some very good games lately. i just wish that the teams i wanted to win would win...which never happens. so it looks like we are headed for another san antonio-detroit final if this keeps up. as for some individual points:

• LeBron: seriously, watching him is amazing. when i think about the fact that we graduated high school at the same time, i have no words (which really doesn't happen to me). my only thing with him is that he knows he is better than everyone. watching him going to the bench like he was going to kill someone (on his team) got a little disheartening after awhile. i mean, he is not blessed with the best teammates in the world, but he just treats them like they are a rag-tag fifth grade team. just be a little nicer in the future, lbj. thanks.
• Lakers: i never thought that there would be a day when i would be cheering for the lakers and kobe. but kobe is just ridiculous. yeah he threw everyone under the bus earlier this season (kind of like what lebron is doing right now)...and then he realized that was getting him nowhere. he refocused and started playing the all-around game that he has always been capable of. maybe lebron should pay attention...playing with your teammates instead bitching about them goes a long way.
• i am done cheering for teams...they always lose. cleveland, new orleans, phoenix, anyone the pistons play.
  
• and have to mention my formerly beloved pacers. we have the 11th pick this season...last time we had this pick, we picked up a skinny little guard from UCLA with the great name of reginald miller. i think its a sign that we are back on the right track...because if not, larry legend might not be welcomed in this state much longer.

a quick congrats to the city of indianapolis. we got the super bowl in 2012...as long as there is no work stoppage. i really think indy is one of the better locations for a super bowl. yeah, it will be a tad chilly, but everyone can golf during the summer. the city is clean, has tons of great bars and restaurants, theaters, malls and hotels. and a kick-ass new stadium is always a good thing too. now we just have to hope that the horseshoes are still contenders then.

sorry no hockey news today...i am not much of a hockey person. i did see that franzen might be able to play in the finals, so congrats to detroit on that one. in hockey's place, i will mention the greatest spectacle in racing coming up this weekend. i have lived near indy for 15 years and have only been to the speedway twice...on field trips. i have heard that this year will just be the best since 1996 since it will be unified again...but i will have to listen to everyone else about it. all i know is that the race is a good reason to have a party.

on a pop culture note, desperate housewives wrapped up its fourth season this past sunday...it was great. And grey's will be done tomorrow...i know that some of you will be watching. don't be ashamed...it really shows your masculinity. angelina is having twins...must be nice to have all that money to hire nannies to take care of your kids so you can keep banging brad pitt. and i am anxiously awaiting the sex and the city movie. i have been watching all the old episodes lately. if you guys want to score some points with your significant others, suggest going to the movie together...don't wait until she asks. you will score some major points!!

ok that is all for me...i am sure that i missed some huge story that should have been addressed, but thats okay...i might be back. hope you all enjoyed my guest spot.

Random Silliness and General Nonsense

Quick shot of the Stanley Cup Finals TV schedule. Games 1 and 2 in Detroit will be broadcast on Versus with the rest of the games being on national NBC. Two more games of cagefighting and deer hunting commercials. The only problem is the Versus broadcast team of Mike Emerick and Ed Olzcyk will basically change sport jackets and do the commentary for NBC which means more intermission reports from Brian Freaking Engblom. Nice work Gary Bettman, nice work.

The Pistons open up their series with the Celtics tonight at 8:30 on the World Wide Leader which is just as tolerable as the Versus hockey broadcasts. Maybe I'm just being over critical of these broadcast teams but for some reason I just find them to be horrible for both sports on both networks. I can't really put my finger on it but when I watch the NBA on ESPN it sounds like an elderly fourth grade teacher scraping her nails on a chalkboard. It makes me want to go around punching babies somewhere.

I had an in depth conversation with Z about the Pistons and their chances against the Celtics. He thinks the Stones are going to win the series in no more than 6 games and no less than 4. He did bring up some good points saying that Ray Allen has been the invisible man thus far in the playoffs and that all the game sevens they've played has to wear on the legs a little bit. The Celtics are by no means a young team so he may have a point there. On the other hand, I am still skeptical of the Pistons ability to win the series. They have the veteran experience to win on the road but no team has beaten the Celtics in Boston yet this playoff season. I don't really expect the Celts to win at the Palace due to the fact that they haven't won a road game yet in the playoffs and all of those road games were in relatively tame locales when compared to the Auburn Hills Zoo they will play in in this series. All the Pistons have to do is win one time in Boston and the series is theirs to lose. Of course, IF they were to win this series, they would have to play San Antonio (yes that is a prediction on my part) in the finals and we all know how they usually fair against the Spurs in the finals. Could this be a parade laden early summer/late spring for the Wings and the Pistons? I'm going to say.......maybe.

The Tigers open up their series against the Mariners tonight at the Copa. Hopefully the day off yesterday will prove to shake something loose and the Tigers can get back to their winning ways. The good news is, as much as the Tigers suck right now, the M's are just as bad if not worse. This could be a pillow fight for the ages as these two teams battle for the bottom of the barrel in the AL.

In other and more important baseball news, the Grass Lake Warriors won their first outright Cascades Conference Title since 1993 after sweeping a double header against the Jayhawks of Vandercook Lake. In the first game Casey Hall pitched 5 innings of shut out baseball with 11 strikeouts before Steven O'Hotzke (go Irish pitchers!) came in in a mop up role allowing two unimportant runs as the Warriors would go on to win by a score of 7-2. Hall also lead the charge at the plate going 3 for 4 with a triple and two RBIs. Jordon Bliss scored a hat trick and struck out three times...that'll happen Jordon, keep your head up. Charlie Fisher took the hill in the second game and was nothing short of dominant pitching 5 innings and striking out 9 while only allowing 4 hits. The aforementioned Jordon Bliss erased his 3 strikeout performance in the first game by going 2 for 2 with a walk, a triple and 3 RBIs in the second game as the Warriors mercy ruled the Jayhawks 10-0. I cannot congratulate the Warriors and their first year coach Ben Hamilton enough on a terrific season thus far. Grass Lake will host the District tournament starting next Tuesday and featuring Manchester, Whitmore Lake, Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard, Clinton and South Lyon East. Tournament pairings will be announced in the upcoming days.

