If I Could Write a Letter To...

Dear Pittsburgh,
Look on the bright side, you're only 113 days away from the beginning of your Steelers annual run to mediocrity!
Somewhere in Belle Vernon, a grandmother is missing a salad bowl and a lot of tin foil.
Cole

Dear Aaron Krepps,
Looking at that picture is like looking into the future isn't it?
Cole

Dear Big Brown's Training Staff,
Do you want to make millions of dollars selling horse semen for the next 20 years or do you want to shoot your horse in front of millions of people after he collapses from his broken hoof?
Choose Wisely,
Cole (more on this letter here)

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Nice work on the sweep of the Mariners last week. And great job hanging 19 on the Twins Saturday. Really, impressive stuff right there. Also congratulations on your 8th shutout loss of the year yesterday. Walking in the winning run has got to be the most creative way you guys have lost this year. You never cease to amaze me.
Love,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? YOU SCORE 19 ON SATURDAY AND THEN A COMBINED ONE RUN IN THE NEXT TWO GAMES? GET YOUR FREAKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! HEY CARLOS GUILLEN, I'M GETTING REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOOT BALLS AROUND IN THE INFIELD LIKE IT'S A GODDAMNED YOUTH LEAGUE SOCCER GAME! SHEFFIELD, I SWEAR TO GOD HIMSELF THAT IF YOU COME OUT OF A GAME WITH ANOTHER PIDDLY SHIT INJURY AGAIN THAT I WILL BOO YOU LIKE I BOOED BOBBY HIGGINSON! QUIT ACTING LIKE JUAN GONZALEZ AND BE A FREAKING BALLPLAYER! Oh, and Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski...DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT??
Love, Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Great game yesterday. Or at least thats what they told me on SportsCenter 25 times this morning. Can you beat the Celtics? Probably. Will you beat the Lakers or Spurs if you beat the Celtics? Probably not. Eh, you had a good run.
Auburn Hills Rock City!
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
I'm not even going to touch this topic yet.
Cole

Dear Joakim Noah,
Congratulations on your first pot arrest!
Signed,
Ricky Williams, Nate Newton, Isaiah Rider, Shawn Kemp

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
I just wanted to say congratulations on making the Stanley Cup Finals. That is an accomplishment in itself and nobody can take that away from you. Also I would like to remind you that hitting the goalie is not allowed in hockey especially when the hitting takes place late in a 3-0 game. Could you tell Ryan Malone to kindly stop hitting the Red Wings best players 5 seconds after the whistle? Could you remind Brooks Orpik that there is more to hockey than being a goon, like defense? Oh yeah, and I don't want to sound like a dick here but you do know that in order to win a hockey game, at any level, you kind of have to score a goal right? Don't get me wrong, I love what you're doing right now with that whole, "wait until we get them on our ice," thing but I just don't know if it's the best plan for business. Dust off the golf clubs, it will all be over soon.
Keep Up The Great Work!
Cole

Dear PETA,
Stop being so gay about everything jeez.
America

Dear Sports Talk Radio Callers,
OK, yeah we get it, that's enough, that's enough, THAT'S ENOUGH! Seriously guys, what are you doing with your lives? I know the economy is bad and all but come on, how do you have time to call into a radio show and go on a rant about Rasheed Wallace not rebounding enough or how tough Pavel Datsyuk was last night or how the Tigers need to relocate to Montreal? Like, I, I just don't get it. And this goes especially to the ones out there who can't speak proper(ish) English. If you're gonna wait 45 minutes to talk to some dude about Tayshaun's poor ball handling skills, you could at write down what you're going to say so as to not sound like a total idiot. But then again, the people that call into radio shows are usually the one's at the check out line or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (except for you Dave, you're in the minority for having a well paying job and still constantly calling in to radio shows at the same time). Basically what I'm saying is this: People who call in to Sports Talk Radio are pretty much the worst types of people.
(Other than those that call into Channel 95.5 of course. THEY are the absolute worst)
It's probably time to move out of mommy's basement and get a big boy job.
Cole