Tomorrow I have a very, very special treat for you as we will have the first guest blog written by a writer to be named later. You will enjoy it as this writer is one of the most talented, insightful, and technically sound writer I have ever seen.

FOUR WINS AWAY!!!

Draper, Drake, Datsyuk, and Zetterberg all score. Ozzie stands on his freaking head and just like that, Dallas is out of the playoffs and onto the fairways.

Saturday at 8pm the Pittsburgh Penguins come to the Joe for game one of the Stanley Cup Finals.

And I can't fucking wait!

More to come tomorrow...

TOBACCO JUICE STORE NOW OPEN!!

I've decided that T-Shirts may be a good idea since all of my favorite blogs (yostbuilt, mgoblog, myfo) all have T-Shirt and other paraphernalia stores that I should too!

Simply click on the "Tobacco Juice Store" link in the Friends of the Family section and you're on your way to being the coolest person on your block.

Or maybe the lamest, either way just take a look.

If you have shirt ideas pass them on and I'll make it happen.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Horse Racing Fans,
Congratulations of having a legitimate Triple Crown Threat this year to possibly bring people back to your sport. Oh and more congratulations are due to you for not having to shoot any horses this weekend at Pimlico. Nice work everybody. Really, nice job!
Your sport is irrelevant to the casual fans who aren't degenerate gamblers or borderline alcoholics, much love,
Cole

Dear Toledo MudHens,
Hey guys, just wanted you to know that you're about to have ticket sales skyrocket after you get Gary Sheffield and Justin Verlander in your clubhouse. The Dirty Bird Bar will be ROCKIN when those guys get there. I full expect Sheff to start making it rain on the finest bus station skanks Toledo has to offer.
Poor Bastards,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Read what I said to the Hens and consider it. Sheff is officially done in my book and Verlander...well he's just having bad luck but still, think about it.
Love,
Cole

Dear Ben Wallace,
Two years ago you were the hottest free agent on the market. Now you are nothing more than a mere afterthought on a "team" with one superstar and a bunch of never were's. I have never seen anyone fall from grace faster and harder than you Ben Wallce. Part of me feels bad for you, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But part of me also says that Karma is a real whore sometimes. I know you gotta get paid but you had to stay in the Central and go to the Bulls? That'd be like Yzerman going to play for the Avs. Bad idea Benny. And to think I once owned your afro so I could look like the rest of the white dudes from the Auburn Hills area.
Fuck you but have a nice day!
Cole

Dear LeBron James,
You will never be me. Ever. EVER!!
Michael Jordan

Dear Indian (Dot not Feather) Dude Running the Food Stand at Pray Harrold This Morning,
You work on a college campus. You should probably have regular coffee made and ready in the mornings...not decaf. Thanks for breaking my streak of not being late to class at 6.
I wish you were Tim Hortons,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Here is how you can beat the Boston Celtics:
1. Stop the Boston Three Party (ESPN Commercial fans will get that one)
2. Out hustle them
3. Pray for a bus accident
Good Luck!
Cole

Dear Ohio,
You suck and I hate your guts.
Signed,
America

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
Ok guys, that's enough messing around. It's probably time to end this series before things get way too scary. Just do what I've told you to do since this series started. Get traffic in front of Turco, annoy the piss out of Morrow so he takes bad penalties, out hit them, and try to act like you have more than one line out there with Franzen out of the lineup. Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Holmstrom is not your entire team. The other lines need to step up tonight so you can finish this thing and proceed to peckerslapping the Pens for the Cup. Seriously guys, this isn't funny anymore.
Stop it you're scaring me,
Cole

Dear Charlotte I mean New Orleans Hornets,
Do us all a favor and beat San Antonio tonight so we can have the pleasure and nostalagia of watching a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals like those of the late 80s because that's when basketball was actually fun to watch.
The more Texas teams lose, the happier I am,
Cole

Dear Detroit Shock,
What do I have to do to get a press pass? It's not like there's a line for them or any real journalistic guidelines a person would have to follow in order to obtain a press pass. Does that press pass include free beer and hot dogs? Any publicity is good publicity for you. Tell you what, you get me a press pass and I will bring like ten people with me as paying customers. That would double your attendance!!
I'll even swear you're still relevant!
Cole

Dear NASCAR,
I love you, I'm not afraid to say it. I am a huge NASCAR fan, well not huge to the point where I'm flying Kyle Busch flags in my front yard but I'm a big fan. That being said, if you ever televise a burnout contest on SPEED or any other network as an effort to have some sort of all star skills challenge, I will never, ever watch you or any other car race again.
I'm serious this time,
Cole

Dear Skoal,
I signed up for your online club expecting free chew, you instead sent me a shitty outdoors magazine laden with coupons for 4 dollars off of 5 tins and ads talking about how awesome Skoal is. Next time just send me a tin of some crazy kind of experimental chew like banana or coconut or banana-coconut pouches. Make the five minutes I took to sign up for your club instead of doing homework worth my while would ya?
I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!
Cole
(Yes, that was a Brokeback Mountain reference and no I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that)

Dear Jackson Harness Raceway,
When you say it's dollar night at the track featuring dollar beers, you might want to open a few more beer stands. The more beer people drink, the more they will inevitably gamble in order to win more money for beer. It's science. Any time you say, "Dollar Beers," in Jackson County, you have to kind of expect that you're going to get a lot of thirsty borderline alcoholics so making more beer available will help your revenue ten fold. And don't worry about the drunk driving after the races either, that problem will just randomly work itself out.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole


No Live(ish) Blog tonight for the Wings game as I will be playing Co-ed slowpitch softball in Chelsea with Team McCalla Feeds and then watching the game at the Wolverine because it's the official post game watering hole of the McCalla Feeds Slow Pitch Softball Team. McCalla Feeds Softball Fever!! Catch it!!

Co-ed Slowpitch Softball Fever. CATCH IT!

I know, I know. The Live(ish) Blog idea from game four was a horrible idea and I will never, ever do it again.

That being said, I will be suspending myself from live blogging Red Wings games for exactly one night. That night is obviously tonight. It's not really a suspension, I just have a co-ed slowpitch softball game at 8 for team "Lookintheattic.com" in the Saline Rec League that I'm really overly jacked about. INTENSITY!!!!

No Mule for tonight's game as I pretty much expected. The lingering effects of a concussion are worse than any hangover you'll ever experience. You're basically miserable until it goes away, there's no magic cure. You can't just take a handful of Tylenol and go live your life. It's some nasty shit I'm tellin you.

In order to end this series tonight, the Wings must go back to basics. Control the puck, get traffic in front of Turco, play physical (ahem, Mr. Kronwall, Mr. Draper I'm talking to both of you), and play solid defensively. Upping the pressure on the forecheck would be great too. All of these things can be said for any hockey team to win, and are things I've picked up over the years so I can sometimes sound like I know what I'm talking about. And for the love of God would somebody take the leash off McCarty and let him go out and do something stupid? The Joe Louis Arena crowd would love to see it as well as the dozens and dozens of viewers at home. I'm hopeful that Dallas has run out of emotion after Wednesday's game because if they come out and out everything the Wings tonight like they did Wednesday...I don't even want to think about it.

The Tigers got swept by the Royals again. I'm not worrying about the Tigers and their season, I'm just more or less really really pissed off about it right now. Expectations will always rise when you open up the wallet like they did this off season and they are obviously not meeting those expectations, not by a long shot. Some sort of shakeup needs to happen before things get even uglier than they already are. The one player I can see as a possible negative clubhouse presence could possibly be Edgar Renteria. I don't have anyone on the inside telling me this but just when you look at his body language in the dugout and on the field it just doesn't look like he is enjoying himself at all with this team. Everyone else you can at least see smiling every once in a while but I cannot recall a time when I've seen Renteria with even the slightest grin on his face. The only issue is, I don't see any other team would take Renteria in a trade for a young shortstop. Ramon Santiago is a more than capable player as is Ryan Rayburn so maybe a trade for some starting pitching since the Tigers starting rotation is absolutely pitiful right now. Although some run support every now and then would probably result in more wins. The way to win a baseball game is to score more runs than your opponent...makes sense right? I don't know what needs to happen, but something needs to happen, and it needs to happen fast or I'm going to go into my 2003 depression mode and long for the days of Mike Maroth and Brian Mohler.

Well...at least we have the Red Wings.

Who's your Dot Com??

Ed. Note - I am a huge screwup and thought the game was tonight when it's really tomorrow at 1:30. I still won't be able to watch it because I have a funeral to go to so...um...yeah my bad

Well THAT Was Ill-Advised

Ok so maybe that Live(ish) blog wasn't the best idea last night. Sometimes you have to just stick with what works. It was like drawing up an elaborate trick play that looked great on paper, but resulted in a game ending turnover when ran in real life. That and I had no idea Dave would be so lame in such an environment.

That being said, I'm sorry and I'll never do it again I promise.

Looking back at the game though, the Stars came out with more intensity than they have through the first three games. Basically, they played like a team facing elimination which is funny because they ARE a team facing elimination. The disallowed goal on the phantom goaltender interference changed the entire face of the game and the official on the call should be suspended for such a lame attempt at a make up call from three games ago. I have no problem with Homer's goal in game one being disallowed because let's face it, he was sitting in Turco's lap and I mean that quite literally. You could sense the wind being sucked out of the sails on the Red Wings bench when that goal was waved off. Late in the game the Wings couldn't capitalize on their chances and Dallas sent the series into a fifth game. Friday night should be a game that rivals any other in the playoffs to date. Ozzie got that first loss out of the way so he should be relaxed and refocused and back to his "Standing on his head" ways. Mule might be back in the lineup but I still haven't heard for sure. He's got to be chomping at the bit by now to get back on the ice, crack some heads open, and maybe dump a couple goals in, in the process.

In other news...
The Tigers lost again to the Royals which kind of made the throw up in my mouth a little bit. Verlander pitched very well last night, as did Robertson on Tuesday night but for some reason, Royals pitching simply owns the Tigers this year. Both pitchers pitched well enough for wins but when you have scored two runs in two games, you're simply not going to win a lot of games. The good news is, the Tigers are still well within range of making a run at the division. They are 8 games under .500 but only 5 games back of the division leading Indians. The AL is a funny beast this year. The Devil Rays, or as they are now referred to as simply the Rays (rays of sunshine apparently) are in uncharted waters for right now at the top of the AL East with a half game lead on the Red Sox. No surprises in the West as the Angels have a half game lead over the A's. It's early in the year and I'm sure some teams will peter out and others will rely on a Colorado esque resurgence in the second half of the season to surge them into the playoffs (and yes, I'm talking about the Tigers right now).

The Pistons closed out their series with the Magic Tuesday night as pretty much expected. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the Pistons and the way the Celtics are playing on the road at least, I think they could maybe, possibly steal the series by playing well at home but playing amazingly well on the road in Boston for just one night could vault them into the NBA Finals where they would eventually lose in six games against whomever they play against for another silver medal in the Association. Of course, they have to get past the Celtics or Cavs first, which is entirely possible, but not exactly probable.

Blogging will be a challenge for the next couple of weeks as the cable and internet at the Ballard Street Shithole is going to be shut off today at some point. Apparently the roommate in charge of that bill has decided to cancel the rest of the subscription because we're moving out soon and the new billing cycle started today instead of riding it out when we move in a couple of weeks which is totally understandable. Deadliest Catch is my favorite show too but it's all good.

I'll find a way to make it work. It's just what I do. Perhaps some random silliness later on tonight.

Crazy Things Will Happen Tonight

Ok, here's the plan for tonight. It's a crazy, crazy plan that just might work. Or it just might be really, really stupid.

The live blog tonight will be done in a chat format on AIM and will be completely interactive!!!

That's right, you heard correctly, anyone who is watching the Wings tonight on Versus is more than welcome to shoot an AIM Instant Message to Antho51 (that's me, obviously) and they will receive an invite into the live blog chat room.

TJS will be updated at the 10 minute mark of each period and at the beginning of each intermission tonight by essentially cutting and pasting directly from the chat room into the blog.

I really hope to see more people than just Dave there tonight.

Sigh...Go Pistons

(Power to the People day is canceled due to lack of response. Lazy bastards)
I'm a beaten, broken man now. I got home from class and flipped on ESPN really quick where they were playing Classic NBA Finals recaps and sure enough...1989-1990. Back to Back Motor City Bad Boys Champions.

This post is dedicated solely to the Detroit Pistons and the NBA.

I love the Detroit Pistons. As much as I hate on them, I really do love them. Not as much as I did back in my Ben Wallace 'fro wearing in Indianapolis with the Pistons flag as a cape and old school Detroit Pistons logo t-shirt days (there are pictures out there somewhere, let's try to keep those under wraps and you know who I'm talking to Jerm, Dave, Tom, RJ, Twatty) but I still consider myself a big Pistons fan.

Watching that old school footage of the glory days of Rodman, Salley, Vinnie "the Microwave" Johnson, Joe D, Zeke, Laimbeer, and Mahorn was just what I needed to get myself fired up about the 'Stones again. And for the record, those teams had the coolest warm ups I've ever seen. They looked like a bunch of janitors with their first names on their chests as they were warming up. Straight up classic. They were the original blue collar basketball team. They showed up, worked their asses off, and won championships. Those Piston teams weren't not at all afraid of putting someone like Jordan or James Worthy right on the ground without any fear of punishment or suspensions and if they did get suspended, they didn't care, there was some other goon who could come in off the bench and do exactly the same thing. Now THAT was Detroit Basketball.

The closest thing to those days was the championship team in 2004. Ben Wallace was the Laimbeer of the group. The gritty player who scrapped around for rebounds and was an absolute intimidating force on defense. Sheed was the young, pre hair dye Dennis Rodman of the group, another solid rebounder and defender (remember the "No Fly Zone?") but was able to hit a shot or two in clutch situations to nail the coffin closed on teams. Chauncey was clearly Isiah Thomas and made a career out of setting up Rip Hamilton who was that team's Joe Dumars but with more mobility. Tayshaun Prince was Vinnie Johnson for his just overall unnoticed clutch play in those playoffs (Reggie with the layup, nope, it's blocked have a nice off season). That team played harder and hungrier than any Pistons team since. This team this year doesn't have the "look" of a team that is going to win a championship just yet.

When you step back and look at this team today, it is missing the one cog that made it special in 2004. Ben Wallace. Ben Wallace was the straw that stirred the drink on that 2004 team and although I wish I could say I can never forgive him for leaving Detroit, I do understand. Detroit was in no way ready to pay Ben the money needed to keep him in the Blue and Red and he bolted to Chicago for an absurd amount of money. The kind of money you pay a player who can do everything. But let's be honest, Ben Wallace was a two trick pony. He played defense and rebounded. That's it. He wasn't a scorer, he couldn't shoot free throws to save his life, and any time he put the ball on the floor the Palace held it's collective breath waiting for him to dribble off his foot like a 4th grader on a playground. I don't blame Ben for leaving though, there comes a time in every player's career that he simply has to go out and get paid and that is very understandable. For the sake of the Pistons though, it sure would be nice to still have him playing at the Palace. Jason Maxiel is a Wallace type player but with the ability to score, but he's still not the afro wearing menace in the paint that we as Pistons fans all hope he will eventually be. But the clock is ticking.

Let's be honest with each other here. Time is running out in Auburn Hills. Rip, Sheed, and Chauncey aren't exactly young anymore and Antonio McDyess is currently being held together with athletic tape. Tayshaun, Stuckey, and Maxiel are the future of the Pistons and as of yet, they aren't championship caliber players. They are all great in support roles, but I don't see them as having the ability to carry a franchise to a championship in any league. Which leads me to my next point...

Darko. The Sam Bowie of the 2003 draft. I said at the time that Darko was a great pick with nothing but upside since he was only 17 when the Pistons drafted him second overall. Instead of trading down like they should have done in retrospect, they pulled the trigger and took a gamble on the youngster from Serbia and Montenegro. It's not gambling if you can't lose and I know that. Trading down however could have landed the Pistons any of the following very solid players: Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Josh Howard, Chris Kaman, Boris Diaw, or even Luke Walton. Any of those players would be great to have right now. Or maybe the potential of getting a 2004 first rounder for the 2003 pick which could have resulted in Dwight Howard, Emeka Okafor, Jameer Nelson, Luol Deng, or even Andre Iguodala. But of course, that point is now moot. Dumars did what he thought was the best thing for the franchise at the time and picked a kid who could develop into a great player. Instead, we got the human victory cigar.

There is one person though whom I would like to throw some blame at before I am done here. David Stern. David Stern changed the rules of the game to prevent solid defense and encourage scoring. I understand that most fans want to see 120-115 games. High scoring, back and forth affairs are more fun to watch for most people. Not Pistons fans. It is amazing to me that the Pistons have kept winning since 2004 and the rule changes that came into effect. The rule changes rendered Ben Wallace essentially obsolete. The days of intimidating defense were over and those days ushered in fast paced run around with your hair on fire and throw a up a random shot and hope for the best league that we see now. It has done nothing less that individualize basketball. It has taken a great team game and set it aside to make it a game centered around individual talent. Whatever team has the best player, the player that can take over a game, should always win. It is a vastly different league now than it was even in the Jordan domination days. Michael Jordan was a dominant player, but he was surrounded by players the likes of Scottie Pippen and Tony Kucoc who could also take over a game if need be. It was still a team game back then. Now it's just "get the ball to Kobe" or "get the ball to Lebron." The best teams in the league are the ones who can still get everyone involved such as the Celtics, Pistons, Spurs, and the Jazz. In fact, those are the four teams who I say will eventually advance into the next round of play. Basketball is a team game. It's time the NBA recognized that again and went back to its roots.

Oh and one quick shout out and good luck wish to the Grass Lake Warriors baseball team coached by my dear friend Ben Hamilton. The Warriors are 20-2 and could potentially seal up their first Cascades Conference title in 15 years against Manchester on Thursday. Go fetch us a championship boys!!

Black Out?

Stars fans have been encouraged by the organization to wear black throughout the playoffs. Doesn't really look like it worked. Lots of white, green, red, yellow, and even some pastels in there. Way to try to be a fake ass Winnepeg, the team that started this whole "Everybody wear the same color" idea. Leave it to people from the greater Dallas area to not be able directions as simple as wearing a black shirt.

Ozzie is getting peppered with shots early on as this Dallas team looks like they've got a little bit of their jump back with the home ice. It's like the Wings are jet lagged or something. That hour time difference must be a real bitch. Wings on the powerplay with just over 12 minutes left in the 1st.

That was short lived, Hudler goes to the box after about 10 seconds of powerplay time for a very questionable hooking call. Sometimes you gotta let the boys play there stripes. Early on in the game the Wings are being out shot 5-1 and have spent a lot of time in their own end.

SHORTHANDED GOAL!! Datsyuk made a great play in his own end the brief penalty kill and started a nice odd man rush with Zetterberg and Rafalski. Tic Tac Toe passing and Datsyuk chipped it past Turco for the game's first goal.

Steve Ott is interviewed on the bench after the commercial break and this sends Patterson into a mild frenzy. "WHAT THE FUCK? That's fuckin stupid! If I were a coach and there was a goddamned reporter on my bench I'd go nuts! God...I HATE VERSUS!!" Glad to know that I'm not the only one who hates Versus. Speaking of Patterson, he left the bathroom door open and now our front door is open. I'll let you put the numbers together. "It's a total shit-fest in here!" Patty is all over it today folks. Otter is well...just kind of sitting there.

Dallas scores to even things up with 4:47 left in the first causing Ed Olzcyk and Mike Emerick to throw around the term "Happy Human" twice in less than ten seconds...Christ... But good news everyone...

DATSYUK HAPPENS! Just another breakout play and Datsyuk slips one under Turco after a nasty little pass from Holmstrom to the hard charging Pavel who tipped it just right. Turco though he had it but it just kept trickling through until it crossed the goal line to silence the Dallas faithful.

Maltby does a great job of getting under Hageman's skin and making him take a bad penalty to give the Wings a powerplay. Maltby barreled down on Hageman near the Red Wing bench and buried him with a the kind of check that really pisses you off. Hageman couldn't keep his cool and was called for roughing after he punched Maltby right in front of the little guy in the striped shirt. Nothing came of the powerplay but the more you can be on it the better.

And what the hell is this? The Stars have cheerleaders? You've got to be shitting me. Maltby wrecking balls Mattias Norstrom in the late seconds of the 1st and earns a two minute minor for being a hockey player. Just before the horn he also got a nice shot on Ribeiro who was attempting to fire one at Osgood. Take that ya dickhead. 2-1 lead after twenty minutes of play with much, much more to come.

Good God the Stars are really bringin it right now. Ozzie did great on the powerplay but later on Richards just kind of threw one at the net from the boards and sure enough it banged off of Stuart's leg and past Osgood to tie the game at 2. The ice has tilted and it is tilting the wrong way. That was Richard's first goal of the series and third of the playoffs if I heard right but who knows with these clowns in the broadcast booth.

The good news is, the Jack Link's Beef Jerkey commercial I just saw about made me piss myself. Flipping over a golf cart is no fun, well it's kind of fun as long as you or your clubs aren't seriously hurt. And now Versus is interviewing some slapdick cagefighter about his upcoming featherweight championship fight that will be broadcast, oddly enough, on Versus. Luckily nothing crazy happened or else I would have been all kinds of pissed off.

Halfway through the game and it seems to me that the Stars aren't letting the Wings get set up at all in the offensive zone. Turco isn't seeing nearly as much traffic in front of him in this game as he had in the previous two. Alot of that can be contributed to the fact that the Stars have pretty much outplayed the Wings through the first half of this game. Richards had another huge scoring opportunity but Ozzie was able to glide over and stack the pads to send the puck to the corner. I'm telling you, everything is coming up Stars right now. The Wings need to send out the goon squad and rough somebody up to try and take control of this game. It's like Thunderdome out there right now and not the good kind!

Just as soon as I write that Hudler breaks away and beats Turco with a nice backhand over the glove. McCarty made a GREAT play to move that puck out to Hudler who caught the Stars on a change and Reunion Arena is silent other than few brave Red Wings fans who made the trek or are Detroit area transplants.

Right after the goal Ozzie makes two big saves and in the ensuing scrum after he covered the puck, Samuelsson tried to rattle a few of Hageman's teeth loose with a nice crosscheck to the lips. Unfortunately he was sent off for two minutes to think about what he's done. The penalty box is hockey's equivalent to standing in the corner. The Wings kill off the penalty and did it so well that Ozzie didn't even have to face a shot. Nice kill there boys.

Modano just got wrecked by Draper and Maltby in the corner and the hits just keep on comin! It's like a bunch of rocks in a cement mixer out there. Holmstrom just had a golden opportunity to get a scoring chance but he forgot he was on ice for a second and fell right on his face. "What is this mighty mites hockey right now? Jesus!" Otter played mighty mites hockey and he knows what he's talkin about. Something tells me he spent a lot of time falling down out there.

The replay showed that Modano was expecting to be hit by Maltby but Drapes got him instead and he looks as if he doesn't know where he's at right now. Eh, just a little concussion, no big deal. Well, it's kind of a big deal but not like a huge deal. End of the second period and Otter switches it over to MTV to watch the Hills. I may live with closeted homosexuals. "What the hell was that?" Otter asked. "Eh, just a bunch of fat black chicks dancing." Patterson replies.

Wow.

The pride of Wayne Michigan Mike Modano is back on the bench with the Stars after a couple hits of smelling salts. And sure as shit, Turco whined enough and Homer goes to the box for goaltender interference. Turco caused that one, such bullshit but nevertheless the Wings have to kill off yet another penalty.

THAT WAS NASTY!!! Zetterberg dipsy doodles around Turco and Richards after going coast to coast on the penalty kill to make it 4-2! What a pretty goal that was. Highlights on SportsCenter if they can get their noses out of Lebron's taint long enough to put together a game recap.

The Wings just get done killing off their 5th penalty of the night and now they get to try and kill off another one on yet another soft ass hooking call on McCarty. That's 6 Red Wing penalties to Dallas' 2. Bound to be some even up calls coming later on...which could be nice. Zetterberg almost had another shorty but was robbed by Turco on a nice glove save out in the open.

With about 13 minutes left in the game the Wings seem to be content with their two goal lead and have slowed the pace of the game down by controlling the puck and calmly dumping and chasing into the zone while trying to keep fresh legs out there. Turco is doing his best old school Hasek impression and wandering around behind the net and scaring the crap out of Dallas fans by falling down behind the net. First day on skates guy?

Steve Ott just trucked Datsyuk into the boards after Turco freezes the puck after a scoring chance. Why you gotta be a goon dude? Zetterberg does a great job of pointing and yelling at the ref instead of helping his boy out. We need some goon on goon action here to make the fans happy. For some reason Ott doesn't go to the box for that. "Maybe he didn't get enough of him," Olzcyk says. I'm tired of saying Versus sucks, I really am. Maybe if i say it in Spanish...Versus Chupa! French, Versus Suce! German, Versus Lutscht! Russian, Против Сосет! You get the point.

Morrow landed VERY awkwardly on his left arm and it really didn't look pretty at all. No sign of him back on the ice just yet. Up, yeah there he is slamming into Rafalski in the Red Wing end. He's tough, he's a hockey player.

Red Wings are just passing the puck around, playing sound defensive hockey right now with 5 minutes to go in the game.

In other news, Patterson is elated when he tells us that he just broke his own high score in brickbreaker on his Blackberry. Congratulations Patty, you've earned it! Now put your shirt back on and watch the game.

Verus did something right just now and showed Marty Turco's all time record against the Wings. Two wins, twelve losses, five ties. Yikes. Utter and total ownage by the Red Wings.

SEND IN THE HATS!!! Pavel Datsyuk bangs home a one timer from Zetterberg to presumably bury the Stars for tonight. Robidas catches Dallas Drake with his head down in open ice which seems to be a moot point right now. But I can understand taking out a little bit of frustration with a nice clean open ice hit. I would do the same thing and you would too. And how bout the Dallas PA announcer trying to be as enthusiastic as possible announcing one minute left in the third. That's got to suck when your team is getting pounded and you have to act like you still give a shit. Time runs out and Journey's "Don't Stop Believin," plays on the speakers in Dallas.

You can stop believing now Dallas.



5 WINS AWAY!!!

Oh and tomorrow is Power to the People day here at TJS so leave your ideas in the comments section and I'll write about whatever you, my dear readers, want.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Detroit Tigers Starting Pitching Staff,
I would have addressed this to, "The Best Young Arms in the league," but that wouldn't mean I was writing a letter to you. That would be a letter to anyone else not you. Ok fellas, in all seriousness, we are now 38 games into the season and your collective record is 9-18 and have an ERA of 5.35 and that's not even counting Dontrelle Willis and his early dismal performance. Now, I don't really care what you have to do to fix this, but please, for the love of all things holy, FIX IT NOW!! Whatever it takes, please, please, please find a way to turn this around! Be it taking home some of the finest bus station skanks Detroit has to offer, or going on the road and finding the finest bus station skanks or strippers that Kansas City or Chicago or Bumfuk Rhode Island has to offer. Whatever you think could help, just do it. Nobody will think any less of you because that's pretty hard to do right now anyway.
Go out and get drunk or something, maybe that will help,
Cole

Dear ESPN,
Just because the NHL isn't on your network anymore, doesn't mean you have to give movie theater handjobs to the NBA at every possible second. I've watched SportsCenter three times so far today and each time it gets worse and worse. And hey, fat blonde chick doing the outside the lines report on OJ Mayo, way to ambush the kid about getting money from some douchebag who wanted to be a part of the game again. He's just a kid and he just announced his eligibility for the NBA Draft and you completely ambushed him. He's 19 years old. Did he take money from an agency while at USC and before? Probably. Was it totally necessary to jump the kid after his announcement and ruin a day he had been dreaming about since he picked up a basketball? Probably not. Use your heads ESPN Producers. That was just wrong on your part and you should probably be ashamed of yourselves. Kids screw up (Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Reggie Bush) and get taken advantage of by older men (Ed Martin, BDA Goon Squad) who are desperately trying to live the dream by earning the trust of these talented young men and then betraying them when they don't get their way. Shit happens, just try not to pin it all on the kids and pin more of it on the adults who corrupt them.
Oh and ESPN, how about some more hockey coverage?
Nobody wants to know about Chris Paul eating dinner at Tony Longoria's house.
Cole

Dear Marvin Harrison,
Welcome to the club!!!
Signed,
Ray Lewis, Chris Henry, Pac Man Jones, and OJ Simpson

Dear Charlie Weis,
The Hell with Michigan? Um, Ok Charlie, we need to talk. Charlie, listen man, you were 3-9 last season with Notre Dame. You coached a Notre Dame team to a three win season in 2007. Granted, that was a straight up awful football team but you you still only won three times. And you lost to Navy for the first time since the days of Roger Staubach. Now might not be the time to go out and pick fights with schools. Now, I understand that Michigan might not be what they have been in the past this year under the new regime, but Charlie do you really want to give them something to rally around? Knowing your luck, everything in fall camp in Ann Arbor is going to suddenly click and they will be going full blast as they roll into South Bend and peckerslap the Irish again this year. And if Michigan doesn't do it, Michigan State will, oh wait, they've done that already haven't they...


Poor Bastard,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
You're still in the playoffs? Oh right, you haven't played Boston yet.
My Bad,
Cole

Dear Philadelphia Flyers,
I have to say it was a pleasure watching your play in the playoffs this season. The gritty nature of your style of play is truly fun to watch. It's just too bad that your defensemen are apparently made of glass and keep breaking. You can't beat the Penguins without Braydon Coburn and Kimmo Timmonen back on the blueline, you just can't. Nice season Philly, maybe in like 7 years you'll win.
Cole

PS To ESPN,
Just because you have Don Cherry in studio for 45 seconds a day doesn't mean you are actually covering hockey. You're just throwing a gimmick in there so everyone thinks you care.
Fuckin Jerks

Dear Matt Patterson,
Otter and I are buying the bubble hockey table and so help me God, you will play it, and you will love it!!
Cole

Dear Dallas Stars,
There will be blood.
Anonymous

Happy Mother's Day

That's Natasha Kai of the US Women's Olympic soccer team. Just wanted to throw that picture up because well, she's kinda hot and I figured everyone who reads this needs to be aware of her. More info on Natasha here.

As for other things, Ozzie and Ribeiro are not going to be suspended just fined an undisclosed amount for the um, altercation at the end of last night's game. This is great news to me because McCarty hopping on the ice when Ribeiro is out there could be very entertaining even to the most casual hockey fan. And yes, I know Osgood embellished a lot after the slash, making things seem worse than they really were but I can also admit that when he crumpled to the ice, my heart stopped working for a second. Not because I was afraid Ozzie was hurt, but more because the thought of Hasek taking back the net has the potential to make me violently ill out of my asshole.

The Tigers game was called off today due to shitty, Ohio-esque weather which is supposed to carry over to tomorrow in the greater Detroit area. Hopefully this will have a "Bull Durham," effect on the team and they'll go on a nice 29 game win streak, or maybe just 4 or 5. I would take 4 or 5.

Finally, it is Mother's day and I just wanted to take this space to tell everyone that my mother could kick your mother's ass. In all seriousness though, to say she is an amazing lady would be selling her short. She married very young to my dad and raised three boys with him two of which seemingly right off the bat. She's been a cheerleading coach for years, a youth group leader at church, a pre-school teacher and the ultimate example of a "Coach's Wife." She wasn't only a mother to us boys, but a mother figure to a countless number of kids in the Grass Lake area throughout the years. Thank you mom for putting up with my brothers and I for so long and for raising us to be the outstanding(ish) young men we are today. For everything you've done over the years, we cannot thank you enough. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Tomorrow is "If I Could Write a Letter To..." day here at TJS so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know.

Now go call your mothers you stubborn jackasses!

Bad Blood Boilin

Mike Ribeiro just opened Pandora's box.
Too bad he's probably going to be suspended. And that is really disappointing because I haven't seen that "I'm gonna fucking kill somebody," look on McCarty's face since 1997. And yes, I know Ozzie butt ended him on the way by but c'mon, you can't baseball bat slash a guy in ANY situation especially a goalie. I hope Ribeiro doesn't get suspended so he can get what's coming to him.

As for the game, I missed the first period due to my new employment with the Illitch Family, but saw the replays of youngster Helm's sweet goal. Great pass from Hudler and an even better, prettier shot by the pride of Winnepeg Manitoba, Darren Helm. A rocket of a wrister from just inside the faceoff dot and over Turco's glove. Thing of beauty right there.

The same can be said for Zetterberg's goal from Datsyuk and Homer on the powerplay. As I've mentioned before, the best way to beat Turco is to basically annoy the living piss out of him and Holmstrom did just that on the goal. He was tangled up with another Stars player and Turco had pushed him just as the pass was going from Datsyuk to Zetterberg tape to tape. Zetterberg's ensuing laser beat Turco without as much as a whimper from the UM grad.

The only bad thing that happened was Johan (Mule) Franzen was scratched for the night with concussion like symptoms. After further exploration into that matter, it seems that he will be back for game four but my experiences with concussions tell me that he may not appear again until the next series if the Wings do in fact end up beating Dallas.

I don't want to jinx anything, but right now, the Detroit Red Wings of 2007-2008 are playing like the 1997-1998 teams. Rough and tumble hockey made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. Er, I mean, rough and tumble hockey with incredible skill from the incredible skill guys. It's almost as if Gary Bettman didn't ruin hockey at all out there. And if he really didn't want to ruin hockey, he would let what happened after the final horn tonight run its course and not suspend anyone. Let the players police themselves out there, it's a lot more fun to watch someone get their ass kick for being stupid than it is to get them on camera wearing a suit in the press box for being stupid.


SIX WINS AWAY!!!

Hey Hey Hockeytown

Let Me Tell You What I Think of Texas

Texas rivals Ohio as the biggest shit hole in America. And those who know me, know I have my reasons. That being said, this is what Red Wings fans should be aware of and/or worried about as the series starts tonight. There are five M's, a Z, and an R are involved.

Marty Turco is an absolute playoff beast. Through Dallas' 12 playoff games, Marty Turco has an 8-4 record, a goals against average of 1.73, and a save percentage of 92.9% against 323 shots. Very, VERY impressive. Ozzie's stat line through seven games played is a 7-0 record, a GAA of 1.52, and a 93.7% save percentage against 159 shots and has one shutout. These two netminders have been absolutely dominant thus far in the playoffs. The best way to beat Turco is to get a lot of traffic in front of him and hope you get lucky a time or two.

Mike Modano. The pride of Westland. He was even cool enough to build an ice rink there and name it after himself. He's no spring chicken, but he's also very playoff savvy as the wiley veteran that he is. He has 10 points so far in the playoffs 4 goals, 6 assists but is sporting a -3 in the +/- category which potentially means his defensive skills are deteriorating which would be great to see him on the ice against the Datsyuk line which is sporting a collective +/- of +32 (Datsyuk +13, Zetterberg +13, Holmstrom +6).

Brendan Morrow is leading the Stars in playoff goals with 7 and also has 4 assists to give him a total of 11 points. Morrow is one of, if not the most physical and aggressive player in the Stars' lineup. He is also leading the Stars in penalty minutes with 16 which means you can usually get under his skin and make him do something stupid.

Mike Ribeiro is leading the Stars in points so far in the playoffs with 14. 3 goals and 11 assists mean he is very good at setting up the score (usually with Morrow on the receiving end of a nifty pass). Ribeiro is pretty much the exact opposite of Stars' captain Morrow in that he tends to stay out of the penalty box and doesn't really play all that physical. Sounds like a job for Jiri Hudler or Niklas Kronwall to freight train him a couple of times in open ice.

Sergei Zubov is one of the league's premier defenseman and has been for years. He is very fundamentally sound a la Niklas Lidstrom but isn't as much of an offensive threat. Zubov is very mechanical in his approach to the game and won't make many mistakes mentally or physically. He is basically a robot and I don't like him for it. The good news is he's sporting an un-Zubov like -2 thus far in the playoffs.

Stephaine Robidas is the most physical of the Stars' blueliners. He plays a lot like Kronwall in that respect as he will not hesitate to take the body any time he can. He's also quite the little instigator and will do stupid things around the net and after whistles just to get under opponent's skin. He is sporting a +3 and has 8 points (7 assists) in the playoffs to go along with being in the box for 10 minutes for penalties I am assuming are malicious along the lines of aggravated assault or attempted manslaughter.

How do the Wings win this series? Scoring as many goals as possible would help. Playing good defense would also help. Yes, both of these things are vital to winning ANY game in ANY sport. The main and most important thing the Wings can and have to do to win this series and move on to face the Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals (yes, I am predicting the Pens beating the Flyers in 5) is to play nasty, physical hockey for 60 minutes each game. Get into Turco's head a little with early goals and lots of traffic in front, and aggravate the hell out of Morrow to get him to keep taking stupid penalties. The more the Wings are on the powerplay, the better chance they have to win.

Game One of the Western Conference Finals tonight at 7 on (goddamn) Versus!!

Oh, and in other news, how clutch was Polanco last night? 5 for 6 and the game winning RBI in the bottom of the 9th to break a five game loser? That had shades of Matt Patterson throwing the game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock last night in our flag football game.

CLUTCH BABY!! CLUUUUUUTCH!!!

Wings Live(ish) Blog tonight so check back early and often!

Oh, and here is some bonus footage of Joey Kocur beating the dog piss out of North Stars' goon Link Gaetz with commentary by our favorite, Mickey Redmond!